General Question

Ammolite's avatar

Do you have any advice on moving out?

Asked by Ammolite (72points) March 29th, 2010

I’m in my 20s, and moving out for the first time with my loving Fiance. In fact, I’ve kept him waiting in our first apartment for two months now—procrastinating away time, because I’m frightened. It has been very selfish of me—he seriously worries that I may never come. I never thought I’d do that to him, but I’m falling apart.

It is not a rash decision; I had anxiously waited for several years for this opportunity to become a reality, and although I had a natural degree of fear, it’s nothing like I feel now. It’s like I’ve reverted back to the emotional maturity of a child, needing my Mommy, and being scared. It’s really pathetic, to be honest.

I feel like this move (2,500 miles away) will be a great opportunity for me to grow, and to create a life for us, away from daily familial influence. I love the weather there, we’ll get to create our own place, and it is far more affordable. We’ll get fun jobs, and start our “family”. It’s only fair that I should be able to do this. And hell, we’ve already lived there together for a month once, when his Mom died, and despite the circumstances, it felt so right and we grew as people.
But coming from a very traditional Italian family, they have put it in my mind for so long that physical nearness is all that really counts. And that frightens me…what if they’re right? What if I can’t handle being so far away? What if I just need a hug from my Mom? What if she gets sicker and dies while I’m gone, and I’m wasting valuable time with her?

But then I feel like staying here squanders me as a person, somehow. I’ve outgrown this home, and I need more space to grow. I need to be with my Fiance, I miss him terribly. And sometime in the future, we can always consider moving back if we have to. I can always live there for a few months, a few years, whatever I want.

Do you have any advice for me? I could really use it.

Many thanks-

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16 Answers

DrBill's avatar

Change is scarry, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it.

JeffVader's avatar

Ummmm, perhaps you should stop looking at the big picture. You’re talking about living together, starting families, which being Italian I asume means being married. No wonder you’re feeling the pressure. Just look at the next step. Moving in & seeing if it works.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Start getting your things in order now. Make an agreement with your folks that you will have all your stuff cleaned out by the end of 2013 and stick to. Please.

Ammolite's avatar

Thanks for the responses so far, keep ‘em coming.

I am not so worried about he and I collectively—I realize things can happen, but so far, over the years, we’ve been very lucky and I have confidence in us. It has been a long-term investment and relationship that began in deep friendship, and we have been through much worse than moving. If anything, I look forward to the many perks of living together again…

I’m more worried about my own strength, conscience, and overall well-being, I guess. I didn’t feel this way when we lived together for that month—go figure. I felt more balanced, and thought about this whole thing much more healthily, but now that I’m back in my parents’ house, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained.

marinelife's avatar

Why are you looking at it as irrevocable? You go, you move out. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, you move back home.

partyparty's avatar

Yes of course it is a major event in your life, but try to think of it as a positive move. Something you really want to do.
If things didn’t work out you could always move back home.
It doesn’t have to be forever. Be positive!

j0ey's avatar

hmmmm ok…....

My Dad is Italian, and my parents live in the same town as his parents and his brother and one of his sisters lives on our farm…... So I can understand what you mean in that regards.
Saying that, it has been extremely hard on my Mum (who isn’t Italian), I dont think she has ever completely understood what it is to be a part of an Italian family, and how closeness is so important.
My advice to you, is go to be with your fiancé ASAP. He needs to know that HE is your family, just as much as “your” family is….Trust me…I think unless he is Italian himself, he might be feeling a little bit second class when it comes to your priorities at the moment, even if he isnt saying so.
Being in your 20s, it is definitely time to move out, especially if you have a fiancé.

thriftymaid's avatar

You just sound like you expect to miss your family. You will. Just go and marry your fiance and start your own life. It’s time to be out of mom’s house. Good luck.

jfos's avatar

If your mother has a computer, download Skype for her, and talk to her on there every once in a while.

john65pennington's avatar

My son was going nowhere, after high school. he was just hanging around with people that were going nowhere. we had a heart to heart talk. i told my son that its time to leave the nest and make your own way in the world. he took my advice. he enrolled himself into Belmont College and Vanderbilt University. he then transferred to San Diego State and received his degree. did i say San Diego? thats 2,000 miles away from his home. he is now into politics on the west coast and making me proud. i know, he is a male and you are a female. here is part two. my daughter was in the same situation as our son. we gave her the same pep talk. she enrolled herself into a local college and received her nursing degree. part three is this: they both left the nest to make their own way. they both are now married and have great spouses. they both now live in Seattle. my point here is this….......its time for you to leave the nest. yes, you will miss your parents. i suggest you buy a really good cellphone calling plan that allows you to call home anytime you wish, for a flat fee. we have the family calling plan with T-Mobile and love it. you are not selfish, this is just part of life. you seem to have all your ducks in a row and have carefully thought out your future plans. just make sure your emergency plans call for a way back home, if the situation with your fiance falls apart. last advice is to be prepared for anything, being so far from home. have a savings account ready….just in case and good luck to you. john

filmfann's avatar

Shall you wait for your mother to die before moving out? Of course not!
How long until you marry? That is a good, guilt free time to move in with him.

MoneyMakingMommy's avatar

I moved back home after moving out. Made mistakes. My parents took me back and all my crap that I had accumulated. I remember my hideous over-stuffed country blue couch sitting in the middle of their living room. LOL But eventually I got it right….
It’s trial and error – but that’s the joy of being the age you are. It will work out.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Your parents did, too, at your age, but few people remember them.

Pandora's avatar

I’m only guessing but it sounds like there is more to this than the possiblility of being homesick. It probably has to do that you never had the chance to be on your own two feet and now you have to rely on you fiance since he is already established. You will probably feel much better once you get there and get on your own two feet and can help support the two of you. Then you won’t feel like your going to be so dependent on him. Living with your parents has afforded you the luxury of some independence but you won’t feel that same ease with him right away. When my daughter moved away with her boyfriend, I told her she had my full support and if she ever felt it wasn’t right that it was ok for her to come home. I didn’t want her to feel like I was slamming the door shut behind her for good. Needless to say it didn’t work out in her case and she came home but she rebounded and lives on her own today.
Talk to your mom. She may help put some of your fears to rest and you’ll feel like you can venture out and give your relationship the shot it deserves. Best Wishes.

YARNLADY's avatar

My sons have been in and out, off and on, all their adult life. What’s the big deal? If you have to ask, don’t do it.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

“What if she gets sicker and dies while I’m gone, and I’m wasting valuable time with her?”

What if you are wasting valuable time with your fiancée? If it felt right living with him for a month, there is no reason it won’t feel right for a year, or more. Your parents sound like they are struggling to handle letting you go, but they are never going to learn to handle it until it is a reality. Move out, and enjoy your new circumstances. If it doesn’t work out, you can always move back. If you don’t move out, you may not get another opportunity with this guy.

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