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Sophief's avatar

Am I scared my boyfriend will cheat on me because I've cheated in the past?

Asked by Sophief (6676points) April 20th, 2010

I have never cheated in this relationship and I never would.

But, every relationship I have had previously, I have cheated. I cheated because I wasn’t happy, wasn’t in love. But now I am very happy and very in love.

I am paranoid all the time, I am just thinking that maybe it is because I have cheated in the past.

Would this explain it?

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21 Answers

Jack79's avatar

Yes, it is true that we often project our own feelings, behavioural patterns or ideology on others. As the saying goes “it takes one to know one”.

Psychologists have observed that people who are more innocent are also more guillible, eg leaving their houses unlocked and assuming nobody will steal anything, or trusting their business partner not to embezzle money. Similarly, a person that would never think of cheating will not be as jealous as someone who has cheated in the past, and therefore knows it is possible.

Of course you’d also be worried if you had been the victim of cheating, (or burglary, theft, rape, etc) since then you’d have personal experience.

Sophief's avatar

@Jack79 Just what I thought, thank you.

jrpowell's avatar

I wouldn’t trust you.

“But, every relationship I have had previously, I have cheated. I cheated because I wasn’t happy, wasn’t in love. But now I am very happy and very in love.” That is easy to say today while you are still smitten.

I’m not really sure what you are looking for here. Do you want us to validate you treating your past boyfriends like shit? Or do you want us to assure you that your boyfriend won’t treat you how you treat people?

And yeah, If he knows that you have cheated on everyone I would bet that the bar is lowered for him to cheat. It makes it easier to play the “you always do it.” card.

Sophief's avatar

@johnpowell I wouldn’t trust me either. He says he does, and I really wouldn’t cheat on him. I loved my last boyfriends, I hated them, and so didn’t respect them. I have told my s/o all this and he knows how much I love him.

partyparty's avatar

Only you know the answer to this. Perhaps your conscience is bothering you. Only time will tell whether you will cheat again.
Because you cheated doesn’t necessarily mean he will cheat. Good luck.

eden2eve's avatar

For the first time you have someone you value in your life. Due to personal experience, you also know that just stating a commitment doesn’t guarantee that a person will be true to that commitment.

It would be very hard not to be afraid of losing a relationship that is very valuable to you, knowing that many people, including yourself, don’t always value a relationship to the same extent that you do now.

Unfortunately, this is the consequence of treating other people’s feelings lightly in the past. I don’t know if it’s possible to feel safe with the history you describe. And does your bf think about the days when you might not be so nuts about him? No relationship is ever without down days. If I were you I’d be worried a little bit about myself too.

Sophief's avatar

@eden2eve I’ll always be nuts about him, and he knows that.

chels's avatar

Being paranoid about him cheating isn’t going to help anything. If anything it’s just going to make things worse. You’re always going to be worrying, wondering, etc. Stop thinking about it. Once you start worrying and getting paranoid, you’ll eventually start accusing him of cheating, and that will more than anything just piss him off.

Don’t get yourself worked up over stuff that may not even be happening.

Just because you were unfaithful doesn’t mean everyone else is going to be.

Scooby's avatar

At the end of the day in all your past relationships where you have cheated you seem to have bounced back, why should it be any different if this relationships fails because of your present partners infidelity & not your own, if it’s going to happen it’ll happen, so it’s pointless worrying, there’s nothing you can do about it anyway, we all make our own choices.
It may well be that you find someone else yourself :-/ ya never know…..

Zen_Again's avatar

Well, are you?

You should be.

Exhausted's avatar

It has been my experience, the most supicious are the most guilty.

thriftymaid's avatar

Yes. People who are not trustworthy are not trusting, and vice versa.

Jeremycw1's avatar

What goes around comes around

Cruiser's avatar

@Sophief Congrats on finding love with someone. I am speaking to the Dibley part I am familiar with in that I would caution you over your concerns about cheating whether you on him, him on you or you on you. By that I mean your past history of self harm speaks volumes of a lack of self love which in my experience is the numero Uno ingredient to being able to feel loved and secure in a relationship. Until you achieve that in your life I would be concerned you are vulnerable to the many stumbling blocks and curve balls relationships can throw our way. You need to trust and love yourself first and foremost and that can be achieved by being honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

gailcalled's avatar

@Sophief:

I’ll always be nuts about him.

You have no way of knowing the future. You are happy and in love, but it sounds as though you have had a short attention span. To love and be faithful is an act of intellect as well as emotions. It may be helpful to examine yourself, with or without professional help.

Trillian's avatar

We judge others by our own standards.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I don’t think you need to worry. Your previous relations were unhappy ones. Your current one is happy and stable; I’m sure your guy knows this also.. You two are meant for each other; relax and enjoy.

evandad's avatar

I’ve never been faithful in the past, but I think it can be done. You sound like you’re happy and committed. I think it might work for you. Good luck.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yes. You’re distracted because you know what the things are that weren’t good enough in past relationships for you to be faithful. You know the signs of what mean bad things to you that you have reacted to in the past to by cheating. You know you are capable of it but not so sure what your boundaries are other than, “being in love feels safe”.

Talking to him occassionally about what you’re getting out of the relationship, what you want to see happen in it and what he wants to sign up for, these talks will reassure you what you have is worth sticking around for and working on… or not. Some people can be comfortable and assume their relationships are okay but hurt people need to hear words, see actions and re learn trust all over again. I’ve always felt if two people really have love then patience and learning new things aren’t too much to ask for.

broncosgirl's avatar

You have found something that is worth throwing out the childish (sorry, cheating is childish) behavior for. Congratulations! Stop being paranoid though. Your paranoia may drive away the person that you love. Be confident in your love for him, and be confident in yourself. If you two are both happy with one another, there is nothing to worry about :)

mrrich724's avatar

You are afraid of it because you think it is rational, and because you have done it. Since these facts are the case, you think (consciously or not) that others have the same capacity/desire to do it.

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