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Marva's avatar

Is there a love more "real" than the other?

Asked by Marva (1396points) July 1st, 2010

I answered this to another question, then I thought, it wasn’t even so relevant to the question, it’s just something I am wondering about, what do you think?:

I was married until about a year ago, 4 years, I felt I loved him as soon as a week from first date, actually felt this way with all of my relationships. Divorce was a consequence of not getting along for a very long time, since we turned out to be very diffrent, I didn’t appreciate him so much anymore and eventually stopped loving him romantically, though I still love him as a person and even value him more now that I don’t have to “stand” him :)

I asked myself a few times if there is a love that is “more real”, that long lasting love from my fantasies, that I just have not experienced yet?

Recently, I am begining to think that we are love and finding a mate is to find someone we feel we can share this love with, with the addition of sexual attraction.

I this is so, than we can “really” love many people, though we might not get along with all of them for a long term…

What do you think?

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23 Answers

CMaz's avatar

Love is always a good start. Not necessarily having a happy ending and is easily recycled.
If you allow it to.

True soul mate love really can’t be proven till death does you part. :-)

zenele's avatar

Love for our children is probably the deepest and most consistant kind of love there is. I really feel it is unconditional and complete.

Anyone else… not so sure. So far, haven’t found a woman whom I can love and trust completely.

CMaz's avatar

“So far, haven’t found a woman whom I can love and trust completely.”

Ya know… Something I believe Captain of the Enterprise would say.

zenele's avatar

You might want to edit that buddy. I’ll probably be Picard soon.

Marva's avatar

Seriously guys, I am asking about the meaning of the term we call “true love”, is it not just the same love we can feel to our friends (only with the addition of fulfilled sexual attraction), people who we met recently, spouses that we aren’t with anymore? wether we get along with them for the long term or not?

Scooby's avatar

Now what was that song again? ‘Love is a Battlefield’ trench warfare springs to mind!!

Cruiser's avatar

I guess I would have to say true love would be that defining moment when you feel a “love” like no other that transcends the boundaries of any other love you felt or knew existed. It also has to withstand the setbacks of disappointments and hurt that is the hard currency of relationships.

dpworkin's avatar

English language is somewhat impoverished when it comes to distinctions between different types of love. Perhaps it would be useful to adopt the Greek distinction between agape, storge, eros, and philia.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Until my current marriage (my fourth), I never experienced being loved fully and unconditionally by a partner. I work hard to deserve it every day, even if I feel sometimes that I ought to do more. I never knew how deeply I could love.

fundevogel's avatar

Love is a feeling, it can’t be more or less real and anymore than “cold” or “nervous” could be. Quality can very of course, but not reality. Experiencing a higher quality of love should not be a reason to question the reality of past loves. You shouldn’t have to denigrate past experiences to fully appreciate current ones.

zenele's avatar

I’ll have what @Dr_Lawrence is having.

Marva's avatar

@Cruiser So I understand from your words you do think there is “true” love, and “just” love, which is fleeting?

Marva's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence I accept and appreciate your reply, but must say I find a contradiction: How is love unconditional, if you have to “work hard” to deserve it?

Marva's avatar

@fundevogel I agree. But do you think since my love for my husband had passed, or more correctly, transformed, it wasn’t “true” love? or is all love “true”? do we always feel that strong emotion of finding our match in the begining of a realtionship, which always feels like we never loved “this much” while the only diffrence between “loves” is whether the relationship can hang on through difficulties?

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Marva What is wonderful is that I don’t have to do anything to deserve it! I to show her that I value her unconditional love. She knows that anyway.

fundevogel's avatar

@Marva I think “true love” is deceptive term since it implies some love is more real than others. I can’t tell you how you feel, and I know it can be almost impossible to know how you yourself are feeling sometimes. But I can say that a change in love doesn’t mean that you don’t still have it.

Marva's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence Understood then :)

Marva's avatar

@fundevogel Thank you. I tend to agree, this really strengthens me on my building up base assumption: we are love, and we share love, all love is real without regard to the quality of the relationship. Love is love…

YARNLADY's avatar

The big problem with our language is the some words get overused until they lose all meaning. If people were more precise with their use of the word love and it’s more accurate synonyms you would really have to ask.

Many kinds of feelings people use the word love to describe are not really love at all. It’s just a handy catch-all word that is easy to use, and has lost it’s precise meaning.

fundevogel's avatar

@YARNLADY I appreciate your respect for accurate language.

YARNLADY's avatar

@YARNLADY typo correction: would = wouldn’t

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve always had trouble with the idea of unconditional love. People have tried to explain it to me in various ways. They have said it is love given without expectation of anything in return.

To me, unconditional love means that there are no conditions. You will love the person no matter what they do. You have no boundaries to your love. You are codependent.

Everyone has boundaries, don’t they? I mean if the person you love abuses you all the time, would you still love them? Would you try to get away from them, but still love them? That seems pathological to me.

Many people I’ve spoken to suggest that the love of a parent for a child is unconditional. I can see that for maybe five or ten years, but at a certain point, if a child is bad enough, I think that unconditional love will fade because, truthfully, there are conditions.

Of course, I’ve never experienced it, so perhaps I can’t imagine it. My parents had significant conditions on their love. I had no signs of love on a personal level. Everything was impersonal—providing shelter and food and education; that sort of thing. But no hugs or kisses. No “I love you’s.” Little or no praise, except for extraordinary feats. I spent a good twenty-five or thirty years trying to get praise before giving it up overtly. But my psyche failed me. It still wished to gain parental love. It still wants that praise that will never be coming, no matter how good I am; no matter what I accomplish. Even if it did come, I wonder if I could allow myself to hear it.

So I learned, growing up, that love was conditional and that I was never good enough. I graduated in 1978, during the Carter recession. Jobs were as hard to find then as they are now for new graduates. I didn’t find one, and my parents thought I was not trying, and they decided to kick me out. Which they did, in dramatic fashion, one night. This again confirmed my idea that it wasn’t safe to trust them. It taught my siblings never to come home after college. One went West to the far east, and one went East to Europe. For years, I lived closest to my parents—around 200 miles away.

I learned that love was conditional when my first significant love, the one to whom I lost my virginity and with whom I experienced other significant first time events, ditched me when I graduated from college. I realize that, since then, I expect all my relationships to end. Sometimes I make them end before the other person ends them, and sometimes the other person ends them first.

I try to be good. I try to be good enough to be loved. But I’m not. I failed my wife big time, but this time she didn’t get rid of me. Maybe she would have if we didn’t have kids. For now, I’m taking it as a sign that she really does love me—even if I am not worthy of that love.

I don’t think it’s unconditional love, though, because she said if I screwed up again, she would get rid of me.

The only unconditional love I experienced was online, and that’s only because they didn’t really know me. In reality, they were in love with their fantasy of me, but even so, it was seductive. It was a quick hit. I’m not sure why I continued to meet people online. Maybe I felt like if I didn’t have online relationships as an outlet, I’d be too scared to stay with my wife. It was only with a backup plan, that I could risk staying with her until she ditched me. Without a backup plan, I would have had to ditch her first.

Seems like crazy logic, but it isn’t if you don’t believe you can ever fully trust anyone. If you don’t believe in unconditional love.

YARNLADY's avatar

@wundayatta Sometimes love means having to force our loved one to take control of their own life. It does appear that your parents weren’t the type of unconditional love people that many of us are. However, love doesn’t mean that we don’t set limits and rules of conduct on the people we love.

Example: I love my son, but when he misbehaves, he is going to be taught that kind of behavior is not acceptable. That doesn’t mean I love him less – in fact parents that don’t care are the ones who don’t love their children.

Does unconditional love mean that I will allow my child to run free, even into the street in front of traffic? Of course not. It means even if he kicks and screams when I won’t open the gate, I still love him.

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