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dopeguru's avatar

Which is worse: betrayal or guilt?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) July 29th, 2015 from iPhone

I found out that my relationship was full of lies. My partner when we were more casual, blamed me when he had a sexual affair, because I had told him I met up with my ex boyfriend that day. He would tell me the only time he slept with someone was right after that, because I made him feel unworthy and angry, so to payback he slept with someone else. I find out recently from a friend that the event occured a week prior to me meeting up with my ex.

This is just an example, but I found out other lies, such as the time he slept with one of his friends, how many times they did it, etc. He created false realities and made all his affairs seem like a reaction to something I said or done. And claimed all affairs made him feel horrible and he didnt even finish. Today I find out it not the case at all.

I ended it with him though we both had truly fallen for one another in the past month, and finally admitted to how much we love. I gave him many chances to be honest about the past, but he would repeat the same lies, until I had to find out from other people the truths. I begged for honesty by the end and still didnt receive it. When I found out the realities and confronted him, he confirmed to them, saying he is finally being honest and that everything is on the table. Oh, please – i just found it out myself.

My point is I dont know which is worse. The reality of the past as I discovered recently, is haunting me. I keep replaying in my head the times he slept with others and the true reasons for them: which were simply pleasure and excitement.

It also hurts that theyd occur the night after we would spend the night together.

But having to live the newly discovered reality, and lies hurt more.

So which one is worse? Being betrayed, or being the one to betray. Guilt or betrayal?

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13 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Being betrayed is worse in the beginning, because the betrayer has communicated that he or she has no regard for you, which makes whatever time and energy you put into the relationship worthless.

But in the long run, once the person betrayed has dumped the asshole and stood up and moved on, the betrayer will find him or herself alone and untrustworthy. And the person who was betrayed can move on in a healthy manner.

snowberry's avatar

Disillusionment means you no longer have any illusions of how things are. It always hurts to learn the truth, but I’d always rather be disillusioned than live in a fantasy world.

Here2_4's avatar

The only way to put something behind you is to move on without holding on to that harsh memory. There is no way it was a healthy relationship. No matter what you may have liked about it, the relationship was poison. Move on. If you do that successfully, you will be emotionally healthier. Hanging on will do more damage to your life and your happiness than his lies have.
On a side note, with all those partners in and out of the picture, you would be wise to see a doctor right away.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Betrayal is worse. It means you trusted me and I let you down. Guilt is just your feeling for letting the other person down. Both suck, but guilt means you have a conscience.

emmastone019's avatar

Being betrayed is worse rather than guilt. When you deceived by someone, it always hurt, because you have trust and strong bonding with him/her.

Apparently_Im_The_Grumpy_One's avatar

Having been on both sides of this myself – I can tell you that for me guilt is far worse. Betrayal hurts.. yes.. but it isn’t nearly as lingering. When I was betrayed it floored me.. it was like a tsunami… but the tsunami passed and I survived it. The guilt, on the other hand.. will always be there I think. It will never truly be gone. Forgiving someone is one thing… forgiving yourself is something entirely different.

dammitjanetfromvegas's avatar

^I agree with everything The Grumpy One said.

josie's avatar

Betrayal is something you can get over. And you can always lay the onus of betrayel on somebody else.
Guilt lingers and there is nobody to transfer it to.

Zaku's avatar

I think it varies by person, and by situation.

Each person has their own themes that are significant to them in different ways.

And the situation is never so simple as betrayal versus guilt. Trying to make it so is often an irrelevant deflection attempt.

In the situation you describe, I’d recommend taking it as a thankfully clear sign that the relationship was toxic, so it’s good it ended as soon as possible. Thank goodness you both didn’t put off conflict till a later worse eventual one. Then from that more peaceful perspective, reflect upon what the significance was for you, and what deeper/older themes that is about for you, that would have it reappear with such significance later. What had you be with someone with those issues? Bring acknowledgement, forgiveness, and healing to that whole theme.

kritiper's avatar

Betrayal because it affects more than one.

Pandora's avatar

I think in a case such as yours, neither would hang around long with me. At least I hope. Simply because I would feel we both worked at sabotaging the relationship, because neither of us were ready to fully commit. I would chalk it up to a life lesson and promise myself to learn from my mistakes and do better next time around with someone who wants to grow with me and accept that it takes two people to make a relationship work.
I do tend to hold onto guilt more. Even if I feel justified, simply because I have higher standards for myself because I have a clear understanding of my personal do’s and don’ts. It hurts when you realize you can sometimes be a hypocrite without really trying.

talljasperman's avatar

Guilt about betrayal is the worst.

gailcalled's avatar

Guilt is a feeling; betrayal a behavior.

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