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yoshiboshi's avatar

What to do when you don't like some one for who they are but you love them?

Asked by yoshiboshi (359points) July 5th, 2010

I hate so much about him and his personality. I hate so much about how he lives his life and how he makes choices. But I love him so much as well. My emotions are so conflicting that I am at a loss here. When we hold hands, when we hug each other, when we look into each others eyes, when we laugh together, when we actually connect…. I feel so much love and care. But His lifestyle choices are so conflicting that I just don’t know what to do.

I can’t just find some one else, and it’s weird, but I almost don’t want to. I love who I love, and if I left him an empty spot will sit in my heart forever. I don’t know how I can live like that, or anyone. I feel like I am trying to hold on to something that will never change, but I feel like I HAVE to hold on. I just can’t come to the conclusion of letting go and being okay for the rest of my life…. I just feel like some how… some how we can change and make things better. How can it impossible?

I’m asking for some personal opinions from people with experience. Is it worth saving or would I be happier in the long run if I just let go…?

It feels weird asking strangers this, but I really have hit a brick wall. Not even my friends can help me. :/

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27 Answers

ruk_d's avatar

I hate myself for it

Seaofclouds's avatar

Are the things you “hate” about him deal breakers for you? If things were to remain as they are now for the next 5 years, would you be happy? What about the next 10 years?

If you would not be happy with things remaining as they are now and the things he does that you “hate” are deal breakers, then you should move on. You could talk to him about changing things, but you have to realize that they only way things will change is if he wants to change. Sometimes people can change, but sometimes they can’t.

If you could be happy with things staying as they are, then continue the relationship. Just be aware that not only could they stay the same, they could get worse. So, if you are on the fence about it, put a lot of thought into what you would need to be completely happy with him.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

What if all of his bad traits got worse and the things that attract you to him disappeared? Can you live with what’s left? You will not change the person he is.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Love that person but keep them to your outer circle of confidants, like you’d keep a troublemaking family member; you love them but they are destructive so you limit contact.

Zyx's avatar

So either your friends told you what you didn’t want to hear or they didn’t. The fact they didn’t tell you anything else means they were thinking it. It sounds pretty doomed, life is hard, deal with it.

yoshiboshi's avatar

I’m not sure if they are deal breakers, but they may be if they do not potentially change. They aren’t impossible to change though. I can see myself being happy with him, because I am always happy when i am with him, but the problem is we seem to have different ways of living our lives. I am completely unsure of our future, I don’t know if this will get worse or not. I just feel like we will keep clashing and that that is inevitable.

I was thinking and I think my main problem might be that I haven’t told him I want a marriage out of this relationship, and I think he is guessing that, but he currently can not provide that. It’s okay if he can’t, but he doesn’t seem to desire it in the future either. I think he is just overall not ready for a relationship, but he has told me “I don’t have a problem with this relationship, the only one who does is you”.

I’m sorry all, I might be making this bigger than it seems ):

and zyx, my friend didn’t tell me anything. That’s why she didn’t help. All she said was “I don’t know what to tell you”..

Seaofclouds's avatar

@yoshiboshi What exactly is it that you would want him to change. Most of the time, people don’t change. As far as the marriage issue, that alone can be a reason to end a relationship. If you get to the point where you are ready for and want marriage and he decided he never wants to get married, you’ll have to either accept that or move on.

It seems like he is happy with things the way there are, which means he sees no reason to change anything. If you aren’t happy with that, you’ll have to decide if you can be happy with him the way things are or if you need to move on.

yoshiboshi's avatar

Yes, you are right @Seaofclouds , it is true that I will more than likely not be able to change him. As far as what I want him to change, well, I guess I would love it if he enjoyed being out of the house more. I am the type of person who loves to go out and experience the world, but he enjoys sitting down and watching TV for countless hours… every single day :/ I have a hard time figuring how any human being his age could enjoy that… and that alone I feel like could hurt our relationship. That we don’t go out and connect and experience with each other and the world. Because I can’t seem to undertsand that a human being would enjoy that, I feel like one day he will change. Like his eyes will open and he will say “oh there is world out there that I can actually enjoy and it does not involve my TV”

There are more things, but I don’t think I should go on and write an essay about it lol

Seaofclouds's avatar

@yoshiboshi Some people don’t enjoy going out in social settings. That is a part of his personality and it probably won’t change. Does he know that this bothers you?

yoshiboshi's avatar

Yes I have spoken to him about it. The fact that he may never change really frustrates me and scares me. I want this relationship to last and it seems so horrible for it not to because of something like this :/ He says he will try to do things with me, but he can’t enjoy it. The only thing he can enjoy about it is knowing that it will make me happy, but of course, I can’t be happy if he isn’t and we got a horrible cycle here, lol. ^_^;;;;

cookieman's avatar

Some basics:
• You cannot change people – ever.
• Long-term love is never about romantic melodrama (which you are currently well-versed in). It is often about friendship, mutual respect, a little romance and a shitload of hard work.
• The things you hate about him now will surely end the relationship eventually.

Zyx's avatar

Just to be clear. You can change people into anything, as long as you’re the right amount smarter than them.

ganti_x89's avatar

I had a girl friend who was madly in love with me but she wasn’t attracted to me. Well thats what she told me and after we broke up she completely forgot about me like if we never dated. I really like her but i guess it wasn’t supposed to be.

gailcalled's avatar

Would you want to have babies with this guy? Would you want to grow old with him?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@yoshiboshi Which do you want more, to be happy or for the relationship to last? If he doesn’t change, you will have to choose between the two if you can’t be happy with him the way he is.

john65pennington's avatar

Here is a classic example of your situation, which involved an 18 year old girl. she was dating a person that was way below her league. she was a ten and he was a 4. she came from a nice family and his family was just okay. he wore the black leather and metal all over. she was a waitress at a Pizza Hut. wife and i tried to tell her that this guy was no good for her. once the girl began college, she began to see that what we were telling her was the truth. she broke it off with this person, but he would not let it go. he finally confronted her one night, after work, and hit her in the face. the police were called and he was arrested. he now has a restraining order against him and he served time in jail for assault. does this sound familiar to you? this person apparently is no good for you and i think you know this. if this did not sink in, reread my answer and see what may be in store for you in your future.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. When you get into a relationship it is similar to not having dog “man” and wanting one because everyone else has one, so you latch on to the 1st junk yard dog you come across. You are happy top have a dog “man” but you find out that every morning the kitchen is trashed , your best shoes is chewed all up, and there is a nice “love” package left on the rug by the front door. And this goes on day after day. You have 3 choices: [1] You can get a ample supply of carpet cleaner and a locking trash can while hiding all your shoes away; [2] Get the dog “man” trained to work with your lifestyle; [3] Figure out the dog “man” will not change and kick him back to the curb get a dog “man” that does what you like and not what you don’t.

Why hold on to a broken watch? You have to seriously figure out why you are afraid to seek someone else that won’t drive you crazy. Is the sex and 15 minutes of fun a day worth 9 hours of frustration?

MissA's avatar

If this was happening to YOUR best friend…what would you tell THEM?

You know the answer…you need to make a good choice. And, you know what that choice is. You WANT otherwise.

skfinkel's avatar

This sounds like you are attracted to him physically, but do not really have respect for him. And the fear must be that you will never find someone else you are attracted to. You are young (I presume since you are talking about marriage), and I can assure you even though you think it might be impossible, that you will indeed find another you are attracted to. However, with luck, that person will also be a person whose life and yours can mesh. If you were older, and marriage and children were not an issue, my response might be different, but you are wanting to make your life with someone, and you need a partner in lots of ways.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@yoshiboshi If you knew that they were other men out there whose lifestyle better matched your own and believe me there are,

and if you were not afraid that you might not find someone you could love and who would love you (is this not your biggest worry?),

would you still cling to this man whom you cannot realistically expect to change?

I suspect that if not for your fear of ending up alone, you would not cling to this man who repels you in so many ways.

mea05key's avatar

I think you are just being irrational with yourself. You are with him for a reason, probably negative reasons. I don’t believe love is blind. There is definately a trait , characteristic that you like about him. perhaps physical attaction? Its difficult to be someone if you cannot be with them emotioanlly and spriritually…. if you know what i mean.

Andreas's avatar

@yoshiboshi What a MAN looks for in a WOMAN is someone who will complement him. What a WOMAN should look for in a MAN is someone that will cherish her and treat her with respect. From what you have said this person is NOT a MAN, but I may be wrong. I don’t think so. What keeps two people together over years and years of life are shared experiences and shared problems and both coming out on top of ALL misfortune and trial.

Do you have any older relatives or trusted neighbours that you can talk to? Old married couples who have a successful marriage would greatly help you in this matter.

In grey hair; wisdom.

yoshiboshi's avatar

thank you all, you have given me very good answers.

I’m not sure if it is that I am afraid of being alone, because I have had other suitors who I am compatible with, but for some reason I love this guy. I don’t think it is physical either, since we don’t have a lot of sex, as odd as it sounds. I just get sick when thinking about leaving him for some one else. It feels wrong, like I am being dirty. I don’t know, I’m a weird one I think… he doesn’t abuse me, or hit me, so don’t get me wrong. He is just so childish i think…

I definitely have so much to think about.

gailcalled's avatar

@yoshiboshi: Your answers confuse me, and I bet you are feeling confused too. How about seeing a therapist for a couple of sessions to figure out the root causes. Calling yourself “weird” is not practical advice for you.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@yoshiboshi “I just get sick when thinking about leaving him for some one else. It feels wrong, like I am being dirty.” I am going out on a linb here and say you are not in America or America born because gals here seem to change mates like they change shoes sometimes with out ending one relations before starting the next.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

The challenge with some relationships is that you can love someone, but not be in love with them. I dated a guy for two years, and while we respected each other, our interests were so dissimilar that it created a great deal of effort in order to attempt to make it work. Fortunately, he was the one with enough sense to break it off. If I had had my way, we would have married, and we both would have ended up miserable for as long as it lasted.

janedelila's avatar

You get sick when you think about leaving him for someone else??? When I leave somebody, it’s for me

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