How do I tone down my insane jealousy?

it would really be helpful for you if you had other things to focus on in your life besides your boyfriend. I understand how much of a problem this is to you and you have discussed it here before but I think if you can enrich your life with other people and activities you won’t be so obsessive and jealous.

Remind yourself that there is nothing you can do to stop another person from doing what they want. You can only control yourself.

Let me start of by saying that you are not alone. I have been with my wife for 20 yrs. in the early yrs. my thoughts would race. I thought about my dad cheating. I thought about my friends getting cheated on. I thought about all the shows that showed people cheating. The human psyche is very profound. I started turning regular everyday things into issues.

” it only takes a half an hour to get home from work….why did it take yo 45 minutes”-me.

In my opinion, when you love someone you get jealous by default. So you being jealous does not make you bad…so do not feel bad. How you react to this feeling can be bad. You really have to ask yourself ” why am I jealous?”. For me it was the examples I gave above, all of which had nothing to do with my wife. You might have issues not pertaining to your significant other. If this is true i suggest you talk these issues out with them. If the issues are a result of your s/o then you need to assess the the situation and go from there.

I would find a good therapist. Do you have any guesses as to why you are so jealous?

You seem to have serious misery will all the parts of your life…job, work colleagues, boy friend, even the fear of opening the door to someone to hand her some keys. Shouldn’t you be trying to unbraid all these issues with your therapist rather than attempting, unsuccessfully, to cope with the bits and pieces?

Insane jealously, intense anxiety, nausea…these are powerful manifestations.

I hope that venting to the collective makes you feel a little better but I doubt this wiill be of any permanent help.

I think I told you before, that I used to be SUPER jealous. The only thing that helped me was to understand that I’m okay with or without this person in my life. You will survive if he ever left and vice versa.

A relationship is supposed to be two healthy people forming a partnership.
Just realize that if you don’t take control of this, it may put too much pressure on him to keep you ‘happy’ and the jealousy may end up causing him to leave you.

Anytime you feel jealous, just look in the mirror and say “He is an adult, he’s allowed to have female friends and I am a woman who knows her own value and I refuse to allow my insecurity to affect my love for this man.”

If you have physical symptoms and these thoughts consume you, I would recommend you see a psychiatrist, if you are not doing so already. If you are, perhaps you should discuss your anxiety with him and perhaps make an adjustment to your medications.

My question would be does your SO do things or doesn’t do things that make you feel insecure about your relationship? If he does, that is worth addressing. If your trusted him I don’t think you would be so jealous.

Some good answers here.
I’m right there with you in the jealousy boat, so I really don’t have much to add, other than that with a lot of love and understanding from your s/o, it eases up over time.

Honestly, I had the same insane jealousy period hit me 8 or so years ago. The weird thing was that we were in such a good place together and then BOOM I became a raving lunatic about her previous lovers; how other woman and guys looked at her; how she dressed; where she went…the list seemed endless. Then I talked with a friend who was a councilor and she told me that sometimes the best way to let go of feelings like this was to actually embrace them. In other words, instead of believing Jenn was dressing too provocatively to attract attention from others I had to embrace, or begin to enjoy how she dressed. I would compliment her rather than rag on her. Same with old lovers. If their names came up I wouldn’t get upset, rather I would try to listen to what Jenn was saying and began to understand that these people meant nothing to her but were part of her because of their history together. The weirdest thing I embraced was when women or guys would hit on her at a party, instead of giving Jenn grief about it I started to use it as role play and arousal. So if some red-head with perky boobs hit on her that night I would pretend to be her and hit on Jenn and tell her all of the things I would do to her. It’s worked for me. I am no longer that jealous person, and in fact have become a little more than interested in her old lovers and what they were like. Good luck! It takes work but it can be done.

It sounds as if the jealousy described by the OP is more than just typical intense jealousy. She describes physical symptoms and breakdowns, which seem like something that might be best addressed medically.

PM for you @Headhurts.

I can empathise with you. I am a very jealous person and I spend much of my time trying to conceal it. I also experience anxiety which leads to panic attacks and chest pains… I think some of the advice above, such as reminding yourself that you can only control yourself, and that jealousy only damages you, helps me to cope. Try to remind yourself that you are fabulous. It sounds cheesy, but if you keep at it, eventually it will sink in.

Could it be that you are suffering from a form of OCD?
There are medications to help with that if you are.

Pathological jealously can ruin your life and relationships. See a therapist and work on this before you do irreparable to others or your relationships. There may even be an underlying psychiatric disorder which could be helped with medication.

Don’t be afraid to obtain to professional help that may greatly improve your life.

That jealousy is pretty typical with BPD. You’ve mentioned before that you’ve been diagnosed with it. You may get some help with antianxiety meds and heavy duty counselling. It is a good thing that you know that it’s irrational jealousy. It will be easier for treatment to work since you are already aware that there is little to no basis for the jealousy. Many people with BPD have no such self awareness and therefore can’t be treated for it. So there is hope.

The first step towards controlling your jealousy is gaining a sense of self. You should try to build on your natural attributes that make you who you really are. You must have some awesome assets to fully understand that jealousy is interrupting your life and deep loyalties to be in such a committed relationship. Journal your best attributes, expand on them in your journal. Reflect back to your journal on what you think of your best qualities every time jealousy rears its ugly head! When you start believing in yourself the jealousy will diminish…

@jnogood74 I am quite like that, he normally gets home for 5.25, any later and all sorts go through my head.
@JLeslie The only thing he does that doesn’t help me is still be in contact with his ex. Nothing else.

Thank you for ALL your comments. I appreciate them all. For those that don’t know, I have BPD and morbid jealousy is a co occurring illness to this. I do have a therapist, a new one actually. We work at one thing at a time. I have to do a lot of checking to help my mind. We are currently working for me to at least tone down this process. The things I have to check are degrading and horrible.

The reason for my jealousy this time is that they are advertising for a new post where he works. I know, that’s all right? I wish it was. I’ve imagined all kinds and until I find out who it is, I cannot rest. If it is some young attractive girl, well, I can’t, I just can’t deal with that. Him looking at her, talking to her, flirting with her, wanting her, thinking of her when he’s with me, horrible.

I think it’s cool that you are self aware in this. I have met SO many people with BPD that have zero awareness that they have irrational jealousy or some of the other interpersonal problems that come with the disorder. I think it’s really cool that part of you can be rational about the whole thing.

My husband, who is a therapist who has many BPD clients told me that it would still be really hard to get over it, but the self awareness WILL help quite a bit. Unfortunately, one of the reasons morbid jealousy happens with BPD, is your brain is constantly trying to create conflict between yourself and others. You’re constantly pulling people into you and yet pushing them away at the same time. Morbid jealousy is the perfect way for your brain to stir up drama and create the “push away/pull into” cycle in a romantic relationship. In some way, your mind is craving the emotional highs and lows created by this dynamic.

I have no idea if it would work for BPD, but I wonder if going a cognitive behavioral route would work. There is a workbook called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook that helps you learn how to recognize irrational thoughts and talk yourself out of them. I have NOT asked my husband if this book would work for BPD, but it works for OCD and other disorders that have high anxiety and irrational thoughts linked to them. I used the book myself for OCD and social anxiety disorder and it changed my life.

@keobooks i did used to be quite ignorant to it all, until my doctor made me look it up and apart from being murderous, it is all exactly how I am. My therapist says I check things because either way, my mind will create drama. Whether I find something or not, there will always be a reason for it, a bad reason. Each day I have a cycle of checking. I am not relieved if I don’t find anything. Your reply makes so much sense, thank you.

I’m sorry you suffer with this. It must be very difficult. I have been through jealous times, well not exactly jealous, but suspecting I was being lied to and cheated on. To be in a fairly constant state of that is tremendously difficult I’m sure.

@JLeslie It is. I am forever playing out different scenarios in my head.

I think @Judi had a good idea to maybe try medications for obsessing.

I take medication already

@Headhurts: I suggested you should talk to the doctor about your feelings and possibly changing your meds. Yes, you take meds but they’re obviously not effective.

@jca Compared to how I am without them, I would say they are pretty effective. How I am now is very mild in comparison, unfortunately. I’m pretty crazy and unpredictable without them.

@Headhurts: Don’t compare yourself to the worst – compare yourself to the best. I’m sure they could be tweaked to help you control your emotions better.

I work with folks with MI in a residential setting and while medication is critical to restore the chemical balance in the brain, they are not perfect and cannot be effective without some type of cognitive therapy. Behavioral support plans are excellent in helping you identify your own qualities as a person, wife or companion. I’ve seen jealousy tendencies in younger adults quite often, and most times, jealousy is the result of lack of self-esteem. Having BPD adds another layer to the problem, but still you need to come to understand your assets along with your deficits. Seems like you’re concentrating on your deficits more than your attributes. Remember that you are a creative being that can come up with more adaptive ways of thinking instead of only identifying your maladaptive behavior.

I agree with @jca that your current meds (although better than without) are not very effective. You and your doctor need to be proactive. That might mean that you need to try several different meds before you find the right combo. You should PM @Hawaii_Jake, he has discussed on Fluther before about his quest to find the right combo of meds for his particular situation (which is different than your situation, but he had to try many different meds before he found the best ones for his situation).

I also believe that you don’t come completely clean with your doctor/therapist or boyfriend about how serious your problems are. Unless you really tell them how things are, they cannot help you, and you will just continue to muddle along in misery. You’ve said that your boyfriend knows that you suffer with a mental illness, but you have also admitted that he does not know the extent of it. When you hide the severity of your mental illness with your boyfriend, he can’t help you and you will drive yourself to an early grave if you don’t get yourself some better help.

I know you said you have a new therapist, but maybe this one isn’t the right one for you. Often people have to try out different therapists and doctors until they get a good match, but part of your problem seems to be that you are unwilling to tell the whole truth to your doctors and therapists. You can’t fix your problems until the people who are enlisted to help you get the whole ugly story, warts and all. You have to be proactive.

Part of being proactive means doing your own research, looking into treatments about your various conditions, rather than just wallowing in your misery.

Part of being proactive means making a list of the things that you need to do, in order. And I don’t mean making up lists about how awful you think you are. On another post, I said the same thing and you misunderstood what I meant. Don’t make lists about how awful you think you are. Make lists of things that you need to do to fix your problems.

Example:

1. Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him exactly what your situation is and how extreme it is. This is very important, even if you don’t want to do it. He needs to know, or else he can’t help you. You need to tell him exactly what your mental condition is, with the morbid jealousy, the BPD, the OCD, everything. Then you need to tell him what kind of meds and therapy you’ve been receiving, be very specific. Then tell him that you and he need to go into some short term couples therapy, because you have a couples problem, in addition to everything else that is going on. Couples therapy is not always for people who have a problem with their relationship, per se, but it is also to help couples to understand about each other, in a more realistic way, and to come up with ways of dealing with each other that make the relationship stronger. If you don’t do this, or if he is unwilling to do this with you, your relationship will simply continue to muddle away in misery. If he is unwilling to do this with you, it is a sign that he doesn’t value the relationship very much. Right now, I think he has no idea of the extent of your problem, because you have been trying to hide the situation, or to make it seem like it’s not as bad as it is. That isn’t fair to him, and isn’t useful for you.

2. You need to be very honest with your doctors and therapists about how severe your problems are. Give them a very detailed description about how you feel, how you react on a day to day basis, what things set you off (your triggers) how your meds are helping or not helping. Be proactive, ask lots of questions, find out if there are other therapies or meds that might work better for you. Find out if you can go on some type of temporary or permanent disability, because the way you sound now, and the fact that you have described yourself as having problems with your family, your co-workers, other people in general, it seems like you should be in some very intense treatment, rather than being at work, at a job that you hate, with people that you don’t like, because that’s not fair to them, and it’s not useful for you.

3. Go online, or to the library or to your doctors therapist, and learn all you can about the therapies and meds and treatments that are available to you. If you don’t do that, you’ll simply be back here on Fluther muddling in misery, and everything will stay the same or get worse. That’s not helpful to you, and the collective can’t simply keep repeating themselves over and over, although, so far, that’s exactly what we’ve been doing, and you seem to not take any of the useful advice. I notice that you tend to get angry, at people like me, who really have taken the time to read all of your posts, and dig a little deeper and have done a lot of research on your behalf, and have given you links to all sorts of useful information, or you purposely focus on something very small, or your purposely “misinterpret” what has been said. And then you are all sweet and thankful when someone who hasn’t read all of your posts or may not know about your past problems comes on here and gives a trite little answer, like “Take a deep breath and walk around the block.” You always say, “Thank you very much, that was so very helpful” but then you’re back on here a week later, with all of the misery and angst and you haven’t followed any of the real advice that may actually be able to help you. I realize that you are in agony. I’ve spent hours on here trying to get you to see how you can help yourself. I don’t take this lightly. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, even though I see that your feelings are hurt easily. Me and some of the others are truly trying to help you, but you have to be willing to take some big, scary steps, to help yourself.

4. You need to write a letter (no texts, no phone calls) to your mother and explain to her exactly how ill you are, be very specific. Discuss the suicide attempt, why you did it, and how you felt about her reaction after the fact. I believe that your mother also has some mental issues, which is part of why she hasn’t treated you kindly or in a traditionally motherly manner over the course of your life. I am so sorry for you about that, but you need to accept that she may be unable, due to her own issues, to be a proper mother to you. She probably needs to see a therapist and be on meds to, but that is a whole other situation, one that you shouldn’t be responsible for. But you need to let her know exactly how you are going to deal with her from here on out. You decide if you want to ever see or talk to her again, and if you do want contact, you need to spell it out exactly how you want that contact to be. You also need to kindly explain that you will not be bullied into buying presents for her relatives that you have little or no relationship with. You can decide if you want to send them only a card, or nothing at all. You could even make it a little easier for you if you write in the card, that since you are all adults and money is tight, and you don’t really have much of a relationship, that you think it would be in everybody’s best interest just to do cards from now on. If you want to make a real relationship with those folks, then that is up to you, but you will have to initiate and nurture that. You are not obligated to them, and certainly not to your mother.

5. Have another talk with your boyfriend about the potential, upcoming move to another county. Do you both really want to move? Is he just moving there for his job? Do you want to move to get away from everything that is currently in your town where you live now (co-workers, your mother, your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends)? Is there something positive in the new county that is leading you to move there, or is that place just random? Would you rather stay where you are? If so, is your boyfriend willing to stay put too? If you move or stay put, are you in a good place to get good medical help? That should be a very high priority for you. If your boyfriend wants to move and you do not really want to go, would you be willing to break off the relationship with him? If you really do want to move, have you already found a place to live? Have you looked into possible job situations (or going on disability) in the new place? Is there a time frame for the move? What do you need to do to get ready to move (sub let your flat, pack, get rid of stuff you don’t need, change any kind of legal forms, find a new doctor or therapist, find a new flat to live in etc.) ?

At this point in your life, a lot of things need to change, but you need to be willing to take the steps needed to make real, lasting changes. Take a walk around the block and take a deep breath, but when you get back, do everything else that you need to do to help yourself. You can start by looking at this link about How to Get Help for Mental Illness

@Kardamom Wow, thanks for taking the time to write all this.
We aren’t moving for his job. He wants to retire. He does want to move more than I do, but that is because I am afraid of change. I would love to live by the sea, and yes, being away from here would be a bonus. I’m sure his ex will still be in contact though. When we are ready to put the house on the market then we will go down to cornwall and look for something. We are going to rent until we are settled down there and then buy. I will get a job, part time. I think I am mentally worse if I don’t work, but I don’t think I am capable of full time work.
I have a new therapist, as in, only been with him a few week. It seems to be going ok. We are working on one thing at a time, instead of the whole problem. He has let me prioritise.
As for my mother, I’m not sure anything is a good idea. I did try telling her a few week ago, and she was horrible, so I told her to forget it. I think, for now, it is best that we have a very minimal relationship. Right now, all she has to do is say hello and I’m annoyed with her. She is incredibly aggressive towards me at the minute ( not sure if you saw my other post about it). I can’t cope with her right now.

His ex really needs to disappear.

@Headhurts Yeah, that’s why I thought it might be best to write her a letter, rather than speaking to her on the phone or in person or by text, telling her everything you need to tell her. That way, you don’t need to talk to her or get yelled at or hung up on, but she will still finally be told everything that she needs to know about you, and she won’t be able to say that she didn’t know. Also, you will be making the decision about how to (or how not to) interact with her.

If Cornwall is anything like how it is portrayed on Doc Martin, then just being There should be a bit of a tonic for you.

Is your boyfriend old enough to retire comfortably, financially?

@Kardamom I couldn’t view that link. He is 47, and he thinks he can retire next year, and the. when we move, he said he will get a little basic job for spending money. I know I can’t. He deals with all the money, so I have to trust his judgement.

@Katniss Yes she does, I wish she would.

Here’s a different, but equally gorgeous Picture of Port Isaac in Cornwall can you see this one?

Yes I can. Beautiful picture, thank you.

A borderline deficiency of B vitamins can interfere with your ability to control your thoughts. B vitamins all relate to managing energy, and symptoms of deficiencies are mostly psychological. It’s cheap and easy to test: get B-100 pills and see if you feel better. Vitamin B2 is a water soluble dye that turns urine bright yellow. When the color fades, it’s time for another pill. Read some books about nutrition so you know how to eat right.

Acting classes might help you to learn new habits after you have improved your self control.