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nightshade's avatar

What do I do to not cheat on her?

Asked by nightshade (32points) August 10th, 2008 from iPhone

I love this girl with all my heart and I have a bad habit of cheating and I’m trying so hard not to. And what really scares me is when we go back to school we both go to different schools.

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33 Answers

mamasu's avatar

If you truly love her, you won’t cheat. You won’t be able to. Love is partly about being willing to sacrifice for another. This includes not indulging in the impulse for immediate gratification. Love is so valuable, it supersedes such impulses because it adds more to our lives than indulging in any impulse ever could. So, as far as how to avoid it, decide what’s most important to you and hold tight. If you love her, you just say no to those other impulses.

nightshade's avatar

can you use smaller words please thank you so much for answering

AstroChuck's avatar

If you really have that little self control then you need to seek some kind of counceling. If not with a physcologist or psychiatrist then with a support group.

lovelylady319's avatar

If you have true love, then this would not be a problem. If you love someone so much, you can’t cheat on them. Since you are so worried about your own actions it only raises a red flag with me that you really aren’t in this relationship because you truly are in love. I do believe you are in lust, but if you were in love, this would not be a topic at all… Good luck to you in your relationships…

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gailcalled's avatar

(allen: I see that remedial charm school hasn’t proven successful either.)

mamasu's avatar

I disagree. Sex and love are not the same thing. If you want sex, go ahead and go for it. As allengreen says, “get all the tail you can,” if that’s you’re thing. Don’t confuse it for love though. Sex is an act. To suggest it’s the same as love shows a complete lack of experience and awareness.

gailcalled's avatar

The “tail” might not appreciate that attitude. And he asked about self-control.

@Nightshade; long-distance relationships are difficult enough with committment and maturity. You might want to break up, (or be unfaithful to her with only you as your partner.)

lovelylady319's avatar

Bottom line is, if it is true love then cheating is not even a thought.

allengreen's avatar

nightshade does not need charm, he needs a strong male figure in his life to teach him to be a man, and not be sissified by shrews, and momma figures.
@gail——what is it with you and all your wisdom that you can not address a question——he mentioned self control nowhere——STOP PROJECTING!
nightshade—the same one’s that talk about commitment and maturity will be the first ones’ advising your woman to “go for it” if she posted a question like, “my boyfriend is in another college, and I really like a guy in my math class….”
All in the “self control” camp will egg her on and encourage her to do the deep throat——the same “girls” that are telling you to have control. As you gain more life experience you will become familiar with the double standards for men and women.
If a man cheats—he is a pig.
If a woman cheats——she is exploring her sexuality

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mamasu's avatar

nice call gailcalled. ;~)

nightshade's avatar

omg thank… do much all of you I really mean it

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

I don’t know for sure, but I’ve heard this “I love them and hope I won’t cheat” thing before.

It’s a choice. It’s up to you nightshade. You are in control of your choices. Your male-part does not charge full steam ahead, with you holding onto it saying, “oh no, please. I don’t want to…”

So perhaps you love her, but not ‘enough.’ Not ‘enough’ not to cheat—and that’s probably not okay and not enough for her.

augustlan's avatar

If you know yourself to be a “cheater”, don’t be in a monogamous relationship. I am a woman (allen!) and when I was younger, I refused to be tied to one guy…however, I told them all that I was seeing other people, and did not want to be exclusive…therefore, no cheating. When I found a man that I did want to exclusive with, I embraced monogamy. If you are in an exclusive relationship and often have the urge to cheat, you need to keep yourself out of situations that offer opportunity. Don’t be alone with any other girls…don’t get drunk at parties, etc. Keep it in your pants if you have promised to do so!

nightshade's avatar

I’m a father of two children…..I was I miss them so much they are twins isabel and leon

allengreen's avatar

@night——I take it all back, you omited the part about kids——get your shit together and be a father

augustlan's avatar

Nightshade is having some serious issues, Fluther…please see his latest question (I don’t know how to link).

PupnTaco's avatar

My advice is to use smaller words. Always.

MissAnthrope's avatar

First, ignore allengreen. Based on what I’ve read here, I would never take advice from him, especially on this topic. He seems rather angry and as if he has a big chip on his shoulder against women. That sort of attitude will only get you somewhere with women who like to be mistreated. Not only that, I have a hard time agreeing with such “this is only black and white” type opinions…

I don’t care what gender you are, cheating is dirty and unforgivable. No one is saying you can’t explore your sexuality, but at least have the decency to be honest with your girlfriend about it. To not do so is lying, it’s deceitful, and potentially has some serious consequences for her. No matter how careful you are, there is always a risk of bringing an STD back to her. Let her be informed so she can decide whether she wants to take this risk… don’t keep quiet and make that decision for her.. it’s immoral.

All it takes is communication. If you have a good relationship with your girlfriend, you should be able to talk to her about anything. If you’re apart and you meet someone you like, have a talk with your girlfriend before going and sleeping with the new girl.

If you have a history of not being able to stop yourself, you may want to talk to your girlfriend about this. I would also suggest talking to a counselor or therapist, because most people, when they’re really in love, have no problem not being with anyone else. I know when I’m in love with someone, there is absolutely no sexual desire for anyone else. So, your situation is unusual and you may have some things to work through to get yourself to the point where you can have a healthy relationship.

marinelife's avatar

The way to not cheat is to be honest. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you cannot stay faithful to your current partner, you need to tell her that.

If you are a serial cheater who is going around fathering children and you are unable to stop, you may need professional help.

If you are very young, just be honest with the women you are dating that you are not in the market for a serious relationship. What you need to not do, however, is claim to love someone, say that you will be exclusive sexually, and then cheat.

@allengreen Good to see your took your misogynist pill this morning.

Response moderated
jlm11f's avatar

[Fluther Moderator]: Please stop with the personal attacks people. That goes for everyone. Answer the question, if you disagree with someone, say it without using any personal insults.

As for the Q, I am skeptical about the whole thing, because nightshade mentioned in this thread that he is 17 years old. But he also fathered twins? Not that that doesn’t happen, but the whole thing sounds suspicious to me.

allengreen's avatar

no double standards here! I’m removed for rebuttling an attack on me as being a misogynist.

Love the fairness! Fair and Balanced—like Fox News!

wildflower's avatar

If you want to be with more than one person, you shouldn’t commit to one, indicating there won’t be others.
If you really love this girl, she’s the one you want to be with it and you wouldn’t have this dilemma.

simone54's avatar

How about….

you don’t cheat on her.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

save each other some grief and break up on mutual good terms. Temptation is pretty bad being in two different places, miles apart from other. And it sounds like you already feel like you can’t stay true to her.

Poser's avatar

I think nightshade is the same person as luvorlust. Either way, I think the two of you are better off going your separate ways.

gailcalled's avatar

@Poser; great catch.

Poser's avatar

Isabel and Leon. Tough names to forget. Twins.

jlm11f's avatar

Wow. Great job Poser!! You have a keen eye :)

jaketulane's avatar

Love is not an emotion, it is a driven activity. Love is the will to extend oneself for the sake of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual development.

In “I went to public school” terminology, it means love is when you deeply desire to make someone happy, and protect them from what would hinder that happiness. If you really love her, you wouldn’t cheat as that would obviously ruin her happiness. If you do cheat, however… never tell her. This is called guilt transference. When you feel like a turd for cheating and you decide that you should tell her and come clean, you are, whether you realize it or not, doing that for yourself… not for her sake. Rather than letting it eat you up on the inside you’ve just shared it with her, and now regardless of how she decides to handle the issue, she feels horrible on the inside.

So… to recap:

1. Don’t cheat.
2. If you’re a selfish prick and you do cheat, never ever tell her.

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