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yankeetooter's avatar

How does it make you feel when someone makes a statement to you that shows how little they get you, and yet they're convinced they have you figured out?

Asked by yankeetooter (9651points) April 22nd, 2016

I’ve had that happen on here before certainly, although, to be fair, it is no doubt due to people not knowing me that well. Today I was told by someone that the only reason I like to help people is because it gives me power over them, that I can hold it over their heads.

WTF?? (Excuse my French initials)

This person doesn’t know how much I like helping others, how often the opportunity to do so has turned my day around from the good feeling I get from helping them.

Why would someone who has known me for less than three months tell me that?

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25 Answers

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Honestly, When appropriate and I think they genuinely have the wrong idea I look them in the eye and say: “you have the wrong perception about me”
In your case that person is simply someone to stay away from. I would personally let it go and then distance myself.

JLeslie's avatar

It really bothers me when I am misperceived. I don’t mind if someone asks me a question about my motivation, even if they had made a wrong assumption, but when they believe something and hold to it, that is completely wrong it’s annoying. Over time it erodes my relationship with them if it is someone I had a relationship with.

yankeetooter's avatar

@ARE_you_kidding_me…I did try to tell them that they had me all wrong, but they were so convinced that they know everything, that they’re not trying to hear it. And I would stay away from them if I could, but at least for a while longer I can’t. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart…

Jak's avatar

people judge others by their own can pretty much extra plate from there statement but that would be the only reason they would have for helping someone. People like that truly cannot believe that somebody else could have better motivations.I recently saw where a jelly had posted something like there was no such thing as altruism.and I have no doubt that for that person it’s true. that person could not possibly ever help somebody without expecting something in return because that’s where that person is. the mistake that jelly makes is thinking that everyone else has the same way. Of course they’re not.I just try to keep in mind that whenever somebody says something negative about me or about the human race, that it is actually a reflection of how they see themselves.sorry about the crappy punctuation and no caps. I’m using talk text.

yankeetooter's avatar

Yes, @jak. Later I was telling someone else about this conversation, and they said that that sounded just like him. And I thought exactly what you just stated, that often the faults we are convinced we see in others are a reflection of our own faults.

Jak's avatar

Extrapolate! Extra plate. Sheesh! Fucking talk text!Their statement THAT! Dammit! ...everyone else THINKS that way. This is exhausting!

stanleybmanly's avatar

It happens so often that you should learn to have fun with it. Such tactics as feigning sincere appreciation for criticisms that you know are clearly absurd. Why not just egg them on. “You’re very perceptive. Can you help me out and tell me what else is wrong with me?”

Coloma's avatar

Honestly, the first thing we should always do is ask ourselves if there is any truth in what another says, even if it stings. Sometimes others perceptions are spot on.
If you honestly do not believe so then feel free to set them straight and then distance if they are critical and off base on a regular basis. There is a saying that goes..” If one person says you’re a donkey, ignore it, if 10 people say you’re a donkey, buy a saddle.” haha
To be perfectly honest myself, while I am not doubting your motives because I don’t know you at all, I am wary of do gooder types and have known quite a few “helpful” types that never stopped talking about how much they have helped others and then were constantly feeling wronged and un-appriciated for all their “help” even if it was not asked for.

I am a firm believer in asking people if they want/need help to begin with. Certain personality types are naturally helping types but keeping it healthy and staying out of martyr land is a challenge for this type at times. Helping when asked for is great, forcing “help” on others and then expecting undying gratitude and endless thank-yous is manipulative. This can be a trap that helper personalities fall into. Again, not saying you behave this way, but it never hurts to do a little self examination when we feel defensive over others perceptions.

dxs's avatar

My family does this all the time. So much that I’ve stopped caring and just let them define me if it makes them happy (which I don’t think it does, but in any case it’s not worth my frustration.) When other people do this, I make sure to take the time to clarify a misunderstanding. That is, if they’re not too ‘thick’ to understand.
What @Coloma says can be truthful—there are many things about yourself you may not see. But I’m talking more about comments like this:
“Oh Dxs, I knew you wouldn’t want to go to Walmart because you’re so ‘against the establishment’!”

jca's avatar

@yankeetooter: Is this person your boss, the new principal that you’ve asked about in the past on Fluther?

yankeetooter's avatar

@stanleybmanly…believe you me, one does not want to give this guy ammunition.

@Coloma…don’t worry. I am busy enough that I wait for people to come to me and ask for help (short of rushing to get the door when someone is loaded down, or that type of thing.)
BTW, why am I buying a saddle if I’m a donkey? So I can ride my horse, lol!?

SecondHandStoke's avatar

Feeling a particular way about it helps nothing, and would merely serve to hamper my ability to set someone more straight about me if I believed there was merit in attempting to do so.

The situation you describe in your OP is one that I encounter very often. I do not fit easily into categories. This makes many people uncomfortable.

I am bisexual, yet I question the over, or misuse of “intellectual” bully terms such as” homophobe” for example. Your peer pressure approach is hardly going to change my mind.

There’s far too many people that assume that if you don’t fall lockstep into their idea on the “subject” that you might as well want to see all queer folk burned at the stake. Sad.

We can’t have an interesting, point by point, discussion on the subject? I’m an interesting person, with detailed reasoning for my position. If you really care, set your vitriol aside so we can learn things about each other.

If you are a straw man argument employing sheeple hack then move on.

yankeetooter's avatar

@SecondHandStoke… I am the same way. I do not easily fit into people’s perceptions of what I should be like. For instance, I love babies, but for the life of me, I cannot understand the excitement of planning or attending a baby shower. If I told people that, they would look at me like there was something wrong with me.

stanleybmanly's avatar

You really have to get used to it. If you give a panhandler a buck in front of witnesses, it’s a sure bet that at least one of them will be ready to deride you for showing off. You’re never going to please or satisfy everyone. Just get on with the showing off. Only YOU know the truth of it anyway.

yankeetooter's avatar

@stanleybmanly…I hear you. And as much as this person’s comments turned me off earlier today, I just can’t stop helping people when they come to me with a need…it is too much a part of who I am.

GSLeader's avatar

Indifferent. It happens all the time and it quit bothering me years ago.

yankeetooter's avatar

@GSLeader…and I guess I should not care, but unfortunately, for the moment I have to.

ucme's avatar

I’m just going to come right out & say it, those on here that tend in that direction are just reactionary, liberal fuckwits, best ignored or laughed at

jca's avatar

Perhaps the person said that to you simply to upset you and piss you off. Apparently they knew what they were doing because it was successful.

You didn’t answer my question, @yankeetooter. Is this person your new principal and boss that you’ve asked about several times previously?

babaji's avatar

ah well
tomorrow’s another day…

yankeetooter's avatar

Yes,@jca… at the risk of still more criticism it was my boss and he said that in front of HR. Later when speaking with HR they said, oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean to express it that way. He should have said it better but I’m sure he didn’t mean that. My point is, which I told the HR person, if you’re in a leadership role particularly, you need to learn to express yourself appropriately. You can’t go making statements like that and then brush it off as oh you misunderstood me or I didn’t mean to express it that way.

It’s okay, though, I’ve decided to move on as soon as I can find another job. There are too many things going on in the company in general that I’m just not willing to put up with anymore. And unfortunately there are a lot of other good people leaving or on the verge of leaving as well.

chyna's avatar

@yankeetooter Obviously, being a manager or boss doesn’t make the person able to handle things as they should. The boss in my office is a medical director and says the most inappropriate things on a daily basis.
I hope you find a new job that you will love and will fit you better.

jca's avatar

@yankeetooter: If you do get another job, the time to talk about the principal is at the exit interview. That’s your time to tell the interviewer the things that piss you off, without fear of repercussion. Many people choose not to say much during the exit interview, preferring instead to be nice and diplomatic. You can be diplomatic but you should say what’s on your mind.

Pandora's avatar

Actually a statement such as that probably says more about them than it does you. I would take it to mean that they are either speaking from their own personal feelings or they have had little experience with other people ever doing something for them without expectations, or they are jealous of the genuine joy you feel.
There is of course the possibility that you may have said or done something that may make them believe you think this way.
For instance. I know someone who is very kind and generous. This person was taken advantage of very often. But he genuinely enjoyed helping others. Well after several years he learned that whenever he was in need of the tiniest of favors, that he could not count on any of the many people he helped. Not because they couldn’t but rather they have forgotten the countless of favors and would not help him out. He wasn’t asking for money or anything like that, just a helping hand sometimes for a few hours or even one hour. So with time he stopped helping everyone else and going out of his way for people who only knew of his existence when they needed a favor.
He still genuinely liked helping people out but he prefers to help people he doesn’t know well or people who have been kind with him as well. If you ask him for a favor he will say, I will collect on the favor some day (to friends and family). He rarely ever does but it does keep them from asking too often or trying to take advantage. Especially family, since some started to think it was an obligation to help. What use to be weekly favors has gone down to maybe 4 a year.
My point is that perhaps you may have said something about requiring a favor in return and they misunderstood and thought you meant it.
I make it clear that I do favors for favors. Not to lord it over any ones head but to assure I am not taken advantage of.

yankeetooter's avatar

@Pandora… except I never said anything of the kind. And my help is given freely, not with any expectations attached.

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