Social Question

MagicalMystery's avatar

Can you please help me determine whether or not this guy's behavior is something most people find acceptable?

Asked by MagicalMystery (895 points ) January 7th, 2014

There’s a guy in another department at work who asked me to lunch a few weeks ago. We are far enough apart, proximity wise, that we never see each other unexpectedly, so we never work together. I am in my 40’s and he is in his 50’s.

We went to lunch, twice, and it was good. Not thrilling but we were getting to know each other. Then, the following two weeks, our schedules didn’t jibe so we didn’t go to lunch. We did, however, have pretty much daily texts or emails. Nothing dirty, just “how is your day going” kind of stuff. He was complimentary about my looks and his emails and texts would often say things like “I need to see you” but I didn’t waver out of the “friend” mode.

He told me he is very busy with other businesses outside of work which is why we have not gone at night, and communication on weekends is not always frequent. I had asked if he sees anybody and he said no.

The last time we spoke or emailed was Christmas eve. We texted during the day, and then I called him at work to say hi, (our communication was not very often by phone), and then later that evening I texted him a photo of the doors of church. For Christmas eve, he was going to dinner with his daughter and ex-wife.

I have not heard from him since my Christmas eve text. I figured maybe he is involved with someone else or he took up with his ex wife, or he decided that we are not compatible, for whatever reason. Today he emailed me and said how are you. I answered fine, and then I told him on the email that I was kind of confused why I haven’t heard from him since Christmas eve. He wrote “I figured you were kind of busy with Christmas and all.” I wrote that regardless of whether or not it’s a holiday, I find not hearing from someone for two weeks to be kind of baffling. He wrote something like “I suppose. I guess life is baffling. On the other hand, if I wrote or called you daily, that would be considered overbearing, so I guess something in between is best.”

We used to text or email daily or almost daily, and never had any conversation where either of us said that it was overbearing.

I don’t want to argue about this. I have not yet responded to his email because I am just confused. I can’t understand someone not texting, emailing or phoning for two weeks and then picking up like nothing weird happened.

Am I wrong?

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17 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

Sound to me like you were communicating too much for his taste. Let him be the instigator until you two are closer.

Maybe his ex or kid busted him on the texts and things?

janbb's avatar

You’re not in a relationship yet ust beginning to get to know each other so chiding him over his communication frequency seems a bit intense. I’ve learned that we often get burned by what we expect another person to do. Take a deep breath, relax and see where it goes. And I do think new friendships are often on hiatus over the holidays. He may have been freaked out a bit by your texting him on Christmas Eve.

zenvelo's avatar

Welcome to older people dating in the modern age.

I would share your frustration if the same happened to me. If he is single, though, he may be actively searching on line too. It’s that people who are not yet far enough to be giving it a full chance are still active in on line and in person dating.

I’d fall a little between @KNOWITALL and @janbb and maintain your level of communication, and the next time you are with him in person, tell him “let’s make sure we’re on the same page about communication.” And then the two of you compromise so both of you are comfortable.

Juels's avatar

Sounds like he wants to play games. Drop him.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Things happen in the holidays, people get busy and lose time; I would not make a big deal of it.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Not that I am in anything of a similar situation but for me, these past two weeks, I didn’t really talk to anyone or do anything. Busy shitty time of the year.

ibstubro's avatar

I’d be miffed, too, if I contacted him on Christmas Eve, then not only Christmas Day, but New Years Eve and Day went by without a word. Indicating that you and I both may be overly sensitive. (I know I am.)

On the plus side, he’s been a nice, harmless lunch companion and he was the first to break the ‘after holiday’ ice. Now that this whole incident has cooled your jets, it’s the perfect time to start lunching again, if he asks. :)

downtide's avatar

I think you’ve hit upon the differences between the average man and the average woman. It seems to me (at least from my experience) that for the average man, communication once a week feels like “too pushy”, but for the average woman, once a day is “he’s ignoring me”. He’s probably frightened of appearing like he’s coming on to you too strongly by initiating contact too often.

If you feel like it’s not enough, initiate the communication yourself. He will probably be relieved.

Coloma's avatar

I’m exhausted just reading about it. lol
Yep, I’m in the play it cool camp and don’t chase him. You expressed your thoughts on the subject now just observe HIS communication frequency over the next period of time. If you feel like you’re being jerked around go with your feelings.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Relax. It’s been casual. You both took a breather. That’s no big deal. Don’t make it difficult to take up where you left off.

Buttonstc's avatar

Are you absolutely certain that he is, in fact, divorced and that his wife is truly his ex ?

From what you’ve described of the types of connections you’ve had this far, my initial impression was that it was entirely possible he was a married man trying to keep his communications with you entirely separate from his home life. That just seemed like the “style” of his interactions with you and his reaction to your texting him Christmas Eve.

Of course I could be wrong but that’s my impressions and if I were involved with this guy, my spidey senses would be on the alert for a hidden wife or SO in the wings somewhere.

zenvelo's avatar

I have the same concern as @Buttonstc – the drop off of after work hours communication stinks of something else going on.

ibstubro's avatar

For what it’s worth, I had the same gut reaction as @Buttonstc, but I didn’t mention it for two reasons: surely you have 100% verified that and he most likely would have been more eager to rekindle the relationship asap following New Years.

If you’re not 100% positive about his relationship status, try to do that before you proceed.

MagicalMystery's avatar

There was one other thing that happened that made me wonder. My job had a conference that was about ten minutes away from his house, and I was there at the hotel the whole weekend. Not once did I hear from him the whole weekend. After that, I asked him if he is seeing someone and he said no (we had this discussion before but then after the weekend of not hearing from him I had to ask again). I couldn’t understand “I need to see you” and then I’m ten minutes from his house and no effort on his part, not even “let’s grab a cup of coffee.”

The only way I know of to verify it is to ask him. I don’t want to discuss it with anybody at work and we don’t have any mutual friends. On two separate occasions he told me he has not dated in two years, but that doesn’t mean he is not lying.

I just can’t figure out frequent communications and then two weeks of absolute zero, not even responding to my text from Christmas eve, for two weeks. It makes me suspicious and at this point, I am thinking I am done with him.

ibstubro's avatar

I’m thinking that “done with him” is probably a good, self-preservation reaction.

You were in a hotel 10 minutes from his house the weekend, and not even a nod at dinner or a drink? ALARM! ALARM ALARM!

Just move on…he’s not worth explaining to.

zenvelo's avatar

@MagicalMystery That last piece of information gave me the same feeling as @ibstubro. Call it off now.

The only way to settle your mind now is if you either Google him intently, or maybe hired a PI to find out if he is still married. It seems there are too many questions raised and he is not forthcoming or even making an effort to spend even a little time with you. But you aren’t even to the point of a relationship where you have enough emotionally invested to justify the inquiry. Just break it off now.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

I am thinking I am done with him.
You were never started with him, you were not a couple, not married, you were not boinking, there was no “ring on it”. Don’t get worked up over a house you never lived in.

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