Who is allowed to complain?

People who have some or one negative thing going on, or people who read/hear about an unjust situation, or people who feel they are always unlucky…, they can all complain.
Well, everybody can complain when they feel the need, and whether they are right to do so or not…, it is up to them.
An other thing is how it will be received by the person who has to hear the complaints.
I sometimes appreciate the most futile complaints just because I am in a complainy mood myself and I can imagine/understand their grief very good.
Other times it makes me itchy to hear someone complain about the bananas being to expensive.
Just as with feelings that people have about something, I think they are justified to vent them…, they are theirs, and they are true (for them).
Same thing goes for complaints in my view.

Complaints rarely solve problems. (Unless you’re the type of person who sends a steak back at the restaurant because it’s medium well instead of medium rare)

There are millions of people who could complain and I wouldn’t blame them, but it’s just a futile action to take in most cases. Unfair things happen. Painful things happen. Preposterous things happen. Finding a way to avoid or correct those things next time seems a bit more wise to me than just complaining.

I have no problems with people complaining about life, no matter how grand or trivial. I don’t perceive it as complaining, just as the person getting something off their chest.

I have watched other people get annoyed at the person complaining. “Stop complaining” they will sometimes say. I worry for those people, as I assume they are carrying something really negative inside, and don’t know how to articulate it, or to ask for help for themselves. They seem to resent those who do articulate their feelings.

Anyone can complain and has a right to complain to some extent. As long as they realize the severity of their situation compared to others.

Just because other people are worse off than you are does not negate your right to complain. It just limits it somewhat.

For example, I have been complaining today about my situation, but my husband and I are healthy and, by world standards, wealthy so I really have nothing to complain about. That does not mean that I don’t feel bad about the problems that I do have. I can usually keep things in perspective though.

One of my life’s mottoes has been:

Never complain; never explain.

I never said I could live up to it.

When people have been pushed to their limits and when anomalies happen.

Anyone named Cecil or Cecilia.

When they really, truly get frustrated. They’re doing their best, but the world seems to conspire to thwart their efforts. I guess that’s more of a work related issue. At work you just don’t have that much control.

Most people are allowed to complain in my book. I mean, I complain sometimes that my daughter always has to have her hand on my nose to fall asleep, but a lot of people think it’s adorable, and I used to too, before it started getting to the point that I couldn’t fall asleep because of it.

I think that for the most part, if you’re feeling shitty, you can complain.

There are a few exceptions to the rule, though. People who complain without actually doing anything to try and fix the problem, if it’s something they can fix. For instance, someone who complains that they feel too reliant on other people, but refuses to even try to learn to do things for themselves.

Also, for instance, the adult children who recently sued their mother for “not loving them enough”. One of them stated that their mother had given them a birthday card with “only” 15 dollars in it. People like that need to stfu, because I’m 100% positive that it took a lot more than $15 for their mother to raise them during the time she did.

I’m not much of a complainer. It is a waste of time and energy.
Everyone can have a moment now and then, but, beware the chronic complainers that like dwelling in the land of Eeyore.

“Woe is me…” bleh!

Anybody who complains repeatedly without even trying to do anything about it is not allowed. Anymore. Anybody who tried their best to remedy what proved to be a hopeless situation can complain all they want. As long as they don’t bounce it off from one person to another, incessantly.

Everyone but that doesn’t make me feel I also have to listen, relate or care. I used to think if I had something good then to keep it to myself so it wouldn’t hurt the feelings of others who didn’t have. I don’t think that was healthy.

It’s been my experience that those who seem to have the most to complain about are often the least inclined to do so. My job brings me into daily contact with people with severe disabilities—really severe. I’ve been doing this for over a decade and, with very few exceptions, they simply do not complain. Even when I invite complaint, no, things are fine, thanks.

I guess we’re built to focus in on departures from the norm in our life circumstances. If one’s overall life experience is a steady litany of difficulty (at least as viewed by others), then one may be less inclined to expend energy wishing things were otherwise, and may be more able to appreciate whatever little gifts life brings.

In the world at large, much of the complaint one hears is essentially a mourning of a loss. One had something—health, love, property, leisure—and then it went away, and that makes us sad. Some period of mourning that loss is to be expected, and if expressing that sadness helps in the recovery, I’m more than willing to listen. But coming to grips with the fact that everything eventually goes away is an important life skill, so I won’t be endlessly indulgent.

I’ve accepted that some people are natural fault-finders.They seem to skim right over life’s wonders and zoom right in on whatever is not perfect. I don’t find them to be pleasant company, and I certainly wouldn’t want to live life that way, but I have to recognize that people like this have some value in a society. They serve as a kind of “selective pressure” in the evolution of society.

In my personal opinion, the only valid time to complain is when you expect to be able to improve the situation through your complaining.

Some people make complaining a way of life. My son married into a family like that. If they can’t find a legitimate subject to complain about, they invent one. It took me awhile to realize they didn’t want to change anything, they simply take pleasure in complaining.

My Father In Law was also like that. He never had anything nice to say about anyone. He once complained because my (extremely shy) daughter in law never said “Hi” when she came into the room.

I agree wholeheartedly with @thorninmud‘s assessment. Some people, it seems, just aren’t happy unless they’re pissed off about something.

Only impoverished children that are born with the only purpose of dying of hunger shortly after can complain lol.

Everyone can and should complain. You need to get that negativity out. Eventually, the complaining has to stop and change needs to occur.

I can take complaining until someone refuses to act toward changing the situation. No bitching if you have no intention of doing anything about it.

@Mariah You should be at the party in the Watering Hole chat room. It just started.

To answer my own question, my views on this go back and forth sometimes.

On the one hand, I know that in most situations, complaining is a useless act. It won’t get you anywhere, and sometimes, it even makes you feel worse. Plus, it is usually pretty annoying to the people around you. I don’t like to be around people when they complain about petty things because, as a recovering perfectionist and anxious person, I have done a lot of work to learn how to not “sweat the small stuff.”

On the other hand, sometimes venting is all you need to feel a lot better about things. Sometimes I think everyone should be allowed to complain as much as they want. Almost everybody has faced very difficult times in their life and when things get hard, I don’t want to tell people they don’t have the right to vent about it. Complaining is essentially a harmless act and they could be expressing their anger in much more harmful ways. If venting helps you feel better, go for it.

People often think of complaining and taking action as mutually exlusive acts, but that’s not true. It’s only a problem if a person is complaining and not taking action (and that’s assuming that action on their part could even solve the problem).

I know I’ve been a hypocrite on occasion and haven’t taken other people’s problems seriously because I was caught up in the idea that my problems were so awful and I didn’t want to listen to anyone else’s complaints. I try to avoid this attitude because I know it’s not fair to tell people their problems aren’t all that bad just because someone else problems might be worse.

@PhiNotPi Coming!

Can someone tell me what complaining is? I’m not sure why it bothers people. Don’t you need to identify problems if you intend to try to do something about them?

I think @rebbel put it best in the first post. Good on ya, tall pirate-man. You nailed it.

Chronic complainers seldom recognize themselves and “victims” have a whole persona that goes along with why whatever you suggest can’t possibly help or even be done. There are professional problem rehearsers just like there are professional mourners!

Now comes the BIG BUT…..it takes relationship to know whether folks are in the victim mentality or just need to talk things out as other jellies here have stated so well. Generally the talkers-outers have a whole different spirit about them – they tend to be looking for answers and light to whatever is going on. One acid test is to notice that complainers take your energy away while answer seekers can inspire you in their own way.

Each and every one of us should be able to have good enough emotional vibes with others that we can have short rants now and then to relieve some steam and those around us should have the widsom to know the difference!

@wundayatta Yes, pointing out problems with the intent to get them corrected is necessary. However, there are some people who complain just for the exercise. They consider themselves victims of the world and complain to receive the comfort they crave.

Instead of trying to correct the problems they complain about, they indulge in behaviors that perpetrate the problems, and actually create problems so they can have more to complain about.

Example: Complainer: “My ankles hurt all the time”. Solution: lose weight and ease the pressure.
Complainer: “I can’t do the things I want because I am diabetic.” Solution: follow the doctor’s instructions regarding medication, diet and exercise

The solutions are not followed, or even wanted, because the complainer would rather complain.

Some great answers here, especially @thorninmud.‘s

Hi my name is Tom and I am a complainer. I have been clean for a couple of years, but it is always there with me. My complaining was part of my upbringing and was really just habitual. There came a point where I was incapable of communicating without it taking the form of a negative complaint.

Now, with some distance between me and those dark and embarrassing days, I can see this behavior and reflexive negativity in many of the people I know. It is painful to see, but I know that I cannot convince them that there is another way.

For the most part, my complaining was bourgeois, and not beneficial to my well being. I associated a lack of complaining with complacency and an acceptance of the status quo. Because I am not the most traditional person and hold many unpopular opinions about things, I believe part of me felt that complaining was the only honest expression of this alienation.

I have now found another way – with the help of mindfulness meditation.

I have a pretty good tolerance for people who like to complain.

Mostly depends on the circumstances.

I’m pretty happy to listen to whatever my friends have to say. I have a very high tolerance for anything that isn’t openly and personally cutting.

I guess one area in which I don’t like to hear complaining is in the political arena. When somebody continually harps on the fact that they don’t like the President/Way the Country is Going/Governor of their State/Particular laws, but they don’t vote, or write letters, or do anything else that might bring about change.

I also don’t like it when people complain about certain things in restaurants (usually to the wrong person) about things that have nothing to do with whom they complained to. My best friend’s boyfriend has never eaten a meal or received service that he’s been happy with. Unfortunately for me and my friend and all of the service people, this guy is a super picky eater so he doesn’t like a whole long list of foods, but he still complains that the food tasted bad (even though the food tasted great to me) and he’s also very pushy and manipulative and doesn’t understand how polite, professional service works so he expects people to read his mind. He’s never happy with the food or the service or the prices or the portions or the color of the carrots or the temperature of the water, and then he bitches about it. I always end up feeling sorry for the staff, embarrassed for my friend and disgusted with him. That’s why when I visit her, I try to make sure it’s just her and I going out to eat.

If I’m born without any arms and my dad raped me in the ass for seven years, I have a right to complain. If my boss is an asshole, I have the right to complain. If I broke my nail, I have the right to complain.
People have their own lives, and whatever is a problem to someone is a problem if they see it as such, even if to others, it seems insignificant. Sure and granted, maybe people should look around and get out of their bubble, learn and cope, and fix shit. Smarten the fuck up, and get out there, motherfucker!
Still, nobody has the right to tell another that their woe is not genuine. It’s like, if someone knows so much about problems, pains and adversity, then they should teach the person about it with real knowledge and wisdom, instead of just telling people they can’t complain about shit, and then walk off.

Who am I to say you can’t?

All people’s situations seem serious to them, at the time. Obviously, though, we’re not all equal and that’s why, as a joke, we refer to some people’s problems as ‘first world problems’ or ‘white people’s problems’ because, generally speaking, those who have privilege so rarely get a reality check and complain about things that would make others laugh in comparison. It’d be good to get your priorities in check and so whenever something negative happens to me, I just remember my parents having to run during a war from one country to the other without knowing how life will be and I think to myself ‘shut up, you idiot, your life is already 100x better’.

The complaining about complaining is delightful.

An aporetic dialogue on complaints

Alex: Complaining is useless. Just solve your problems or prevent the problem from occurring again.

Burt: Complaining often is useless, but it can also be cathartic. Sometimes, it is necessary to vent before a problem can be solved.

Alex: Okay, but a lot of people just like to complain and don’t do anything.

Burt: But sometimes frustration is the problem and complaining is the solution. Again, it’s catharsis.

Alex: Maybe, but that’s annoying.

Burt: Is that a complaint about complainers? Besides, the original thesis was that complaining is useless.

Alex: Fine, sometimes it’s useless and sometimes it’s not useless. Maybe it’s even useful. But if it’s not a solution to the problem—either because the complaint effects some change or because it brings about some catharsis—then there’s no point.

Burt: Okay, but now we’re talking about something else: when is complaining useless and when is it useful. The original question, though, was when complaining is justified.

Alex: And the answer to that is when it can solve a problem, either by changing the situation or by being cathartic.

Burt: Do you really think that, or do you just have a particular class of complainers in mind whom you dislike? A war veteran who has lost a limb cannot change the situation by complaining, and he may not get catharsis from complaining about it when some problem occurs because of the injury, but do you really think he is unjustified in complaining?

Alex: I deny that he gets no catharsis from his complaints. Even if it’s just to distract him from the pain or whatever, he is getting catharsis.

Burt: But then why should we not think the same of all complaints? It seems that we must either allow all complaints to be allowable or come up with rules for when one deserves catharsis.

Alex: Okay, but maybe we can. If someone has done everything in his power to improve his situation or is in his situation through no fault of his own, he can complain. Otherwise, he cannot.

Burt: Might the war veteran not have made a mistake in the heat of battle, making his injury in part through a fault of his own? And might it not be that he has done very little to research advanced medicine in the hopes of improving his condition? Yet it seems he is still allowed to complain.

Alex: What the war veteran has done, though, is heroic. His suffering is not ordinary, whereas most people complain about small things that aren’t worth complaining about.

Burt: Yet if complaining is—at least sometimes—the first step towards doing something, should we really limit ourselves to complaining only when our complaints are “worthy” in some dramatic way? Yes, other people have things worse than we do. But this is no reason to forgo improving our own lives. A small problem is still a problem. Not blowing it out of proportion is one thing, but ignoring it is to make the same mistake in the opposite direction.

Alex: Okay, but where does that leave us? Where are we now? Do we really have an answer to who is allowed to complain? It seems like we’ve just said a bunch of obvious things to qualify bold, but mistaken, opening theses.

Burt: I don’t know, but I guess I can’t complain.

This post brought to you by Procrastination™.

—Children who are dying of hunger
—Citizens whose country looks to be in danger of the Tea Party
—Anyone living in a land-locked rectangular state
—Jews in the Holocaust
—People with a cramp
—People with multiple cramps
—People who receive a gift and open it, but it isn’t what they wanted
—Blacks in slavery
—Actually anyone in slavery
—People in slavery with a cramp
—Irish in the Potato Famine
—A guy without legs or arms
—Women who are forced to steal food
—Elvis impersonators who don’t look like him
—People who flip a coin and get heads but they called tails
—People who don’t have any medical coverage but just got hit by a car
—People who have a bad dog living upstairs
—The person who looks at the stars but is blind and can’t see them anymore
—Someone in danger
—Children who have to care for a sick cat
—Men who lose their receipts
—My uncle has a bad haircut
—Anything in a cage

@jfos Really good answers

Anyone who feels a need to get something off their chest, better than having it all bottled up. Nobody is forcing anyone to listen anyway.