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littlehottie07's avatar

Why has he developed feelings for someone else?

Asked by littlehottie07 (8points) August 16th, 2010

I have been in a long term committed relationship for 8 years. Since I was 15 and he 16. Needless to say neither of us had any meaningful past experience, and we’ve never had a “break”. We had lived together full time for 4 years when we decided it would be best for him to move across the country, to be with his friends and find work as he was unemployed here. Everything was running smoothly, I went and saw him for 3 weeks at christmas, he came home for 4 months (Feb-May) while he was layed off, and has now only been gone for just over two months. The only difference between this leave and the last is that he is now living with his best friend who just got out of a long term relationship.

Out of the blue, about 2 weeks ago, I noticed him starting to become distant, not wanting to talk to me on the phone. He said he felt like every time we talked we would just end up fighting lately. Finally, a week ago I confronted him about it, I knew something more than a fight was up and his response was that I could do better, and that he had just been thinking that our relationship had gotten complacent, that he wanted me to think about it for a few days and then we would talk so that we wouldn’t argue. Two days later, he still wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, but I forced some answers out of him via text. He said he loved me very much but wasn’t sure if he was still in love with me. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he thought so, that it didn’t mean that things wouldn’t work out for us in the end, but for right now it was probably for the best. That he valued me as a friend and we would always be friends, but just didn’t know to what extent we would be together in the future. He cannot call me, he says he’s not ready.

The next day we talked for over an hour on msn, I had a gut feeling that there was someone else and asked him to be 100% honest with me. He said that yes there was someone else, she was 2 years older than him and that he had just met her a few weeks ago and had been speaking with her about her own relationship and her feelings of complacency, and that he thought it paralleled our relationship. She then left her boyfriend, and slept with mine a week ago, knowing full well about me. He told me he might be in love with her. I asked him if he didn’t want to try to work things out between us, and he said he did, but not right now. Before this happened, he told me he loved me every single night, has always maintained a sexual interest in me, and has never had a wondering eye. I dont believe he went out in search of something, it was just a connected that happened because they shared some mutual friends. My question is this: can he really move on so fast and be in love with someone else while at the same time not over me, or has this conversation with the other girl just confused him and placed questions in his head? I believe that he has an emotional connection with her because of a similar experience and the fact that I could not be there emotionally with him the past couple months, but he admitted he did not find her attractive at first, that “she grew on him”. Can you fool yourself into being in love to justify your indiscretion? Thanks

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21 Answers

chyna's avatar

Do you want to be second choice? If it doesn’t work out with this girl, he is stringing you along by saying he is not over you, but sleeping with her. But to answer your question of why has he developed feelings for someone else: he is away from you, he has this girl that is in his face, in his bed. It will be hard to get over him, as you kind of grew up with him, but I would try to move on if I were you.

Ponderer983's avatar

I had something similar happen to me, where my s/o thought he was in love with someone else after a week or 2 and was attracted to her and all that jazz. I do believe you can fool yourself into being in love to justify it. Guys just want to have something on the side but still want to fool around. It may seem like to them that they are lessening the blow to women simply by stating tey have fallen in love with them instead of just wanting to have sex with someone.

Jude's avatar

Listen to @chyna.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

This does, sadly, happen sometimes – his story might as well be mine except I slept with ‘the new person’ after telling my ex-husband that things have gotten complacent and that we should break up. Sometimes, ‘in-love’ isn’t forever – I know this must be painful and, in all truth, he might regret this impulsiveness of his but it is important for the both of you to be in a relationship where each person is inspired and not stagnant – if he doesn’t feel that from you anymore and you can’t get over the sex with the other girl to work on improving your relations, this is over.

littlehottie07's avatar

Thanks for the quick answers. The thing is this, there was never any mention of anything wrong in our relationship until she came along. I can forgive him for this if he is truly confused, because neither of us has anything to compare our relationship to. But if he was feeling complacent wouldn’t his mind have wondered long ago? Until 2 weeks ago he was asking me when I was coming to see him, that he missed me and everything a normal healthy relationship would have when faced with temporary distance. It wasn’t until this unexpected connection with other girl happaned he questioned us…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@littlehottie07 I can understand that (even if it seems sudden) – when Alex and I began to talk, we just wanted to be friends…I wanted to help him with his marriage…as we discussed his issues, I realized, starkly, how my marriage was on the rocks – even though it all seemed normal before…sometimes, a new person and a new perspective wakes us up.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

He has developed feelings for another woman and acted on them because he chose to stop investing in the two of you. He chose to be okay with not having you in his life anymore should you react more severely than what you imply here. I’d consider him not worth hanging on to. If I were you then I’d be freeing myself up for a man who’d choose to be with me and not treat me as a default/fallback relationship.

Coloma's avatar

So you are a whopping 23?

This is just ONE of a series of relationships that you will grow from as you continue to mature.

I am 50 and still learning…this is life. Let it go.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Sounds like a lack of maturity to me.

Robot's avatar

@Coloma… my mom is 55 and tells me this all the time. I’ve had a few heart breaks from serious longterm relationships and am going thru another heart break now, however what I am going thru now is wayyy different then anything I’ve ever been involved in before, not to mention I always wonder how I fell so hard anyway considering the circumstances of what is was.

@littlehottie07 it’s not going to be easy to let go. It is always easy for a person from outside the relationship to look in and see and say everything that should be done differently. However THEY are not the ones inlove or involved, feeling all these feelings. I really cannot imagine what you’re going thru. I’ve been thru a lot in relationships, but that is something I hope I never experience. My trust would be so shot to say the least. It is now, but after something like that damn. You seem like a pretty positive and hopeful person though how youre speaking about all this. I really do hope it works out for you in the end regardless of whatever happens with him. Follow your heart but always listen to your brain and above all trust your instincts and inuition, that won’t steer you wrong if it’s strong and constant. : )

skfinkel's avatar

Listen to the Blues—you can hear this story over and over again. So sorry it happened to you—but you are young, and he is right, you don’t know how this will all end up. Try and meet new people (when you are up to it) and see how it goes. You might be surprised.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I should say, as bad as it hurts and as much of a irritant it is to question what about yourself he didn’t want, when you have good love again then it will feel like the pain of all before falls off.

wundayatta's avatar

I tend to take a less fraught view of these things. It’s not so black and white for me.

Long distance relationships are very difficult. Especially if you require fidelity. It’s just really hard to be without someone you are very close to—whether it’s for conversation, or having someone who always cares, or sleeping next to or having sex. When you let him go, I hope you were aware that you could very well be signing the death certificat for your relationship.

It sounds to me like he’s saying all the things that guilt makes you say. He claims he still has feelings for you, and I’m sure he does. You don’t just drop that right away. But he’s also confused about his feeling for the other woman, and he is probably understating them so as to not hurt you as much.

However, it’s only been a couple of weeks. It’s the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship, and sooner or later reality will set in, and he may find he made a mistake and wants you back.

Now most people would tell you that you have your pride, and you shouldn’t wait around for him. It’s over, now. Boom!

It seems to me like you really care for him and are willing to put up with his infidelities and would consider taking him back if he wants to be back. The problem will be rebuilding trust. However if you can establish that it is distance that made him go for someone else even though he maintained his feelings for you, and it was guilt that made him lie to you, you may be able to lay the groundwork to feel like you can trust him again.

You will, however, have to be together physically. This just isn’t working. And if you can’t find a way to do that, I don’t think you have much chance of getting back together.

So, figure that he strayed either because he was lonely or because he is losing his feelings for you due to the distance. Figure that it’ll take some big time work on both of your parts to get back together. Realize you have to be physically together or it probably won’t work. If you think you can manage these things, go for it. Otherwise, face the hard, sad fact that he dumped you.

Coloma's avatar


I understand.

It is what it is and it takes time.

I married at 21 and stayed waaay too lomg in a dead situation.


I would like to point out though, some infinite wisdom, if you can ‘get’ this now it will save you a lot of future suffering.

Pain happens, suffering is opitional.

Let this sink in.

Meaning….pain occurs when we lose an object of our affections. ‘Suffering’ is story.

‘Suffering’ happens because you are fighting REALITY, it is the minds story of why something should not have happened, why it is wrong, unfair.

Stick with the facts.

“I am sad it didn’t work out.’

End of story.

See where I am going with this?

Facts may be painful but it is the story in your mind that causes suffering.

The ‘story’ of ” it could have been different if ONLY….he/she changed, grew, heard me, was motivated…ad nauseum.

Animals feel emotion but they don’t create story.
The Lioness loses her cub to Hyenas, she feels sad, she amay linger a few days with her dead baby, but she does not make up stories in her mind as to why the Hyena should not exist, why it is so unfair to lose her cub.

She FEELS hewr loss, and she moves on.

Your thought’s create your feelings.


The mother lion that loses a cub to Hyenas is sad.

She FEELS the pain of her loss, but she doesn’t create a story that fights reality.

She does not spend months and years of her life telling the story of why Hyennas should not exist and that her cub should not have died at 6 weeks old.

Are you following?

The most important thing you need to know in life is that shit happens, but the story about why it should not have happened is in your own control.

There is a story for everything, and the story creates the pain, not the facts.

The story of what life ‘should’ be.

A person that loses a child is sad, in aoin, but when they attach to the story of why it is wrong, bad, to lose a child they suffer.

It is conditioning, programmming of how things ‘should’ be, that causes suffering.

The ‘story’ says it should be a certain way, life begs to differ.

Babies die, people break up, there is NO perfect protocol.

The story is what causes your suffering not the facts.

Robot's avatar

@Coloma wow, thankyou very much that truely was very insightful and i will keep that and save it. I’m not kidding, I am going to store what you wrote so I can look at it as a reminder. You appear to be very intelligent, nice and caring. I’ve been told the same but in different form by my mom but I am actually the type of person who needs things to be broken down like that for me to understand and think, “Oh now i get it.” I am a visual learner. I am also a dreamer in many aspects but especially that of love. My mom happens to be a realist, so we clash a lot. I wish i was half and half of each though bc I don’t want to lose my imagination and I like to keep my dreams but i definitely need to be reminded on a daily basis of reality and what is really realistic or is actually going on. I put too much into hope and thinking some people can change and thats been my problem in a few relationships for sticking around while everyone else would tell me all along what was (really) going on that they could see and that it would all come crashing down but I had to figure it out for myself and be in denial for a long time about things and push things to the waste side pretending they didnt exist. I’ve ignored instincts/intuition many times but only in the love/relationship sense. If you don’t learn from history its bound to repeat itself. It is always easy as I said for others to see what is really going on and if only we could see this for ourselves as it is happening and when/if we do, THAT is when we need to take action and do what is right and healthy for ourselves and stick to it. the story of my life ha.

I am a huge animal lover and always said I should have been an animal.. preferably a cat that being my favorite. Thankyou for your words of wisdom and know that they will be carried with me : )

Coloma's avatar


Don’t be too hard on yourself, you are learning.

The mere fact that you are open to wisdom is huge!

So many young people dismiss the wisdom of their ‘elders’. lol

The trick is to not lose your innocence, but., to also not be blinded by false projections.

I think you are going to be just fine!

You are open to exploring yourself, that is THE ticket!

The more you learn and grow the better persons you attract.

There is a saying ” It is not about finding the right person, it is about being the right person.”

You’re on your way! :-)

Robot's avatar

@Coloma Thankyou! and yes I am always open to learning new things and listening to everyones views which is the main reason I am very happy i stumbled upon this site. Life is a long hard road, but I think it is worth it.

Coloma's avatar


It’s very worth it!

Be excited, your ship had launched!

Sail on silver girl…..:-)

Robot's avatar

@Coloma lol thankyou very much i shall and wish me luck as I do you and myself. : )

littlehottie07's avatar

This past little conversation, @Robot and @Coloma, has really spoken to me. I am not the type to sit around and dwell on things, thought I am at the moment because its such a fresh wound. And I will not sit around and wait for him for any length of time. I do understand the difference between pain and suffering, and I am trying to stay focused on other things so that I do not suffer right now. Because I am a thinker, just saying these things aloud releases my suffering- so thank you all for reading and replying. I’d have to say that the hardest thing for me right now is not that I am questioning what I did wrong or whats wrong with me- because I am not going to do so- it is that in my gut I feel this is just a phase, something our relationship needs to move forward in the future (whether as lovers or just friends) While you can turn your brain and suffering off to a certain extent, the gut seems to be an altogether different story… It is the things i FEEL deep inside, not that I think it should be a certain way, ere even necessarily want this to go away, or that if only…, its that gut feeling. I am always one to follow my gut, so when your brain and gut are telling you 2 different things, how do you go against your gut???

john65pennington's avatar

Short answer. his comments have the tone of someone else. this just proves a point i have been making on Fluther for years…........long distance relationships do not last. too much space in between for one or the other to cheat.

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