General Question

AlyxCaitlin's avatar

What if your close sibling hated your new s/o?

Asked by AlyxCaitlin (933points) February 20th, 2010

What would you do? What if they both hated each other? Would you choose between your girlfriend/boyfriend or your brother/sister? You don’t even have to choose; would you talk to them individually and have them try to come to a settlement?

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30 Answers

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Give them clubs and lock them in a room together. It will all be settled by morning.

Steve_A's avatar

I would most certainly talk to them and to the bottom of it, my siblings are important to me.

If it is a issue with them, I would want to know why and see what we can do about it hopefully we can reach a compromise or understanding….

Who knows they might end up enlightening me or the other way around.

faye's avatar

How old are you and are you blinded by love?

AlyxCaitlin's avatar

@faye Actually my brother is in a relationship and a really dislike his new girlfriend. I’m trying to get advice from his point of view so I can understand better. I’m mad at him for having the girlfriend, but I don’t want that to lose that too. I don’t want him to feel pressured either but we’ve been super close lately and now some girl I hate is going to be hanging around my house with him. He’s 22 and I’m 19

Alleycat8782's avatar

My younger sister is dating a guy I don’t like either. I know that puts you in an extremely tough position but honestly you have to come in terms with your brother and accept that this girl is going to date him. You can’t possibly “change” the people that he wants to date.

faye's avatar

A lot of 22 year old boys are only working off testosterone. Give it some time.

ETpro's avatar

That would definitely be a bummer. I think I would want to sit down and talk it through with them, because I wouldn’t want to loose a brother or sister’s affection, but I also would not want to give them veto power over my personal choices in relationships.

Dan_DeColumna's avatar

In retrospect, maybe I should have listened to those siblings.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@AlyxCaitlin In your case, if I had a legitimate reason for disliking my siblings SO, for example you know they were unfaithful,or just a bad person all together, that would probably in the end, end up hurting my sibling, than yes I would say something to them. But if its just something like our personalities crash, but they are an overall good person, I’d try and keep my mouth shut, my SO picked them and I should respect that. If one goes against that respect, they run the risk of destroying their relationship, they force their sibling to chose a “me or her” type of thing.

ChaosCross's avatar

Tell your siblings to lighten up or you will pee on them. If they don’t, pee on them.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

My sister and I have never been close. She always resented being in my shadow. She kept her life and mine as separate as possible and we never discussed our thoughts of each others’ S/Os. Maybe she could have saved me some pain and helped me prevent some of the errors I made or maybe she would have just let me find out for myself.

Sarcasm's avatar

I trust my siblings very much. If they have a reason to dislike my new gal pal, I would ask them for their reasoning.
It would not surprise me if I was blinded by my lust for this new girl that I looked over some big issue. I would love to have my brother or sister point it out to me.

That said, my brother and sister do not control my life. I am my own man. In the end, they should bugger off and leave me to my relationship if it makes me happy.

galileogirl's avatar

We generally kept our opinions to ourselves. As time went by we were proven correct. I had a sister-in-law who was so controlling she screened my brother’s calls. Shortly before my Dad passed we were all together. 9 sibs, spouses and children. When we wanted to take a family picture, she wouldn’t let her teem-age sons join because they hadn’t finished eating.

MacBean's avatar

Speaking from personal experience, here is my advice: Explain your issues with this girl to your brother. Then accept that he is a big boy and has to make his own mistakes. When it turns out that the girl is bad news and you were right, don’t say “I told you so”—he’ll know it—and just do your best to be supportive.

My sister (15 years older than me) is married to the biggest asshole on the planet. He’s controlling, abusive, a drug addict (cocaine), a pathological liar… He’s also that batshit crazy sort of religious—he agreed to a drug test once because he was certain God would make it come out negative because He was on his side. Seriously. The man is dangerous and insane. I saw through his I’m-so-charming act the first time I met him and tried to tell my sister. But she didn’t listen. Now, several years and two kids later, she’s trying desperately to get out of this shitty situation but he’s got her isolated hundreds of miles away from everyone she knows, so it’s difficult. Not a day goes by when I don’t want to point out that if she’d just effin’ listened to me, she wouldn’t be so miserable. But I don’t. I just listen to her, try to give her the best advice I can, and… bitch to other people about it. Heh.

Sophief's avatar

I don’t have any siblings, but my dad hates him, and I have had to choose. I didn’t want to because I love them both, but not choosing wasn’t an option, so I chose my boyfriend. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

partyparty's avatar

@Dibley Poor you for having to make such a decision. I sympathise. Is there a valid reason your dad hates him? Have you or your dad tried to make friends?

Sophief's avatar

@partyparty Not that he has told me, no. Just hates him, and thought one day it would be a good idea to attack him! I tired to make friends but my dad wasn’t interested.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Sometimes you get more mileage with being softly critical than judgmental. Being judgmental will put your brother on the defensive. By judgmental, I mean “I hate her, I can’t stand her, she’s unbearable, she’s whiney.” Instead focus in on discussing traits that you’re surprised are compatible with your brother. Spend some time figuring out why a person would enjoy spending time with the person.

Keep in mind is that you know your sibling as a sibling and family member. People often have a different self-image of themselves that can be very different from the way they were raised. There is some separation from family as you become an adult.

My younger daughter was very attached to her sister’s old boyfriend. She cannot warm up to her current boyfriend, who is very good to my older daughter, and is a great boyfriend. He’s just not friendly towards my younger daughter, and is somewhat judgmental. My older daughter told me some things he said about her sister; they’re true, but are not the whole person. Although he keeps his thoughts to himself, he avoids her, and is not inclusive towards her. On the other hand, the old boyfriend was not the best boyfriend in how he acted towards my older daughter.

What you see of the person is not the whole person.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I’ve seen this happen several times, where a close family member took a serious dislike to another family member’s significiant other. In every case like this I was able to study a bit, there was a valid reason why the sibling didn’t like the S/O. My recommendation would be to discover why your sibling doesn’t like your S/O and then make a judgment call about the validity of their concerns. Sometimes those who love us can see things we cannot.

Cruiser's avatar

She would knock some sense into them with a few love taps and they will then love her as much as I do or else! ;)

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

I would be forced to compartmentalise my life, and make sure they didn’t meet again. I wouldn’t risk straining the relationship with either person.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

If one of my siblings told me that,they would have a very good reason. I would take it into consideration for a second,then do what I want!;)

Silhouette's avatar

Why do you really dislike her? Will you like any girl your brother is with?

lonelydragon's avatar

When I was in this situation, I stood by my SO. I reasoned that there was a good chance of spending my life with him, while I would obviously never marry my sister. Also, my sister was the type of person who liked to tear me down emotionally, so I knew that she did not have my best interests at heart when she criticized my SO. So, should you listen to yours? That depends. If you have a good relationship with her, then her objections may be worth hearing. But if not, then you should follow your own instincts and maintain your relationship with your SO as long as you’re happy with him/her. The conflict may subside over time as they get used to each other. In my case, my sister got used to his presence after a while, and now they get along peacefully.

Disc2021's avatar

Depends on the situation.

Generally, I wouldn’t “choose”, rather, I’d confront them with something like ”(close friend or sibling), this isn’t about you, this is about me. While I understand you dont get along with or care much for them, I love this person and I want nothing more than all of us to get along or at least be civil. When you dont manage to be civil whenever they are around it may seem like you’re spiting them but you’re ultimately only hurting me.”

Again, this is situational – especially with you since you live with your brother and this will directly affect the relationship between the two of you. Perhaps you should try talking with your brother about your concerns in the most non-hostile, non-pressure tempered way you can. In your shoes, I would keep my concerns solely between me and my brother and the relationship that’s being affected, I would keep my contempt for their SO to myself and try to refrain from lashing out about it as that would only break things between the two of you more.

Scooby's avatar

Let battle commence!! :-)

pearls's avatar

I always listen to what my siblings had to say, but in the end it is my decision.

YARNLADY's avatar

My sister and I are practicaly twins, born 11 months and two weeks apart. I trust her with everything. If she did not like my boyfriend, I would drop him like a hot potato.

TheJoker's avatar

I would want to spend some serious time finding out why my close sibling was anti my SO. Your sibling knows you very well, cares for you deeply, so they must have some sort of reason…. even if it’s just jealousy. Either way, you need to find this out before you make any decision.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

you said “I’m mad at him for having the girlfriend”
that’s not an appropriate response, imo.

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