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Kay_Cee83's avatar

Should I give my Ex-Best Friend a Chance?

Asked by Kay_Cee83 (17points) June 8th, 2014

Hello all.

I really need some advice. I’ll start from the beginning, my ex best friend and I have been friends for almost 6 years. She’s a very high strung person, but generally we got along very well until I got a boyfriend. My boyfriend goes to the same school as her, so they’re friends as well. I actually met my boyfriend through her because she said he was a nice guy, so me and my bf were friends forever until he asked me to be his gf.

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I announced to her that me and Jason(boyfriend) are together. Her reaction wasn’t exactly welcoming. At first she was like she already knew we were together. Meanwhile we just decided about an hour ago to become a couple prior to talking to her. And then she was like,“I know how this is going to end, but I wish you well.”

I told her that was very rude, and then she got mad saying im being rude for not accepting her honest opinion, that she doesn’t want to hear anything about my boyfriend and I’s relationship, and that she’s always right about predicting relationships,etc.

I was like whatever after that, and then the next day she posted on Facebook a song about a friend she wished well and didmt want to be friends with anymore. I put two and two together and it was obviously about me. She then deleted me and my boyfriend off of Facebook and told my boyfriend I was mad at her. Meanwhile, she’s the one that deleted me.

I texted her and was like stop lying to my boyfriend. She wrote back telling me again she wished me well but she doesn’t want to hear from me ever again.

A week later from that text she send me a message via facebook saying she wanted to talk face to face, but she never apologize. She sent a similar message to my bf but apologize to him.

I’m sorry for the long text, but this has been on my mind for days. I just don’t know if I want such toxic behavior around my relationship or around me for that matter

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16 Answers

GloPro's avatar

Let her go. You don’t even go to the same school and when you get to college you will make so many strong lifelong friends. Elevate what you tolerate.
Don’t stress about someone that drags you down over something that is none of their business, quite frankly.

And welcome to Fluther!

Coloma's avatar

Yep, take it from us older women, you don’t need the stress of an emotionally immature and nasty “friend.”

Judi's avatar

I think she likes your boyfriend and is jealous.

livelaughlove21's avatar

In a few years, you’ll laugh at yourself for caring about this high school drama bullshit. Just move on.

And, regardless of age, you’ll find that women don’t need an excuse to be bitches. It comes naturally to many of us.

Unbroken's avatar

Generally I agree with above post.

Though maybe her behavior stemmed from an interest of her own, maybe there was a flirtation or she was fooling round with him but keeping it quiet.

Or maybe it was just an unreturned interest.

In that light, is he worth the friendship? Given the fact that in a five years you may not be friends or in contact with either. but if high strung means you always have to be single at least if she is then…. Id say dont bother.

AshlynM's avatar

I would forget about her. No one needs a friend like that. If she were truly your friend, she wouldn’t have dismissed you.

marinelife's avatar

Let some time pass. Number 1: I think your friend may like your boyfriend (In which case her opinion about the future of your relationship is not exactly without prejudice0.

Number 2: If number 1 is true, you should just let some time pass before approaching her again. When you do approach her, tell her what you want: an apology for her behavior.

You may find that you miss her friendship. Five years is a lot to throw away.

DWW25921's avatar

Do what you know will make you happier in the end. Hanging on to people that add stress to your life is not conducive with happiness.

Kay_Cee83's avatar

Thank you all for your responses. I really do appreciate it. These past 5 years being friends with my best friend has been great, but she’s very controlling and the know it all kind of person. I think I’ve out grown her. It’s just going to be painful to tell her that. But, I really do love my boyfriend I think he’s the one and I don’t want anyone stopping what we have. Thanks again for your responses, they really helped me thus far.

longgone's avatar

Huh. I’d definitely give her a chance to apologize. It’s been six years, that’s a lot of time for someone your age. What have you got to lose by simply hearing her out?

Judi's avatar

I should tell you that I am 53 years old and really really wish I had not written off the few “best friends” i had in my early life because of disagreements, often over boys.
When you get to be my age most people are settled in their friendships and developing new deep meaningful relationships with other women is practically impossible. I joke that my best friends are my daughters, which is lovely, but there is still a sting of not having any close girlfriends to connect with. Think long and hard before you write someone off that you have invested so much time in. No one is perfect. In some cases it might be the only thing to do but it’s like throwing money that you have saved for 5 years on the ground. Friendship is an investment and you have to decide if you’re willing to throw away everything you’ve put into it as well as the possible future returns.

Kay_Cee83's avatar

@Judi and @longgone I am going to hear her out when I see her in a couple of days. I just don’t know if I can be friends with her. I am willing to forgive and forget, but her negative energy is so destructive. But I understand where you’re coming from, I’ll try to be open and calm, but it is just so hard. I do not like being disrespected =/

Kardamom's avatar

Since she does want to talk to you face to face, I would probably be willing to talk to her, but don’t expect that conversation to go well. Also, since you are understandably upset (because she was very rude to you and is probably jealous because she probably likes the guy in question) you should probably give yourself a cooling off period of say 2 weeks. Let her know that you do want to talk to her, but you’d like to cool off a bit, then make a specific date for when you 2 will get together to talk.

In the meantime, you will probably be spending time with your boyfriend, so see how that goes. If everything goes well with him and it looks like you are going to continue seeing him, then when you get together with the ex-friend, be completely calm. Do not allow her to push your buttons and upset you any more than you are now. This girl wants you to apologize to her, but I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. She owes you an apology, but you are not likely to get it, so try not to be too upset if she doesn’t offer a sincere apology.

Here’s how I see the conversation going. First text or e-mail or call her (whichever is more comfortable for you right now, so you don’t allow yourself to get upset) and let her know that you’d really like to talk to her face to face, but you want to wait about 2 weeks, so that you’ll both be less angry. Then pick a date and say that you’ll see her then.

Then say something like this, “Courtney, we’ve been best friends for almost 6 years. I feel really hurt that you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I think you’re mad that Jake and I are now a couple and I’m not sure why? Did you like him as more than just a friend? If so, you should have told me that, because I didn’t know that. You are the one that introduced me to Jake and told me how nice he was. You were right, he is nice and I developed strong feelings for him and he did for me too. What’s wrong with that? I thought you’d be happy for us, but now you’re just angry and you have not told me why? What did I do wrong?”

She’ll probably get all flustered and say all sorts of stupid things. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Address the things that she says, honestly, but stay calm and keep repeating that it hurts you that she doesn’t want to hear about your relationship with Jake, because he’s part of your life right now and you can’t understand why she would want to end your friendship over that. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

After you hear her out, if it seems like she wants to apologize, sincerely, then give her a second chance, but make it clear to her that you will be spending lots of time with Jake, but you’d like her and the rest of your group of friends to spend time with you guys as a couple, too and then see she she reacts. Her reaction will tell you whether or not you need to drop her as a friend or not.

Good luck to you. This doesn’t sound like much fun : (

longgone's avatar

I’m glad. I feel for you, best friends are hard work sometimes. Good luck, and keep us posted!!

ibstubro's avatar

“me and my bf were friends forever until he asked me to be his gf.”

Huh? #1.

Kay_Cee83's avatar

@ibstubro bf=boyfriend….not best friend. I don’t believe in being in a relationship with anyone unless I know them first, so my boyfriend and I were friends for a very long time before he asked me out.

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