Why do some people "come out of the closet" and some stay in it?
I was reading an article about a certain film star coming out of the closet. It got me thinking simply because she said she felt like her own jailer when she was hiding the fact that she was gay. . In different areas of our lives we may decide not to divulge certain information about ourselves or we may. What actual benefits are there to coming out and telling the world something different about yourself that they did not know before? In which ways does it change ones life? Have you ever done something like that? And how did it change your life. Or are you of the opinion that “it is no bodies business” and don’t seek out side validation?
Some examples, I am bisexual so in a way it makes me a bit of fence sitter. Plus I reckon we get more rap than gay people because of misunderstandings. Also my mental illness, I never really feel up to explaining a whole lot to people I tell. But in a way are we all not responsible then for general ignorance if we do not share with other people?
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45 Answers
They can’t decide what to wear?
It is a personal choice and would be based on their perceived reaction from people who they care about.
In my nephew’s case,it was because of fear.He got to the point where he didn’t care what anyone thought anymore and came out.Good for him.
I was going to throw out some flippant comment until I read the entire question. My bad. Honesty and forthcoming with positions would make the world a nicer place. People are all different, that’s what keeps my interest in the world. And to be honest, if I were a woman, I ‘d be at least bisexual, if not lesbian.
Coming to accept one’s sexuality and being able to share it with others is a very individual process, one that never ends (because, after all, every time we meet someone important to us, we have to come out again, it seems, especially if their beliefs are heteronormative). We always must consider the environment (cultural, religious, family-wise, etc.) that the person is in as well as what country they’re residing in. Halfway around the world, it is a crime to be gay and a death sentence in many other places. Some people feel shame, have been brainwashed to think they’re going to hell, etc. and for them it is fear that’s holding them back and internalized homophobia. Some people come out because they realize it’s ridiculous that anyone should even care but they have to say it for visibility’s sake – that is why I ‘come out’ time and again, because by not doing so, I am implicit in a culture that assumes all married people to be straight. Some people come out because they feel that given their position of power or exposure (like celebrities) they can further the causes that matter to them and that’s fine because don’t we all do that, at one point? I don’t think every queer celebrity has to be an advocate for the cause but it’s great if they are.
Honesty in everyday life. Don’t project some image of yourself just because you think that’s what people expect. Honest acceptance of others, embrace their differences and don’t judge everyone else from within your own parameters. And now I’ll get off my soapbox.
Coming out is wonderful. It means not policing what you say on an every-day basis. I was never really in the closet, but it used to be that I mentioned it so rarely that I had friends actually forget I was queer (not exaggerating). Being out doesn’t necessarily mean being out and loud, although the older I get the more I realize that for me, being out does mean being out and loud sometimes. I think that visibility is extremely important for any group that is discriminated against.
there is an alternate universe where @fireinthepriory and @liminal and I are together in a polyamorous arrangement with my husband
Besdies breathing and eating, sexuality is probably one of the most basic human instincts. To hide something so central to your character requires a lot of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual effort.
I know. I hid until I was 35 years old. The hiding causee great stress and pain, and finally, I got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. So, I came out of the closet.
The change was not overnight. It took years of therapy before I could learn to love myself. Now I live a peaceful life and surround myself with people who love me for who I am: homosexual and all.
@fireinthepriory hey, if you’re game to make it happen in this one then by all means, pm me
@fireinthepriory um…okay! that better be a promise, because I enjoy getting pmed like there’s no tomorrow
I don’t usually say this but get a room. Your distracting the rest of us. (I’ll add in a nice way)
You now have me day dreaming about NY, @Simone_De_Beauvoir and @fireinthepriory. When I first saw Simone’s new avatar my first thought was “that beautifully shaved head must be lovely to touch”, anyway, I digress.
I accidently out myself all the time. It is natural for me to talk freely about my life just as others do. For example, one time I was in a conversation with a group of parents at a playground talking about what to make for dinner. Some talked about their spouses making dinner for them and so on. It was a mundane but lively conversation. I then commented “This reminds me to call my wife and ask her to bring home some bread.” Things became awkwardly silent, but that is another story.
Often, when people learn something about me that they didn’t expect they are less likely to make assumptions about me in the future. Which is a good thing. Yet, it is not hard for me to understand why some feel the need to keep certain things about themselves hidden.
@liminal dreams are good. I like making them into reality. When you’re in NY, you have to pm me too
@jjmah you’re my first fluther crush and you are on the top of my list..man, I’m going to have to make a list, aren’t I? Sadly, with you, though, it’s not like it’ll ever be possible for us to pm each other
Why do some people “come out of the closet” and some stay in it?
Some stay in it because they fear what others will think and say about them.
As open as it has become regarding gay and lesbian lifestyles, they are still in the minority, and obviously many people still think they are sick.
N.B. The fact that gay marriages in the US are almost impossible to make legal.
@davidbetterman in my country it is legal. I think then the country that laws it as illegal sets an idea that it is not normal and that they are “sick”.
I would imagine there are so many factors involved in these decisions that you’ll never be able to make any kind of generalization at all. I think it has to do with the culture of the family of origin, religion, where you live, who you are with, how brave you are, the support you get from others, whether you have gay or lesbian friends, and on and on.
I’m chicken, so I would never come out as anything stigmatized in the real world. I admire people who have the balls to ignore social disapproval, and are proud of themselves no matter what.
Hmm..because they’re embarressed. I know i would be.
@neverawake well, that’s just sad. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
@neverawake I’m gay and I’m not embarrassed.
Get off the computer and go do your homework.
@jjmah Nah, school was over for me at exactly 2:30 on the dot.
Go play with your stink bombs..kid.
@jjmah i’ll be sure to do that later..mr. elderly
I concealed my sexuality for years. I’ve known I was gay since middle school and yet I didn’t tell anyone until after senior year, literally a few days before college started. It’s an extremely liberating thing to do. I had lived my whole life with people just assuming I was straight because that’s what most people are. I had always wanted to tell people, but I didn’t know how they would react and I was embarrassed and I didn’t know how to do it. It isn’t something people can just assume about you. You have to tell them otherwise they won’t know. But finally, I just got tired of the lying and the pretending. As much as I had always been myself around people, there was one big thing that I wasn’t being truthful about and wasn’t sharing. A person just gets tired of hiding.
Coming out doesn’t mean that I walk around with a megaphone telling large crowds of random people what my sexuality is. It means that I inform people when it’s necessary and when it comes up. (Of course I told my family and friends systematically but that was because they are the ones closest to me and they deserve to know and I wanted them to know). Coming out means I don’t have to hide it anymore. If someone asks me about relationships, I’ll tell them about my boyfriend, if someone asks me what girls I think are hot, I’ll them that I actually think guys are hot.
It isn’t something that I have to share openly. But when it comes up, I will. I treat it normally. I treat it like the way my friends treat their heterosexuality. But it isn’t that easy for all people. Coming out is often very difficult, especially if they are surrounded by homophobia. The things that are done gay people by homophobic people can often be pretty terrible. When you suspect that that might be a possible reaction, you’re going to want to avoid it.
@neverawake I think being a bigot is much more embarrassing than being a homo. Which I am, in case you missed it above. Out and proud, bitches. Out and proud.
@neverawake I am sure you have some area of expertise which you could offer fluther on other threads? I always think it is a waste of intelligence to answer a question you have no understanding of, I am sure you will agree? Your answers have been like glasses of sand in a desert.
@Just Justine eh oh well, probably wasn’t even that important anyway
Because they have the right to choose
well Im lesbian and I come out to the people that are important to me, I dont need to be explaining myself with everyone else, I guess to me it is about the importance that I give to my girlfriend with the people that I care about
Becasue some are afriad of the social stigma that comes with it.
There is no one answer for this question. People live their lives the way they do for many reasons.
It’s a set of weighing scales. Do the (perceived) negative consequences of coming out outweigh the benefits? Do they outweigh the consequences of staying closeted?
For many people the consequences of coming out can be much worse than for others (depending on their job, their family, whether they’re in the public eye or not).
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