Social Question

Allisfair's avatar

Thoughts on sleeping with a married man?

Asked by Allisfair (13points) 1 month ago

That’s it, what are your thoughts? From male and female perspectives.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

52 Answers

janbb's avatar

It’s not kosher if he’s not married to you.

filmfann's avatar

I never do. And the only married man my wife sleeps with is me (occasionally).

KNOWITALL's avatar

If it’s okay with his wife, go for it. If it’s not, you are way out of line and so is he, if he is willing.

Just tell him to move out, get the divorce and stop being a pos.

rebbel's avatar

No harm in sleeping.
Depends on circumstances.
I slept with several men, sometimes with more than one at a time, even with nine, ten….

janbb's avatar

@rebbel But you’re a rebel!

chyna's avatar

No good could come from it. Someone will get hurt from it. And if kids are involved, even more people hurt. If married person wants to step out on their partner, get a divorce.

ragingloli's avatar

Is he hot?

josie's avatar

If you mean literally sleeping with, I guess it depends. When we got stranded by a flight cancellation during a snow storm, I had to sleep with my girlfriend’s sister. Nobody thought it was problem given the circumstances.

Assuming you are not being literal and “sleeping with a married man” is a euphemism for fucking a married man…

First off, from a male perspective it sounds pretty unpleasant. I could only think about it if it was a woman.

And then, it could only lead to trouble. I would not do it. Life is complicated enough without asking for more shit.

SaganRitual's avatar

My thoughts on that are the same as my thoughts on any other relationship: do your best to be respectful to everyone involved. If you sleep with a man who lives platonically with a roommate, it’s no disrespect to the roommate. If you have noisy sex with him and keep the roommate awake, that’s another matter. If your man is in any kind of sexually exclusive relationship, even if it’s just a FWB, then his partner(s) have a good-faith expectation of being kept…abreast of his activities.

They have good-faith expectations on you too, whether they know you personally or not, for you (and everyone else) to honor their agreements, not be a participant in dishonoring them. And that’s any kind of agreement, not just an agreement to sexual exclusivity. His employer has a good-faith expectation on you not to help your man embezzle money from the company.

I have more thoughts. We don’t choose whom we love. Or whom we lust after. One could make some glib comment about how despite those facts, we can still control ourselves, we can still resist temptation. But the only people who say that are people who haven’t ever been tempted beyond their limit. No, no one ever held a gun to my head to make me cheat on my girlfriend in high school. I was tempted beyond my limit, meaning, I was tempted enough to disrespect my girlfriend. Other people would have resisted that much, only to fall later. Others later still. Only the strongest people can resist the strongest temptations. You’re no more beholden to the standards of someone morally stronger than you, any more than that person is beholden to the standards of someone much stronger

M, if you’re out there, I’m really sorry. With any luck you forgot me long ago.

If I were to pass some judgment, I would be unfairly trying to hold you accountable to my capacity to resist temptation. That would be the same as judging you for not being able to lift as much weight as I can at the gym. I’m not bragging or anything, but I can bench at least 25 pounds. I can’t judge anyone for not being as brawny as I am.

You have my sympathy. I just recently did something incredibly disrespectful to a close friend. I was tempted enough to treat him that way. Let me serve as an example for you: I withheld knowledge from my friend that he had a good-faith expectation of having. When he found out, I lost a friend. A good friend. If you are tempted beyond your limit, and you decide to have sex with this man, tell your partner if you have one, and tell your man’s wife. Tell them. I have felt like shit for quite a while, not just because I lost my friend, but also the pain of losing him forced me to think, and I thought about how he must have felt, reviewing our history as friends in light of the vital information I had always kept from him.

Even if you don’t mind disrespecting them now, even if you don’t care about them, take care of yourself. It’s agonizing to think of how much it hurts them, and unless you’re made of steel, you will think about it.

T, if you’re out there, I’m really sorry. With any luck you’ll forget me.

canidmajor's avatar

Recognize that there will likely be unpleasant consequences if either of you is expected to be exclusive with someone else.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I hope you aren’t thinking of sleeping with him because you love him. He’s a two timer.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Definitely NOT.
But to be fair a lot of men do not disclose that information while travelling away from there wives.
If in the future you are married,how would you feel if it was YOUR husband sleeping with another woman?
If women in general don’t allow married men to be with them then perhaps we as a group of women can eradicate straying mates practices.
If a man does that then if he divorces and marries you he will do the same to you to.

flutherother's avatar

The institution and the idea of marriage is to prevent this happening but human nature being what it is it does occur at times. What is interesting is that the married woman usually blames the other woman in the case rather than her husband.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

I find it disgusting. Not to be a hypocrite, I have been in NSA relationship before and have no problem sleeping with random men that I don’t really know about, however I draw the bottom line where if they’re already in a relationship then they shouldn’t even bother as I won’t allow myself to be treated as the third person and be included in a possible drama in the future.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

I often sleep with a married man, but only the one who’s married to me.

Why would anyone want to get involved with a two-timer, even if the relationship is purely sexual? Why would a person with any decency and integrity want to violate the sanctity of marriage, which I do believe is sacred?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Love_my_doggie Because they’re in a loveless or sexless marriage, but they were raised marriage is forever, happy or not. I know someone in that sad situation but he doesn’t cheat, just relies on God to get him through it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think @Love_my_doggie was asking why any one would want to get involved with a two-timer. She wasn’t asking what pathetic excuse the two timer has for two timing.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III In that case, a lot of men play the ‘poor me’, ‘my wife’s so mean’ card very well in order to get what they want.
He probably has this woman convinced that 30 minutes with him will fix everything and it will not. He will use her for ten minutes, and go back home….just my experience based on life.

ucme's avatar

No, I can categorically confirm no such thought has ever ruminated through my mind.

kritiper's avatar

No problem so long as his wife or her husband is sleeping between the two in question.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@ucme you are so funny!

stanleybmanly's avatar

I think it’s tough to generalize on the situations in which people find themselves.

janbb's avatar

@stanleybmanly You have a point. We don’t know details.

Patty_Melt's avatar

I’m against it.
When I was in the Navy, I had opportunity to view a lot of things from such a different perspective.
Marriages, and their troubles, and sometimes strange arraignments. Men’s perspectives, from the work aspect, and how to some, that was their life, and marriage was a time off thing, or even more like a hobby.
There was a man I worked with pretty closely sometimes. Gawd did we have a chemistry thing going. I swear I could be in a room, and if he walked past the closed door I could tell.
Sometimes he tried to seduce me, and I would decline. Sometimes I would weaken, and give him an open. He would say, “I love her”, and grudgingly we would walk in separate directions.
The closest it ever got, we met going around a corner. We were alone, completely. It was sudden. We stopped just shy of collision. We just stood there, eyes locked. My hands came up, and touched his sweaty t shirt at the waist, rose slowly over abdomen, and chest, tightly muscled, to his neck. He trembled as noticeably as me. Our breathing, like a beast shifting anxiously between us, within us, powerful, seething.
My hands drifted down his shoulders, chest, and half that six pack, and I pushed myself back from him.
I said, hoarsely, “I hope she appreciates how much I respect a woman I never met.”
He said, “I do.”
And that had to be good enough for me, because I would never have told her how strong was the temptation, how close I had come.
And that was as close as it ever got.

raum's avatar

You can’t choose who you fall in love with. But you can choose who you sleep with. And you can choose to respect yourself.

Pinguidchance's avatar

Euphemism is a red rag to a bull in a china shop, part and parcel for the course, too cliche for me.

seawulf575's avatar

Well, if you did it on a drunken binge as a one-night stand and only found out later he was married, I wouldn’t get too wound up about it. You were looking for a little fun and he was the cheating horn-dog that was available (or was the most interesting). But if you are talking about planning on an affair with this guy…don’t waste your time. The fact he will cheat on his wife speaks volumes about his character. You put yourself into the position of being a “home wrecker”. You stand the chance of getting repercussions from his wife/family. If you are thinking he loves you and wants to be with you then you need to think about the fact he probably said the exact same thing to his wife at one point. He will never be faithful to you. There is no win for you in this except for the excitement of a taboo relationship (which will go away).

tinyfaery's avatar

I will always maintain that an outside observer can never know what happens between two people in a romantic relationship, married or not. I will never judge a “cheater” or the person he/she “cheats” with.

Kardamom's avatar

It’s a pretty good bet that someone will get hurt. Even if you can’t see that now.

Despite all the ideas that people who are in lust “can’t control themselves” that’s BS. It’s always a choice. It might not be fun, or pleasant to walk away, but it is 100% possible.

canidmajor's avatar

So much assumption without information! We were given literally no information beyond “sleeping with a married man”, and so many think that means that their pre-conceived notions apply to all circumstances.

canidmajor's avatar

No, @Dutchess_III, they don’t, necessarily. I appreciate that you have likely not met any who would share information about their alternative arrangements about that with you, but there are lots of people who don’t share your narrow world view.
It was just discussed here. https://www.fluther.com/208667/nsfw-if-a-human-male-married-to-a-human-female-has/

Dutchess_III's avatar

If people go into a marriage with an agreement that they can have sex with people besides each other, then it’s fine. But most people don’t. Most people make a promise of exclusivity. And that’s what we’re talking about here.
If the OP has permission from the guy’s wife to have sex with him, then it’s fine. But if she HAD permission, she wouldn’t be asking us, would she.

canidmajor's avatar

We don’t know anything about the OP’s question, @Dutchess_III, so your assumption that it applies to “most people” is just silly, and based on your own preconceptions.
If the OP comes back and supports your views, then my point still stands, as we are now working only the information given.
Why are you sure @Allisfair is “she”?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Why would she, or he, bother asking us if it was perfectly fine to sleep with the guy? It would be a silly question to ask it it was fine.

canidmajor's avatar

Only in your little world. Knowing that there are a vast number of possible answers based on a myriad of social customs and mores across any number of cultures, @Allisfair could (not unreasonably) be tapping into that.
Expand your perceptions.

Patty_Melt's avatar

OP specified “your thoughts”, as with a poll, not a personal dilemma. In that sense, there can be no wrong answer.

Dutchess_III's avatar

A promise is a promise, except in your world @canidmajor. I understand that in your wildly broad culture lying and cheating in order to get laid by someone other than your spouse is perfectly acceptable.
In my world, I say don’t make a damn promise if you aren’t going to keep it.

MrGrimm888's avatar

My ex was still married when we first started our relationship. She was seperated, but still married, and was having trouble getting her husband to sign divorce papers. She was legally married for 3 out of the 5 years we were together.

We threw a big party when she finally got divorced.

Oddly, our relationship began to break down after her divorce. On/off until she seemed to go crazy. I finally broke up with her. Almost a year later, we got back together for a month, and she wanted to marry me. I reluctantly let her back into my life, and then she went crazy again and left me. Again… After that, I blocked her calls, and cut her from every aspect of my life.

When I first met her, she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring, never did. When I found out she was married, I told her that I didn’t want to be a part of adultery. I broke it off, and felt pretty good about that. She later convinced me that she was completely seperated from her husband, and that divorce was imminent.

The only thing I learned, is what I already knew. I’m attracted to crazy girls….... Have I changed my behavior, with this knowledge? I have not…...

kritiper's avatar

Were the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn’t. It sounds like trouble from the get-go.

canidmajor's avatar

And in your world, @Dutchess_III, all cars are Chevy Malibus, “red” describes only one shade, all dogs are German Shepherds, and your gender is solely defined by your genitalia.
That’s basically what you are saying.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Damn! Somebody hose down the mud pit!
Jellies gonna go at it!

stanleybmanly's avatar

It’s just that looking back on my youth, I dare not criticize others for succumbing to their libidos. All of us realize the deceit involved with cheating, but it’s a virtual impossibility to navigate a sea of temptations, particularly when you’re new at it. There are just too many frustrated horny people roaming the world. Of course I would prefer to view my immature self as the victim, preyed upon by married women. Yeah-that’s the ticket!

Kardamom's avatar

Everyone experiences horniness, except for a very small segment of the world, who consider themselves to be aesexual, or who have for whatever reason, lost their sex drive. The current President of the United States, pedophile priests, and teenagers. Not everyone gives in to that temptation. Each individual makes a choice. Everyone.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s right @Kardamom. If having sex with someone else is going to damage a relationship that you’re in, you need to decide what’s more important…that relationship or your next orgasm.

raum's avatar

I think paring it down to horniness is a little dismissive. Relationships can be more complex than just raging hormones.

MrGrimm888's avatar

^Agreed. I know that some people cheat to get out of relationships. Some for revenge.
Lots of various motivations…

Dutchess_III's avatar

If it’s for “revenge”, well that’s an unhealthy relationship to start with and it’s going to end sooner or later anyway,whether they cheat or not.

But I don’t understand why a person would cheat to “get out of a relationship.” Why don’t they just…get out?

Dutchess_III's avatar

This meme popped up on my memory feed: “Ladies…just in case you’re confused. God will never send you someone elses husband.”

MrGrimm888's avatar

It’s scientifically proven that females find married/taken men more attractive. You know that I can’t provide a link, but it shouldn’t be hard. I’ve read a lot of research on it…

Men are no angels… Just saying. The articles all suggest that the male viewed as married, was given extra points (by the females) for already being successful in starting/keeping a family. An admirable quality of a potential mate…

Dutchess_III's avatar

I suppose that could be a factor. It sounds logical, and we women are quite logical when it comes to matters of the heart, but it was an instant “NOPE!” for me.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther