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Hiyabois's avatar

I need advice with my friends, how do we get closer?

Asked by Hiyabois (6points) July 9th, 2021

I recently joined a new friend group and due to this I’ve had a lot stress recently. Like I said Im fairly new to the group so a lot of these people have been friends for years already so i kinda feel out of place. I don’t even know if they like me or if Im just forcing myself into the group. They FaceTime all the time but nobody ever calls or text me. Or when we go to youth group together, their always like “oh where are you going to sit” to each other but no one ever ask or acts like they want to sit with me, most the time they don’t even leave room for me to sit. And if do call them, or sit with them, or whatever it feels forced and awkward because Im the one who had to take action. Im in a group chat with all of them but even in there it feels like Im being ignored. Every time I talk to them I feel like Im being annoying and I just want to be able to be friends with them without wondering if theyre judging me .Don’t get me wrong, I think they like me but just not as much as the other people in the group.I just want to know how I can get closer with them and feel more liked. Is there thing I can do to test if they like me. I just want to feel included. I struggled with anxiety and insecurity issues so I don’t know if this just me over thinking everything but because of those issues I also feel like Im not good enough to be there friend. All thats been on my mind lately is if they like me or not.

Also would it be weird to just ask them if they want to Ft. And if not should I do it in the group chat or directly to one person

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4 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Thank you for trusting us with your situation. It took courage to write to us. Good on you!

Making friends is always touchy. I suggest you relax when you’re interacting with them and be yourself. Proximity breeds closeness. Participate in activities with them, and let them get to know you. Gradually they will think of you as part of the group.

I once moved to a new city. I had to find my own friends. I would arrange dinner outings with a group and instigate game nights. I did the work. Sometimes, no one was available. That’s just luck. Wasn’t my fault. After many months, I became a natural part of a group. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time.

Take some deep breaths, and remember that making friends takes time. Good luck.

stanleybmanly's avatar

You’re not going to understand or believe this, but being popular’s one of those things that if you worry about it, you will only make yourself miserable. I’m old and assume you’re in high school or perhaps younger. Don’t worry. It takes time for a new group to adapt to you. IT WILL HAPPEN. For now, just pay attention and learn who’s who and what’s what. The great truth that you should always keep in mind and actually tape on whatever mirror you use every morning is this: If you simply develop the ability to listen and take an actual interest in people, you will be the most popular person in the group. Try it and let us know in a few weeks. Patience.

Pandora's avatar

I recommend you work on building your confidence. Just like you are getting to know them they are getting to know you. It helps if you are good at something. Most groups end up having people who fill some parts of the group. You have your talkers, your planners, and your buffers. Buffers are the people who can usually work with the shyer people in the group. You have your comedians, and the person with the crazy ideas that are often fun and you have your serious people and those who observe and usually offer good solutions to problems. Groups are like tiny communities. Find out which niche you can fill and work on that. I’m not saying to be something you are not. I mean look for something you see that is missing that is in your ballpark and work at being better at it.

Now it could be there is someone in the group who is very much like yourself. If there is then observe what makes them popular in the group.
But confidence is key. Don’t be clingy. That makes people uncomfortable. Give them space and time to know you.
I remember my kids in High School. They had a group of friends from school that they always hung around. One year there was a new kid in Junior grade. He always dressed in black and kept to himself. Then one day on the bus the kids were joking around and he joined in and say a joke that would be offensive to most people. It caught the group by surprised and some laughed outloud and others smiled at how he said it. It caught their attention. He had been on the bus for some weeks and never said anything.

Well my kids thought he was amusing and invited him to our home. He seemed quiet on the Bus before that but it turned out he was far from the quiet type. My kids friends were a bit on the quieter side but once he enter the group they all became more vocal. In a short while he was like family but it did take about a year to fit in with everyone. My kids were military kids so they learned to making friends quickly. But the secret is be yourself and be confident.
If this group ends up not fitting, don’t feel bad. You will find someone to hang with. Also groups are a bit trickier than trying to make friends with one or two people to start. Groups can turn on each other no matter how long they have been together because people change as they grow and sometime they outgrow long time friends.

stanleybmanly's avatar

And don’t fool yourself. If these people are your friends, there should be no questions such as these. At least you have the perspective to understand that the “problem” is but an invention of your own mind. It’s a mistake to assume that since you are tolerated, it is evidence you are not liked “enough”. Enough for and by whom?

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