General Question

norah's avatar

Is it in my best interest to go out with a few men who have asked me, even though I don't look that great right now?

Asked by norah (241points) November 1st, 2010

I’ve gained a little weight, out of shape… I’m just wondering if I should put them off a few weeks, or just meet them and hope my winning personality is enough :) Maybe just fake feeling attractive for a while. I kind of feel like a bird in the hand… on the other hand, I’m more successful dating when I’m confident.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

43 Answers

tifa's avatar

i’d say exercies just for the sake of your health, but yes the confidence can also do wonders.
Good Luck ^_~

janbb's avatar

Met online or have they seen you in person?

Response moderated (Spam)
Cruiser's avatar

These men have asked you out because of how you look now….not a week or two from now! I bet all that attention will make you feel amazing and want to go out more often! You are who you are and they do not seem to have an issue with how you look and neither should you! Wear your smile of yours like it was a million dollar Tiara!

kevbo's avatar

Every woman should have a little extra, IMHO.

Pandora's avatar

Yes you should. Maybe try meeting this guy
He needs to meet a nice girl. :D

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
JLeslie's avatar

Don’t wait. It’s easier to lose weight when you are dating someone new and exciting anyway. If they asked you out it is because they want to go out with you. Not you 5 pounds thinner in two weeks.

kevbo's avatar

“That’s not fat, baby. It’s flavor.”

lillycoyote's avatar

I think @noelleptc said it all and I enthusiastically second it:

If they like you then what the hell are you waiting for? Go, girl. Get out there :)

God forbid we women should ever go out with men who actually like us for who we are!!

norah's avatar

These are all people I’ve met online, so none of them have actually seen me yet, but I gave an accurate description without revealing all.

Coloma's avatar

Great advice so far, and yes sweetheart…don’t ever wait for life to be perfect to start living!

Carpe dates!

Do you know how many people die without ever really living because things and conditions were not ‘perfect’ yet?

You are who you are right now, and it is more than ‘good enough, it’s perfect because it is what it is, and what is has to be perfect or you waste a lot of life energy arguing with reality! lol

Weight comes, weight goes, bodies change, the flesh is weak, but a good heart and character are what counts in the end.

Your dance cards full…! ;-)

JLeslie's avatar

How much weight are we talking? How much do you want to lose?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Since you said you met them online then I’m sure they know they’re taking a chance you aren’t “picture perfect”. A few pounds is different in everyone’s eyes and on everyone’s body. 10lbs on my frame is the difference between looking slim and looking chubby while 10lbs on my sister is inperceptible.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I agree with @JLeslie, this depends greatly on how much weight you’re talking about. Not that I don’t think you should just wing it and go anyhow, but if you’re talking about a significant amount of weight, I would be concerned with how well you handle rejection.
I’m sure that many guys wouldn’t care at all, that your personality would be the focus of the evening, and would even find you perfectly lovely just as you are right now.
But there are always people out there that just don’t find the extra weight appealing, and it is a deal breaker, and the potential for rejection based on your looks is truly possible. If it really is a significant difference from what they’re expecting, they may feel like they’ve been deceived and that might drop the filter which makes their response a little more polite.

Sorry to be the debbie downer, here, just being honest.

JLeslie's avatar

Well, I am not sure my intent came through with my question. I will assume you are in America, and we are talking American sizes and that you are average height, 5’5”, so of course any of these assumptions could be wrong. If you are size 6 or smaller right now, I think losing a little weight won’t matter to the guy and how he perceives you in terms of thin or not, you are thin. I understand you will feel better psychologically to diet a little, but I am trying to go from an objective standpoint of how people will perceive your weight. If you are between an 8 and 12, losing 5 or 6 pounds could make a significant difference in my opinion. If you are 14 or over, I think the 5 or 6 pounds wont make a significant difference, similar to the size 6 and under. I am talking totally superficially, and subjectively of course. If you are much shorter or taller than 5’ 5” my numbers don’t work.

You can easily make a date for a week from this weekend, give yourself almost two weeks to lose a couple of pounds, but the date making will feel more like you are just pushing it off for one week, because it is a week from Friday for example, and middle of next week buy a new outfit that you feel slim in.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Oh! @JLeslie, yes, sorry, I did kind of word that as if you said what I did. Didn’t meant to do that.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

This time I am agreeing with what @JLeslie actually said.

Depending on what size you are right now, a few pounds in a week or two may or may not make much of a difference on your frame. However, if the real issue is your confidence.. why not postpone? If you think a few pounds lost will make you feel like a million bucks, go for it.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Your worth as a person will not be increased by either exercise or weigh loss.
If any man would not appreciate you the way you look now, he won’t get any better when you are slimmer and more fit!

Go ahead and date with confidence that you have all the features and worthy man could want.

Who needs shallow jerks anyhow?

Coloma's avatar


Well said!

This obsession with womens weight, so unhealthy.

chyna's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence and @Coloma So true! No one cares how much a guy weighs unless he is grossly obese. Why does women’s weight matter so much?

JLeslie's avatar

@chyna Because that is just how it is. Not for everyone of course, but for a lot of men it matters.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Although I AGREE with what @Dr_Lawrence and @Coloma are saying.. I am still worried that if she is failing to disclose a significantly different figure than what these men are expecting, there is a chance they may be less than polite in their rejection. Unfortunate as that may be, it has huge potential to be true.

Weight is one thing, but we all judge a book by its cover to some degree. We want to like what we see when we’re dating someone.

JLeslie's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie What do you mean less than polite? That would not occur to me.

ZAGWRITER's avatar

I can attest to women caring how much a guy weighs (both sexes can be too superficial at times, yes?). At any rate, you should go for it! No use sitting at home and punishing yourself with alone time, if that’s not what you really want.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@JLeslie I wouldn’t assume anything dramatic, but I would think maybe they would not call again, or block the messages online. I am not a skinny girl or anything and I am far from obese, but years ago I had a guy that I met off of the internet tell me he “thought I would be thinner.” and then never spoke to me again. And I had not been deceptive, didn’t really see a need to be.
Something like that comes to mind. Dating off of the internet is a little bit different than asking someone out that you’ve bumped into at the store or a bar. You have expectations for what a person will look like, and descriptions and photos rarely capture exactly what an animated living human being actually looks like.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

For the past decade I’ve worked with teams of mostly men, daily interactions with up to 100 men and I’ve learned some stuff! What they say with their lips to a woman can be soooo different than what they say to their buddies. The number one point of snark seems to be a woman’s weight/body shape then her general attractiveness (face, hair, neatness of dress, etc.).

gorillapaws's avatar

@Neizvestnaya bear in mind it doesn’t go over well with the guys if you say to your buddy: ”[girl’s name] has such beautiful hair, it reflects the light well without being too shiny and it has just the nicest texture…”

Even if you actually thought that, it would be very weird to say to another guy. ”[girl’s name] has nice tits” is much more socially acceptable in a “man conversation.”

As far as the OP’s question it comes down to whether she mislead the guys or not. If she’s honest with them and they’re interested in dating her, then she should absolutely go for it. If she mislead them, then she’s manipulative and deceitful—which isn’t very cool.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@gorillapaws: I agree but the number of people who tell her to go on ahead and not worry about her appearance because it’s her personality that’s going to shine, that gets to me. All day long the guys walk around showing each other their cellys with pics of girls they meet, all of them dissecting every little detail and being especially rough when relating the stories of women met online or set up through friends who they thought totally led them on in the looks dept.

Coloma's avatar

Being deceptive is not cool, but being afraid to go out because of some extra weight is just sad.


I agree that physical attraction is important, to a degree, but…these guys breaking down a woman into body parts, well…not acceptable. Too many porn flicks and lap dances and narcissism are these dudes problems.

Mature ‘men’ don’t dissect women, they see the totality of the person even if they are not a match.

Shallow character flawed narcissists are the problem not an extra 20 lbs.

gorillapaws's avatar

@Coloma there’s a cultural expectation to objectify women among males in a group. Many men who objectify women when in front of their guy friends will privately have very different values of women, especially those he loves.

It’s like how it’s not cool for women to fart, until you start dating one for a while, and then you find out the truth.

JLeslie's avatar

I remember a little quiz going around when I was in my 20’s. Face or body? Basically asking men which matters more to them. As I recall the majority of men cared more about body than a pretty face. However, I do agree that excessive porn and lap dances ruin men.

ZAGWRITER's avatar

Yea, and romance novels, soap operas and whatever celebrity is the flavor du jour telling everyone what guy is hot or what is hot in a guy doesn’t “ruin” women? It works both ways, in more than the ways mentioned. I found this out from my few months in between marriages and my experience in college, heh.

Coloma's avatar

I don’t call that acceptable male behavior, I call it being a chameleon, two faced, duplicitious, a wolf in sheeps clothing and immature.

‘Cultural expectation’ gimme a break, just an excuse for double standards and double talk.

You’re not speaking of healthy, mature, relatively enlightened men, you’re speaking of sheep. Big dif, from the baaaaaaad boys. lol

gorillapaws's avatar

@Coloma do you fart in front of boys on a first date? or are you just a sheep too?

norah's avatar

Thanks for all the thoughts about this. I want to clarify that a. I gave an accurate description of myself and b. I’m 5’9” and talking about 10 lbs, 15 max.

I did go ahead and go out. We had a very nice time. I wasn’t sure what he thought, but I wasn’t sure what I thought of him, but he didn’t seem disappointed. Maybe I’ll ask him just to get a sense of it…

Definitely worth going out though. I’m in SF and the Giants won! I think I’m just going to go for it…

Coloma's avatar


Uh, ya lost me.

What’s your point?

gorillapaws's avatar

@norah if you’re being honest and the guy is shallow, than he’s clearly not worth the energy. Just be yourself and let the chips fall as they may. It sounds like things went ok, just trust yourself and you’ll be fine.

@Coloma point is you’re being hypocritical if you’re judging men for being two-faced because they live up to male gender stereotypes, and yet participate in perpetuating female stereotypes.

Coloma's avatar


And what female stereotypes do you perceive I am promoting?

Good character in either gender denotes respect, I don’t condone making excuses for crappy behavior based on cultural and gender stereotyping.

We no longer stereotype gays as flamboyant overly emotive men in drag, why should we still allow heterosexual men to behave piggishly under the cloak of culture and gender?

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Let’s stick to the topic at hand, please.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I think you should split the difference. Start the diet and weight loss program, and be upfront that you are starting a fitness program. Suggest as a date meeting to walk. Lots of guys are interested in women who are interested in fitness and in bettering themselves. These are far better guys to date than those interested in a “thin” girlfriend. Continuous improvement is an attractive quality.

sanchezjk's avatar

I agree with BarnacleBill on this one. Split it up. Do both at the same time as long as it doesn’t just absolutely tire you out.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther