If not "small talk" then what?

Small talk serves an important function as elaborated by your quote from Wikipedia. I don’t mind it, but I don’t want it to last forever. Small talk is kind of like a first date. The people want to get a feel for each other before diving into the deep stuff.

I think the words small talk brings up images of people sitting around murmuring things they don’t mean to people they don’t know.

I have found that if I’m sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for an appointment the time goes so much quicker if someone starts talking to me about what’s on the TV, my shoes, nail polish or whatever. I think people search for a common ground to talk to others so they won’t be lonely, just to pass the time, or maybe they just can’t shut up. I am more prone to small talk myself as I get older. If you see me in a corner jabbering to myself, please ignore me.
I can only think of one word to replace it with: conversing. Is that even a word? I was conversing with Canidmajor and we accomplished nothing.

there is no replacing it. And it’s silly to believe that you can? Small talk is the bedrock of civility. Everything from “good morning” through “how’re the kids”, “nice weather”- why dispense with these? More to the point, how would such a policy be instigated or enforced?

Ah, but @stanleybmanly , I am addressing those who “loathe” and “abhor” it, wondering if they can come up with an alternative.

I see. I don’t know know how to look at that. I can understand not wanting to hang over the back fence and gossip with the woman in the yard behind yours. But imagine a world without “thank you”. By the way, I’m probably an inveterate small talker and gossip. The folks in rest homes and convalescent hospitals worship me. I also show up with the ice cream and dominos.

I don’t know @canidmajor I thought small talk was the way to meet someone, of either sex and you sorta get the feeling if you want to get to know them further by small talk.

I don’t really think there is an alternative , for people that hate it I guess they just don’t want to get to know anyone outside their realm of close friends and family.
Their loss I guess.

It’s really quite fascinating that anyone would abhor small talk. What do they talk about in the line at the grocery store? Do they start a conversation there with “Whom did you vote for in the last election?” or “That color makes you look ill.” or “Which car is yours in the parking lot?”

It is utterly illogical to hate small talk.

As I mentioned above, I don’t want it to go one forever, but it does serve a purpose. We simply do not ask people very intimate questions as a way of introduction.

I’m sure there are people who start out with the big questions about life and death right off the bat, and I guarantee those people have few, if any, friends.

Speaking for myself, I abhor it when it is the ONLY type of non-conversation some people are capable of. Small talk and friendly salutations are fine amongst casual acquaintances or strangers, but if you’re stuck with someone who can’t get past the weather for the next 15 minutes, time to just be quiet. At that point I am looking for any exit I can find. Small talk is intended to be an appetizer not an entree.

Small talk can be completely avoided. The result of it is talking only when there’s need for it and not having to listen to things you’re not interested in, like how many times did Susie’s baby poop today or what did Bob’s rich aunts do in Zimbabwe.
And yes, there can still be bonding without wasting words, like spending time together, working on something together, walking, fishing, meditating, playing video and other games, watching movies…..
There are tons of ways to bond without talking. Sometines, words can get in the way.

@Hawaii_Jake
There’s apsolutely no need to talk to strangers in the grocery store in the first place. In fact, it’s annoying and inconsiderate; other people are forsed to wait while you are chatting bullshit with the seller, or asking shit that are none of your business.
If I go to the store, it’s to get what I need and get out, not to chat with anyone.

It’s not that the “small talk” is small that is objectionable, at least to me. What is objectionable are the empty ways that many people engage in it. When it is mindless, insincere, disingenuous, ingratiating, false, etc., that feels empty or worse. It is possible to do small talk with sincerity, in which case I think it’s great.

But not “Oh HI! How are you doing? Uh huh…” (proceeds to ignore the answer)

@Sneki2 Depends on your personality, extroverts enjoy meeting and talking with others, introverts not so much. Nothing wrong with either, just different styles.
I love chatting up strangers and often have great, fun, interactions when I am out and about. I do not hold up lines but I am one that really loves encountering playful, personality packed people.

The world needs more of them, we have enough grumpy, pedantic, curmudgeons as it is.

@Zaku Agreed, my sentiments exactly. As if when someone asks ” How are you?” We are going to answer with “Oh, really shitty today.” LOL The standard, rote, reply is always “fine.”
So why even bother… better to just say ” Hi” and keep moving. haha

@Sneki2 My 82 year old father lives alone and has no friends. His closest neighbor just passed away from cancer. He goes shopping every other day to have human interaction. Sometimes it’s the only interaction he gets. Many elderly people look forward to shopping so they can connect with other people, even if it’s just a little small talk.

@Hawaii_Jake

Whoever says that a person wants to talk in line at the grocery store to begin with? When I’m at the store I’m there to grab whatever I came for, pay for my purchase and go about my day. I don’t really want to talk to anyone period beyond relevant, necessary information.

It is utterly illogical to assume that everyone in the line wishes to make conversation.

OH, good grief, @Sneki2 and @Darth_Algar, that was a casual example that @Hawaii_Jake gave, don’t talk if you don’t want to. Lots of people like to connect in situations like that.

@Sneki2, did you read the details? Do you just stand like a surly lump at, for example, weddings or events where you might not know a lot of the attendees? Are you never in a circumstance where making casual conversation with strangers or mere acquaintances is appropriate? I guess your answer to my original Q is that you just stand, not speaking, making sure you look unapproachable so you won’t have to engage.

@canidmajor

Shit, my bad. I forgot the first rule of Fluther – placid agreement only.

@Darth_Algar or maybe not just a nasty over reaction to a casual example?

^ Exactly. That’s why I dread weddings and try not to go there if I don’t have to. I hate those events I have to attend for whatevet reason. If I need company, I call people I know I’d have something to talk about with.

Besides, I don’t talk to people in the store and I really don’t want to do it. It’s the other people that come up to me and ask me dumbass questions or going captain obvious or whatever just so they’d let some air out of their mouths. Most of the time, I don’t answer, or respond with “yes”.
I had people who’d never seen me before and they come to me and tell me about their lives and what they do for a living and whatnot. One dude once saw me for the second time in his life and he already told me about his salary and failed marriage.

How the hell is that any of my business?

It’s inappropriate, really and he’s far from the only example. I had quite a lot of these “outgoing” and ” chatty” people being really annoying, awkward, or downright rude in their “friendliness”.

@canidmajor

My post wasn’t an overreaction. I see this kind of thing all the time. Person A, assuming the person next to them wants to chit-chat, begins with the small talk. Person B, not wishing to talk, gives a curt “yes”, “no” or maybe doesn’t respond at all hoping that Person A will pick up on the cue. Person A then ether ignores or is oblivious to Person B’s cue or, worst yet, notices it and then acts indignant and offended.

Yours and @Hawaii_Jake‘s posts here are prime examples of how you can’t even mention or signal that you dislike chit-chat without someone taking offense. Trust me, folks like us would love to not talk when we don’t want to, but people get downright confrontational in their socializing.

@Sneki2 and @Darth_Algar Well, it’s not for everyone. I’m sure you both give off the vibe that you don’t want to chit chat, so hopefully that keeps the chit chatters at bay.

Small talk can lead to great things, example my dad started small talk with this stranger one after noon found out he was on his way to a realtor to sell his house from learning this my dad had the man show him his house my dad bought it renovated it and made a good profit from it.

Yeah there are times you don’t want to talk to anyone, just stand there and look like you would prefer to just kill the person and watch them die, most times you will be left alone,or whip out your phone and text or pretend to text and will be left alone.

But small talk can lead to cool things like true human interactions better than FB or texting any day, like their opinion of a restaurant right around the corner that is good or a sale that is going on or how to get to a destination , Oh you can get that from your Smart phone wonderful and again we lose just a bit more of the human side of life.

Well, when I meet with someone that gives me a clear signal they don’t want to engage I stop trying to engage them. Plenty of other friendly fish that happily bite. The best encounters are finding those like minded types where we both fall into a perfect little joyful block of improv. It flows and is mutually enjoyable.

I can flow around the sticks in the mud. haha
Nothing makes me happier than coming across a playful person.

Totally agree @Coloma ^^^^^

The thing is that small talk frequently leads to BIG discoveries. If you have a genuine interest in or curiosity about people, I can see no harm in letting them talk. It’s actually rather fascinating what people can tell you, and more frequently than I remember, I have heard some spellbinding or riveting narration from people that have surprised the shit out of me. A couple of weeks back I was visiting a friend of mine in a senior facility, and this frail but elegant 93 year old woman who usually chats with us (and gobbles up ice cream like you wouldn’t believe) mentioned that she had worked throughout WW II at the huge Willow Run bomber plant turning out B-24s. I wound up pumping more questions at that poor woman who grew ever more enthusiatic in providing answers as the clock ticked on. It was a truly great conversation, and I ran back there last Sunday looking forward to more, but her selfish son had whisked her home to spend a few days with him and her grandkids. How inconsiderate of him!

See it’s things like this you get from small talk^^^^^^^ great answer @stanleybmanly .
Try and get that from a smart phone.

Small talk is not everyone’s cup of tea, and I don’t think people should be insulted for not liking to do it.

I do it on occasion, but not all the time. Not at the grocery store unless someone starts talking to me first, usually. Maybe on rare occasions, if someone has a product that I was curious about, I might ask about it, but otherwise, not usually.

Some people don’t want small talk. It’s painful for them. Others are shy at first but then they don’t shut up. It’s very easy for me to talk to people that don’t shut up. I listen and I ask a few questions, and they are very happy to go on and on about their favorite foods, their family, etc.

People think I am very good at it because I make it look effortless, but it’s work. It’s work to do it, and it’s what I do for work (previously being a child protective caseworker and now being a full time union rep). Instead of going to someone’s house and interviewing them, I would go to their house and make small talk, and then, interspersed with that I’d ask the questions.

My first boss when I was doing child protective told me that I was good at my job because I’m a good bullshitter. LOL She was right.

Small talk is like … a salad or an appetizer before the main course of a meal. It’s not a healthy replacement for the meal, but in its time and way it serves a useful function. With some people and at some times it can be “the whole meal” – and maybe in that respect, and certainly among people who are served “nothing but small talk” (such as receptionists, postal carriers and others who are “meeting people briefly” all day long) this can be wearing. I can see that and sympathize.

But for most people, most of the time – and in limited engagements – it’s fine.

Thing is most small talkers aren’t lively, they aren’t playful, they don’t say anything interesting, they just prattle on banally because they have a compulsion to talk. It’s like the old saying – some people speak because they have something to say, others speak because they have to say something.

@Darth_Algar I agree, there is friendly, spontaneous banter that can lead to some interesting and fun interaction then there is the small talk that is like water torture, one miserable drop after another and another of complete nothingness. I like to call it drivel. lol

I gave one example. One. It’s possible to think of many more, but it’s silly to have to do that.

There are many situations when small talk helps people get to know each other who are – for better or worse – going to be next to each other for a period of time. This period of time can be pleasant or miserable. The participants get to decide which way they want the time to go.

And I repeat, it’s illogical to hate small talk. I did not say it’s illogical to hate talking in line at the grocery store. That was one example. Geez! Why are you being so literal, @Darth_Algar?

I think if people hate something they shouldn’t be told their opinion or their feelings are illogical.

It’s quite possible to argue that hate is illogical. Opinions and feelings are not subject to the laws of logic.

Why not just “they feel what they feel and that’s ok?”

@jca I have no idea how this relates to the OP.

***

Why do I get the feeling there’s something else going on here, and I have not been invited to the party?

Edited: @Hawaii_Jake: Most people on this thread are discussing whether or not they like small talk and whether or not they think small talk is ok. The discussion you and I are having is on topic. You said it’s illogical to hate small talk and I am saying I think if people hate something, they should not be told their feelings are illogical. Your comment about a party is a comment I don’t understand.

@jca How is a discussion about whether or not it’s appropriate to criticize feelings on topic? You have branched out into whether or not I should tell people their feelings are illogical.

I am backing away now. This is too bizarre for words.

Way too bizarre.

Lots of talk about small talk.~

Very small talk about small talk. LOL

I’m done talkin’. LOL

I have not yet read the other answers, will do so after posting.

In a world where everyone under age 40 seems to have social anxiety, small talk is a wonderful way to “fake it till you make it.” People seem to associate the words small talk with something that is only fake, it isn’t, in my opinion. When people my age and older were young, we were taught how to make polite conversation, so that we could get along with people in a variety of situations.

When we got older, because we knew how to speak to people in all sorts of situations, I think it was easier for us to be able to move around in all sorts of situations and feel OK. It didn’t mean that we had to love going to work parties, or weddings or whatever, it just meant that we learned how to deal. I don’t think people these days learn how to do that, or somehow scorn the whole idea of it, but looks what it’s gotten them: social anxiety.

I used to be fairly shy, but I learned the lessons of “small talk” and practiced by striking up nice little conversations with people at work, or in the grocery store line, and because I did the “fake it till you make it” thing, I learned how to be comfortable around people.

Small talk is a nice device that was developed to teach people manners, and how to feel comfortable, and how to make other people feel comfortable. If you never learn how to make small talk, you will probably suffer from embarrassment and loneliness and “social anxiety” when you are around people, and that is a terrible way to live.

for someone that hasn’t read the other answers, you sure do reference all of them lol

I think I can speak for my dad that he doesn’t like small talk. He would call it trivial talk. He understands in an intellectual level why it’s necessary, but especially once past the first meeting, he wants, I’d say almost requires, something more substantive. It is exhausting talking him quite often. I think part of it has to do with IQ maybe? I’m not sure. And, lack of social skills, which probably partly comes from his upbringing. Plus, probably men are less inclined to small talk. I’m just thinking out loud, I don’t know if any of that has been studied specifically to make such generalizations.

“chattin shit”

(I think if people hate something they shouldn’t be told their opinion or their feelings are illogical.)
OH @jca sorta like my feelings about smart phones?????^^^

No Squeek. Your cell phone arguments make perfect sense. It’s one of those examples in life like sex. There are plenty of VERY rational reasons for avoiding it. But I suspect that one day you will cross the line. You just have to experience it to understand why no one goes back. That is a rather compelling argument. NO ONE GOES BACK.

Ha^ wrong! ran into a woman the other day that was on her flip, shocked I commented that she was using a flip and not a smart phone, she snarled and said her smart phone was hacked, they got a lot of stuff, and she was never going to have a smart phone again.
Maybe totally her fault I don’t know, and don’t care,but some do go back,others just can’t handle the data fees the providers charge up here.
Believe me I am not arguing a smart phone can do an amazing amount of stuff, a lot more than a flip can but if you have zero desire to access any of that magical stuff then why have one?

I was wrong as usuual. Had my phone been hacked a day or 2 after receiving it (and as you said, it would almost certainly be due to my own ignorance) I would still be on the LG.and solidly in your camp. It’s like the rules of navigation holding up perfectly well with the earth at the center of the solar system. The Sun and stars circle you dependably and predictably. Good enough for me.

@SQUEEKY2 and @stanleybmanly Yikes..and remember, it’s not okay to be social in social so quit with the small talk. LOL ;-)

@Kardamom

I know you weren’t necessarily addressing your post to anyone in particular, but speaking for myself I can say that it’s not at all what you think. It’s not social anxiety or anything of the sort. I have no problem at all being social. I simply dislike engaging in meaningless chit-chat with random strangers that will go nowhere. I love conversation with people, but only if it is of substance or has the potential to lead to a substantive to a conversation of substance. There is nothing of substance to be gained from idle banter in the grocery store line about the weather, last night’s game, the attention whores gracing the covers of the tabloids, or whatnot. It’s the verbal equivalent of empty calories.

OK @Darth_Algar Do you just dive right into those deep conversations with total strangers then?
I find the small talk as sort of a feeler gauge as to know if you want to get to know this person any further, and believe me I have learned from a little small talk there are lots of people I don’t want to get to know any further.
But some can and do lead further such as a great friendship or at least a great conversation.
And yes all that from standing in line at a check out.

I don’t usually get involved in grocery store banter when I’m on line but I can tell you one time when I learned something very interesting. I was at Costco and these two people had two large carts full of barbecue stuff – meats, rolls, water, soda, plates, etc. I said “Where’s the party because I want to come!” They told me the local Elks Club has a lot of parties. I looked into it and although I didn’t join, I know where it is, what they do, what they have and that it’s available if I am into it. I wouldn’t ever have learned about it because it’s just something that wouldn’t be on my radar.