General Question

hiphopflop's avatar

How can I deal with my jealously?

Asked by hiphopflop (10points) March 24th, 2008

I’ve been physically attracted to a friend of mine for a while now. The thing is, thats all it amounts to is an attraction based on her looks, and all she sees me as is a friend and thats how she wants to keep it.

I’m cool with that because we are close friends and she’s always there when I need her. The problem is, when I see her with other guys, I just get real jealous for some reason. It’s like I can’t help myself. I feel crazy because I cant seem to talk myself from it.

My question is, have any of you found yourself in a similar situation. If so could you give me some advice on what I should do to make myself feel better? Also any stories you guys have would help greatly.

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16 Answers

theloveprophet's avatar

You need to tell her exactly how you feel. I have found that the best way to kill thoughts like this (when you struggle with them) is to bring them out into the open.

You will not be able to talk yourself from this. But when you tell her about these feelings of jealousy and that you DON’T want to have them, she should understand and you will resolve it with her knowing about it.

RedmannX5's avatar

I actually suffer from the same thing: jealousy. I know how ya feel, except that I am in a relationship. Even though I know that my girlfriend would never cheat on me, I can’t help from feeling jealous whenever she hugs other guys.

And I agree loveprophet, the only way to resolve it is to talk to her. Just balls out, talk to her. That’s how I have managed my jealousy because whenever I talk it out with my girlfriend she assures me that I shouldn’t be jealous.

theloveprophet's avatar

Yeah man. I never get jealous when my GF talks to other guys. I know that she has told me that she will never cheat on my. This is because we talk a lot, and I have the balls to talk to her about anything. I’m not afraid of her breaking up with me at all, and if she does, I guess she didn’t really love me. You understand where I’m coming from? Maybe I’m too lenient on the issue. Oh well.

iSteve's avatar

Jealousy is a tough emotion because it usually stems from some other emotion. Try to pay attention to what else you’re feeling at the time. If you can deal with it directly, your jealousy will go away.

hiphopflop's avatar

Hmmm, well we’re not in any kind of relationship which is why this is such an issue to me. I have no right to be upset over anything like this. I mean we’re pals and all, but who she does or wants to be around, date or get physical with really isn’t my business. As her friend, I should support and help her, not get mad and act like a high school kid.

I’ve told her that I have no feelings for her at all because I’m only after her good looks. I don’t want to ruin our friendship just because of my lust. That being said, if I talk to her about it, I’m afraid she’ll lose trust in me for lying, even though I did it for what I thought was a good cause. Normally I would agree with you guys because I feel thats the way to take on any problem dealing with people. Hopefully you guys can see my pickle from this point.

hiphopflop's avatar

I should also add that it’s awkward because I don’t normally have jealously issues. I’ve can’t think of a time I’ve been jealous over a girlfriend for something like this. Plus like I’ve mentioned quite a bit, this girl and I, we’re not in a relationship. Sorry if this is getting confusing. I’m real confused at this point.

qashqai's avatar

To put it plain and simple:
“talking with her” option – not worthy.
As far as I can understand she does not want anything more than “good” friendship by now. You could easily screw it up, and then it will be jealousy vs. remorse. Not good at all.
“I am not jealous because she would never cheat on me” option – out of the world.
I have seen humans do much more horrible things to themself than that.

The best advice I can give you is to find you an absorbing and thrilling hobby.
You will lose interest in her -> she will run back to you.

hiphopflop's avatar

So keep myself occupied and stay away from her for a while?

qashqai's avatar

Yes, in one way. No, in an other.
Don’t make it too clear you are trying to avoid her: that’s specifically important for the first times this is going to happen.
Then, when you will discover new things, meet new people, get new interests, things will go by themselves and your relation with her will find its true dimension (whatever will it be).

Bsilver's avatar

perhaps it’s a fear that if she ends up in a relationship, your friendship will be left on the wayside?

Or perhaps part of you, conscious or unconscious, is holding out that something may happen between you?

Either way, just talk to her, you don’t need to reveal your deep dark secrets about how you lied to her, just tell her that based on that little crush/lust thing you have going on, it’s driving you crazy when you see her with other guys. Just don’t make it seem over the top, usually a talk to air things out will help, but if you over do it, she’ll start acting different around you.

scamp's avatar

Are you sure that the feelings you have for her are just friendship, with a little lust thrown in? Could you be trying to convince yourself, and her that you aren’t in love with her because you don’t want to risk the friendship?

What happens to make you jealous? For example, is it the type of guy she is with, or is it the things you see them do together? If you are sure you’re not in love with her, what you may be feeling could be more of a paternal type of protective feeling instead of mere jealousy. Maybe you just don’t think these other guys are good enough for her, and that’s what bothers you so much.

I was very close to my brother, and I hated most of his girlfriends when he was dating. They all fell at his feet “because he was so cute.” I was a pain in the butt sister, because I ran off several of his wishy washy girlfriends. He had a harem of space cadets, and I just couldn’t stand it. It was none of my business, but I did it anyway, because I knew he could find a better girl for himself. When he started dating the girl who would later become his wife, he told me she was just “some girl” because he didn’t want me to chase her away like I had done with the others. she made it a point to ask me out to lunch, and I loved her personality. She had brains, and much better character than any of the others. I am glad that he married her because a few years later, he had an accident and became a quadripeligic. If he had married one of the flighty bimbos, they would had headed for the hills. But his wife stuck it out for twenty years until his death, and took very good care of him at home, not a facility.

I’m getting off track a little here. Mainly what I am trying to say is be honest with yourself about what you are truly feeling deep down. If you truly are in love with her, you should either tell her and take the risk, or back off until you think you can better control your feelings. If your feelings turn out to be more of a paternal protective type, you can talk to her and tell her you are concerned for her well-being, and want her to be happy. I think she will appreciate you wanting to look out for her, but only to an certain extent. If she feels you are interfering for either reason, she will back away from you.

So first, do a little more soul searching, and when you discover where these feelings are coming from, discuss them with her. Be honest and tell her that the friendship comes first. if you do that, she can help you with these feelings. You sound like an intelligent and caring man. I think she is lucky to have you in her life. I wish you all the best.

theloveprophet's avatar

ok… Now that more about this is known, you have got to defeat this yourself… If you look to a supreme being, such as YHVH, pray for guidance. It sounds like you are getting yourself in this rut and you can get yourself out by being the master of your head.

vanelokz's avatar

I don’t think that you should tell her how you feel because it will make things really awkward… I’m telling you from personal experience.

I unfortunately fell in love with my best friend and I told him about it and he didn’t see me that way. Like in your case he wanted to just be friends. Afterwards that made things really awkward because like you, I felt very jealous whenever he would talk to other girls and it got to a point where he started avoiding hanging out with me because he knew the jealousy I felt.

So basically I think you should try to keep your mind on other things. Believe me if you find other activities to do your feelings will eventually fade away. You just have to give yourself some time to pull yourself together again. Afterwards when you control your emotions and move on you’ll be glad you did and you will still have her friendship.

hiphopflop's avatar

@ vanelokz That’s exactly what I’m scared of, turning things into an awkward situation that ultimately will destroy our friendship. Thanks for the story, it confirms exactly what I was thinking. I’m pretty sure now that talking to her is no an option now.

@ scamp I’m not sure exactly what these feelings are because I haven’t had issues like this. I know she is beautiful but I don’t feel like it’s love.

@ theloveprophet Thanks man, I think thats what I’m going to need to do.

Thanks to all of you guys. This all help me so much.

theloveprophet's avatar

No problem, that’s what we’re here for (at least me).

VivaLaLaurennn's avatar

Put it in a box, and then put that box in a closet. Once you have time for that box, you open the closet, take out the box then deal with the problems. In this case jealousy.

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