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miserable's avatar

I'm having a big fight with my parents. What should I do?

Asked by miserable (16points) February 1st, 2013

It’s gonna be long, but I really need advices on these.
1. One day my mom cleaned my studying table because she thinks that it’s a sore eye for her to see such a mess. I was so angry at her because she made it hard for me to find my things. In calm situations, we also have previously had an agreement that she wouldn’t touch my things. So, I shouted at her for moving my things and we had an argument. She insisted that she didn’t do anything wrong and she didn’t move anything. My father watched the whole thing and believed my mother’s story. Both of them shouted at me and called me Bas***r*, B*t**.
2. I was furious, and had this habit of writing my feelings down to calm myself. One day my sister found it out and told my mom all curses and bad names that I use to call them when I’m angry. At the same day, when both of them weren’t at the house, my father accidentally dropped all my things on the table while trying to get something. I was startled and asked ‘what are you doing’. He instead SHOUTED at me to put all MY things back and argued that he didn’t do anything, may be the ghost made it fall down. I asked, ‘did you see a ghost?’. He slapped me a couple of times, cursing me ungrateful kid and said that he would kill me. I cried and went to sleep.
3. My mother, who found it out later told me to sit with her and said that I was a very impolite and asked me to apologize to him by kneeling in front of him. She said that these days I’ve been very impolite to her because I often shouted at her and him in frustration. She began to complain that she was so tired in doing all of the housework and laundries, and how i never helped and her and instead studying hard in school to become a top student, she also complained on how my father has sacrificed all that he had to work as building laborer. she said that they as parents are the one who fed me and gave living, and could kill me if they want. if i don’t apologize, she said that they would not let me go to school. I felt miserable because they both never practiced what they preached and never praised me when i get top score at school. They never support me to study as hard as i could. Long time ago, when I wanted to give up on something, they just let me give up. They aren’t there when I need an objective advice. they laughed at my dream to study at a top university in Japan. We are a family of poor economy. we seldom talked about our feelings deep inside and actually had a poor communication. What should I do? Am I the b*tc*?

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14 Answers

njnyjobs's avatar

While still under the care of your parents, you should make every effort to abide by their rules…especially if all they’re doing are for your well-being. Make amends with your parents, apologize and try to conform.

pleiades's avatar

Never let family hold you back. Follow your dreams. But follow their rules while you are enrolled in grade school.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Aside from the strong emotion that you’ve been feeling lately, and which prompted this question, what you’re going through is not too uncommon among young people of your age. This is probably compounded by the fact that your parents, who have not had your educational opportunities, have to work hard to keep the family going. As a laborer, your father doesn’t make much money, and I’m guessing – if she even works for a salary – your mother doesn’t make much either. (And if she doesn’t work for a salary then she has to keep the family fed on what your father earns.)

So there may be some envy on their part – which is not uncommon between parents and children who have expectations of a better life.

And younger sisters can be hell to live with. I lived with three, and I know how tough that can be.

You are also under some pressure, which may not be evident to your parents (just as they probably try to hid some of their struggle and some of their concerns from you).

All of this can manifest in flashes of temper, strong words, raised voices and hurt feelings.

If you understand that, then you can try to increase your patience in dealing with your parents, and try to relieve some of their burden when it’s appropriate and you can do that.

Surely your parents aren’t going to kill you, and surely, too, you aren’t going to run away or forget them when you have completed your studies and gone on to your great life – which is an expectation that you should keep. (I’m sure that your parents do expect great things of you in your school and career, but they may also be afraid of being left behind. I’m sure that they’re also concerned about how to help you achieve your dreams without bankrupting the family or leaving you with huge debt.)

Your sister may be a great friend to you someday, hard as that may be to believe right now. My middle sister is one of the dearest people in the world to me now, but it took a long time to get here.

My advice is:
1. Talk to your parents about how important your school work is to you, and see if you can work out a place that you can call yours that is out of the way, doesn’t take up too much living space, and where you can commit to school work.

2. Let them know the positive ways that you can help “right now” in day-to-day living. Helping with meal preparation and cleanup? Laundry? Housework? Whatever you can do will help your parents.

3. Keep your diary hid much better from your younger sister. (And try to write positive things! If you focus only on “what is wrong”, then that’s all you’ll see. Life can be pretty good if you notice that.)

Judi's avatar

Do you still live in Japan? It might be hard for some of us to give appropriate advice when we don’t know the rules of your culture. In America, threatening to kill your child and slapping them would be considered abuse and I would suggest you consult a school counselor.
I don’t know what the ramifications of that would be in your culture. I would hate to give you advice that would only make your situation worse. How old are you?

tinyfaery's avatar

Culture to hell. You are being abused. Tell an adult at school.

augustlan's avatar

In America, slapping a child (how old are you?), threatening to kill a child, and calling a child a bitch would be unacceptable. Aside from that part, it sounds like you’re going through a very common kind of rough time that many teenagers experience with their parents. A time when you are growing up, but are not yet grown. Parents who still treat you as a child, when you consider yourself nearly an adult.

Remember that this time will pass, and in the meantime try to keep tempers from flaring (yours and your parents’). Someday in the not-too-distant future, you will be an adult and will make your own decisions about the life you want to have. Until then, your parents will play a much bigger role than you will be entirely comfortable with. Just hang in there!

miserable's avatar

i’m 15, i live in indonesia. actually i love them and always be grateful to have parents like them who always work hard and sacrifice all they have to give to my sister and me, it’s just that i don’t know how to react to them and show them that i love them. most of the time i was absorbed with so many school works and they are absorbed with their stuffs. my only motivation to be top student in school was the will to give them a rich and happy life after becoming successful. my mother said that she thought i was a very mature child, and so does not really care for me or pay attention to me. she said she was really disappointed after seeing my behaviour. i felt that i was wrong on some things but i also felt that they are wrong. they never apologize if they do something wrong.

Judi's avatar

@tinyfaery , talking to a teacher who has no power to help her could make things worse. If her parents feel that she embarrass them publicly and if child abuse is condoned in her country then it could get worse. Not every country has laws to protect children from their parents.
@miserable I know 3 years sounds like a long time, but soon you will be 18. I hope you get t go to the college you dream of. If you have a teacher that you really trust you might want to talk to her for advice. Here in American hey HAVE TO report child abuse to the authorities. That is probably not the case there. Please stick around and let s know how you’re doing. Your written English is pretty good and this place can help it get better. :-)

Unbroken's avatar

@miserable Welcome to fluther. I hope you stay and that your name becomes more ironic then appropriate reflection of you.

You may now feel miserable as “Sorrow comes in great waves… but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that is it is strong we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain.” Henry James

I feel @Judi and @CWOTUS have good advice on this matter.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Shippy's avatar

Parents are human and make mistakes. You were right to feel angry about your things being touched and moved about. But how we feel and how we act on it, are two different things.

Always remember you are entitled to your feelings. There is no right or wrong in a feeling.

How about you tell them you are sorry for any rudeness, but it made you feel…......... fill in the blank, when they move your stuff about.

JLeslie's avatar

I agree with @Judi the cultural difference will make it difficult for many of us to know what to advise. I would assume Indonesia is even worse on these matters than Japan, so going to the authorities might not work and could make things worse. Are there laws to protect children from this type of treatment in your country? Try to keep your mind on your goal. Study hard and pursue getting information on what you need to get accepted to the university you want to go to. You just need to get through the next few years and you are free to pursue your dreams and be more independent.

Some advise for what happened when they fixed up your desk, the next time something similar happens try to ask your mom politely if she happens to know where your pencils, papers, whatever it is you are looking for, are. Asking for her help, rather than accusing her of changing your desk will make her less defensive and she might help you find it rather than be angry with you for being disobedient. If she did move things she might come right out and say where she put it.

My mom told me when I was in 6th grade, don’t write anything down you don’t want others to read. She told me that when I wanted to buy a diary. I hate to discourage you from writing, but while in your parent’s home, I don’t think any of your personal things are definitely personal. Be careful. This is true at school to. Probably at any moment a teacher can look over your shoulder at what you are writing or insist on seeing what you have written.

marinelife's avatar

It does sound one sided. But you have not helped your case by writing down your feelings and leaving them in a place where they could be found.

Shouting and name calling is no way to get your way. If you could wait until you calm down and then express your preferences calmly you would get better results.

You know how smart you are and you value your dreams so until and if your parents ever get it, you need to look for support elsewhere. Maybe a guidance counselor at school or a favorite teacher?

To make your time at home bearable until you can leave for university, you need to apologize and try to be on the surface more biddable.

Just give lip service to your parents demands and go forward with your plans in secret. Also if you write anything down about how you really feel, hide it better!

susanc's avatar

The challenge is to honor your feelings, be truthful with yourself about what they are, know yourself, and at the same time control your behavior.
You can tell us how angry you are and we will listen and tell you our own stories. But it looks like you cannot tell your parents you are angry with them because, as hard as you work to do well in live, they work just as hard, and everyone is tired and everyone is hurt when they are criticized.
So try to be gentle. Your parents might then relax too.
I was interested to see that what you do is called “work” and what they do is called “stuff”. Hmm.

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