General Question

Disc2021's avatar

In a dating context, why would someone ask you out on a date frequently only to flake out?

Asked by Disc2021 (4488points) October 7th, 2010

I mean, seriously. Generally, if I dont want to date someone, I wouldn’t ask them out on one – yet alone talk to them for any longer than a few days over the phone or online or show apparent signs of interest. Generally, naturally you would think this would be true across the board… apparently, not.

I’ve got this before here and there and I can’t figure out the psychology behind it, other than just plain, sheer irresponsibility. I haven’t said or done anything unusual, or out of the ordinary before the set date for the “dates” approach. I dont ever dramatically lie to people about myself, so it’s not like they’ve executed a “google search” on me and found out some strange dark secret. What gets me the most is the ones who constantly flake out but then return a few days later… only to make more plans to flake out of. What’s the point?? Are they getting a laugh out of this?

Someone please tell me what’s up with this! I dont get it. It just boggles me.

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16 Answers

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

It could be a case of wanting what they can’t have. Sometimes people are only interested in the chase. Once the other person gives in, the thrill is over.

NaturallyMe's avatar

My first thoughts on this was immaturity and rudeness. Personally, i don’t think i’d ever give such person any of my time anymore. Either that, or they must have something so extraordinary going on in their lives so as for it to be considered an acceptable excuse for their behaviour….which mostly likely isn’t the case.

tedd's avatar

Cuz she’s a girl?

meagan's avatar

Maybe they just want to be friends. Its hard to reject “date plans” from someone you enjoy spending time with.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Maybe she doesn’t realize it’s a real date. “Do you want to hang out sometime?” does not constitute a date invitation. Neither does, “Do you want to do something?” Perhaps you need to try the totally direct approach of, “Would you like to do on a date with me?” or “Would you be interested in dating me?”

Ame_Evil's avatar

There is a difference between wishing to date someone and actually having to do it. Maybe they are just too nervous to actually go out and do it.

marinelife's avatar

Some people are just irresponsible about engagements.

nikipedia's avatar

With the repeat offender, sounds like you’re her backup plan.

Why not ask the girls who are doing this and then report back?

alovehangoverr's avatar

Honestly, it could be anything—nerves, a change of heart, enjoying the chase, inflating ones ego, whatever.

So, what do you do? Someone flakes out on your for a date without a legitimate reason? There’s no second chance.

If they do give you a legitimate reasons a flake a second time? Time to call it quits.

Being a flake isn’t attractive. If they can’t commit to keeping a first date with you, how do you expect them to commit to any sort of relationship?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

That’s typical of people who flirt around and make plans with multiple people but then pick and choose. I agree you are probably being treated as the backup plan for someone/s who don’t want to feel like they’re alone.

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like the woman is weighing her options and waiting for a better option. Sometimes you’re the better option and sometimes your not (that’s when she flakes out). She may also have a S/O that she’s on an off with that she’s yo-yoing back and forth with. It’s still not a nice way to treat you. You should call her out on it. Not in an accusatory tone, just let her know that you don’t want to be strung along if she’s involved with other people.

Disc2021's avatar

Thanks for all the replies; they’ve provided some food for thought…

@meagan Then they should articulate that better and not be “flirty” leading up to the date, no?

I know there can be ambiguity in the dating world but in the situations I’m generally referring to, there is no mistake, there is definitely a date set and a definite sub-text. Now, I’ve gotten this before “We should hang out sometime…” and that isn’t what I’m talking about. I talking about this “Well, lets go out on Saturday night at 7PM”.

@nikipedia In the perfect world, you can just directly confront people, not necessarily in a demanding/angry tone but in such a way that demonstrates you want an honest response and people will comply with an honest, genuine answer. In this world, in the year 2010, people don’t do this. They’ll dodge the topic, change the topic, give a lame, empty-hearted excuse, or wont even reply. Hence why I’m fishing for ideas here as to why this is happening here.

For the most part I try to be understanding – I brush off whatever off-the-wall excuse comes my way and just say “Well, maybe this person was genuinely sick, nervous, busy, etc. and I shouldn’t be giving it this much thought”. However, it’s frustrating in this sense – By making plans or set a date with someone, you’re indicating that you’ve taken time out of your schedule to dedicate to a particular person. To me, that’s something pretty personal as the way the world works nowadays, most people won’t even take the time of day to say to “hello” to someone. When a person backs out last minute, to me, they’re saying “I know you took the time out of your schedule to dedicate to me and I said I’d do just the same, but, I dont really care, sorry about that”. I’d much rather a person just say beforehand that they’ve had second thoughts, things wouldn’t work out or it isn’t a good time and I’d really, really much rather a person just not even ask at all, for that matter.

Why can’t people just say what they mean and mean what they say? Everything is so encrypted and it doesn’t need to be, at least in my opinion.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Are you calling to confirm the date the day before? Then calling before you leave to say you’re on your way? If you’re doing these things, then it would seem that you’re attracted to the wrong type of girl.

Disc2021's avatar

@BarnacleBill Well, for one, these aren’t “girls” we’re talking about. I’m gay =P. My straight friend has the same issue though, with girls.

What is the “right type”, in contrast? Elaborate?

I generally just send a text a few hours beforehand to confirm – isn’t that the normal thing to do?

BarnacleBill's avatar

Sometimes you can be attracted to people who don’t really know how to date. They don’t understand the mechanics of how relationships work. They look attractive, are fun to talk with in a group or out, but aren’t quite sure how relationships work. Perhaps a filtering question would be to ask them about their long term relationship history. It they’ve never been involved with someone, they will be less likely to understand that you are asking them out on a date, and how that’s supposed to work. My experience with gay men and I have much more than you would image is that there are some Barbie types out there.

Disc2021's avatar

@BarnacleBill The person particularly that inspired this question has been in an LTR, though, a fairly long one. Perhaps it’s anxiety or nervousness? I dont know. I appreciate the input, though and I would have to agree.

I guess I just take a different approach. I tend to be more “real” with people and if I’m not interested, I would not be asking them out (if I were it would be made very clear that it wasn’t “like that”).

I have actually called the person out on the issue and we’ve made more plans and rescheduled, but in my opinion I dont understand why it had to come to that in the first place. Chances are they’ll probably flake out again.

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