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easycharlie's avatar

Isn't pleasure the primary reason people have sex despite what people say to the contrary?

Asked by easycharlie (13points) May 19th, 2010

I was talking to a girl about how I wanted sex and she told me of course I wanted sex because it such an “incredible connection” to another human being. I had previously asked her how much pleasure she got from sex on a scale of 1–10 and she told me that it was a 10 for her. Well, how on this green earth can she say that the reason that I or anyone else would want to have sex is for the “incredible connection” when it is so ridiculously pleasurable?

How can people say they are motivated by the connection per se when that connection is associated with a degree of pleasure which people describe as a 10? You would think that at the very least such sex would involve a dual motivation for the connection and the pleasure associated with that connection.

note:by “pleasure” I mean how good sex feels in its entirety… not just the physical aspect…..

note: I am not making a normative declaration here…. I am not saying that s.e.x should be without feelings of connection and love but I am strongly suggesting, and this is a subtle distinction, that it is impossible to be motivated purely by the desire for those feelings when the pleasure is so intense.

But isn’t it positively absurd that anyone would say otherwise? What is going on in this world?

Would somebody please give me a sane and clear answer that makes sense and isn’t condescending and judgmental?

note: please do not branch off into a discussion on how women have sex for pleasure and men have it for connection (or is it the other way around? whatever!) because that isn’t really relevant to the question. Because at least in the case I describe the women thinks sex is a 10 but somehow doesn’t see that as the central motivating factor in the way one would normally imagine it would be if anything else in life was a 10.

@futurememory… missed the point of the question entirely because my question acknowledges that pleasure does come from connection…

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17 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

A big part of her pleasure is derived from the connection.

dpworkin's avatar

You are motivated by 100 million years of mammalian evolution. The rest of it is just ways to think about it.

OliverYoung's avatar

Sex pleasurable? What is this?

Coloma's avatar

Lol…well…things shift with men and women as they age, I still enjoy the emotional connection but have become far more aggressive about just raw sex, for the sake of the purely animal satisfaction.

My relationships have shifted where I notice ‘older’ men are much more into the emotional connection, cuddling, intimacy.

I am far less sentimental about love making and s couple of my relationship exploratins were extremely sensitive to the right ‘handling’ shall we say. lol

Aaaah…the backwards developmental skew of the species….it’s a wonder we have survived this long!

marinelife's avatar

The purpose of sex is procreation. That is why there is pleasure built in to the act.

Kayak8's avatar

I think I can readily identify the gender (probably about 95% of the time) when told an individual reported the sexual experience to be either 1) a physical pleasure or 2) an emotional connection. Just sayin . . . .

DrasticDreamer's avatar

No, not necessarily. It highly depends on the individual. For instance, I can’t and won’t have sex with someone unless I already have an emotional connection to them. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because it’s literally not pleasurable for me otherwise.

OreetCocker's avatar

Must admit am with @marinelife here even though my loins tell me otherwise…..most of the time! But hey, that’s the cross we have to bear :-)

FutureMemory's avatar

@DrasticDreamer Agree 100%. The few times I’ve done this I felt like a complete animal afterwards, and not in a good way. The feeling of “this is not who I am” was overwhelming.

Haleth's avatar

I’m with @DrasticDreamer and @FutureMemory. The only time I’d describe sex as a 10 is when I have an emotional connection with the person. It doesn’t have to be something like love; interest, excitement, curiosity, or affection are all emotions that could heighten the experience. Without some emotional spark, it’s impossible for me to feel physically attracted to a person, no matter how hot they are. The body’s physical responses are linked to the brain, and the physical responses are what get us turned on. So if your brain isn’t into it, your body won’t be into it. If you need an emotional connection to get turned on, then sex with the wrong person will not feel good, no matter how hot or skilled they are.

dpworkin's avatar

The hormones which make you feel “bonded” are artifacts of evolution, too.

Val123's avatar

I guess you’d have to be in love to understand it all.

MrsDufresne's avatar

Because if it was just about the pleasure and orgasm, a lot more people, would find it a lot less complicated, to just use their hand.

(L O L)

Coloma's avatar

Men actually secrete testosterone in their saliva that induces a feeling of trust and safety to the female ‘animal.’ ;-)

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

I’ve had sex where I didn’t feel any connection to the person, and it was mediocre at best. I’ve had sex where it wasn’t really good (they didn’t know what they were doing) but had a real bond with them and it was emotionally fulfilling because it made me feel closer to them and enhanced our intimacy. The best has always been when there was both the animal attraction and the spiritual bond. It’s different for women not because of the stereotypical emotional issue but because in order for us to have the animal “ooo, that feels good” response, our partner has to have some idea of what he/she is doing, much less than men do.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Everytime I have sex it is for pleasure. I would imagine most people think they are fucking or getting fucked when they have sex as opposed to making love. It is difficult to think one is making love when his partner is bent over on all fours with ass cheeks spread whilst you are pounding away.

FutureMemory's avatar

@futurememory… missed the point of the question entirely because my question acknowledges that pleasure does come from connection…

I probably only skimmed your rather verbose writing style. Apologies.

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