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cutiepi92's avatar

Is my best guy friend feeling something more?

Asked by cutiepi92 (2252points) December 20th, 2014

I’m not really sure what to do in this situation because I can’t tell if I’m over thinking things.

So my best girl friend’s boyfriend is also my best guy friend. I’ve known my girl friend longer, but her boyfriend is a cool person, so we hit it off pretty quick and have been friends for about 4 years now. I think of him as a brother, and I assume(d) he does too because he calls me “twin”.

Over this past summer I got a new job, and it just so happens that he also works there. They moved our desks around and we sit essentially back to back from each other. I see him everyday, so we talk a lot.

This is where the problem comes in. Lately I’ve just been getting weird vibes but I don’t know if it’s all in my head. I don’t know if he’s like this with his other friends, but I feel like he may be a little…..too friendly? It’s just small things I notice like he always calls me before he comes in if he’s getting breakfast on the way to work to ask if I want him to get anything for me. He notices when I wear my eye makeup slightly different. He notices when I change my hair up and always comments on it. He makes me coffee and will buy me lunch if he’s going out to get it. He told me that he doesn’t like tapping me on the shoulder or me touching him because since I’m like a sister it feels “incestuous”. And most recently (the thing that set alarms off in my mind) he complemented my lips. As in, I was sitting near him while waiting for my next assignment and he asked if I was wearing lip gloss or lipstick or something, I told him no, and he just replied “oh, well you just have very nice lips.”

Why the heck are you looking at my lips, sir?! You have a girlfriend! That just feels so flirty to me. If I was single, I’d definitely think he was flirting.

He’s friends with my boyfriend too, so he knows I’m not single. We’ve talked couple stuff together and double date outings and whatnot. I just feel kinda weird talking to him now. I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring him or being rude because I do value his friendship, but it just feels wrong….both for my relationship and for his. I don’t like him in that way, I love my boyfriend, so I guess I’m just weirded out by it at this point.

What should I do? Am I just seeing things that aren’t there or do I have reason to be concerned?

TL;DR I think my best friend is flirting with me and I don’t know if I should break our friendship or not

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8 Answers

Buttonstc's avatar

If your instincts are screaming to you, then you should listen. This is dangerous territory.

However, I don’t think you need to cut him off completely. Just take the next opportunity when he does something which you sense isn’t entirely appropriate to re-establish clear boundaries.

Instead of thinking, “if we are just friends, why are you complimenting my eyes?” SAY IT OUT LOUD. but keep it on the light side.

He might be unaware of how flirty he’s acting or he may indeed be testing the waters to see if there’s a possibility of something romantic between the two of you. We aren’t mind readers so being nasty to him about it is a bit much. Save that for if he keeps this up after fair warning.

But for now, just wait for the right moment and speak up. Just a tone of lighthearted surprise and amusement should do the trick if he isn’t aware of how flirty he’s being.

Something like asking if you want him to pick something up on the way to work is not necessarily flirty. Friends do that for each other all the time.

But friends don’t usually go out of their way to tell you how beautiful your features are. That’s flirty territory.

Just make sure that the first time you call his attention to this problem that it’s in flirty territory. You sound like you’ve got good common sense about that. So use it.

I know that some of this kind of caught you off guard cuz you weren’t expecting it or thinking along those lines so you just kind of did nothing.

But, now that you’re aware of what makes you uncomfortable you can’t continue to be passive lest he interpret that as consent. Next opportunity just speak up and re-establish those necessary boundaries so that your friend can remain a good friend.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

He might be flirting or he might just suck at socializing. Does he do anything else awkward when he socializes with other people that you’ve noticed?

I don’t necessarily think doing nice things for you is weird at all, especially considering the fact that you’ve known him for four years. However, the comments about your features, especially your lips, is where I can definitely understand why it starts to make you feel uncomfortable.

@Buttonstc is right – you need to tell him the compliments feel a little weird and uncomfortable for you since you’re both dating people. Clarify that you don’t know if he means anything by it, but also state that you feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry because you don’t want to mess up any of the relationships involved.

I wouldn’t mention this to your friend right now, but if it doesn’t stop, I really think you should. I was in a situation that became very uncomfortable for me when I suspected (but wasn’t sure) that my best friend’s boyfriend was interested in me. Down the road, he blatantly admitted that he was and I ended up having to talk to my best friend about it. So, for now, play it by ear but definitely pay attention to your instincts.

kritiper's avatar

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t assume. If it’s that important to you, ask him straight out. Honesty is always the best policy!

DWW25921's avatar

I used to “flirt” with female friends just to try out lines and things in safe mode. Just throw out “friendzone” comments just in case. If he’s like me he won’t get subtle hints so just tell him where you’re at.

jca's avatar

I think you have to be careful because you do work with him, and you don’t want to make anything uncomfortable if you have to spend 8 hours a day with this person. Tread carefully.

cutiepi92's avatar

I guess I’m just not sure how to mention it in a “light-hearted” way. I don’t want to make things too awkward or anything since at the end of the day, we do have to work together.

Side note: I also found out he got me two Christmas gifts instead of one. He says it was ordered it by accident, but he felt obligated to give it to me. But he also got his girlfriend two gifts…..I feel like he should just give it to her, but he refused saying it’s for me.

Ughhh…...I mean I’ve mentioned stuff before about this, but he says he doesn’t feel anything for me and that I’m “gross” for even thinking that.

snowberry's avatar

Hey, it’s HIS boundaries that need adjusting, and he’s deflecting the argument by calling you “gross”. You are absolutely right for feeling concerned. You just need to reestablish those boundaries. He’ll never know if you don’t tell him. You just need the right time.

dappled_leaves's avatar

Maybe he just feel safe around you. You’re both in relationships, so he doesn’t have to constantly censor himself. I wouldn’t assume the worst.

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