Social Question

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Will you obey your partner's demand to limit your friendship?

Asked by Unofficial_Member (5094points) October 10th, 2018

This is a common issue. Many people around me seem to believe that once you’ve got yourself a partner it’s ‘wiser’ to limit your friendship with member of the opposite sex. Suppose that your partner don’t like how close you are to your opposite-sex friends (while you’re just being friendly like usual with them) and tell you to limit/not socialize with them anymore will you heed their demand?

Suppose that you know your partner is a passive-aggressive person and they tell you that if you don’t heed their advise they can turn the table to you to make you feel how it feels like being in their shoes. He (or she) said “Oh so you still want to be nice with Mr. X, Okay, you know what? Ms. C has been pretty friendly with me in the office, maybe I should enjoy her hospitality a bit more next time. See how you’ll feel about that”. How would you deal with this situation? Will you give in to their demand? People seem to think such a thing is a reasonable demand.

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12 Answers

elbanditoroso's avatar

No. Maybe because it’s that I am old (a person in their 20s might have a different attitude), but no way would I stop being friends with an old chum (male or female) just because my current partner has an issue. My history with that old friend likely predates my partner.

Having said that, I cannot imagine being with a partner who would be audacious enough to make the demand in the first place.

Jeruba's avatar

If the “old friend” is actually an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, though, that changes things a bit.

kritiper's avatar

Since the mate insists, I would comply. And turn around is fair play.

zenvelo's avatar

This is the kind of issue to work out when you are becoming an exclusive couple. At that point the two people need to work ou what each can live with. Some couples are fine with opposite sex friendships, others are not so secure.

ScienceChick's avatar

Any person who asks that isn’t a good partner. Trust is a thing. If someone asked me or expected that of me, they’d be curbed. I’m actually really good friends with an ex’s ex because we met through the common ex. I don’t have anything to do with that ex anymore, but I’m very glad I made a good friend through them. But maybe that’s unique to lesbian relationships? I don’t know.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I guess you’d have to look at it the other way. Would it bother you if your S/O had friends of the opposite sex that they wanted to hang out with, without you?

KNOWITALL's avatar

No I would not give in and it’s completely insane. Unless you are being inappropriate. It’s abusive and a sign of mistrust, as well as jealousy or posessive tendecies.

Sit down and talk it out, but dont allow yourself to be isolated from good friends. It’s easy to give ib because you love someone, but a loving spouse wants you happy.

rebbel's avatar

My partner would go “nope” as well.

Inspired_2write's avatar

No, but it depends.
If you are having dates with the Friend while you are married ,its a problem.
Even lunch dates etc
The problem is possessiveness from your husband is an underlying problem of losing you to another.
Honest communication is needed to find out why this bothers him so much?
Arrange to meet your Husband for lunches etc after awhile he will feel valued and not need to check on you anymore perhaps.
His confidence in his own self is causing the distrust in you..perhaps he thinks that you prefer your other male friends over him?
Course it cannot be a double standard as HE has to concede his choices for female company as well.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Inspired_2write No lunch dates with men except your husband? haha, my husbands friends will come take me to lunch and my husband knows nothing is happening but laughing and some food. I can’t imagine being married to such a controlling man, I wouldn’t.

Mariah's avatar

I’m so glad this isn’t an issue for my boyfriend and I. We trust each other to have appropriate friendships with the opposite sex – not having that trust would be a huge red flag, imo.

I do agree with @Jeruba though that it’s different if it’s an ex. I asked him to speak with his ex less at one point when their close relationship began making me uncomfortable. I felt a bit strange about making that request, but in hindsight I don’t think it was unreasonable.

anniereborn's avatar

It sounds to me like the man in this scenario is an ass. Don’t give me an ultimatum like that or you are out on the street. No, I would not end a friendship. I am friends with two of my exes, but my husband is fine with it. He trusts me and I trust him.

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