General Question

honeybun35's avatar

Should I let my lover know that I have feelings?

Asked by honeybun35 (226points) 2 weeks ago

Since I’ve been in a sexual relationship with a friend for years I would like to tell him how I feel. I am not sure if it’s a good idea or not He wants to be the only person I have sex with. I am soley hooked on him because we do spend time together whenever we do get together.

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34 Answers

elbanditoroso's avatar

I thought that this guys was a FWB, not a lover.

- you’re not supposed to have romantic feelings for an FWB.

- He’s not supposed to put demands on you.

Have you been fooling yourself for the last 20 years?

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jca2's avatar

Do you go out to dinner or take trips or is it just he visits for sex?

seawulf575's avatar

Step back and take a hard look at your relationship. If it is strictly sexual…that’s really all you are together for…then you need to think about if the sex is that good. If you guys spend a lot of time together, it is more than sex and he knows it too. In the end, either way, you need to think about what you want and tell him. If you don’t, you will find time has gone by and you have not advanced into what you want. At that point you will be upset with yourself and it will sour your relationship with him.

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kritiper's avatar

Sure. It may not help but it couldn’t hurt…

jca2's avatar

@honeybun35: I don’t keep Jellies’ posts in my head. I went back now and looked at your responses, and I see you wrote on one “many years ago he would come over and we would watch movies.” That doesn’t tell me about what’s going on currently.

honeybun35's avatar

You are missing a lot

jca2's avatar

I gave you the GA just now, @honeybun35. OK so please tell what aspects of your friendship are more like a relationship and less like FWB. I see that you wrote that after sex he sleeps and you get food. What else?

filmfann's avatar

Years ago, I was involved with a FWB. After we stopped, and I married, she told me she had wanted us to marry, but was afraid to say anything.
That would have changed everything.

honeybun35's avatar

Are you judge and jury what else you want? We do it all known him 18

jca2's avatar

@honeybun35: I’m not the judge and jury. Just trying to answer your question by figuring out if you’re more than FWB (and therefore, if you’d get a positive response or a negative one from him).

The only way to know is for you to tell him and see what he says.

Good luck.

honeybun35's avatar

Well thanks it just seem as a battle but I get you

jca2's avatar

My impression was that your spending time together is minimal (no talk about trips or vacations or parties or dinners) but if you say it’s not, then maybe you have more of a relationship than what you indicated here.

Just ask him. The worst that can happen is he says no, and then you can continue to be FWB if you want that.

stanleybmanly's avatar

18 years and he doesn’t know? You’re telling us that you’re hooked and he isn’t. If he is satisfied with the relationship and you aren’t, it’s up to you to change it or move on. Can you move on?

jca2's avatar

Meeting each other’s families too. You’ve met his family, he’s been to yours?

honeybun35's avatar

Yes we were neighbors

honeybun35's avatar

No I can’t move on I caught feelings

rebbel's avatar

Wouldn’t you like to know whether he’s got feelings too?
Or if you already do know what he feels, okay, all the better to make an informed decision once you’ve told him your feelings for him (and hearing/seeing his response).
Cause telling him your feelings is the only way you’ll find out what he thinks about them; we, or nobody really, can’t tell you that.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@honeybun35 You know the answers. If you actually believe you can’t move on, you should at least put to the test what is already obvious to you and brought you here. Tell him what you receive from him is not enough, and that counter to all indications, you will dump him and seek fulfillment elsewhere. If the sex isn’t enough for you, it’s up to you to change that one way or another.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Let me tell you what it’s like from the other side. I had a FWB for 15 years. He was a dear, dear friend who I loved…but, was NOT “in love” with him!!! I thoroughly enjoyed his company; but, I could NOT have a one on one relationship with him. Deep down he knew that, but he grew attached, told me he loved me, & said he couldn’t move on. That totally scr/ewed up the FWB that we had. Once that I knew that he had crossed the line into expecting more than I could give him, I couldn’t provide anything.Thw sex STOPPED, the friendship STOPPED, & I met & fell in love with my soulmate. We got married & my former FWB was forced to move on.

Now, your guy might be different; but, I’m guessig that he’s not that different or he would have let you know. You may tell him how you feel & e might say he feels the same way too & you 2 live happily ever after…OR…he might react like I did & cut you out of his life where you WILL have to move on whether you want to or not!!!

As was pointed out, you’ve given us way too little info to make an informed response. I personally feel that you’re getting ready to play a lousy game of Russian Roulette & I can’t see the outcome at this time. So, I guess my answer would be…do whatever it is that your heart tells you to do…just be prepared for the worst that can happen just in case he doesn’t take it as well as you’ve fantasized in your dreams!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

janbb's avatar

With the amount of obsessing you’re doing about it on here, i think it would be productive for you to talk to him and figure out what you both want.

chyna's avatar

Might as well. At least you would find out where you stand.

Zaku's avatar

This question doesn’t even let us know what “feelings” you mean.

And what do you mean by this: “I am soley hooked on him because we do spend time together whenever we do get together.”?

The way I read that, it sounds pretty weak, but again I don’t know what you mean.

I think the thing to do is to learn about how to communicate clearly, and then to be honest in relationships. But it seems like from the wording of these questions that there is a lot of work to do to get there.

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MrGrimm888's avatar

I would tell him. It’s clearly a splinter, in your mind. It will change things. For the better, or worse, you’ll never know until you talk to him.
Sometimes, in life, you have to go all in.
The fact that you’re neighbors, could make it far more complex…

I know that my ex, and I started out as FWB. Then she broke it off suddenly. Then, weeks later, she had time to think about it, and told me she loved me. After I thought about it, I realized that I had feelings for her too. It certainly hurt me, when she broke it off. So. We got back together, as an actual couple. We had about 2 years of a great relationship. Then, she dumped me out of the blue again. Then, we got back together again, and got really close. Then I dumped her, because she became suddenly distant. Then, months later, she convinced me to get back together. She talked about marriage, and children. I gave her a chance to see if we could be seriously together. Things went amazing, for a couple months, and then she dumped me again. She really fucked my head, and heart up. BAD.

But. Now she is married, and has a child, with leukaemia, less than a year old…

I am completely flummoxed, by the whole thing. I completely cut her from my life. I don’t plan on ever speaking with her EVER again. I feel terrible, for her child. But part of me feels like I’m glad she’s suffering. Because of all the shit she put me through. Another part of me, is deeply saddened, over her suffering.

Life’s a Hell of a roller coaster ride. I wouldn’t trade our good times, for anything. But when it was bad, it was killing me.

I guess… I’m saying that you will simply need to be prepared for just about anything. But. There are few rewards, in life, that come without risk. And the future is impossible to predict.

I can say, that it sounds like you will always regret rolling the dice here though. That might be worse, than whatever ramifications come from letting him.know how you feel.

As crazy as my story was. At least I can move forward, knowing that I tried. That alone, gives me some solace…

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raum's avatar

Being glad that someone who hurt you is hurting, I can understand.

But being glad that they are suffering because their child has leukemia?

Come on, Grim.
You’re better than that, right?

MrGrimm888's avatar

^As I said. I’m conflicted. I wish nothing but good things, for the child.

I can’t begin to explain the things it’s mother put me through though. If it were up to me, I’d love to have never even heard anything about my ex, at all. EVER. We have mutual friends though, so I heard about it.
But having cried myself to sleep over my ex, countless nights, it’s hard for me to be empathetic for her suffering. I don’t want her to suffer, I just never want to know a single detail of her life. There was some speculation that the child could even be mine, but the time line doesn’t really add up. It would not be beneath her, to hide the fact that we conceived a child together, without her telling me. She was very manipulative, to put it lightly. And tried to pull pregnancy games on me before. I think I know who the father is. He had just gotten married, and had twins, right before her and I last were together, but still pursued my ex. So, he’s a sack of shit too.

I think I want to be content with her suffering. But, I admit that I am realistically just sad for her. Even after everything she put me through…

I have to admit. Most of the damage she caused in my life, is my fault. Just for being stupid enough to let her talk me into letting her back into my life, so many times. But I still loved her. The person who I am most mad at, is me…

Again, I hope that the child makes a full recovery, and doesn’t even remember, whatever it has experienced. As for her, she is dead to me.

“Your better than that right?” I hope so. I’m just being honest that I am confused with how to feel.

I don’t know how to better articulate my feelings, any better…

raum's avatar

I can understand that. Sometimes feelings aren’t so straightforward.

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kritiper's avatar

Yes, you should.
Right in the middle of love making, scream “OUCH” right in his ear, then explain the sudden cramp you felt.

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