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Sunshinegirl11's avatar

Are my standards too high? (Dating)

Asked by Sunshinegirl11 (892points) 2 months ago from iPhone

Hi everyone. Can I have your honest opinion?

I’m a 22 year old female, I’ve only been in 3 relationships. All of which were longer than a year. I’ve been single for 2 and a half years now.

I’m not really interested in dating because I haven’t really found anyone I would like to date.

I get infatuated easily, but after a few dates I usually know if I want to pursue them further or not, and usually it’s the latter.

Now my ideal guy is what keeps me from pursuing most men. My ideal guy is tall, handsome, ambitious, confident, intellectual, compassionate, and loves to do things outdoors. These traits are also traits that I hold very important in myself.

In my previous relationships, they were compassionate. That’s a wonderful thing obviously, but the relationships were lacking in all the other areas. I think I’m so picky now because all of my exes were extremely clingy and suffocating. I don’t want to be in a relationship like that again.

I’m currently infatuated with someone now, still getting to know him. He is definitely not my ideal guy, but I wonder if I’m too picky.

Thoughts?

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10 Answers

jca's avatar

You can want what you want, and you may or may not ever find it. For each t hing that’s important to you, when you find someone who is lacking in that or those qualities, you’ll figure out if their “plusses” are better than their “minuses.”

Muad_Dib's avatar

Knowing what you want and not settling for whatever comes along is a pretty good way to go about things, I think.

I’ve dated exactly one person in my life, because I knew what I didn’t want. We’ve been married for 10 years and have an awesome relationship.

Just don’t let your “checklist” stop you from getting to know someone, because a list of preferences should be different than a list of “hard nos”.

Know your hard nos. Those are the really important things. Mine were, for example, tobacco use, hard drug use, and children from a previous relationship.

CWOTUS's avatar

Although I’m a guy – and a much older guy (and I’m sorry, but you’re just far too young for me – even for me) – I have a puzzled reaction to your post.

That is, although would not be your ideal “outdoors” guy even if I were forty years younger, I do a lot of things outdoors, including sailing (boating in general) and golf, and I have enjoyed the time I spend doing “outdoorsy” things, and I know a lot of guys who are passionate about “the outdoors”. They’re kind of “my crowd”, young and old alike. And I can’t think of a one of them that would be considered “clingy and suffocating”. If anything, their wives and girlfriends seem to be more bothered by their time spent… outside.

So my question back to you is, “Where are you meeting these ‘clingy and suffocating’ outdoors guys?” Maybe you need to spend more time in the woods yourself. (Literally, that is.)

Zaku's avatar

I would say that lists are ok to make to try to understand what you think you would like, but should not be applied too strictly, and should not be used as the main orientation to finding someone, unless it’s really a list of things you know are deal-breakers or things you are unwilling to do without.

extremely clingy and suffocating is a reasonable deal-breaker.
definitely not my ideal guy could also be a reasonable deal-breaker if what you want is a committed long-term relationship.

Your list of things you want sounds tricky to find all in one person, and it’s up to you, but I’d probably have most or all of those as desired things but optional, or else you could exclude many people who could otherwise be great matches (but it’s up to you if any of those are actual deal-breakers).

Personally, almost everyone I’ve been seriously interested in or in relationship with has been objectively surprising, supposedly problematic in some ways, not entirely matched any such list I’ve made, and the greatest things about them (and the things that had me be with them) were unique qualities that wouldn’t make sense on a list.

(@CWOTUS My reading of the OP is that the only trait on her list they had was compassionate, so they lacked to outdoors trait.)

CWOTUS's avatar

I understand what she said and meant, @Zaku, but I think that you missed the import of what I advised: She should be looking outdoors for the guys who are already there – so that would be a “perfectly obvious” part of the qualification that was met – then, with that out of the way, look for a good-looking tall guy (probably with a friendly puppy that he’s intelligently training well) to try to meet the others, as well.

Zaku's avatar

@CWOTUS (Oh ok, sure. I was responding to how your 2nd-to-last sentence asked where she was meeting clingy/suffocating outdoors guys, which I didn’t think she had.)

stanleybmanly's avatar

Well since you yourself are tall, handsome, ambitious, confident, intellectual, compassionate and love to do things outdoors, you must certainly appreciate the odds against bagging “Mr Right”. In your age group, those possessing the more supeficial of those traits are virtually hunted to extinction. You can strive if you choose toward the fulfillment of that list, but it sounds to me more like a burden you inflict on yourself in homage to a lifetime of Disney cartoon fantasies. Date people you LIKE, people who make you laugh, people who spark your curiosity. You’re young. LIVE A LITTLE.

LornaLove's avatar

Well, you asked for an honest opinion and to me, that is a tall order. It’s fine to have an idea of what you want and what is very important to you in a person but try not to have a C.V. or resume of what they should be like. Relax and meet people . Meaning get to know the person for who he really is and you may find Mr. Right. He might also be less what you thought you wanted and more of what you really need.

josie's avatar

My ideal guy is tall, handsome, ambitious, confident, intellectual, compassionate, and loves to do things outdoors

Shit, that’s ME!
Your standards are precisely where they should be!
But I’m smitten by another woman.
Next time around maybe.

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