General Question

arij's avatar

It's wrong but why can't I stop?

Asked by arij (342points) June 12th, 2010 from iPhone

So i’ve done a search for cheating/emotional infidelity, etc. And if it is such a thing then YES I’m guilty of it. I want to know why it’s so damn hard for me to just break all ties.

Here’s a litle background info. We are co-workers, both married and spent a lot of hours of the workday together. she has since moved to another position but we remain in contact daily regardless of time of day. we meet at least once a week for lunch. she doesn’t think that we are doing anything wrong yet she has said that she wouldn’t be comfortable with her husband doing what I’m doing.

I know it’s wrong but I can’t get myself to cut her off and i don’t know why.

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18 Answers

Draconess25's avatar

Do you & you’re wife get along well?

Merriment's avatar

She does think what you are doing is “wrong” or she wouldn’t have a qualm about her husband doing to her what you are doing to your wife. What she is “helping” you to do to your wife. And is doing to her husband.

My guess as to why you can’t just cut it off is that you spend a lot of your time with this lady getting mixed messages. It’s wrong, don’t stop… kind of mixed messages.

Do yourself a favor and stop being played before you wreck your and your wife’s lives.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I think the only way you’ll be able to stop is to cut off all contact with this women. If you must be in touch with her due to work, keep it strictly professional and do not contact her in any way outside of work and stop sharing your personal life with her.

lillycoyote's avatar

You need to either fix what is wrong with your marriage or cut the other woman loose. It’s so funny that men seem to think that women cannot be trusted in positions of power because they are perceived as too emotional, yet men seem to constantly find themselves in situations they profess they have no control over whatsoever.

JLeslie's avatar

@lillycoyote I love that last line. I will be using it in the future.

Coloma's avatar

Yep, you are falling into the greener pastures zone, not accurately seeing that every green pasture appears so green because it is full of bullshit. lol

You’re human, attraction happens, BUT….the question is not why can’t you stop yourself, the question is whats missing in your marriage or within yourself that makes you want to tiptoe through these tulips?

Play with shit and you’re gonna get smelly, and, if your wife gets wind of this little romp in the lunchroom..well…be prepared for a shitstorm you could never imagine in your wildest dreams.

Fair warning….infidelity is not pretty, and…odds are your gonna get shitcanned by your wife, your work and the trickle down effect of bullshit is one nasty mess to shovel.

partyparty's avatar

How would you feel if your SO was doing the same thing? Put yourself in her position. You may think differently then.

augustlan's avatar

Are you and this woman just good friends? If so, how would your wife feel about that? If it’s just a friendship, and your wife can handle that, then you really aren’t doing anything wrong. Of course, you should definitely not keep it from your wife.

However, if you are concerned that there is something more to it, or will be in the future… you’ve got to stop now. Man up and do the right thing. The reason you’re having a hard time doing so is because you’re getting something out of it. Ego strokes? Affection you aren’t getting elsewhere? Whatever it is, you need to address that and find a way to get it in an acceptable way.

partyparty's avatar

@augustlan Perfect answer :-)

envidula61's avatar

If your friend were a man, would you be worrying about whether you should stop this relationship? If your friend were a man, would you have told your wife about him by now?

Most people worry about their spouse’s friends of the opposite sex. It takes a good level of trust for those kinds of relationships to work out.

Why can’t you stop?

Because you like this person. The question is: do you like them the wrong way?

Looked at another way, is this a relationship that would or should threaten your wife? If so, that raises a whole new set of questions.

downtide's avatar

Anything that is hidden from your spouse, or which your spouse disapproves of (or would disapprove of if they knew), is cheating.

john65pennington's avatar

Apparently, your conscious is bothering you…..really bad. have you ever heard of the song, “Addicted to Love”? is having lunch “all” that is going on between you two? having lunch comes first, but what comes next? she feels guilty and it shows in your question. both of you are walking on “hot coals” and the door to hell is just around the corner.

Remember the old saying, “temptation is the root of all evil”.

LostInParadise's avatar

Could you give some indication of what it is that the two of you are doing. Meeting for lunch is not my idea of infidelity.

perspicacious's avatar

You can stop; just do. It’s pathetic to say you cannot. Don’t be that guy.

ItsAHabit's avatar

You are playing with a dangerous fire and I recommend that you stop immediately. As perspicacious says, “You can stop; just do it.” i suspect that you really don’t want to stop or you would do so.

captainsmooth's avatar

You know where it is headed, and if you wanted to stop, you would.

But you like the feeling of someone new being interested in you, someone different, someone that you have no responsibilities with.

If you continue to meet this woman for lunch, doing things that she would not be comfortable if it were her husband meeting a woman for lunch, you will take your little friendship to a physical level.

The grass isnt greener; it’s just new. After a season or two, it will either die, or look like the old grass.

Coloma's avatar


LOL..all green grass dries out, then it’s called ‘hay’, as in ‘Hey’...who moved my grass?

smilingheart1's avatar

Augustinian gave a super answer. It is now over a year since you have asked this question, and may I ask how things turned out? Did the emotional affair so captivate your heart you weren’t able to turn back and escalate to “Me and Mrs. Jones” or were you able to break it off? Emotional affairs are the most dangerous really, because you give each other your kindredness. This closeness with one’s spouse has to be maintained but with the new person, well everything is “new” and only gets old when love is allowed to get ordinary. Everything that once was can be rekindled and I pray that you were able to keep your family life together. I do recognize that there are no simple answers and we are talking about the most important things that give people life and purpose and that is proper relationships well lived. I have a lot of empathy for you, I know something of this. I have seen it said that ‘somewhere, sometime, in your married life you will encounter another person to whome you could become attracted.”

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