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alura_4_u's avatar

Five years divorced and I still love him; how do I get over him?

Asked by alura_4_u (1points) April 15th, 2009

My ex and I were married 15 years. I just can’t seem to get over him. How do you do it? Five years is a loooong time; I don’t think going out and doing my thing is going to make much of a difference at this point. And yes, I’ve dated. I’ve even had some longer term relationships. But I always end up ending them because I realize how unfair it is to be with someone when I’m still in love with someone else. I am at the point where I just am not sure what to do to get past this anymore. Any suggestions?

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14 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Why did you get a divorce?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You have to take a risk – let him know

oratio's avatar

I know what you are talking about. I have no idea how to remove love from the heart, it would be such a relief to be able to do that. Yes, maybe you should let him know.

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Darwin's avatar

If he hasn’t moved on you could try rekindling things, especially if the two of you know how to fix the problems that caused the divorce the first time around. Otherwise, you might consider talk therapy – the right counselor can help you figure out why you are hanging on to him emotionally and aid you in figuring out how you can let go.

You can also just resolve to get on with your life and deliberately distance yourself from him. Possibly you can’t forget him because you haven’t met the right person yet, or possibly you just aren’t letting yourself forget him.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

uncalled for, your comment – last time I checked being on this site doesn’t necessitate us not caring about the ‘kids in Africa’ and you answering the question is just as much a waste of time as you think asking it is…after all, peace corps awaits…

Blondesjon's avatar

Start sleeping with him again. You are still in love with a memory. Get to know the reality and you will move on.

oratio's avatar

@Ownage How is this an attempt to answer her question, I wonder, and not just a way for you to vomit your own bitterness all over others?

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Has he moved on and found another woman? There’s probably been several in a 5 year span. If he’s moved on then it’s long past time for you to do the same.

Longing for someone you can’t have is unhealthy and will halt your life dead in its tracks.

chyna's avatar

Blondesjon has a very good point. The memory and reality are two different things. Is he in the position to get back together with him?
If so, maybe you should try and either it will work, or you will remember what it was that made you two divorce in the first place. If he isn’t available, all I can suggest is therapy.

Macaulay's avatar

Do you have children? If so, how old?

RedPowerLady's avatar

What is it about him that you are in love with?? You should really explore this question. Do you already know? It is very likely that there is something about him that you are having a hard time letting go of.

Having said that I believe that love isn’t something you “get over”. You will have to learn acceptance instead. Just accept that yes you still are in love with him and that nothing is going to come out of it. And say to yourself, now that I’ve accepted this what can i do to be happy? And just go about living your life. Acceptance is one of the most difficult things we can accomplish as humans. It is very hard to accept things for what they are and still be happy with them.

Also keep in mind that love evolves. This will evolve into something else. And without kindling to keep the fire burning it is likely to die out. You just have to learn to be happy in the meantime.

Zen's avatar

This might sound callous and short, but my answer is: maybe next year?

I had been divorced (and still am) for over 10 years til I found someone, and even then it was on and off. Give it some time, and stay positive.

Good luck!

hatingdivorce's avatar

i am in the same situation as you. i ask myself everyday why cant i love someone else the way i love him. i think my situatiion is because we have a child together. i know that my parents (who have been married 37 years) stayed together just because of us children. not saying this is the thing to do, but if you can see any good that will come out of getting back together, let him know asap. dont wait for him to make the first move.

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