Social Question

janedelila's avatar

Why do I STILL want to have sex with my crummy ex? It's been months!

Asked by janedelila (3904points) August 2nd, 2010

And more months before we even broke up. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t figure it out, and of course he’s still all about it. I haven’t done it but I really wanna. Pros and cons?

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18 Answers

Nullo's avatar

There’s a part of human nature assigned the task of keeping humans in Nature, and it cares about precious little else. It’s what makes Roland Emmerich movies so popular, it’s why Google has a SafeSearch option, it’s what drives selfishness, and it’s why you still want to sleep with your ex.

This is a new opportunity for you to employ that rational mind. You had your reasons for exing the guy, did you not?

Disc2021's avatar

If both of your hearts aren’t in it and you’re convinced he deserves to remain as an ex, don’t do it. Otherwise, failure will arise out of failure.

lapilofu's avatar

If you do it, just make sure you’re clear on what your relationship is. Make sure you know what you do or don’t want out of it and make sure he knows.

perspicacious's avatar

I can’t imagine why, actually. I know people do this, but it’s not something I’ve ever considered. Ex means former in every way.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I don’t want to repeat what @lapilofu said so I would say it’s maybe because he’s good in bed and you want to feel that awesomeness again


Blackberry's avatar

There are three relationship types: Sexual, emotional, and financial. He may be your ex, but you guys still obviously have a strong sexual attraction. I have been purely sexually attracted to a woman but did not want anything else to do with her, we weren’t compatible any other way.

mowens's avatar

I do it with mine just because it’s fun. For a while it was because I still wanted to be with him, but now I just like the sex.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Eh, I’d go for it. I’m not saying that you should, though.

wundayatta's avatar

It isn’t just about sex. It probably has a lot to do with your current circumstances and your history. Yes, you have the urge. You know him, so you know what you’ll get. I think that this is a fairly common arrangement for booty calls. You want something; he’s available.

Of course, you have to be concerned about what is going on underneath. Who broke up with whom? Could you be secretly hoping to get back together? Secret from yourself, I mean. Do you want to treat him like a piece of meat to get back at him? Are you trying to punish yourself?

If you have low self-esteem, you might feel like this is all you deserve. Or you may be lonely and figure this is all you can get. Or you might actually like his company (even if he is “crummy”) and figure this is a way to buy some time with him.

I don’t know. I’d have to interview you to even have half a chance of understanding your behavior. I doubt if even then I’d understand. You know yourself best. Why do you think you are doing this?

Austinlad's avatar

I tried it one time, and after dealing the emotional problems that followed, I remembered why we had split up. But that’s just my situation.

janedelila's avatar

@wundayatta well, he’s really good at it. I broke up with him, just not on the same path for life. We still talk, but no love lost. He’s about it, I’m about it. Just don’t wanna find myself thinking I’m a whore.

lapilofu's avatar

@janedelila What exactly would it mean for you to be a whore and what don’t you like about it?

Dewey420's avatar

“When a woman has scholarly inclinations there is generally something wrong with her sexual nature.” Nietzsche thinks your shallow :( But not I, your a human-animal, a hedonist at worst.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, it is just about sex. No relationship, no love.

But it’s also a mutually entered into agreement. If anything, you are taking advantage of him, since you were the one who broke up, but now you are calling him whenever you want, and there he is.

That doesn’t make you a whore. Since this is mutual and no money is changing hands, no one is a whore. But you, it seems to me, are taking advantage of him in a way that may be prolonging his hurt over the breakup. I don’t know that, of course, but that seems to me to be the only real downside. Sounds like you’re a big girl and can take care of yourself.

janedelila's avatar

@wundayatta I haven’t done it yet. I just wanna.

wundayatta's avatar

Just make sure you are both on the same page about this and what it means. Make sure his choice is made with full information. That way you will both be deciding what you want freely, and you won’t take advantage of him, nor he of you.

That’s my policy anyway. I talked myself out of a number of frolics that way, but I am not unhappy I did it. I know I didn’t treat anyone like an object. If we had sex, it was because we both wanted it and it meant the same thing to both of us—as nearly as I could tell.

Disc2021's avatar

@wundayatta That’s the thing, there isn’t any way of knowing what will arise out of it or what the subtext and implications are that are there. The agreement could be “it’s just sex” but the feelings within remain unknown.

Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend it unless you want to spark an old flame. If you’re just horny – go get “it” someplace else, more than enough people are willing to give it up with little to no effort nowadays so there isn’t any reason to tread shaky waters.

wundayatta's avatar

@Disc2021 I’ll grant you it’s hard, and people fool themselves in all kinds of ways. Still, if she wants to do it, then she should make damn sure they are on the same page.

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