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Ansible1's avatar

How would you act towards this guy? He kissed my g/f.

Asked by Ansible1 (4836points) August 11th, 2009

So my g/f went out drinking with some friends and this guy that she used to work with kissed her….THREE TIMES! After she told me this happened I asked her a few dozen questions about the scenario, most of all I wanted to know: Why didn’t you say anything to stop it!?! g/f is a completely non-confrontational person and she explained that he just ‘went in’ real fast as they were talking and she pulled away each time. She didn’t say anything b/c she didn’t want to make him feel bad or create an uncomfortable situation. I met this guy only once, no real conversation just handshake talk…“so you’re amy’s boyfriend eh?” ..“yep nice to meet you”...“nice to meet you too”...sort of thing. I’m bound to see this guy again when we go out, part of me wants to punch him in the face (what kind of jerk are you to kiss a girl who you know has a b/f? really…) but I can restrain my caveman instincts. I won’t resort to physical violence but i’m def. not going to be friendly. Is it a bad idea to confront him about it? Should I just try to ignore him?

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39 Answers

La_chica_gomela's avatar

And after the first time, she didn’t say or do anything about it or even stop talking to him? If I was in your shoes, the other guy would be the last of my concerns…

dynamicduo's avatar

I agree with @La_chica_gomela. The more telling issue in your recollection is the fact that your girlfriend did nothing to stop this. So even if you deal with this guy, what happens when another guy makes a move? Are you OK with having your girlfriend being kissed because she chooses not to stand up for herself?

Kiev749's avatar

it would be on… as the kids would say, It would be on like donkey kong.

chelseababyy's avatar

If I was your girlfriend by the way, I’m also non-confrontational after the first kiss I would have said something to him and left. Why wait for it to happen again, because obviously he did it once, he’s not scared to do it again, and he will do it again.

You need to honestly talk to her, by staying and talking to him, and not even saying “Why would you do that?” she let it happen.

ragingloli's avatar

he is competition.
you better start offering more to your gf

Bri_L's avatar

I would let her know how you saw the incident and how you felt about her non-reaction. I would also let her know that she needs to be a little more respectful of your relationship than that.

As far as the guy I would politely let him know that you don’t appreciate him kissing your girlfriend. I would do it with people around so others hear what he is like too.

whitenoise's avatar

The guy is not dating you so he holds little responsibility towards you. In my mind it is between him and your girlfriend that they kissed. That doesn’t take away that I understand that you don’t like her kissing other men, so tell her that.

If he kissed her while she let him know in any way she didn’t want that, three times. then shouldn’t she go to the police? In any case she should be furious.

If I were you, I wouldn’t like the guy, but still ignore him. Talk to your girlfriend. Does this influence your relationship with her? If so, how can you help her preventing this from happening again? If she doesn’t want help, make sure that she understands that she hurts you by allowing herself to be kissed. She should care about that…

Violence is not the answer, this is about your feelings!
In any case… chin up! Tough times.

Ansible1's avatar

@dynamicduo that is exactly the point i made to her, but we have talked it out and she admitted she was wrong to not say anything. I want to make it clear that I trust her 100%, she would never cheat on me, the fact that he kissed her and got away with it was solely because like I said she didn’t want to create an awkward situation. My focus is on him, and back to my original question how/if I should bring this up when I see him next.

marinelife's avatar

If you believe your girlfriend is sincere in saying she did not want to be kissed, she needs to learn to set physical boundaries real fast, or she will get in real trouble in the world.

She can hold her hand up when someone moves toward her and say, “Stop.” No explanation is necessary.

If you are going to encounter this guy again, I assume she is too. If so, she should call him or text him or meet him in person (with you as back-up if she wants) and say something like, “I was so shocked at your actions the other night, I was rendered speechless. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I did not want you to kiss me, and don’t try to touch me again. That is assault.”

As to how you should act, back her up, but she has to get some cojones here.

You don’t have to be cordial to the guy.

shortysith's avatar

I have mixed feelings about this. Being in a situation where a guy kissed me when I had a boyfriend, I told the guy flat out it was not ok to do that, and he backed down. I don’t like being mean to people either, but I loved my boyfriend and this friend’s behavior was unacceptable. Now, the fact that she told you this guy did this makes me feel your girlfriend is pretty trustworthy. However, she let it happen three times. That is a little weird to me…she could have left the situation and still not be confrontational or mean about it. If she plans on seeing this person again, I would also make a point to her about standing her ground. He WILL try this again! She can’t even let him get near doing that again and even if she is a sweet person, he will try again and it will endanger your relationship. As for you, I wouldn’t stir up trouble if I didn’t have to. You telling him anything isn’t going to STOP HIM FROM TRYING if you aren’t there with her. She ultimately has to say something, but you don’t have to be cordial with him. If he were to try that in front of you though, kick his ass once and for all :) haha

Ansible1's avatar

@shortysith good advice. and yes if it were to happen in front of me, like @Kiev749 said, it would be on!

Jack79's avatar

As others have mentioned, the interesting fact here is that it happened 3 times, and your girlfriend did nothing to stop it after the first one. Anyone could be caught off guard the first time, but after that, no matter how non-comfrontational she is, there are a variety of options available, and sitting there and letting the guy do the same thing 2 more times is not one of them. What if he had wanted to rape her? Would she just sit there and spread her legs, and not shout “help” so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable? Even if we accept that she didn’t want this to happen on any level, allowing it to happen (ie allowing herself to be a victim like that) is still an issue. So, she either needs a chaperone next time (in which case you should also beat the crap out of the guy next time you see him and set an example), or she needs to learn how to react in such situations so that it doesn’t happen again. Otherwise anyone who feels like a kiss (or perhaps more) will be using your girlfriend, knowing there’s no consequences.

personally, this whole thing stinks, but I don’t know enough to pass judgement

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Don’t waste your time on this guy, but dump your girlfriend. Today. Even the most non-confrontational person can keep from kissing someone 3 times.

Grisaille's avatar

All’s fair in love and war. The guy isn’t at fault here.

I hate to be a parrot, but your girlfriend sucks.

teh_kvlt_liberal's avatar

I’d punch him in the face.
Then I’d punch her for not resisting and pick up a hooker

Ansible1's avatar

@Grisaille you can’t be serious…you think he did nothing wrong?

Bri_L's avatar

@Ansible1 – did your girlfriend know that he was aware you were dating?

Grisaille's avatar

The first time? Sure.

Second time and third time? Nope.

He obviously sees her as someone that doesn’t care about her boyfriend (you, in this case) and is just advancing on her. Is that wrong? While I’d never do that, no. I don’t think he’s wrong in this scenario.

Your girlfriend? She’s the one to be upset with. She’s the one who let this happen, to let it get this far. The guy is the insubstantial, obligatory variable.

Ansible1's avatar

@Bri_L Yes
@Grisaille “and is just advancing on her. Is that wrong?” Yes! how is that not wrong?

Grisaille's avatar

“He obviously sees her as someone that doesn’t care about her boyfriend”

Think about that line for a moment.

chyna's avatar

Hmmm. Seems highly suspicious. Was there tongue contact?

Bri_L's avatar

@Ansible1 – Then there is a huge problem here. He knew you were dating. He knew that you knew. She knew that he knew. And still let it happen. This is all kinds of wrong. That guy is one giant piece of banta poodoo.

hug_of_war's avatar

If you kiss someone knowing they are dating someone else and they show no resistance, what’s to stop you from trying again?

Ansible1's avatar

@Bri_L to your original post: is there a polite way of bringing this up?
@chyna no it was a peck. as soon as he moved in for the kiss she pulled away

Quagmire's avatar

He kissed her three times because when she did not stop him after the first kiss, he figured she liked it. Are you sure it was only three kisses? Hmmmmm

Dude, your gf doesn’t allow strange guys to walk up to her and kiss her, I’m sure. The way she would stop (ex.) ME, she could stop him.

I’d be concerned. Plus it’s a slap in your face.

Bri_L's avatar

@Ansible1 – If it were me I would just say, ” I have to bring this up because it is really bothering me. I spoke with (insert your girlfriend’s name here) and know you kissed her not once but three times. This was after we talked and you knew she and I were dating. She and I have talked it out and all you need to know is that is isn’t ok with her. And I want you to know it wasn’t and isn’t ok with me either.”

And if you want to throw in a “I don’t know what kind of man goes and does that when he knows the set up” you would be justified, but I wouldn’t the first time around.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

If she’s so non confrontational as to let another person kiss her against her will 3 times in a night, that is a significant problem in your relationship.

Master's avatar

Punch him first, break up with her later.

Jack79's avatar

I have an idea. Punch him, and then if he doesn’t resist, punch him 2 more times ;)

Resonantscythe's avatar

Let me tell you a little story.
My ex-girlfriend, who lived with her parents, caught the attention of her step-father’s business partner’s son, who was staying over at her house. Now, he step-father didn’t know about our relationship, and neither did this guy. She told me that he had given her flowers and asked her out. She told me about this and I asked her to let him know she was taken, or (because of the situation with her father, a racist) tell him she wasn’t interested. So she laid this story on me that she couldn’t tell him because it might get to her step-father and she didn’t want to start trouble etc., but swore she loved me and wanted to be with me etc. This was may.
Last I heard she’s moving in with the guy.

So I offer you this: see where she stands where she really stands. As had been said before the much bigger concern here is your girlfriend. Someone who was in a happy relationship would do something to stop such behavior after the first time, so you’ve got some serious talking to do with her. If, after the talk, she (thoroughly) convinces you of her commitment to the relationship, then and not before, worry about this guy.

If it comes to that, I’d say give a through explanation to this guy that both you and your gf are happy in your relationship, and neither one of you think what he did is at all acceptable. that is, after you break his nose

Quagmire's avatar

I think SHE and ONLY SHE has to confront him. In front of her beau.

BUT, Just the same, I don’t like the idea that she let him kiss her at least three times. That would concern me. What if he grabbed her ass three times?

Bri_L's avatar

@Quagmire – THERE you go. Bring her in front of him. Have her ask him “why did you kiss me when you, knew we were dating?” You’ll get the truth from both their reactions.

Quagmire's avatar

@Bri_L, I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or supporting my comment for real. Just the same, do you think the guy will be truthful to her beau?

Bri_L's avatar

@Quagmire – I didn’t even think of that. I was being supportive. The ass hole kissing guy will of course tell it like it was. The girl friend will be faced with how it really was and @Ansible1 will get to observe both of them. He will also get to lay the rules down and watch the reactions.

Tearofdeception's avatar

I have a question… she’s telling you that she pulled away for the three times… AFTER HOW LONG?

So he tried 3 times… and achieved 3 times… it’s wrong, and your girlfriend should’ve at least told him off… no matter how “non-confrontational” she is. I would do this :

1— Give her an ultimatum, that she needs to tell him that what he did was wrong and that she isn’t interested in anything else but friendship

2— If she refuses, dump her…

Good luck!

Bri_L's avatar

I want to hear how this turns out!

teh_kvlt_liberal's avatar

I hope he took my advice and made some fatalities.

Gaignun87's avatar

I would most definitely jack the dude in the face, for my own satisfaction and for everyone else who has a girlfriend that he’s probably hit on.

As for your girlfriend, there was a number of things she could have done to avoid being kissed after the first kiss, even without being confrontational.

Personally, I feel like you’re judegemnt has been clouded by your relationship. It seems like your desparately clinging to it when in actuallity you should be running the other direction as fast as you can. I made that same mistake once and was much worse for the wear in the long run.

Besides, if your girlfriend truly cared for you the first kiss would have been the last.

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