General Question

lovemypits86's avatar

Will he cheat again?

Asked by lovemypits86 (564points) December 28th, 2009

When i met my husband he was stationed here in charleston when i met him he started volunteering at the shelter i work at and he isn’t my type once so ever but i was attraced to him for some reason and we started of as friends and i was a single mother at the time and was very careful who i brought around my son. my husband is well mannered came from a very well off family. and was kind of a golden boy. i’ve always told my self guys in the service always have a girl back home and sure enough he did by the time i found out he had already ask me to marry him. i love him like no other. well we worked it out and i forgave him but i still have this itch that i feel like he might do it again. but it seemed like he was honestly sorry about what he did and i took him back but i can’t get over it. he is the most kind hearted giving, caring person i know he adores me but i still can’t help but think theres that small chance he might do it again. what are some of ya’lls veiws?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

48 Answers

Likeradar's avatar

He’s the most kind hearted, giving, caring person you know… I wonder what the girlfriend he was cheating on when he proposed to you would say about him?

Cotton101's avatar

good answer Likeradar!

lovemypits86's avatar

the only reason i decided to work things out with him bc i felt like he was honestly sorry for what he did

Buttonstc's avatar

The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

The fact that he is considered a golden boy also does not bode well. They tend to have had a lot of their behavior overlooked all their lives because they’re perceived as so “wonderful.”

Follow your gut instinct. It’s your life. But that’s my opinion fwiw.

Snarp's avatar

Was he married to the “girl back home” or was she just a girlfriend? Frankly, cheating on someone you’re not married to isn’t the same. Especially if you are miles away and meet someone you do want to marry. This isn’t necessarily the behavior of a serial cheater. When did he tell the girl back home? All these things matter.

lovemypits86's avatar

thats good advice buttonstc i don’t feel like he would do it. i’ve cheated in the past.

ucme's avatar

Sounds like a Dolly Parton track to me.

Cotton101's avatar

people change…that is a given, but there are “red flags!” so, be cautious!

Val123's avatar

@Snarp Those are my thoughts. Being married isn’t the same thing as having a girlfriend.

SarasWhimsy's avatar

Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. If you really think he may have changed and want to move forward, do so but watch for red flags. And, if you really think he’s changed why are you having thoughts that he hasn’t? That’s a red flag to me.

HighShaman's avatar

The stats seem to prove that a person who CHEATS just once ; will indeed CHEAT again in the future….

mowens's avatar

Cheaters cheat.

lovemypits86's avatar

snarp she was just a girlfreind it wasn’t all that serious and i felt bad for her bc she didn’t know what was going on and i never knew anything bc she said they barley talked anymore

OpryLeigh's avatar

I do not necessarily believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” saying but what I do tend to believe is that if they cheated on a person once then they are more likely to cheat on that person again. For the most part if someone needs to cheat on their partner then there is something wrong in that specific relationship but that doesn’t mean that they will cheat on every partner they have. He obviously didn’t love his previous partner enough to stay faithful to her but that’s not to say that he will cheat on you. If he loves you enough and you both work on keeping the relationship strong then fingers crossed he won’t feel the need to go elsewhere.

Val123's avatar

Yes, she was just a girlfriend, and not even a serious one at that. I mean, come on. If you were single, and involved with someone, fairly casually, but you met someone else who you fell madly in love with, someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with…would you seriously walk away?

So, how did he handle the break up with her? Did he do it soon after he met you? Or did he play her along for a long time? That’s really the crux of any problem there might be.

Cotton101's avatar

Again, people can change! Don’t completely shut the door, but always keep one eye open!

I’m like Leanne on this one….people do mature and grow up! Some take longer than others!

Likeradar's avatar

@Val123 Of course I’d walk away from the person I was casually seeing- but I hope I would have enough character and integrity to talk to the person before getting too involved with someone else.

Like @Cotton101 said, people do mature and grow up- but hopefully it happens by the time a person gets married.

lovemypits86's avatar

Val123— we met and about a month later he asked me to marry him and about 2 days later i found out about the gf when she called his phone at 3 in the morning. she said it was okay bc she had met someone else too. i just can’t understand why if he didn’t love or care for her he just didn’t leave her i would nerver expecting him to do something like that

skfinkel's avatar

Be happy, don’t worry.

Likeradar's avatar

How long have you been with him total?
You agreed to marry him after a month? Maybe you’re worried because you barely know this person.

Maybe he’s an amazing wonderful guy. But it’s not like you gave yourself a chance to find out if he’s faithful.

I’m cynical today.

Snarp's avatar

I think there are serial cheater who will do it over and over again, but even these people can change. In this case, I don’t think you have enough evidence to consider him a serial cheater. There appears to have been some communication problem in the previous relationship, and youth probably played a role. But for now, the best thing you can do is not think about it. Don’t get eaten up with jealousy over something that doesn’t exist, which is what harboring these suspicions will lead to.

lovemypits86's avatar

i’ve been with him for about a year and since that mishap there hasn’t been any other problems it was only rhe one girl and i see my self growing old with the person. i think it was just a lapse of judgement on his part

CMaz's avatar

“i still have this itch” “i can’t get over it”

You know the answer.

Likeradar's avatar

@ChazMaz I agree with ya, fwiw. People don’t ask strangers on the internet about their relationship issues if there’s no issue.

TLRobinson's avatar

@lovemypits86-as a woman, we don’t usually ask an infedility question, if we don’t know the answer already. If you are asking, something has happened to bring about your insecurities. You know him, we don’t. Trust your gut.

Buttonstc's avatar

The plain fact remains that he could just as easily have broken up with the previous girl BEFORE he proposed to you. A lot of the other things that I and others have written
Is opinion and speculation.

But this is a fact. THIS is how he chose to do things. It would have been far far easier for him to have broken things off with her first. But he didn’t.

To me that speaks to a mindset of entitlement on his part. That’s just the way I see it.

Perhaps the reason why his apology sounded so sincere and heartfelt is cuz he’s had a lot of practice.

He could have chosen the proper order and avoided hurting two people. But he didn’t. So why? I’m sure he’ll probably come up with some type of reason but I don’t think I’d be impressed.

But my guess is that you’re going to marry him and I hope for your sake that this was an anomaly.

But I have a hunch that may not be the case. If I were you, I wouldn’t be in a big rush to have any kids with him right away.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. I find it strange that when a parson cheats he/she is either never forgiven or believed to have another cheating episode in their future. Now odds are that most people who cheat seem not to think of the hurt and humiliation cause by their cheating, much less the lack of trust and respect. People who cheat either don’t get it or they don’t care. They do not see that they are doing something to another person but thinking about how they want it perfect for them.

But not all people who cheat or cheater, just as all people who ever stole something a harden criminal or anyone who ever took a life a murderer. Some people got weak and stupid, the reasons for it, who knows? You can give him some rope and see if he hangs himself. How is he acting now? Is he trying to e secretive or seclude parts of his life as if he was a deep cover spy? Having strange disappearances at weird hours? Seemingly important call he says is no one important or it was nothing? If we looked at these douche bag drunk drivers the way we look at cheater or those who got caught cheating, the morgue would be a lot less littered with toe tagged bodies.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

i felt bad for her bc she didn’t know what was going on and i never knew anything bc she said they barley talked anymore

My favorite Woody Allen quote: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

When someone is “in” a long-distance relationship without a plan or commitment, it very quickly becomes a dead shark. And sometimes it’s difficult figuring out how to dispose of the said dead shark.

It doesn’t sound like there was any long term commitment on either part, and perhaps confusion on hers. Marrying a member of the armed forces is not for everyone, and breaking up with someone in the service is hard for lots of women to do. I wouldn’t give it another thought. A guy who uses his free time doing volunteer work is not exactly cheating material, IMHO. I would chalk it up to the fact that you blew him away…he couldn’t help but propose.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

Hes stationed somewhere other then home, sorry to say youre a single mother and thats not his child…i hate to say harsh things but i really dont think most guys who are gonna date a single mother care too much if they hurt them or not. They usually think “hey she has a baby daddy to run back too”. Ive seen it happen to a few friends.

Likeradar's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot Wow. I have three friends who are single mothers, and they are all dating really great men. Assholes are assholes, and while many of them look for someone they can take advantages of and perhaps a single mother may need to keep her eyes really wide open, it by no means implies most men who date mothers are careless. Your comment really is offensive to all the high quality men out there who fall in love with a mother and her child/ren.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

@Likeradar And i live in a realistic world, where most people are assholes. Im sorry but i didnt say EVERY MAN. Im saying most guys who get with a single mother already know what theyre getting into, dont really care for that persons child, takign advantage of someone (the mother) who really may want something serious and they just want a side chick, as her husband did.

Likeradar's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot I guess your experiences have led you to believe most people are assholes. Mine haven’t. I feel kind of bad for you for that.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

@Likeradar Why? Im a guy and wouldnt date a single mother myself. I just see where her husband is coming from.

CMaz's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot gets a GA just for the name. :-)

lovemypits86's avatar

That was kinda harsh. i never wanted kids but i couldn’t live with out my son now. something really bad happened to me and i got my son out of the deal. and i don’t have a ’‘baby daddy’’ to go back to he’s a loser i haven’t spoke to in years so that’s that

Likeradar's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot You’re admitting you can relate to a man who cheats on a girl with a single mother because and might be using her as a “side chick”?

Man, I am so glad I’m not still dating.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

I wouldnt do it, nor do i condone cheating on someone but lets be realistic here. Single mothers have baggage and sometimes are vulnerable because they want some sort of relationship or wanna get back into the dating scene or whatever the case may be. Guys are gonna take advantage of that.

My friends would joke around about single moms saying “At least you know they put out” and are they really that far off? Im not trying to come off as a jerk but come on now.

Likeradar's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot Assholes are going to take advantage of the single mothers who just want some sort of relationship. Good guys will not. Your friends sound like schmucks.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

@lovemypits86 so does her husband, guess im the one she should listen too huh. i seem like the expert here.

lovemypits86's avatar

You say you are a realist?

mellow_girl's avatar

once a cheater always a cheater! that’s what i believe, can you trust him? if your answer is no then maybe you shouldn’t be with him. i mean do you really want to spend your life with someone you can’t trust?

lovemypits86's avatar

i might be stupid but i trust him

Val123's avatar

@mellow_girl There is a difference between having a casual girlfriend, and then meeting your love and switching gears, and having made a serious commitment to someone and going out on them.
@lovemypits86 I think you’re fine, and you should stop worrying!

lovemypits86's avatar

thanks val1213 i really do just think it was a little bump in the road at the start. haven’t had any more problems i’m smarter than him

Val123's avatar

@lovemypits86 Out of curiosity…how old are you?

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

@lovemypits86 youre smarter then HIM, yet he hid another gf/wife from you? touche.

lovemypits86's avatar

i’m 23 but have had a very rough life and had to over come alot of things and my age doesn’t really factor in. and i am smarter than him bc i felt like he was hiding something and wouldn’t tell me so i took upon my self to figure it out.

Buttonstc's avatar

But, did you figure out WHY he chose to do this ?

It’s not as if he just “forgot” that he had another girl hanging on a string. You say he told you that that relationship really wasn’t going anywhere, yada yada.

And yet he chose not to end it and also to hide it from you. That is just so shady and makes no logical sense.

Was he keeping her around for a possible little fling later? If not, why bother keeping her around at all.

I just have a sickening hunch that you aren’t getting the real story from him. The entire thing sounds very manipulative. As I said, very SHADY ( where it was totally unnecessary to be that way at all).

That indicates a total lack of respect for you and the other girl. The fact that you had to find out about it and confront him with it does not speak well for his honesty. Would he have told you about her had he not been confronted ?

But, it’s your life ( but unfortunately it has repercussions for your child as well).

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther