Social Question

steelers13's avatar

Is not having a girlfriend a red flag to women?

Asked by steelers13 (193points) October 21st, 2020

I’m 23 and I’ve never had a girlfriend before, I haven’t had much luck in the dating scene. But is not having a girlfriend a bad thing to women? Is it a red flag? Will they not want to date me anymore? And if so then why? It’s not like I’m this bad boy who just doesn’t want any commitment. I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend but things just haven’t worked out in my favor I guess.

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16 Answers

snowberry's avatar

I have a daughter who had never dated until recently. She just wasn’t interested in any of the fellows around her, until about 9 months ago. She’s 30, and she’s loads of fun to be around. Now she is engaged.

Stay busy, be interesting, and do social things. Anything that you could do in person would work- from hobby clubs to church to school to sports.

Pandora's avatar

At 23 I don’t think so. But be aware that women still like it when a guy makes the first move to show interest. Like, ask her on a date. You have to be willing to accept the rejections with grace and not be creepy. You see guys sometimes that are less than desirable have some of the nices woman next to them. Confidence is key, but make sure it doesn’t slip into arrogance or selfishness. Also key, hygiene, and smelling nice but not overbearing.
I remember with my husband two things that did stick out. His confidence, and his scent.

janbb's avatar

If you had a girlfriend you wouldn’t be available for them, would you? And there’s no need to tell that you’ve never had a girlfriend, at least not at first.

@Pandora ‘s and @snowberry ‘s advice is good. Participating in an activity you enjoy and are enthusiastic about is a great way to meet someone.

KNOWITALL's avatar

My redhead jealous soul would love that you have no exes to worry about. I agree with @Pandora, confidence in yourself and what you have to offer someone, should be your focus. Best of luck!!

gorillapaws's avatar

I think think it’s more of a hindrance than other people are letting on. They may not even be aware of it, but women are more attracted to men who have an attractive partner. They’ve been “vetted” by someone else that has other options and is therefore choosing to remain with this guy. That’s worth a lot of points—if only on a subconscious level, even if they don’t realize their brain is tallying those things up.

It’s not a total deal-breaker though, but it will put you at a disadvantage. Just be yourself and as @snowberry correctly recommends, do social things and you’ll run into people with common interests. That will lead to good things. Let things develop naturally, but don’t be afraid of asking a girl out.

kritiper's avatar

No, I have never felt that way about being single and how it might appear to women.
Now how it may appear to men is a different story! It is my suspicion that many men think I am gay because I don’t have a girlfriend.

steelers13's avatar

So I have asked this question many different platforms and well, the women on these platforms have given me mixed responses.

Some say it isn’t a big deal to them but its in a way concerning because they want to know why I haven’t had one. I’ve even see some who say they wish they could find a guy like me, haven’t I heard that phrase a bunch of times haha. And some have told me that they are their current partner’s first girlfriend, so that makes me optimistic a bit

And others have said it is a red flag and that they find it weird. Some say they would even dump me or ghost me because they think that its creepy. Which I guess means to them in order to get a girlfriend I would have to already had a girlfriend which just doesn’t really make much sense but I guess I understand it.

Also alot of people see my question as a sign that I’ve never been on a date or asked anyone out before. Or even kissed a girl before. To clear it up I have done all of that, I even have had sex a few times, however non of these girls have ever wanted to go any further, none of them really wanted a relationship outta me. I wish I knew what I keep doing wrong I wish those girls would tell me so I can fix it, but hey I guess I’ll never know. Thank you guys for all your responses! :)

gorillapaws's avatar

@steelers13 ”...non of these girls have ever wanted to go any further, none of them really wanted a relationship outta me. I wish I knew what I keep doing wrong I wish those girls would tell me so I can fix it…”

There’s nothing to fix except being so insecure that you feel like you need to fix yourself. Just be yourself, don’t worry about what they think. Be respectful but not a doormat. Being too accommodating can be read as insecure, lacking confidence etc. which are not good. Wanting to get too serious too fast is also a bad idea. Just play things casually and if things go well, eventually she’ll be the one that wants to make things more serious.

Pandora's avatar

@steelers13 Now that I know you’ve dated it could be a number of things, either your are a boring conversationalist, or too demanding or act too indifferent (like they are boring you) or your sexual performance is lacking. I once had a friend who never knew what it was to climax because her husband would get his and roll over and go to sleep. Or you keep finding woman who only wanted sex and nothing more and felt you were getting needy. When I was single I ghosted two guys. One that was extremely possessive after one date, and another one that I really like and dated for a while, until he kissed me. I wanted to puke. His tongue was colder than a dead fish packed in ice. I actually got on a plane and left the country and then broke up with him by mail. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason. But I couldn’t repeat that again ever. Never, ever. The people who told you they would never date a guy who can’t keep a relationship, tend to be immature people. Relationships are complicated. And sometimes it’s all about chemistry. So many people are still wrapped up in the idea that it’s like the movies. Sometimes it’s easy right away and sometimes it’s not. I actually couldn’t stand my husband at first but he grew on me quickly. This year we will have been together for 39 years. Love it a funny thing.

longgone's avatar

To me, that wouldn’t be a red flag. I like to trust my own instincts, not other people’s. It’d be infinitely more important how you treat me and if we’re compatible. I guess I might ask for some background information, but your honest assessment that you’d like one and simply haven’t found the right match is nothing to be embarrassed about.

In fact, I would probably be impressed by you. I’m not at all into the boisterous “confidence” some guys put on. My husband is pretty sensitive and (for the most part) admits insecurities or faults. To me, that’s extremely important.

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steelers13's avatar

Thanks again for all the comments! I’m glad to see that there are girls who don’t see it as a bad thing. I did get rejected recently so I don’t think I’m going to be able to solve the never having a girlfriend problem anytime soon, so that sucks for all the girls who think thats a red flag, I would’ve love to go out with them but I haven’t had a girlfriend yet. Sooo yeah can’t date them yet haha. But anyways on a serious note I guess getting my first girlfriend is going to have to wait because I really need to find something interesting to do in life now other than that. The more I try to get a girlfriend the dumber I feel. I’m starting to feel like I’m making a fool out of myself now every time I start to catch feelings for someone. And when I get rejected its just a bunch of unneeded pain, and I’m tired of feeling this all the time from every girl that I’ve grown to like in my life. But who knows I might meet a cute girl tomorrow and want to go through this all over again. Because, I guess one day It’ll go differently for me.

snowberry's avatar

Are you focusing only on the “pretty” girls? There are a lot of lovely women who haven’t found a soulmate either. Open yourself up to women who do not meet your culture’s version of beauty.

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snowberry's avatar

Try getting to know them as people first. Look for a sense of humor and kindness. It’s called “inner beauty”, and inner beauty is lasting, while outward appearances are fleeting and tend to be artificial. If you find a woman with inner beauty, you’ve found a gem.

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