Social Question

Mariah's avatar

[NSFW] Is there an ethical dissidence in this situation involving desires?

Asked by Mariah (19226 points ) December 29th, 2012

A feminist who likes to be dominated in bed by her guy. Inconsistent, or no?

My gut says that fetishes are irrelevant to whether one can consider oneself a women’s rights activist.

But when I think about this situation, a woman who advocates for equal treatment during the day, and then goes home at night to potentially be shamed, punished, and generally pushed around by a man, it seems a little off.

I guess as long as she’s enjoying herself, there’s no real mistreatment occurring. What say you?

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17 Answers

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

This is shockingly common. I have worked with some bad ass-ed women. And when we started dating, they expressed a surprising and completely different attitude towards intimacy.

bob_'s avatar

The heart wants what the heart wants.

deni's avatar

A lot of people are not sexually equivalent to their normal day to day selves. Very dominant assertive people can be very submissive in bed, and vice versa, and etc., so I don’t really think there is that much of a correlation.

wundayatta's avatar

I know any number of women who are in exactly that situation. I think there’s no conflict. What you want in your personal fantasies has nothing to do with how you want the political world to be. You can play at master and slave, while wanting women to be equal in the workplace. There is no conflict there.

jca's avatar

This is me. It is what it is.

Let me clarify: I don’t want to be shamed or punished, as specified in the question’s details. i do, however, like to be submissive.

zenvelo's avatar

Sexual preference is not political philosophy; political philosophy does not make one dominant or submissive.
@Imadethisupwithnoforethought why do you call it “shockingly common”? Nothing shocking about it. I’ve known “mousy” women that were absolutely the boss in bed, and my old girlfriend was a Women’s Studies major/activist feminist, but wanted me to tell her what to do in bed.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@zenvelo I only intended to indicate to a much younger person than myself that she would be shocked if she knew how common it was. I am less shocked the older I get.

poisonedantidote's avatar

I hope I don’t get my balls cut off for this, but my girl likes to be dominated too, and I enjoy doing so very much.

You need to keep in mind, that it is not real, it is a fantasy, there is still consent. At any point she gets to say the safe word, and I must stop. She still has full control, and an equal say, as all limits are respected.

She gets to wear what she likes, work where she likes, gets to vote, and do all the things a man gets to do is she wants to do so. If she decides she wants to be a construction worker or truck driver, she will have my support.

Coloma's avatar

This sort of thing happens all the time. The world is full of incongruent people that preach one thing and practice another.
It is pretty hypocritical.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

I agree with you. There’s the real world and the world of fantasy. If two people are consenting adults and neither one is cheating on a significat other, then playtime is playtime and no harm is done.

It’s just like jokes or maybe movies or books you like to read, just because a subject fascinates or amuses you doesn’t mean that in reality you’re actually ok with it.

Here’s an example. I enjoy dead baby and pedophile jokes, but in reality dead babies aren’t funny and pedophiles should be skinned alive.

Supacase's avatar

The real point, as I see it, is that she chooses to be submissive in bed. As long as any woman is honestly making her own choices, what those choices are is inconsequential.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

Choosing to be submissive is still in a sense, being in control.

jrpowell's avatar

Feminism isn’t about being the master race. They want crazy things like equal pay for equal work and being treated just like all the white males.

the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

If anything it is totally consistent because they are expressing what they enjoy instead of being in the boring land of the missionary three-pump-chump. And it would be incorrect to assume they always wanted to be dominated. I’m sure there are nights they want to be dominate. It is simply spicing things up so you don’t do the same damn thing every single night.

And if you are doing the same thing every night you are probably only doing that boring shit once a week.

Shippy's avatar

To relinquish power momentarily for a dominant type person is extremely heady.

bookish1's avatar

What’s an ethical dissidence?
Did you mean a contradiction?

And yes, feminists can do BDSM and kink. As @Supacase said, feminism is about having choices and freely being able to make decisions.

If there is no consent and no room for free decisions, then it is not BDSM or kink; it is abuse.

Blackberry's avatar

I don’t think so, because the bedroom antics are a temporary pleasure that the woman just happens to like.

zenvelo's avatar

The more I think about this, the more a feminist viewpoint is that a woman can choose what ever sexual preferences she wants, be it dominant, submissive, active, inactive, top, bottom, oral or not, whatever she wishes, because it is her right to!

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