General Question

ducky_dnl's avatar

How do I get over trust issues and self blaming?

Asked by ducky_dnl (5378points) April 21st, 2010

Today I went to the gym and got into a small fight with a guy. My friend Kaleb was calling me a “hoe” and a “p*ssy” and threw a pencil at me. I pushed him and then grabbed him by his shirt, and hit him really hard in his back. I feel so horrible about my behavior. It wasn’t ladylike. I also feel like I can’t confide in or trust anyone. Every single time I begin to like someone, they turn out to be total jerks. It’s like I am cursed to have horrible relationships, friendships, etc. I just feel like I am not bound for this life. I have no connections or ties with anyone. It’s me and me alone. What do I do?

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8 Answers

gemiwing's avatar

Figure out why you’re attracting/seeking out people who are jerks. Once you’ve gotten that first step, the rest gets easier. Why would you trust an asshole? No sane person should- a jerk will treat you poorly no matter what you do.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@gemiwing I don’t seek out jerks. They pretend to be nice and then turn on me. :/

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

I’d check out the self esteem issues were I in your place.
Why do you hang out with people that treat you like this? Is it proximity?

My friends don’t call me pussy and/or ho or anything of the sort.
And you need to learn to control that temper.

Be the bigger person. The person called you names but you were the one who lashed out physically.

filmfann's avatar

It might not be quite that way.
Once you begin to have feelings for someone, you probably become more sensitive to the things he says and does. Things that are harmless suddenly seem terrible and cold hearted. Give yourself a little distance on this.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he is just a jerk, but it might be worth considering.

gemiwing's avatar

@ducky_dnl Chances are good you’re missing red flags. Users can smell a wounded animal like a shark, there’s a reason they’re finding you.

ETA- Here is a good list of red flags. In my experience, the jerks (friends or lovers) tend to have a couple of these in varying degrees. Good info for you or others who might find this question later.

Ria777's avatar

@ducky_dnl: yeah, I meant to say, if don’t develop discriminate to tell in advance who you can or can’t trust, then you will get hurt. put your toe in gingerly rather than jump in, I guess.

as far as blaming yourself, simply don’t indulge it. you didn’t know any better, you made mistakes. you survived though and you have gotten a little wiser and know more. you asked for help and have got some advice.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Getting to know another person’s real character takes time and experience with them. People typically try and make a good impression on others, but if they are not really the way they want you or others to see them, you will eventually catch them being themselves.

You have got to be patient and not come to conclusions about other people too quickly. If you do so, you may confide in them before you really know what kind of person they are. You can then end up feeling betrayed and foolish for trusting them.

When you are young, you are sometimes too quick to assume you know what another person is like. As you get older and more experienced you may be more cynical and slower to trust someone you don’t really know.

The good news is there really are good, caring and trustworthy people out there. You can learn to make friends and yet be careful what and how much of your really personal concerns and feelings you feel safe to share.

There is nothing wrong with you and you are not doomed to have bad relationships and to suffer humiliation. Your just need to learn to pace yourself in relationships and give time and experience a chance to help you know who can be trusted with your feelings.

Don’t give up on yourself or on the possibility of having relationships that you will be able to believe in and be safe to share with another person.

There are jerks and phonies out there and they will take advantage of people who are too eager to feel close and experience a truly intimate relationship.

There are also sincere and respectful people (guys) out there. You will learn to tell the real thing from the fakes. You just have to give people a chance to show their true nature. The phonies cannot maintain their false impressions for very long.

Arp's avatar

I’m here for you, ducky :)

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