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dopeguru's avatar

Why do I feel awful about my boyfriend lying to me on this matter?

Asked by dopeguru (1388points) 3 weeks ago

My boyfriend and I have been through some arguments over the course of our relationship. One of them was when he did coke at a party he attended by himself. Prior to that, I didn’t know of his drug use. We talked about it and I expressed I didn’t want him to do it especially since we live long distance, are very serious and that’s not my kind of scene at all. He said he did it every week last year, and before that rarely but still have been doing it since he was 18. I asked him if he had ever had sex on drugs, and he said no abruptly in a very serious manner, said you can’t have sex on drugs, especially coke, that it is not that sort of drug. Last month we were talking about molly and I asked him if he had sex on drugs again, and he did say no again.

Last night I asked him the same question when we were discussing drug use briefly. Not sure why I did but perhaps part of me sensed he had lied. He told me he did have sex on drugs, plenty of times. Okay…

I questioned him more as I was upset about it as these were news to me. He said he used to do it 3 times a month every year, and would sleep with his ex girlfriend while on coke.

This made me incredibly upset. I couldn’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking, “How could he lie to me”, and the thoughts of him coked up and sleeping with someone can’t escape my head and is making me devastated.

Why do I feel this way? Is it normal to feel this way? I tried hard to think why, so that I can maybe move on from it with peace, but can’t figure it out.

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25 Answers

MrGrimm888's avatar

I can say that there are many things that I have to consider “none of my business,” in regards to a love interest. But I have a personal thing about never being with a girl who even occasionally does coke. It does take some otherwise awesome girls off of my menu, but it is the only way for me. I know that I could NEVER fully trust a female that has a history with coke. I can’t speak for being with a guy, as I am a heterosexual male.

I find that a good rule of thumb, is to distance yourself as far as possible from people on hard drugs.

That’s my opinion. But it is an opinion based on foolish/real experience.

People on hard drugs are a lost cause…. I know that seems terrible, of me, to say. But it’s true.

I was in a relationship with a girl who did coke, when I was like 18. I learned that I could never trust her. We had a rule, that if she wanted to be with me, no coke… She had lots of trouble honoring that. Like most girls who do coke, she was highly susceptible to pathetic men who use coke to get laid, or get a girl hooked so they could use her for a bit.

I have a few friends that used to do coke. They ALL admit, that they couldn’t turn it down if it was offered to them. Even if they hadn’t done it in years…

Honestly, just being around someone who does hard drugs is risky. If they don’t rob you, one of the people they bring around might.

“Why do you feel awful?” Because part of you realizes the sad truth of what’s going on. If you really are honest with yourself, you already know what to do, and that sucks, and will be difficult. But, you know what to do. You can live without this coke-head, and will thrive and not just survive.

Think about his dependence on drugs. Are they really that different from your seemingly endless dependence on men?

As a fellow human being, I understand some of your plight. I realized that I was inviting problems into my life, by being with the wrong girls. Each person has baggage. Be aware of it, and think about how it will affect your life, if you bring them in. There are many other people who don’t have that baggage. Target them…

Good luck.

Peace n love.

janbb's avatar

This is an aside, but didn’t you say you were married a few months ago, dopeguru?

dopeguru's avatar

@janbb Yes, we are married. I didn’t know I confessed that here. Oh well.

Dutchess_III's avatar

He’s a druggie and he’s a slut. Time to move on.

janbb's avatar

@Dutchess_III She’s married to him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

So? My ex-husband turned into a slut so I moved on.

janbb's avatar

@janbb Not saying that she shouldn’t just that it might be more complicated.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It’s always complicated. But he’s a drug abuser and he’s sleeping around. It can get a whole lot more complicated from here.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@dopeguru I am very curious as to why you phrased your question the way you did (“Why do I feel awful about my boyfriend lying to me on this matter?”) , as though you think maybe there is some reason you shouldn’t feel awful about it? It would be a deal breaker for me.

dopeguru's avatar

@Dutchess_III Well he is saying he wouldnt react like I do, that it isnt a big deal… So I am doubting my anger. He didnt cheat by the way, i learned that he lied about ever having sex all coked up

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sounds to me like you have a whole bunch of problems all wrapped up in this one guy. Besides lying, cheating and drug use, he is also gas lighting you.

kritiper's avatar

You feel awful because your inner voice, your conscience, is telling you that it’s time to break loose and find another boyfriend. One you can trust.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
KNOWITALL's avatar

You married him, either accept it or try to change him. If he’s cheating, thats a dealbreaker on coke or not. Better watch your money and stuff if he’s a junky though. Is he snorting, smoking or injecting? That could tell you something, too.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
augustlan's avatar

Taking this situation as a real one, I think there are a few separate issues here. You’re upset that he uses drugs, that he never told you he uses drugs, that he’s had sex while on drugs, and that he lied to you about having sex while on drugs.

It sounds like his drug use is recreational not an addiction. Many people would be fine with that, but it’s fair for you to consider it a deal-breaker if that’s how you feel. Not telling you about it is sort of a lie by omission…he shouldn’t be hiding things from you.

Once you knew he’s been using drugs for quite a while, why does the fact that he had sex while high bother you? This is a bit baffling to me, if the sex was before you were together. Lying about it, however, is unacceptable. He should have either told you the truth, or told you it was none of your concern.

For me, the lying is the biggest problem. Being lied to by a loved one about anything pisses me right the fuck off. If my husband made a habit of it, he wouldn’t be my husband for long.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Right? And why would he lie and say he DID have sex while on drugs? And why would she believe him when he said he lied.that he didn’t have sex while on drugs? How could she possibly know which one he is lying about? The whole situation is really fubared.

dopeguru's avatar

@augustlan I asked him if he’s ever had sex while on drugs 4 months ago. He said that I’m being ridiculous, because if you’re on coke you can’t get an erection. I asked again and he said no, he’s never had it. I even suggested we can do it just to experience it together. He didnt say he did it before even then. I feel betrayed.

I will list how I feel,
Because the lie is about sex and intimacy, it hit me harder as we are in a serious committed relationship where I thought we were honest.

The lie caused me a great loss of hope in our sex life,
disappointment in him for not telling me what he enjoyed doing,
insecurities/sense of worthlessness,
having a negative image of him because I used to see him as purer, better (but it wouldn’t be the case if he‘d been honest),
I feel rejected his most intense experience,
jealousy of that experience because i thought it was nonexistent for months,
jealousy of that experience because I was excited for it being our first in the future.
Along with a sense of loss. I asked him questions about it and he said it was also the roughest he ever had. He said if he disregarded that it was because of the effects of coke, it would beat our times.

I really don’t know how to feel better.

dopeguru's avatar

I’d also like to apologize from the people I’ve confused here. I think because the responses helped me so much throughout the years that I didn’t reply back or explain the situations better, or took my previous questions into account. I’m so sorry!

dopeguru's avatar

@MrGrimm888 He says he wont do drugs again—he is not addicted right now.

I know thats what dishonest druggies say…

But I watched him say no, and he quit cigarettes in a blink after smoking fr 8 years..

I just dont know how to be okay with the lie about sex.

MrGrimm888's avatar

I’m not trying to stir up anything here, but it’s definitely possible to get an erection, on coke. Younger partners do bumps during orgasim. If the guy is older, he may indeed have some issues there, but “can’t get it up on coke,” is not true.

I wish it were true.

dopeguru's avatar

@MrGrimm888 Bumps? It makes it better?

I now know its not true. He did it plenty of times on it…

MrGrimm888's avatar

“Bumps” are small amounts of coke. “Lines,” or “rails,” and such terminology are just slang words for the amount, or way people are doing it.

There are many ways to take the drug into the body. It can be sprinkled into weed, injected, put in the tip of a cigarette, or almost any way.

It is HIGHLY addictive, and current drug laws make it a life altering substance to get caught with. Coke should be treated like the plague. It is to be avoided, at all costs. Don’t believe me? Give it time…

mari_fink's avatar

Why are you staying in relationships with him?

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