General Question

tinyfaery's avatar

What's wrong with having sex with a lot of people?

Asked by tinyfaery (41814points) June 23rd, 2015 from iPhone

If a person is not religious, doesn’t adhere to cultural expectations surrounding sex, is safe (condoms, birth control, etc.) why is it a problem to have sex with a lot of people?

I’m not talking about nymphomania (if that exists), but just having sex without having to have an emotional attachment.

The word slut isn’t necessarily bad, is it? Why is it a big deal?

If you only live one life and love sex, why is it a problem for other people? Why judge?

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51 Answers

dappled_leaves's avatar

It’s not a problem.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Unwanted pregnancies ,and S.T.D’s are the first things that come to mind.

JeSuisRickSpringfield's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s the people judging who have a problem.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Nothing, and it’s the women who wind up labeled sluts. Men are playboys. How’s that for equity?

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
ZEPHYRA's avatar

Just the lack of emotional attachment that upsets some people. The fact that one can have no feelings for another besides the physical contact. It is a feeling of spray, wipe and go!

Darth_Algar's avatar

Not a thing wrong with it.

Strauss's avatar

Nothing wrong with it if it is done responsibly and with full disclosure.

Coloma's avatar

Nothing wrong with it but OTOH living a life of hedonistic and shallow sensual pleasure is not really noteworthy of trying to attain a higher purpose aside from base carnal desire. Lots of risks involved from STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, using others for personal gain/satisfaction with little regard to the other persons needs. Enjoying sex is great, being at ease with your body is great, but if one has a grinding pun intended “need” to be sexual with many others all the time it is, most likely, much more about something lacking within, from a psychological perspective, more an addiction than any true desire or simple high libido. Shallow, hedonistic pursuits usually are not fulfilling for long, hence onto the next high.

Response moderated
Judi's avatar

Some people (like me) are unable to separate the act from the emotion. For me, sex is a spiritual thing as much as it is physical. I get intertwined with the person. I learned this after taking it casually and having several partners. It completely devastated me emotionally and all came crashing in on me at once. It was like my spirit was being torn in dozens of directions.
I acknowledge that this was MY experience, and is only anecdotal and others may experience something completely different.
Or you just might carry the traits of those partners on to your offspring

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
CWOTUS's avatar

“Wrongness” is a moral judgment. Morals exist (or were developed, more accurately) to promote “rules for right living” among communities, tribes and families. “Faithfulness to a partner” was developed as a rule to promote and encourage familial bonds when civilizations began and as they developed. Surely you already understand why these kinds of rules began.

Apparently, then, your question – particularly because of the way that you qualified it so carefully – is more about “Why do some of us feel a need to adhere to moral codes which may not govern our circumstances?” (And I’m curious why it wasn’t worded that way, but that’s none of my business.)

In short, moral codes developed around “paternity certainty”, prevention of disease, family bonding and all of the other explicit and implicit rules developed by different cultures regarding dress, modesty, chastity, child-rearing and copulation (because they’re all related in various ways that I haven’t the time or inclination to expound upon). That’s simple enough to understand in concept, even if we don’t write down all of the reasons why we do everything that we do in the way that we do it. We live heuristically, by many rules of thumb. It’s hard enough to get by as it is from day to day without questioning everyone about everything that most of us take for granted.

If you throw away those rules because they don’t pertain to your situation, then you need to invent your own rules – and somehow codify and make them “common knowledge” among your familiars. But at the same time, you need to check the rules that your partners are playing by. Is your partner as “safe” as you claim to be? Does your partner have a family that he or she is ignoring, shunning, neglecting? Does your partner treat sex with the same casualness (or intensity) that you bring to it?

I also noticed that you did not mention – even once – the idea of “shared intimacy” between partners (or among them – since I’m not judging or presupposing what kinds of relationships you have in mind). For me, since I fit your stated qualifications: non-religious; disease-free and deliberately unable to procreate; friendly and fit for my age – the primary reason I don’t indulge in casual or promiscuous sex is because I hold that intimacy in such high esteem: I won’t settle for throwaway sex partners, nor will I connect with anyone who would toss me aside after a casual encounter.

You still need rules for right living, but it’s a lot easier to adopt existing rules with proven workability than it is to “invent civilization” on your own.

Coloma's avatar

@CWOTUS Well said, standing ovation!

tinyfaery's avatar

My question has nothing to do with intimacy nor does it have anything to do with psychological assumptions. I thought I made that clear.

This is about the individual who has no problem having sex without love or intimacy. I can feel the judgement oozing out of some of these answers even though the words say that there is no problem. Obviously, people do judge even without religious and psychosocial tropes.

As far an considering a partner that would have to be an agreement between individuals. It’s not person #1’s job to police or assume anything about person #2.

If you had a great friend who suddenly disclosed such information, would your opinions and/or actions change toward this person?

Chaffing seems to be the best answer so far.

Coloma's avatar

@tinyfaery Discussions unfold and nobody is making assumptions or judging. We are sharing our opinions. On the superficial level there is nothing wrong with pursuing casual sexual encounters, however, it is also true that casual and meaningless hook ups are usually a symptom of inner emptiness from a psychological standpoint. Clearly humans are more than capable of rationalizing whatever it is they want to rationalize but this does not change the fact that there are deeper hidden agendas a lot of the time.

Sexuality by it’s nature is intended as a bonding experience even if we as humans are able to separate the two. Sexual addiction is also real, just as other addictions based on obsessive thought that leads to compulsive behavior You can’t side step the rest of the equation just because it doesn’t fit your agenda.

There are many answers to this question from the benign to the pathological. Don’t blame us for expanding on the big picture, as there is always a big picture.

JLeslie's avatar

I wouldn’t use the word wrong necessarily, but my answer would be STD’s. Some things are still transferred even with a condom on. Plus, if you’re having oral without condoms, STD’s can transfer that way too. The condom helps protect against a lot though.

I really have a hard time understanding how people can sleep with a lot of different people and feel fine with it, but if that’s how their brain works I certainly don’t make any judgment about it. So, I would say if having sex leaves you feeling terrible in the end, then I see something wrong with it, if not, then not.

chinchin31's avatar

You end up with alot of emotional baggage and mind gets messed up.

Sex is more enjoyable when it is a relationship as opposed to just an act. I never met anyone who didn’t believe that.

Also STDs is a major issue too. No form of contraception is 100 percent effective.

Also there is something nice about valuing your body and only revealing it to people you love. It makes it precious.

Why would you want everyman you find attractive to know what your body looks like ?

You should make them work for it.

Cheap = readily available to all. There is something nice about not being ready available to all.

It is not judging. It is just a way of thinking and well everyone is entitled to their opinion.

In the same way you find it offensive when people tell you negative things about it. There are many people that would find your sexual behaviour offensive.

Surround yourself with like minded people. That is just the way the world works.

And well a large majority of the population believe in God. In religion you are taught that your body does not belong to you but belongs to God. You are taught that he expects you to focus on the spiritual rather than just your bodily desires as your body is mortal but your spirit is not.

Putting that aside. You need to think about what is important to you ? What do you value in life. Does the way you live your life help or hinder that.

IF you don’t believe in God and you don’t give a damn and think everything just goes black when you die and there is no afterlife or consequences for your actions then of course it doesn’t matter.

BUT what if, what if that really wasn’t so. Then according to religion it would be to late and you will have no chance to go back and change your earthly life.

Religion teaches you that this life is a journey. How you live your life here determines where you will go in the next life after you die.

Unfortunately when you look in the mirror you know for a fact that you didn’t make yourself and your parents didn’t really make you. Some supreme being is running this planet.
He makes the rules and He put us here to follow them.

IF you don’t believe in any of that then why are you asking this question ? You wouldn’t care.

Clearly you are asking this question because you have a moral conscience and it is bothering you.

I am not judging you. Just asking you to think.

All human beings are made free . We all can do what we want. But are you willing to live with the consequences. Because there always are. That is something you need to think about it and that is why right and wrong becomes such an issue in this world we live in.

josie's avatar

When I was about 15 to age 25, I would have said nothing wrong with it. In fact, I acted on that standard when I was about 15 to age 25.
Then, it sort of became conduct unbecoming of an officer.
Now, it just sort of seems…trashy. I would hate to be thought of as that guy.

gorillapaws's avatar

Warning: This will probably piss some people off. As I understand it, social science has shown that sex is a kind of currency that women trade for things they want. They are usually the “gatekeepers” of sexual interaction. If sex is given too freely then it “dilutes the value” of their “currency.” This creates as situation where women are very invested in punishing other women who make sex too easy to come by through shaming, name calling, socially ostracizing, etc.

Essentially there is social pressure placed primarily on women, often by other women to keep sex a scarce and valuable commodity. Like OPEC colluding with each other to limit the supply of oil production thus driving up its value.

I’m not saying this is right or how it should be, just that this is often how it works out.

Mimishu1995's avatar

The only problem is that one person gets jealous.

Apparently_Im_The_Grumpy_One's avatar

Sounds mildly sociopathic.

Blondesjon's avatar

Upon further review I am going to say that it is an individual’s body so it is that individual’s decision as to how they use it. No harm. No foul.

Pandora's avatar

I find it amusing that many people would have problems sharing some stangers underwear but have no problem going to town on anyone vagina or penis. People don’t trust others to properly clean their private areas enough to share underwear but have no problem sharing other bodily fluids that can be loaded in STD’s .
I don’t think cheap. I think disgusting and gross.

tinyfaery's avatar

Why do you assume that this person is dirty? What makes you think this person isn’t careful about who their sex partners are? A lot of people doesn’t mean anyone. What if this person gets tests often and uses more than just condoms? Judged as dirty. Damn.

I find these answers so interesting. So many people who think they are open minded.

And to whomever up there assumes this question is about me, I’ve been married for 14 years, monogomously. I also don’t judge people on how many people they have sex with. I certainly don’t believe in a mythological creator figure. And our bodies aren’t precious or special. We’re animals.

whitenoise's avatar

Onder no wrongs, intrinsically, but a need for casual sex with many different partners can be a symptom of something else that might warrant attention.

Of course there are risks too, such as STD’s and meeting people in very private circumstances that you would rather not have met in that way, retrospectively.

Casual sex – sex merely for the sex – can be very exiting and rewarding.

That is not to say that it’s better than intimate sex with a loved one you can trust fully.

JLeslie's avatar

@tinyfaery I’m not assuming anyone is “dirty.” I know many many many women who are well dressed, educated, who dated men of a similar caliber, and they wound up with, herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, molluscum, Trich, HIV, and I’m sure there are others. Not that the well dressed and educated are any better than people who aren’t, my only point is you can’t tell by looking, and good people who don’t intend to hurt anyone sometimes are carriers and don’t know it. Men especially don’t get checked for anything all too often, or even doctors don’t check them for certain diseases when they asked to be checked. Certain diseases men are asymptomatic, or such minor symptoms they ignore it.

If they use condoms consistently all the risks go way down.

Pandora's avatar

@tinyfaery , I didn’t assume it was you. But I’ve known of some pretty filthy people over the years. Many who claimed to be using safe sex methods. And by filthy, I mean, they didn’t care who or what they slept with and were not the type to care if they were clean or the other person. Especially after a few drinks. I knew a medic who worked on a navy ship and he said when they would go out and come back, many of the guys and girls came back with extra baggage. He hated working on the ship. He said he always felt like he needed to sterilize himself.
The safe bet is be very selective and get to know the person well before engaging in something that you may not want. I’m just pointing out that some people are more selective about wearing others peoples underwear than what they pick up at a bar.
Or they cover the crap out of public toilet seats that look like they have just been cleaned, or hover over toilet seat so the don’t come into physical contact.

Judi's avatar

@Pandora, it made me think of what a dental hygienist told me once.
Some of the best dressed, best made up, not a hair out of place, hoity toity women take the worst care of their teeth.
Makes me wonder about other parts too.

canidmajor's avatar

I simply assumed that the question was about numbers of sex partners. That’s it. @tinyfaery very specifically, in the details, eliminates the reasons that people keep using as negatives.

If you substitute “restaurant” for “sex partners” I imagine the answers would be very different. If I visit a city and choose to have every meal at a different restaurant, (and, by the criteria mentioned above, I can assume that all the restaurants are clean and the food is safe) how is that different?

tinyfaery's avatar

Chinchin assumed it was me. And then proceeded to preach at me.

Coloma's avatar

@canidmajor You have a point, but…if one ate at a different restaurant every night for a month the odds of consuming a cockroach, getting food poisoning, having a waiter serve you without washing their hands after using the bathroom or finding a fly in your soup goes up exponentially. haha

From a personal POV I am a 70’s girl and had plenty of casual sex and while it was a time of sexual freedom and empowerment for women and I did have a lot of fun it also was not something I wanted to make a lifestyle out of. Nothing wrong with sewing your wild oats but making such a life long pursuit is pretty devoid of substance.

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cheebdragon's avatar

I don’t think I would call it “wrong”....it’s just slightly disgusting. Condoms don’t protect against everything and regular testing isn’t all that effective either.

jenniesmith011's avatar

It’s not a problem.

chinchin31's avatar

I did not assume anything. I was just holding a philosphical discussion from all angels of the situation.

tinyfaery's avatar

Uh, no. Take a re-read on that.

JeSuisRickSpringfield's avatar

@chinchin31 There are angels for all of those things? Heaven must be pretty crowded.

bobsmulders's avatar

I guess it’s totally OK. We’re free to do everything we want. It’s our life and it’s ending with every second.

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