General Question

Krazy's avatar

Should I be jealous?

Asked by Krazy (60points) February 26th, 2015

My boyfriend recently gave me his password for his phone to look up something. I accidentally clicked on call instead of the home button.

I’ve noticed that he had been keeping in contact with an old school friend and they are close. They have been talking on the phone a lot. I have also seen her tagging him in sex pictures with comments such as ‘A single girl does not need a man on Valentine’s Day – just some dick. But he did not reply to it or he would just put a laughing emotion.

I find that to be every disrepectful and then she called him ‘papi’. I am angry about it. She is recently a single mom at 18. Their birthdays are on the same day he wants me to be cool with her but the way she is acting is like she has this crush on him.

How should I handle this?
Should I send her a message behind his back or let it slide?

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24 Answers

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janbb's avatar

Do not send her a message behind his back. That is the way to destroy your relationship. Talk to your boyfriend about your concerns and let him deal with it. He should be allowed to have other friends who are girls but the sexual content is legitimately upsetting.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Send a message behind his back? Yes, do that. That will solve the jealousy issue after he dumps your ass for being a sneaky little…you know what.

If it really bothers you, you should talk to him about it instead of asking strangers on the Internet. Adults call this “communication.” It’s the key to any good relationship.

Personally, I’d let it go. Who cares if she’s into him? If he’s into her, that’s a problem, but there’s another key aspect of relationships that comes into play here: trust. Men in relationships should be allowed female friends without jealous bullshit from their girlfriend/wife.

If you feel you can’t talk to him about it and/or you don’t trust him not to cheat, I suggest breaking up instead of being jealous of this girl, because the relationship is already doomed.

DWW25921's avatar

Jealous? No. But you should break up.

KPKemp's avatar

It’s called jealousy and insecurity. He is your boyfriend right? So why be insecure? Send her a message? You WILL lose in in a matter of second, because that means you don’t trust him, and a relationship can’t survive without trust. Break up with him!! And if you don’t want to, then have the cahoona’s and talk to him like a normal, healthy partner should do. Tell him how you feel about her. He will either find out irreplacable, and worth keeping and stop responding to her messages etc, or he won’t. And then you will know what to do.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Krazy The emotion of jealousy is fine to feel, it means you have something you value. It’s how you use it that matters. If you use it to step up your game and work on your relationship, that’s good. If you get petty and send a message behind his back that’s wrong. You got some excellent advice above.

josie's avatar

Jealousy is toxic to the soul. Don’t indulge in it.
Tell him you know about the messages. Ask him what he is going to do about it.
If you don’t like the answer, dump him.
It’s that simple.

rojo's avatar

I would say let it slide. You have seen his responses to her. He is not encouraging anything and is being polite to an old friend. Same goes for her calling him papi. Just let it go and keep and eye on things. He seems pretty trusting, don’t blow it by telling him you have been snooping through his phone.

marinelife's avatar

Woah! You need to trust your boyfriend. If you can’t, then you should not be in a relationship with him. It doesn’t seem like he is doing anything wrong so why would you take it out on him?

Rather than what you are contemplating (Sending her a message? No way!), what about planning and preparing a special meal for your boyfriend. Kissing him more frequently and basically being glad you are with him and showing him that so that he would not even thin about another woman.

talljasperman's avatar

Maybe the kid is his and they are keeping in contact?

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Seeing that you went snooping, you need to let it slide because had you not looked, even when you discovered you hit the wrong button, the facts you know you would not know. From the details you posted I cannot see coming from one phone call. Even if you noticed her number in the call log, you should have ignored it and gone to where you needed to go in the phone not having opened or viewed a single conversation which was private between him and her, not meant for you or any other person. Would you want someone to do you that way? If you dig into a rose bush deep enough, you will find some thorns, don’t want to get stuck, admire the roses from the outside and keep your fingers out of the bush.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I can see why there are certain aspects to the situation that are making you feel uncomfortable. However, like everyone else has already said: Do not message her – she isn’t the one in the relationship. If you do anything, fess up and talk to him about your feelings, but you do need to acknowledge that you snooped, which isn’t okay.

Think about it this way: He trusted you enough to give you the password to his phone, right? Chances are (no guarantee, but it’s unlikely) that if he was sneaking around behind your back, there’s no way he would have felt comfortable enough to give you the password in the first place. That still doesn’t mean you have to let this eat at you, but it does mean that if you do decided to bring it up, you have to feel comfortable enough to acknowledge that you were in the wrong. And if you do talk to him about it, just express how her calling him “papi” makes you feel. Don’t, at any point, get accusatory. If you do, it will just demonstrate that you’re more concerned about being right and judgmental than you are about expressing and truly communicating.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Yeah send her this messege: If you want him you can have him.
He has not been honest with you anyways.
He has not ended his relationship nor communication not to mention on topics of sexual nature or close nature.
He should had ended that relationship well before taking on another.
You had gone over the boundary lines by reading his messeges etc
You probably felt that something was amiss in your realtionship as your intuition kicked in until you checked.
End this realationship as it is clear that he has not finished with the old one.
Plus the fact that he was not honest nor were you.
If you had doubts you should had had enough security and value to confront him using a non threatning and matrue way.
Simply stated I would had said in a calm environment…“I wish to be with someone who wants to be with me in a committed relationship..and if we don’t have that then “why” are we fooling ourselves…your are released to go your own way otherwise”.
Get involved in goals and activities that uplift and keep your objectives to better yourself instead.
This atitude takes years to learn and mature.
Depends on your stage of development at this point in how you react?
Jealous feelings and cheating is a way of life for some people regardless of sex .
You decide whether this man is capable of a committed relationship of honesty and openness. He has already proved otherwise…let this one go.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I don’t think he’s behaved in an untrustworthy manner. He’s not gone along with her encouragement. They’re old friends. He’s going to have female friends and some of them may come on to him. There’s only a problem if he takes them up on the offer or plays along. I don’t think he should have to report back to you about conversations he has with friends. He let you use his phone. He obviously isn’t trying to hide things.

I would not contact his friend. That’s a sure fired recipe for killing your relationship. You do need to do something about your trust issues.

Krazy's avatar

Thanks everyone for your opinion. I just wanted to know if I was just over exaggerating I know I was wrong for snooping. We have been together for 3 years and then suddenly this he starts talking to his old friend I asked him if they had something because I was not comfortable with him being so close to someone he onced had something with. He told me no and then in another converstation he said he did. What through me off a bit is when I saw a facetime canceled at 11 pm.

They started back talking when she got pregnant and the father did not want anything to do with her and the baby and to me he feels bad for her. He asked me if I want him to stop talking to her I told him no because that is just wrong of me to do.

We are students in our 20’s finishing school and we live together. He is always in the bedroom which he calls his man cave on his phone. If I do not knock before I come in he gets a bit upset. I once saw her called him and he hung it up and deleted the missed call which I find to be weird, I asked him about and he said yes because he doesn’t want me to get upset.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

The added info changes things. Not that you should snoop, but he certainly sounds as though he’s hiding something. The warning signs are the closed door and the anger if you enter without knocking and deleted calls and the like. If he doesn’t want you to be upset, he’ll leave the door open and he won’t need to delete history from his phone.

jca's avatar

The details you just gave should have been given initially, as they may have changed others’ responses.

rojo's avatar

When an old friend or former lover calls emotionally distraught it is sometimes hard not to try to give them a shoulder to cry on. This can cause problems in the present relationship, particularly if you try to hide the fact that you are doing so, as you now see. Since he has had an emotional attachment to her in the past, it is much easier to become re-attached and want to reach out and physically comfort. Your mind also likes to focus on the good aspects and forget the bad so suddenly you begin to question why the two of you split up in the first place. This could lead to some bad choices being made.

He needs to let you know what is going on and openly engage his ex with you present and not hide it. This will help by allowing him to help her while maintaining your trust. It will also make it easier for him to maintain his objectivity. If he meets with her, then he should take you along. I suggest you not put in your two cents worth but sit quietly and observe.

Tell you understand but are uncomfortable and ask him to just include you in the calls, etc. Secrecy is not your friend nor his in a situation such as this.

marinelife's avatar

You left all of that new info out of your original question. He is acting in an untrustworthy and sneaky manner.

Go ahead and send her a message. Don’t lose your temper just ask if she knows he’s living with you—another woman.

Tell him that he needs to stop communicating with her if he wants to have an exclusive relationship with you. Remind him that she dump[ed him for the baby daddy, and now she is looking for someone to support and raise her child.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Yeah, I agree – the additional information you provided changes everything. He gets mad if you walk in without knocking and you live together? Nope… That’s not normal behavior.

NNoels's avatar

Oh wow, without jumping to conclusions because we don’t know his side of the story, but it doesn’t sound right to me at all. My ex cheated on me and was also always on the phone, deleting messages and calls etc. And also got mad if I even so much as looked at his phone. I knew something wasn’t right and then I found out about the other woman. I’m not saying hes cheating, but he might have the idea to do so. Just be careful.

Safie's avatar

A little jealousy is normal depends on the degree of jealousy if it’s affecting your every day functioning that is not good. From what i have read here it sounds like the old school friend has his complete attention and he is liking it and acting like a single man who is not in a relationship with you…there’s one cue, and the cute names she’s calling him (I call my man papi too btw)’s a term of affection and endearment, it’s not right he’s not saying and doing anything to show he doesn’t want her attention so yes big disrespect to you on all fronts. I would not advise that you send her any messages keep your distance from her and have a heart to heart talk with your guy about how all this is making you feel, watch his reaction, you will know where you stand from that.

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