General Question

iceblu's avatar

Should someone get married after only knowing the other person for a period of 4 Months?

Asked by iceblu (919points) March 20th, 2008

I was talking to my friend today, and i asked her how she was doing with her boyfriend. She told me great, and he asked her to marry him in quote “all seriousness.” Shes 17 and hes 24… I have somewhat kinda a big problem with this….there is no way in hell you are ready to be wed after knowing someone for 4 months..

Whats your take on this?

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52 Answers

Besafe's avatar

4 months is plenty long but I am not sure age 17 is old enough to be ready for the struggles of marriage and kids.

iceblu's avatar

@besafe maybe for you…but unless your living with that person for everyday of those 4 months, i don’t think is does any justice. Being around someone is much different then living with them 24/7…things can drastically change, usually for the worst.

oneye1's avatar

what’s their pastor think

iceblu's avatar

they don’t believe in g0d.

2late2be's avatar

no, not a good idea

iceblu's avatar

@2late2be i agree, whats your opinion?

jrpowell's avatar

None of us can really know the answer. It could work.

My hunch is that it won’t work. Damn near every single decision I made at 17 was wrong. And about half of them I made at 24 were wrong.

I won’t be surprised if you are asking a question for your friend about getting a divorce in under a year.

iceblu's avatar

@johnpowell i know, but i started my first real long relationship when i was 14, and it lasted a year and 3 months, after that, i learned about how stupid and blind i was the whole time. And i would image that if it happen to me at the age of 17, it would have been worst, cause then drugs are involved and other stuff i didn’t know about when i was 14.

teejay0514's avatar

Four months is not long enough to get to know the person you’re about to spend the rest of your life with. Also no one is ready to settle down at the age of 17. She still has a lot of things to experience in her life
and as her friend I think you should help her realize this.

iceblu's avatar

@teejay0514 thanks, i know and i agree. And I’m trying to help, thats why I’m asking the lovable folks at the wonderful world of fluther. =]

Besafe's avatar

They may not believe in God but that doesn’t mean they can’t seek out a pastor to give them about 2 months of marriage counseling.

osakarob's avatar

Your friend is breathtakingly ignorant if she marries the guy at 17.
She is equally foolish if she marries him after only 4 months.

There is no possible justification for these nuptials except maybe the proverbial shotgun.

FlutherMother's avatar

My sister met her now husband at 15. They had their 19 year anniversary this past November. Our best man met his wife at 15. They hit their 20 year anniversary this past October. I met my husband at 19. Within 1 month, I knew that this was the guy I was going to marry. He let me know in no uncertain terms that is how he felt too. We did, however, actually wait to hold the ceremony until after we graduated from college – 3 years later. We will celebrate our 18 year anniversary in June. So early relationships DO work. Am I saying that your friend is doing the right thing? Not necessarily – just pointing out that we can’t make a universal “one-size-fits-all” decision based on age and length of knowing. Like eHarmony likes to say the most successful relationships agree on 29 basic premises and I agree in part. Our pastor made us fill out a huge questionaire separately and then brought us together to share the answers. There were no right or wrong answers – it just was a stepping stone so we could bring out and discuss topics that tear most marriages apart that, surprisingly, most couples of any age fail to discuss (like how many children to have, what constitutes adultery, how will they handle the finances, etc). That’s something that she needs to think about and needs to be sure that her boyfriend’s answers are ones she can live with. From the “tone” of your question, I think you doubt that she has taken the time to find this out. Ask her if she has considered all aspects of marriage and if they have discussed everything. You might save her from a future divorce or you might be wishing them happy anniversary 10 years from now.

Riser's avatar

Both are too young and too immature to accept the responsibilities that marriage requires, unless they consider it fleeting and are actually uninterested in keeping their vows. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. FlutherMother’s example above and my parents dated for one week, got engaged the second week, married the third and on September 4th, of this year, will celebrate their 37th wedding anniversary.

Wisdom and experiences of my own tell me that this union will die a miserable and early death.

osakarob's avatar

Anecdotal evidence of youthful unions lasting a long time is not necessarily a credible argument for continuing to perpetuate the same life directions as our parents and grandparents. Mobility, increased career and personal growth opportunities, financial independence, the ability to see the world (or at least move beyond the tiny patch of ground this 17 year old has probably seen!), spiritual development, the merits of self examination, the joy of exploring sexual freedom…All of these are good reasons why she shouldn’t marry so quickly.

SCO's avatar

Everyone here had made good points. But really in honest truth we do not know anything about these couples except their age and it seems like that’s what everyone is judging them by. We never they could be together through thick and thin till death do them apart. The point is everyone is different and really making decisions wether its right or wrong is still a good thing because it will help you learn more about yourself

Spargett's avatar

I don’t find much point in marriage. And I wonder if these two can really conceive “the rest of their lives”, considering how relatively little they’ve lived thus far.

It’s not like a few hundred years ago when the life expectancy was significantly shorter, or that they need more hands on the farm, nor is it arranged for any political or financial gain. So I pose the question, what’s the point? Love exists regardless of a marriage certificate.

Oz_1's avatar

Sometimes a period like 4 months is enough…and sometimes a period like 4 decades isn’t enough…..each case has its own merits.

However I do agree with the others when they say that 17 is too young. Give it some time I say (”,)

needleinthehay's avatar

i’d definitely say no.
but, my parents got married at 18, after only dating for 6 months, and after 20 years they are still happily married.

bulbatron9's avatar

Unless he proposed with a giant diamond ring, then he is probably just blowing hot air! Teenage boys and telling girls what they want to hear, to get what they want; go hand in hand! I would tell her that if she thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with this boy, then “what’s another year, if you have forever”.

cwilbur's avatar

I don’t think being engaged after a short courtship is a bad idea. After 4 months, you are likely to have a rough idea of whether this is a person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with—and you can always stay engaged for a year, or longer, just to make sure.

That said, I think their ages are more of a problem. You need to get out and date several people before you pick the one you settle down with, because without that experience you aren’t likely to know what you need or want out of a relationship. You also need to get out and become independent of your parents, rather than just transferring your dependence from your parents to your spouse. (Believe me, I know what I’m talking about there.)

This could be the lucky break for both of them, but odds are against it. It’s romantic to think about True Love Forever when you’re 17, but reality often impinges.

scamp's avatar

I agree with cwilbur. They are very young, and it’s likely that they still have theirs heads in a cloud, but people mature differently. I think they should try a long engagement first, and if things work out, they can consider marriage later.

DS's avatar

My mum met her husband when she was 13 and yes she wasn’t mature enough to get married by then but she did. And it worked out pretty well. Most fluthers member point out her age but I’m pretty sure your girl friend knows exactly who she wants to be with.

iceblu's avatar

@ Everyone Thank you all for your time, now im going to explain my side

4 Months I don’t think is long enough, despite what most of you say. Even a year would set my mind at ease. I mean, this 24 year old guy has alrdy cheated on her. And whats going to happen when he wants to go out to the bars? Everyone here is saying how everyone met everyone at a young are and proved to last long…Yes i agree, but think of the time differences and changes that occurred. Everything now is driven by party, sex and drugs. Her being only 17, is going to hurt her till she is 21, and is able to actually go out. But i think by then, this “Perfect” guy is going to get sick of taking care of a “baby” cause she can’t go out to the bars and have fun. Even if we set the whole drinking thing outta this, his friends are all older and probably in the mist of getting married themselves. As her friends are all 16 and 17…If i was this guy, id feel like a babysitter the whole time. I don’t doubt that they are in love, and i dnt think anyone should, but to be getting married and to be completely serious about after only 4 months? I just can’t see it going anywhere but a dead end road.

cwilbur's avatar

@iceblu: unfortunately, experience is the thing that prevents people from making bad decisions, and the fastest way to get experience is to make bad decisions.

It’s their lives to screw up, alas.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@cwilbur Mark Twain said it best “Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from bad decisions”

iceblu's avatar

@cwilbur i would LOVE to think like that, but unfortunately i act like my mom, and if I at least don’t try, i wont feel right.

@uberbatman N1ce words of wisdom.

scamp's avatar

After reading more of the story I don’t think it’s a good idea for these two people in paticular. I wonder why he proposed to her if he cheats? I don’t think you will have to worry too much about them. They probably won’t even make it to the altar.

Angelina's avatar

Why would they get married? Why don’t they just keep dating?

youWISHyouknewME_152's avatar

I agree with most everyone here. Its not a good idea. Watch the heartbreak kid, and you will see.

cwilbur's avatar

@Angelina: because they’re young and foolish, and it is soooo romantic to be married to your True Love Forever.

zolmie's avatar

Yeah that sounds way to young. Its always a good idea to wait for a while because marriage is obviously a HUGE decision at any age. The “beginning part” of relationships always seem magical, but seriously we all know that phase fades and either grows onto a deeper phase or not. I’d try to persuade your friend to wait. 17 and 24 are SO young and there is no rush in settling down asap- especially if one is a minor anyway. Divorce sounds a million times worse than a break up – not trying to say it will fail, but really like johnpowell said, half of the decisions made at 24 were wrong and almost all of the serious decisions (besides college) at 18 were wrong too. Sometimes marriage seems so fun and fairytalish, but no need to rush it. Live life and grow some… In the end it is really up to the couple. I sure would wait though.

Zaku's avatar

I’m worried about the “she’s 17” part more than the “only 4 months” part. If they’re so in love and so committed to a life loving each other, and have no religious/cultural reason to marry, how about they consider doing something wise for each other, like staying together until she’s say, 24, before getting married or having children?

Poser's avatar

He wants to marry her because he knows he can cheat on her and she will take her back. He thinks he’s found the proverbial golden-egg goose. He can go out to the bars (knowing she can’t even follow him there) and pick up any chicks he wants, knowing if he’s unsuccessful, he always has his “wife” at home waiting for him. So he has the excitement of picking up one night stands, with the security of regular sex at home.

She’s a foolish girl, which is par for the course at 17. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to dissuade her from this course of action. Just make it known that you’re against it, and warn her to get on and stay on birth control religiously. Let her know that if she lets this man impregnate her, she’ll be up shi*t creek. Also warn her that she ought to be making him wear a condom unless she likes nasty discharges in the morning.

You can quote me.

SCO's avatar

Some of you guys are so judgemental about somebody who you guys don’t even know. I understand about the age thing but some of ya’ll are getting too stereo-typical.

Angelina's avatar

@cwilbur. Yeah, I really just asking a rhetorical question. I agree with you, it sounds like two people trying to be very romantic, but I think they’re misguided.

@Poser. I totally agree. Regardless of whatever the young woman does in this situation, she needs to NOT get pregnant.

@SCO. Yes, we don’t know the people in question so what can we revert to other than our own judgment and experiences in trying to evaluate this situation from afar?

My own bias is this: I can understand a 17-year old getting swept up in the romance of someone wanting to love her (or him) forever. But I am very concerned that the 24-year old is, for lack of a better word, creepy. Why would a 24-year old date someone who’s not even out of high school yet? By the age of 24, you should know certain things about love, sex, relationships and maturity. Like the fact that getting married is serious business.

Zaku's avatar

@Angelina – Yep, and it makes me think of how when I’ve really loved a woman, it’s always been an overwhelming sense of wishing them a wonderful life, which includes not wanting me to derail their life like by being 24 and dating them (let alone marrying them) at 17. Though we really don’t know these people – we’re just creating imaginations based on numbers.

shorty's avatar

Do you have any interest in the 17 year old?

From my personal experience 17 years old is an age that should be reconsidered. The 17 year old or the 24 year old is not a very mature age to be making a lifetime comment. Love can be a wonderful thing and a wonderful experience between two mature people. Some people are more mature at that age than others but what you’ve told us the 24 yr old can’t keep his pants zipped. If he will cheat when they are just falling in love I can only image what he will do after. They will both regret missing out on there young adulthood.

Then there is also a possibility in bring children into the marriage at a young age which could create more problems if they are not mature enough for marriage.

I agree with Besafe on having a pastor involved prior to a final decision is made. In no way could they go wrong by do this.

iceblu's avatar

@shorty no, not really anymore, she told me to F*** off and stop talking to her… she didnt wanna hear the truth i guess..when they break up, ill re-post what happens, till then, thank you everyone that took their time to write a response =]

judochop's avatar

Really only you can answer this question. All signs of statistics will point to no, however in this day and age all signs tend to point to no anyway. No matter we all have to say about this you will do what you want to do in the end. If you are happy and accept the fact that marriage is forever and a very long and hard road. I personally know that when I was 17 I wanted to get married but joined the Army and did college so in hindsight I am glad I waited until I was 32 to get married.
Just be sure you are willing to live through the tuffest years of your life together which are 21 to 27.
Cheers and best of luck to you….
Well shizza I should have read the above answers first. All well, this is my belated answer.

karen_joy's avatar

17 is so young! They should have a 5 year engagement…at least.

Clair's avatar

17 is entirely too young to wed and 4 months is wayyyyy too short a time!!!!!!!!!
“hangin out” and talking on the phone is a completely different story than actually living with someone and them getting on your nerves and tryin to keep food in the fridge and (what most dumbass kids do) starting a family.
you’re friends need a serious reality check.

justus2's avatar

I personally feel anyone can fall inlove with anyone and yes it is possible that it will work, if they feel they are made for each other go for it, i have a friend that got married at 17 and is still together and she is like 52 now or something, yes it is possible. As far as the 4 month period, if that is enough to know they want to spend life with each other then all i can say is good for them and I really hope it works out.

notabridesmaid's avatar

I dont think so….what is the reason for the rush?

MrsC2Be's avatar

My fiance and I knew after about 4 or 5 weeks that we’d get married someday (I was 19 he was 21) but we pushed it to the back of our minds, carried on dating for a few months, moved in together after about a year and lived together for a couple of years before he properly proposed. We’re getting married next August so will have know for about 4 years by that point but proved ourselves right.

If they’re meant to be together why get married so soon? They should just enjoy themselves and let things happen in time

Nullo's avatar

Probably not the best idea, but it’s possible.
@karen_joy : Not that young, when you consider that only a few hundred years ago 17 was about average.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

Absolutely NO! I don’t even have to think about this one.
And four months? that’s nothing.

Response moderated
meagan's avatar

Absolutely not. In fact, I’m sure that theyre probably both high on crack. I hope they’re saving up for the divorce.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

My dear friend got married after knowing someone for that length of time…and they have been married for 30 years…and quite happily. But they were both university-educated…she was 24 and he was about 30. So, it was a different story. They had careers and some security.

I think that the bigger issue here is…age, money, support, livelihood, food, shelter…and all the things that come into play when reality sets in.

emeraldisles's avatar

Can she wait til she is 18 before she decides anything? It will give her more time to process and will give her more time to know the guy?

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Although I love to read stories like FlutherMother’s , those DO happen, I feel strongly that 17 is way too young for a lifetime commitment and why do they feel they need to do this? Can’t they just be in love?
4 months means nothing, I once heard from someone that you should be with people a full year to get an idea of marriage because you can see them experience every holiday, every birthday, many family events, etc. I live by this now and find it to be very wise. I can’t imagine how much a 17 year old would change in a year.
No rush at this age, enjoy being very young and in love

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