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Sparkie510's avatar

Would you date someone older with kids or is it just too difficult?

Asked by Sparkie510 (397points) March 20th, 2008 from iPhone
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

21 Answers

kevbo's avatar

I wouldn’t categorically deny it but would say it depends on what you’re looking for. My only bad experience was with a girl who tended to spoil her kids out of guilt and also turned them against me during our breakup. But by that point we were done.

nikipedia's avatar

I don’t think so. But I’m not really into kids.

squirbel's avatar

I wouldn’t go for it. I love kids, but I am pretty sure it would get under my skin that I am his [the father’s] second. I’m just being honest with myself, you know?

cwilbur's avatar

Probably not, because I have no interest in raising kids, and I can’t expect the person to choose between his kids and me.

Riser's avatar

Just understand that you are not dating one person, in some respects, you are dating 2+ people, mind you 1+ of the equation will most likely no longer factor after a maximum of eighteen years.

scamp's avatar

If I really liked the person, I would consider it, but I would keep in mind what Riser said.

susanc's avatar

Think about this. If a guy with kids has room in his life for you, that means the kids
have already lost someone. That’s devastating, even if handled really well. Don’t make
them go through it again. Date the guy all you want, but do not move in, do not become
a person they can count on as a new mom, be a friend to them but don’t take on that
caregiving role. Move in with them and him only when you’re ready to stay forever. I know this sounds rigid. It is.

cityshark's avatar

I would believe seeing someone older with kids would make things a little hectic. There’s a lot more responsibility involved. Of course there would be more time spent raising the kids then spending intimate time together, but there is most likely the same infactuation stage of learning everything there is to know about that person. There is still romance, but you may see some of that time get consumed by those rascals. I’ve heard of significant others becoming very attatched to the kids. I’ve heard of people actually missing the kids more than the actual significant other if things go sour.

squirbel's avatar

I’ll be honest, I didn’t like the woman my dad remarried. If the kids don’t like you, it will make the relationship a rocky one.

[She was eeeeeevil. she had big ears with no folds, and her second toe was way longer, and she had a daughter, and claimed her family was descended from royalty, and always called her daughter a princess. She met my dad at a chili’s and they claim they met elsewhere… she was driving a little Geo with a snowblower engine and got my dad to buy her an SUV….and before they even got married she dug her icky nails into my dads finances and started talking about how he needed to fire this nurse and that nurse [because they didn’t like her either] to save money….those nurses worked for/with us since I was little.]

/rant off

kevbo's avatar

@squirbel, that really sucks.

@cityshark, I was definitely one of those guys.

Sparkie510's avatar

@squirbel – did the fact that you didn’t / don’t like your dad’s new wife affect your relationship with him? Is it typical of break ups that the father’s relationship with his children deteriorates?

FlutherMother's avatar

Hey – us older mommies with kids deserve love too! Actually, I am married, but if I were single again for whatever reason, I can’t imagine how I would manage to date when I spend 90% of my time shuttling them to football, baseball, etc. etc. etc. It takes a very special person to understand that situation, let alone put up with it. That being said, my friend got divorced a year ago, and her and her two kids are now living with her boyfriend. It was not easy and there were major growing pains, but they loved each other enough to work through it. And the kids adore him!!! I say that any relationship worth keeping is worth working on from both ends! The decision on whether or not to pursue a relationship should be decided on how willing you BOTH are to fit into each other’s lives. It should be a compromise on both ends – not just yours and not just hers. But in the end, remember that kids will always be a big responsibility and bitching to her to dump the kids on a babysitter every night so you could get more nookie will only alienate her. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

squirbel's avatar

Yes, my relationship went into the pits. This might be too much information, but she drove a wedge between us. They got married the year I went to college, and when I came home that summer, she was screaming up and down how she didn’t want his previous kids in the house, and that she wouldn’t stand for it. My dad prefers peace to war in the home, and denied me the ability to stay in my home. He gave me $200 and suggested I call around and find a place to stay.

I was a good kid. I never did drugs, never drank, got perfect grades. My biggest sin was talking back. My dad should have stood up for me. I took a greyhound to NYC to stay with some of my mom’s family. When I headed back to college the following year, the wife had cut off all assistance to pay for school, and my father did not protest. I lost my scholarship since I missed a semester.

Yes, there’s a wedge. I don’t hate him though, I just see him as weak, and feel my life is screwed unfairly. I have yet to get over it.

squirbel's avatar

The kids are the most important part of a relationship.

Sparkie510's avatar

Sorry – it must be a horrible situation for you. She sounds like a complete bitch. But thanks for your honesty.

kevbo's avatar

@squirbel, Jesus, what a rotten deal. How horrible. If it’s any consolation, you don’t come across as any worse for the wear.

If you posted her mailing address, she’d have 100 hate mail letters by week’s end. ;-)

squirbel's avatar

Hehe, I have this saying I’ve kept close forever: “An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground.”


kevbo's avatar

I haven’t heard that before, but I like it.

FlutherMother's avatar

@squirbel – it’s her loss to miss out on getting to know a wonderful person. And yes, your dad should have stood up for you, but I am glad you are strong for yourself regardless of what life handed you.
@sparkie510 – as you can see, all parties involved (and that can go with any “baggage” – parents, ex-spouses, your great grandmother who threatens to cut you out of the will, as well as any kids) can have a major impact on your relationship – how you deal with it will determine the future of your relationship. Just don’t give up on a good thing if you got it.

susanc's avatar

Squirbel, write a book. Tell us all how to live right. I’ll buy it immediately and give it
to everyone I love.
Kevbo, you too.

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