Can I talk to you all about an issue that's near and dear to me and look for some thoughts or advice?

First of all a big hug @jca! So hard to go through. In terms of the question I sense you’re asking which is how to handle it with your daughter, I think 9 is not too young for her to recognize her own needs. She may want to spend a lot of time with her Nana even if it is upsetting her. You can help her most by giving her space to express and satisfy her own needs and sadness.

@janbb: It’s something I’ve seen others go through and found the whole thought of it (the thought of my mother dying) to be unimaginable. I used to think it would be so awful I’d need something to go to sleep and wake up in five days or something just to deal with the pain. Maybe because I’m seeing first hand what cancer has done to a strong, smart woman, I’m seeing it as death is a better alternative. Thank you for the hug!

I’m also looking for advice for others who have dealt with coaching a child through it. She also has an ear infection now and is crying her ear hurts. We went to Urgent Care last night and got a prescription for antibiotic and ear drops. Then she told me some kid in her class was sent home with lice. Nice.

I don’t believe children should be shielded from reality. It does them no favours. When the actor who played Mr. Hooper died on Sesame Street, they used it as an award-winning opportunity to teach Big Bird – and the children watching Sesame Street – about the nature of death, with no sugar-coating or euphemisms. The grief the actors displayed in the episode was as real as it gets.

Up until very recently, it was customery for extended families to live under a single roof, often with the animals and often even in the same room. Children learned the realities of sex, birth, life, and death from witnessing it first-hand in both human relatives and the animals around them. People weren’t traumatized by this; quite the opposite. Shielding children from reality is what makes them weak and unable to cope.

@jca, your daughter may be able to help you through this as much as you will be able to help her. It sounds like their relationship has been very special and important. Let your daughter and mother guide you.

Earlier today, I was re-reading something a friend of mine wrote following my mother’s death and thinking about my mother’s final days and the wisdom offered to me by a very very young woman. There was little my mother could control other than the course of treatment. So what mattered was that whatever she asked of us was done. It could be as small as bringing the specific number of cashews she asked for – it made a difference that we did what she asked. Bringing more cashews caused distress that no one wanted.

So – that is my piece of advice for helping your daughter and mother. Remind your daughter that whatever Nana asks for is what you’re all going to do for her. She may understand it instinctively. I sure didn’t.

___

Wishing peace and comfort for your mother, your daughter and you.

I completely agree with @SmashTheState. This is the approach we’ve taken with my daughter who, unfortunately has lost both grandfathers, two uncles, a great grandmother and two family dogs in her short life. The first died when she was four and the most recent this year, when she was thirteen.

She visited all the humans while they dying in the hospital. She’s been to all the funerals — even delivering a speech at her grandfather’s funeral. She actually insisted on doing it. She actually was the person who discovered one of the dogs when they had died.

Recently, she was inadvertently in the room when my uncle died. He was surrounded by those who loved him, including me and my daughter.

Frankly, I think these experiences have made her a stronger, more capable person.

Sorry to hear you are going through this @jca I just went through this with my mom and her cancer this spring. You are probably numb head to toe and memories are keeping you in the game with taking care of your mom. The single hardest moment that brought the most relief is when we had the visit with Hospice and when my mom signed the papers to begin Hospice. The Hospice people are all angels who will lift the load of much of the care for your mom and also have the meds your mom really should be afforded to provide relief from the physical duress she will experience as her body begins to shut down. Do take time to be with her, reminisce, make her laugh and I think having your daughter there will help her experience her grandma in a way that not being there would deny her. Yes there will be lots of tears but there will be exceptional moments of closure for all involved. One thing to remember and that Hospice will stress is the last faculty to go is the ability to hear…your mom will hear every word but may not be able to respond in kind.

I’m sorry…this is making me cry….God bless.

Oh @jca I’m so sorry. Regrdless of your relationship it’s hard to lose your mama, I think it’s even harder if you don’t have a perfect relationship.
My opinion for what it’s worth is to allow your daughter to set the pace. If she needs to spend hours sitting next to grandma in bed just playing her video games (that’s what my grandson wanted to do when my mom was dying) then let her. Don’t hide your grief. Your mom has taught this little girl how to live, I would allow her the gift of teaching her how to die as well.
Ask your daughter how she feels and what she wants. I have confidence that you have developed an open relationship with your daughter and I’ll bet this comes more naturally than you think.
Our society has made death a scary taboo but in previous generations, when there were fewer medical interventions, death was as natural as life.
My last advice to you is to not leave anything unsaid. IMHO, death is as sacred as birth and can be a very special time for all involved. For the next few days put away any family baggage that may exist and focus on being present.
You are in my heart dear friend.

Oh geez, @jca, so sorry to hear this.

In line with what @Judi said, I was in therapy when my father was gravely ill, and we knew he would not last long. My therapist asked me if I had “any unfinished business.” For you, as much as for your mom, I wish you the strength to say goodbye and tell your mom how much you love her. And having your daughter with you when you talk to your mom will be immortal for you and your daughter.

And, let the tears flow, your strength will not be in holding back, but in expressing grief.

Prayers for you.

I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I know how much your mom has been a part of your life, especially regarding your daughter. It’s very upsetting. Thank God she isn’t in a lot of pain.

I think to some extent you can let your daughter tell you what she is comfortable with. Tell her if she wants to leave Nana’s room because it’s upsetting that it is ok, and all she has to do is tell you (maybe create a way for her to tell you without hurting your mom’s feelings). Maybe have a friend or relative who can take your daughter out of the room if you want to spend a lot of time with your mom.

I think, if I were 9 and very close to my grandma, which I was, I loved spending time with her, as long as she was coherent I would want to be with her. However, I will say that as an adult, when my grandmother died, my step cousin told me to look at my grandmother in her coffin, and I regret it to this day. Others talked about that she looked peaceful, and that is not how I felt.

Don’t force your daughter to do anything she is uncomfortable with. I know you would never actually force her, I just mean I am in favor of shielding young children from some things. From some visuals that might be troubling to them. I don’t believe children need to see everything to have closure. Your daughter trusts you for the truth in these matters. When I was young I moved to the acceptance stage very quickly. As an adult I am much more resistant.

There cannot be more beautiful, valuable and precious answers than all of the above. Nothing more can possibly be added to what has been said. Just wishing you courage, strength and the ability to cope with the tough time you are all going through. Your daughter will manage this somehow and will certainly be left with the fondest memories of grandma. You take care of yourself and your emotions. Kids have a way of dealing with things better than we do.

May your mum’s life journey end as smoothly and peacefully as possible.

Peace and comfort to you, your mom and your daughter. {{{{{Hugs and prayers}}}}}

I’m so sorry @jca. All of the good advice has been given, I can’t add much to what has been said. You should follow the advice and let your daughter spend as much time with your mother as possible. Also you can use this as a chance to better your relationship with your mother. At least both you and your daughter will have a great last memory with her to treasure. And don’t be afraid to grieve. I remember @janbb saying she grieved throughout the time Gail was hospitalized. The grieving will prepare you better for the inevitable. And beside you can’t run away from the grieving, everyone has to, even if they don’t want to. Give your daughter the same chance too.

You know what’ going to happen to her and your mind is all ready for that. I remember my last days with Adi. He kept on ensuring me that nothing was wrong with him. I believed him and continued with my life hoping that he would recovered soon. So his death was a real shock to me. I could have valued my time with him more but I didn’t, and it still haunts me to this day. Please concentrate on the present, when your mother is still around, and make the best of your time with her.

I wish you the best. Please be strong.

I’m so, so sorry, @jca. We wish ourselves and our loved ones a quick death for this reason. You’re a good mom, and I agree with @BellaB that you should let your daughter guide her participation from here out.

Did your mother leave a living will, or DNR instructions? If so, that would help.
If not, you should do so, and update. You have a daughter to relieve.

Thank you all for the kind words. We went there yesterday and my mom ate some more. The visiting RN came in the morning and I’m told she said my mom has 2 to 4 weeks to go. In the next few weeks, she may become anxious and incoherent and my stepfather was given some pain medication and anti-anxiety medication to keep on hand just in case.

My daughter has an ear infection which is being treated, so she slept on their couch for the majority of the day. We went up a few times to see Nana. My daughter was kind of quiet an sullen and I’m not sure if it was because she was sick or because she found Nana’s appearance upsetting. She kissed my mother goodbye, which was nice. We’re not going there today because of my daughter being sick.

An aide is coming tomorrow to do 4 hours per day to help out. My mom has a hospital bed and now she’s using the bedside commode because the RN said it’s too dangerous for her to walk into the bathroom.

An update from
JCA
The Update Lady
:)

@jca Hope it is all as peaceful as possible. Here’s another hug.

Thank you for the update.

Does your stepfather have support from a local hospice group? I’ve found them tremendous resources.

One thing I thought I should add from my own experience.

My mother died of cancer in hospice, and I sat with her for a couple of days even though she wasn’t fully conscious. Her breathing was becoming increasingly difficult and even while unconscious she would struggle with her oxygen tubes. Several times she’d come close to waking and she’d gasp “help me,” before fading back into unconsciousness, making my skin goosepimple and my hair prickle right up. She was so clearly in terror of her approaching death that it still gives me existential chills when I think about it.

Death isn’t always peaceful and pretty. It’s probably not something you’d want a child to witness without guidance. Make sure you’re in the room for the entire time and your daughter is never left alone.

I should probably add that my mother’s fear of dying was so strong that even at the very end she was trying to defy their pronouncement of death. She stopped breathing and the nurse said, “She’s gone.” Then she took three or four more gasps, stopped breathing again for even longer, and took a couple of quick agonal breaths before giving up the ghost. Again, not something you want a child to witness without guidance, and would probably require some serious discussion later on the nature of death, the will to survive, why fear of death is natural, and possibly some religious or philosophical teaching.

@SmashtheState That was a really thoughtful answer.

@SmashTheState I’m glad you were able to tell that story. It actually makes me feel better if I’m selfish for a moment, while this should be the OP’s moment. I think it is great help to her also.

I visited a friend two days before she died from breast cancer that had spread. She had been told it would be less than a week at that point. I remember she said, “I don’t know how to die.” Almost like she could will to happen or not happen at that point.

@BellaB: Hospice just started the other day.

Update: My mother passed away today, 6 days after asking this question.

She died at home, not in pain, not on painkillers of any kind. I last saw her on Tuesday (today is Friday).

I told my daughter straight out, and we had a discussion about it. She was upset but is ok now. I’m actually doing ok with it so far. I know I’ll have my moments over the next few days. I just posted it on FB but have not yet read the comments.

So sorry. <3

Hugs to you @jca. Yes, you may have your moments over the next few days, or weeks, and maybe longer and when least expected. We each grieve in our own way, and no way is wrong.

And hugs to your daughter, too.

I’m very sorry @jca. ((HUGS))

Thanks for the update. My sympathies to you and your family.

Thank you for letting us know. I had been wondering.

Listen to yourself and your daughter as both of you sort through what’s happened. My experience was that my feelings ebbed and flowed for months.

I hope you have some good memories to smile about, and that you and your daughter will be able to share them.

Sending virtual hugs and awkward shoulder pats.

I’m sorry @jca. But at least you are dealing with it well.