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idealstar50's avatar

I'm I still in love with him?

Asked by idealstar50 (93points) June 23rd, 2014

This days I feel like staying alone. For the past 3–4 weeks anytime my boyfriend calls me or text me that he wants to see me or hang out with me, I just get annoyed. Sometimes if we start talking for more than 2 mins, I feel stressed, tired or have an headache. But I still feel an ache anytime he talks to a girl. What is wrong with me? Do I still love him? But why do I get annoyed?

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17 Answers

Kardamom's avatar

Is this the same boyfriend from your Other Question? I thought you lived with him.

I’m guessing that English is not your first language, is that correct? So I’m trying to overlook some of your spelling errors.

It is no wonder that you want to be by yourself, your boyfriend sounds like an immature, controlling person. I think you are probably depressed, partly because of the bad way in which your boyfriend treats you.

You also mentioned in your other question that you have pain in your vaginal area when you have sex. Have you gone to the doctor to see about that?

This particular guy sounds like a bad match for you. I think you know that, but you’re having a hard time letting him go, because even though he’s unkind to you, you still feel attached and scared by the idea of breaking up with him. That shouldn’t stop you from breaking up with him, though. He doesn’t sound very nice. Either way, you sound slightly depressed. Maybe you could ask your doctor about that too.

Good luck to you.

zenvelo's avatar

Sounds like you’re through with him, you’re just having a hard time letting him not be pining away for you.

So break it off, tell him it’s over, and then end any communication or interaction with him for good.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

The carcass is all but bobbing in the surf. You are feeling the fear of loss over the desire to gain. You are done renting this relationship, but since there is not another on tap, you don’t totally want to get rid of it; a janky car is better than no car at all. It might be possible you do not want to see him talk to and be happy with any other girl because that leaves you alone and sad still, and it proves he got over you and you were not as special as you felt you were.

idealstar50's avatar

@Kardamom Its the same boyfriend. I moved out of his place, and got my own place. I didn’t go to the doctor. I tried several times to break up with him, but I’m still in the relationship. The sex life got somewhat better, and I don’t feel pain sometimes. @zenvelo I tried that, seriously I did, but I don’t know. @Hypocrisy_Central I guess I’m feeling the fear of loss over the desire to gain , but there are some other guys who seem nice enough and really say they would do their best. But I don’t want to because I have this sense of loyalty for my bf and dunno how to break it

filmfann's avatar

Just because u love him doesn’t mean you are meant to be together forever. I have dated and loved several women, but it never would have worked out.

zenvelo's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central just put it as best as anyone can. You “dunno how to break it” but we’re telling you how.

Quite frankly, if you responded to me the way you describe you respond to him, you would never hear from me again.

So you can consider our advice, break it off and start feeling better about your self and your life, or keep on the way you’ve been going and be miserable.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ @zenvelo So you can consider our advice, break it off and start feeling better about your self and your life, or keep on the way you’ve been going and be miserable.
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, @zenvelo and I in rare agreement? Mark this day on the calender. I have to second that opinion though.

GloPro's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central nailed it. You are afraid of being alone, afraid of being lonely, and afraid of seeing or knowing he moves on so quickly because you attach your worth to his wanting you.
If you are able to find a cheap counselor my advice is to go talk to him/her about how your man makes you feel. Be honest. It will be painful, but you need to face the fact that you are an enabler and willing to accept a bad relationship because of flaws within your own thinking. It happens to the best of us. It happened to me. Getting away and choosing to be alone until you love yourself is very hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I did it, and so can you.

Seek out your platonic friendships. Allow them to grow and show yourself that you are valued as a good person with a lot to give. Don’t let someone else control that.

Good luck. You can do it!

marinelife's avatar

You feel possessive. Let him go.

Kardamom's avatar

This statement worries me: But I don’t want to because I have this sense of loyalty for my bf and dunno how to break it

No one should ever feel loyalty towards someone who treats them poorly. You are setting yourself up for potential abuse from this guy. He’s already done some pretty crappy things, he’s not worth it, unless you thrive on pain and suffering.

Think about if you were having this conversation with a friend or your sister, only they were the person with the crappy boyfriend. Would you suggest that they stay with the guy because they would seem un-loyal if they didn’t? If your friend or sister was in an abusive relationship what would you say to her?

You say you sometimes still feel pain when you have intercourse. That means there is a problem. You should really see your doctor about it. Do you have any reason not to?

I get the feeling that you are afraid of doctors and afraid of being alone and afraid of how you might appear to other people if you make a decision that will help you to live a healthier and happier life. Some how, you have to get it together and do what is right for you.

You can always come on here and we’ll help to walk you through it. You already took one big step, by moving out of that guy’s house. Now you need to muster up the courage and break up with him. Not try to break up, but actually break up. Then give yourself a little bit of time to grieve. If the grieving seems to be going on for too long, you might want to have a couple of sessions with a counselor to see if they can give you tips for coping.

Wait awhile before you start dating someone else. Learn to get to know yourself and what’s good for you, before you get into a relationship with someone else. You need to know and like yourself so you can present that information to a potential new mate.

By the way, just so we can give better advice, how old are you? And how long were you dating this guy? Are you in school? Do you have a job? Do you have female friends that you can talk to?

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idealstar50's avatar

@Kardamom Thanks, I’ll be 22 in October, I’ve being dating him since I was 19. He’s my first real boyfriend. I’m still a student, I have female friends but I don’t ask them about this stuff. I have a hard time discussing my problems with them. But I have a nice guy best friend, I don’t really tell him much but he understands and makes me feel good most times.

idealstar50's avatar

Hi everyone, I broke up with him. But I feel this emptiness in my chest, I feel a great pain in my heart especially when watching rom-com. At first when we broke up I was fine, then now I’m thinking of clubbing to fill the void. I thought it won’t be this painful.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

But I feel this emptiness in my chest, I feel a great pain in my heart especially when watching rom-com.
It is different because you don’t have that constant person to talk to, even if it is testy or bad conversation. If watching rom-com gives you a pain in the heart, stop watching it.

At first when we broke up I was fine, then now I’m thinking of clubbing to fill the void.
Well………there are other things to do to fill the void short of clubbing. What is that going to do, remind you that you are unattached? You see couples there, maybe many, and you will be reminded you have no one now. Then some guy will show attention, seem OK, you will not have the reason filter on, it will feel good for the flesh, and you will find yourself with some ”rebound guy” to fill the void, until it too implodes. Try doing something that in some way helps others but not a couples venue. Don’t be in a rush, go for substance over flash and your next union may be more satisfying.

Kardamom's avatar

@idealstar50 Even if you are the one that does the breaking up, it still feels very painful. It really does take time to feel better.

Although keeping busy (and useful) is very important, I wouldn’t suggest clubbing, unless you are going out with some female friends to watch a band play, simply clubbing is sort of like the real life version of OKCupid or some of those more sex related online dating sites.

Do other things that you want to try. Be helpful to other people (like your elderly neighbor who needs her yard mowed, your friend who needs a dog sitter, your parents who need their garage cleaned out etc.) and try some stuff you’ve thought about, but never took the time to do. Examples: go hiking, go ice skating (you’ll keep cool inside the rink) take an art class, take your camera out and go take some pictures of nature, or your dog, or your sister’s dance class. Join a club, join a walking club, go to a museum, invite some women friends over for movie night.

Do stuff that’s fun and interesting and new. Do stuff that makes you learn something new. Do stuff that is useful to other people so you don’t focus on yourself so much.

Allow yourself to grieve the old relationship for 10 minutes every day, then stop and get up and get yourself going.

Good luck, and please report back with your progress in two weeks : )

idealstar50's avatar

thanks everyone, I’m really doing very much better this days. I hang out with my girl friends, go to the gym, volunteer at a clinic sometimes and do many summer fun things. Though I’ve not completely gotten over it, I don’t cringe anytime I hear his name or hear about love. Thank you all.

idealstar50's avatar

Its hard, its really hard. I miss him like crazy. I check his pics on social networks, even though we are no longer friends on any. I think he has moved on, and it even hurts the more. I’ve seen him a couple of times, but we always fought on those occasions. I was told I would feel beta with time, but its almost 5 months and I’m still hurt, like really hurt. I can’t even really go on dates with guys because all I think about is him. Sometimes, when I see a guy, I think its him. I’m always remembering him in almost everything I do or my friends do. What should I do? I know its really unreasonable but I can’t help it.

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