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SomeFlutheriteAnonymized's avatar

Why do I think about suicide but won't do it?

Asked by SomeFlutheriteAnonymized (13points) July 2nd, 2010

It really bothers me. I’m not the happiest person in the world, but I know others have it way worse than me so I’m definently not the saddest. I think about suicide, what would happen, and how the world will just progress. I know logically though that suicide does not solve anything, hurts those I love, etc. and that is what keeps me from actually doing it. Simply because it dosen’t make sense, I know it dosen’t make sense, and that’s it. Now I have to trudge through life until I’m 80 years old and die naturally because suicide is just lame….

Even though I disregard the thoughts they are still there making me depressed sort of. I’ve always been very brash and I don’t let others know how I feel so no one really knows about this stuff and it’s not like my friends think I’m some creepy psycho

Now I know you’re going to say therapy but I don’t want to spend the money. Doctors really haven’t told me much more than I can find on the net for free. My shrink basically told me that I have to “Put the work in to make myself happy. There is no magic pill to do it for you.” After looking at Prozac vs Placebo studies and talking with the shrink I doubt anti-depressants will be much of a help. I’m not dumb enough to fall for the placebo effect, and it is that sort of thinking that will STOP antidepressants from working. Antidepressants work when you BELIEVE they work and I can’t trick myself into believing.

All I really need is my life to work out how I want it to and the depressive feelings will subside I guarentee it

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22 Answers

tranquilsea's avatar

I don’t think that suicidal feelings simply go away. You have to find out why you are thinking of offing yourself and work towards resolving those feelings. I speak from experience. Therapy did absolutely nothing for me for a long time…except keep me alive long enough to find a way through my problems.

I’m am just in the process of winding down 13 years of constant therapy. In the beginning I thought that it would be fast and, naively, not that hard. You’re right about medications. They never worked for me and think that all the doctors who threw them at me put me way behind on what I needed: talk therapy. A pill wasn’t going to cure some of the things that have been done to me.

Suicidal thoughts are not something to take lightly though. Your therapist sounds like he/she was trying to help you. What work did he/she tell you needed to do in order to be happy?

Therapy is not easy, but it has really helped me go from a complete breakdown to being happy some of the time and content the rest of the time. You have to find a therapist who you feel you can build trust with. Without that therapy won’t move very far.

KhiaKarma's avatar

I think it’s natural to have ups and downs overall. Exploring thoughts can be a part of the process of figuring out your own personal meaning in this life. I suggest reading the book “Against Happiness in praise of Melancholy”

I would have linked it but I am unable because my computer is crapping out. Hope things get better, glad you’re talking about it. If not to a therapist, then to jellies.

KhiaKarma's avatar

although I think therapy is a wonderful idea….but you do have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

*also, maybe a change in job or location may help?

Andreas's avatar

I had a similar experience @SomeFlutheriteAnonymized and can sympathise. I consulted two shrinks and found them pretty much useless. For me, my counsellor, who had been through her own trauma (possibly of a sexual nature), was the best person I ever talked to.

What Carol did for me was to get me to challenge my thinking, (and some time I just wanted to hit her in the nose, but didn’t!) and by doing that, slowly I started to realise that I was a large part of the problem: that is my thinking was THE problem.

I also had to deal with a number of obsessions until I realised the obsessions were the main problem, closely followed by my lack of self-esteem and confidence. That was 1995 or 1996. I am a different person today as I have largely, but not completely, overhauled my thinking process. (Unfortunately, I do relapse with the thinking and this is a continual fight, which will be with me the rest of my life.)

All I can really suggest is you find someone you can trust with your deepest, darkest thoughts and pour your heart out. Let your tears flow wherever and whenever they must and damn your critics. I went through the emotional mill, and that may be your experience, too.

I hope this rather depressing tale gives you some help.

BTW, depression runs in my family, and I think it’s on both sides, but can’t be sure about Dad’s side.

All the best.

dpworkin's avatar

Suicidal ideation is generally considered a symptom of some underlying disorder such as depression. Treat the depression, the ideation will vanish. Remember that almost all people who were stopped from committing suicide report later that they are pleased to have lived.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

If you really want to overcome depression, there are methods you can learn to do by yourself with some guidance and some readily available tools.

Check my profile on how to consult me, a retired Doctor of Psychology.

I can’t do therapy online, but I can help you just the same (for free).

Suicidal ideas that persist are a sign of serious depression. This is not something you should ignore.

I’m available to talk with you (online) if you want help.

SomeFlutheriteAnonymized's avatar

I know exactly why I think the thoughts. I know exactly why I’m somewhat depressed. There’s no doctor that needs to “uncover” that for me. I know what I can do to change, but I won’t. It’s like a drug addict who knows coke is bad for them yet does the coke anyway.

It has more to do with my view of the world than anything. I would have to change the way I view the world, but the way I view it makes sense to me and I can not disprove that.

For example, I do not actively go out and pursue women, but I want a girlfriend. No fucking wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend because I don’t pursue them….. I don’t think that me having a girlfriend or not should affect my happiness. I should control my own happiness, not depend on a girl to do it.

There are many others, that is just an example.

SomeFlutheriteAnonymized's avatar


Sorry I just read your response. See, I already KNOW the “benefits” of changing my thinking. I understand that fully. I’d probably do a lot “better off”(socially) thinking “normally.” for obvious reasons. I know HOW to change my thinking. I understand my thoughts are not the same thoughts as majority of the population. I don’t need to pay someone to do that for me.

I don’t want to have to change my thinking….

Andreas's avatar

@SomeFlutheriteAnonymized I wish you well in your future. Sometimes it’s necessary to do what we don’t want to do. But, it is our own right to do or not to do.

One thing I had to change was from a human DOING to a human BEING.

I did for everybody else, but never (quite literally) for me.

All the best.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I go through periods like this; for me, it’s triggered by extreme stress and isolationism.

You have things a bit skewed. You know you’re depressed, and you’re right, you don’t need a doctor to tell you that. What you do need is someone to help you work though why inactivity and feeling like crap is preferable to working on your problems. There is not magic pill, no one is going to swoop in and make your life better for you as a gift to you. You have to do it all yourself, and then better things will happen because of it. You should control your own happiness, but why don’t you?

Each little thing that you do is a step forward. The idea of quitting my job is too big. Today while sitting in the doctor’s office, I made a list of all the new skills I’ve learned this year at work. While I was in the exam room, waiting for the numbing stuff to work in my toe, I organized the list. When I got home from work, I reorganized it and re-wrote it. I’m in pretty good shape to rewrite my resume, which is the first step in looking for a job.

Reading your posts—you seem proud of being too lazy to work on changing your situation? If you’re smart enough to know what you need to do, why aren’t you smart enough to either do it, or get help to get you moving on doing it?

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’m in my second go-round with major depression. I understand how you feel about “talking” therapy, as I find it equally nonproductive.

Try to keep in mind the old cliche about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Ultimately, we must each find our own reason to choose life over death.

What worked for me was antidepressant medication, even though I dislike the idea of a pharmaceutical company holding my mind hostage (I also find some side effects unpleasant). In each episode of depression, the medication bought me the time to find a reason to go on living. For many people, antidepressants do work, although for some more like a chemical strait-jacket.

In both cases, my “purpose” came in the form of a person I cared deeply about who needed my help. I’ve found that my role in life is that of protector and facilitator; my satisfaction comes from making it possible for another to be safe and happy.

If your own subconscious will to live is over-riding the conscious desire to die, very good. Otherwise, get on the right meds; it may take several tries of type, combination and dosage and a wait of several weeks at each step to give it a chance to work. This is not an end in itself, but a method of “buying time” for you to search for a reason to live.

Coloma's avatar

I’d also add that if you are a young person that while you should not ignore these thoughts, it IS a fact that ‘happiness’ is an evolving condition of aging.

Research shows that people in their 20’s are the most unhappy overall and that people in their 50’s and 60’s experience a greater sense of happiness and well being.

By all means pay attention to your feelings but, know that happiness is connected with maturity. Growing up IS hard to do.

jrpowell's avatar

I think about suicide all the time. I know that doesn’t help. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’m 32 and have had thoughts like “Why do put up with this shit, sleeping forever sounds better.”

But then better stuff pops up. It just got sunny here the other day after 10 months of rain and I went to the park with a good book in one hand and a cold beer in the other hand. I had a blast, I got drunk and read Kafka.

I’m not sure what my point is. I guess it is that you are dealing with what a lot of other people go through and you are not alone. And for every shitty day you need to go out and make a fantastic one. I like books and beer. You might like photography. Run around and take pictures of everything.

MrGV's avatar

Because you’re smart.

jazmina88's avatar

You know, life is not exactly all peaches and cream and depression runs in my family too. you gotta have some hope that something will make things better in the end.
Medication does help. I took prozac about a decade ago but there are better drugs now….lexapro.
Venting is awesome…...I do that on here…..
We are put here for some strange reason,,......we sometimes spend a lifetime trying to figure it out.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@jazmina88 Good point about the “venting”. Martial arts and target shooting are good outlets for me.

anartist's avatar

Thinking about it is a warning that things are not right with you and you need help. Saying that you are thinking about it here in this forum is a cry for help. Listen to your cries and get help.

If you ignore it the thinking it may become more frequent, more detailed as to process, and may actually lead you to try.

The right antidepressant can neutralize the active suicidal feelings and allow you to work on what is making you so unhappy.

If your doctor cannot help you with your emotions, maybe you need a good talk or behavioral therapist. It does not have to be a psychologist or social worker, it could be a minister or rabbi or a school guidance counselor.

But get help before the problem gets so bad you are hospitalized. That really is expensive.

andrew's avatar

Know also, though, and this is from someone that has suffered from chronic depression and lost an uncle to suicide, that most people don’t think about suicide.

As I joked to my (very good psychiatrist), “Do I ever think about suicide? Of course! Who doesn’t!”
Him: “Most people.”

Find the source of the depression. Treat yourself well. Get exercise. Whenever I tend to start contemplating suicide, I usually find that I’m not doing these things.

gemiwing's avatar

Just because someone else has it worse than you doesn’t mean your pain doesn’t count. just had to get that out of the way

Suicidal thoughts mean it’s time for me to take my anti-psychotic. Anti-depressants do nothing for me but make me manic. My AP lets my thinking clear so I can see how things really are- and not just how they seem through the veil of my clouded brain. Also, the placebo studies didn’t show the same correlation with AP’s as AD’s. If an AP doesn’t work- then it just doesn’t work. Placebos don’t usually stop hallucinations or clouded thinking (which suicidal thoughts are a part of).

One thing you can do, that helped me, is to figure out what you’re getting out of all this. Do you feel special because you’re depressed? Do you get extra attention? Do you think it expands your ‘human experience’? Why don’t you want to get better?

If the answer is something along the lines of ‘there’s no point’, then that’s most likely the depression and deluded thinking that’s talking. I find when my head clears, all the reasons I thought were bullshit end up being the truly important reasons that there is a point.

SomeFlutheriteAnonymized's avatar


Deficiently not an attention thing. People don’t know how I feel. I really just see the world in a cold, logical, mundane type way. If anything I feel depression is irrational and should simply be dismissed.

The problem with ADs is most of the ones that are generic suck and I refuse to pay $90 a pop on the good ones (I tried Lexapro for a few months but never took it seriously, I was late on getting the refills etc). Then the bill for the psych who did NOTHING for me but write me a piece of paper. I could have typed into google “Common dosing options for expire”, started small, and worked my way up instead of paying him $250 for nothing. To get off safely you simply wean your way off to avoid side effects. I am no doctor, but that is just common sense. I do not make much money as it is and I am not going to waste it on meds just for “happiness”

What I probably need is love more than anything. A girl I can talk with and truly be myself around. One who accepts me for who I am and reciprocates that back and doesn’t reject me. Even my very few past girlfriends didn’t really love me. Maybe natural selection isin’t on my side but I don’t ask for much. Just the acceptance of another human being. That will unlock my depression, not drugs. I am not jumping through hoops to get it though.

No I don’t act all depressed. I actually portray myself as quite happy.

Andreas's avatar

@SomeFlutheriteAnonymized “No I don’t act all depressed. I actually portray myself as quite happy.” That maybe part of the problem for you. If people can’t see it broken, then they think it’s not btoken.

For example: If you had a broken arm, then it would be in a cast and sling, and people would see it.

Unfortunately, a broken/damaged mental state, etc doesn’t show easily to most people, and therefore, if you act all happy/balanced/whatever then obviously you must be well, in their minds.

Sorry, but that’s my experience.

All problems mental are mongrels to deal with.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

What I probably need is love more than anything. A girl I can talk with and truly be myself around. One who accepts me for who I am and reciprocates that back and doesn’t reject me. Even my very few past girlfriends didn’t really love me.

Ah, the Magic Girlfriend with the fairy wand to come in and do for you what you refuse to do for yourself. No one will love you unless you love yourself, and see what’s loveable in you. There is no person to rush in and save you from yourself, except yourself. Your past girlfriends probably failed you because the task you handed them was too large, and too one-sided.

You have to learn to love or at least like yourself first. This is different than having a big ego about yourself. You can be full of self-importance and be self-loathing at the same time. You have to learn to let the inside person out, and that’s the point of counseling. Sometimes you can’t do it by yourself. The counselor/therapist should do what you are expecting the “ideal girlfriend” to do for you. Sometimes people accidentally stumble upon a person that does this for them, but it rarely works out because it’s not healthy in a relationship to place the burden of your well-being on another person. Often we’re handed this pattern from our parents. You have to learn to get past it and manage your own happiness.

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