How can you make a relationship work?

Relationships aren’t “a game”. It’s real people with real hopes, dreams, and emotions just like you have. The best relationships are begun when both parties have high respect for each other as well as themself.

There’s no room for posturing or game playing.

And yes, women are powerful.

Relationships are more powerful than most people think.
If there is any validity to ‘learning how to play the game’ it’s understanding the vulnerability (both ways) of a relationship, the rewards of real closeness and trust, and the value of skills that help avoid and resolve conflicts.
These things are true about all kinds of relationships, not just hetero sweethearts.

Relationships really aren’t easy, you both genuinely have to love and care about each other, no one is perfect, I wish I knew the answer because I wouldn’t be divorced. I would say (from past mistakes) show your partner appreciation, let them know you care, don’t ever go to bed upset, and never neglect their problems or concerns.

A relationship only works if both parties respect and understand the traffic rules of two-way streets. For women it’s important not to pick a guy and try to change them. This is perhaps the largest mistake you can make. Guys are “what you see is what you get” Expecting anything more will only lead to disappointment and quite frankly will eventually drive us away, far away. For guys the largest mistake is not being realistic enough, they don’t often realize that a relationship involves other factors such as baggage, family and commitment beyond sex. A marriage is not just for the husband and wife it is also for the families of the husband and wife. I would also say that before you even get to that both men and women have to stop viewing their relationship as a negotiation, you have to submit to each other and do so fully. Without trust and respect there simply is no relationship.

Welcome to Fluther.

I don’t often disagree with @snowberry, but this time I surely do. “Relationships not a game?” Oh, that’s wrong! EVERYTHING is a game. Absolutely everything that we do as humans (including making games).

But specifically, what is the problem that you’re having in this particular game (or with this particular player)? Because the game has many phases, from attraction to introduction to holding and keeping interest, to sex, of course (lots of game branching there, too!) right on through to the “end game”. No one likes to talk about the end game, but that’s part of the game, too, whether that is “til’ death do us part” or “it’s not you, it’s me – and we can still be friends!” or whatever ending you have in mind, or can invent.

It’s all a game. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be fun and serious, sometimes at the same time.

It’s all a game. When relationships and emotions are considered a game, everyone loses.

Healthy relationships are not transactional. One does not “get” something in return for behaving in a certain way. Relationship are not subject to an accounting where one or the other is happy because they are getting more points.

A strong healthy relationship develops out of a mutual desire for the other to grow and blossom.

Relationships are not a game, not everything is a game. Some things are simply a state of being regardless if they are in flux or not.

You can’t make a relationship work by yourself. Both parties need to be on board and sometimes it is not about making it work, it’s about accepting it has run its course and to let go with grace and maturity.

@Anonymous05 You, by yourself can’t. It takes two. Good advice above. Friendship and mutual respect and giving 100%.

The most important things are to choose someone that you like, and respect, and have chemistry with. Then make sure that the other person also feels those same things towards you.

How do you know if the other person feels those things? Ask, and then observe their actions. The words and actions should match.

You should also pick someone who shares the same values that you hold dear.

There certainly is give and take in any relationship, but relationships are not games (unless you make them into games, or let the other person turn them into games).

(Mutual) Kindness and respect are probably the most important elements of a good relationship.

Men telling you that you need to learn to play THE game… should either explain exactly what they are talking about, or stop talking nonsense.

I think it’s probably highly unlikely that what they are thinking when they say that is backed up by a useful insight about making a relationship work in a healthy balanced way, although they may well think they have found use of a game metaphor in getting what they want from some relationships. (And sometimes, a game metaphor or even an actual game might be useful.)

The whole approach of “learning to play a game” and having “more of the control over a relationship” seem adversarial and unlikely to be the foundation of a relationship that “works” except in those terms.

I don’t know about you, but personally, I don’t really want a romantic relationship that’s fundamentally about learning rules to a game or comparing amounts of control.

However, I would say that what they may be referring to is one of the ways that women do have great power over men who are relating to them romantically. One of those ways is that women tend to have more developed interpersonal skills and sensitivity for reading moods and body language than men do. Something that women often don’t fully appreciate is how much a man’s emotional state, self-image, and/or ego may hinge on the approval or disapproval of woman whose regard he cares about. But I imagine what they were referring to was probably more about sexual power and/or social status.

As for an actual healthy relationship, that’s a complex subject and is different for every couple. There are many good books on the subject, and even more dubious and terrible ones. One I like is How To Be An Adult In Relationships.

Sometimes it’s best to just let it go before you get 15 years down the line and realize you’ve wasted so much time.

The control you do want to have in your relationships, your personal ‘game’ rules and boundaries, is about you and your character and your intentions – what do you want?
Most people don’t want to hurt someone else, or get hurt, and they want to be treated with respect and compassion in their relationships. Talking about that in a relationship is very powerful. If boundaries and rules sound restricting know that they establish a safe and fertile foundation space for your relationship.

Some are brave enough to bare their soul to their significant other and get hurt and rewarded at the same time. It’s an experience that can show you a lot more about yourself than you wanted to know, never mind what it can show you sometimes about downright incompatible ‘partners’.
A brilliant psychologist calls this the “crucible of the relationship”.
The more a couple trust each other and communicate, the more they can grow personally and together.

Mutual commitments to honesty, trust, intention, compassion, patience, non-violence can make a relationship work.