Social Question

VS's avatar

Should I feel slighted or am I just being petty?

Asked by VS (3930 points ) January 13th, 2014

A friend of some years called me this morning at 7 a.m. I don’t hear from her regularly. In fact, she has only been to my house once or twice in maybe three years, while I have been to hers several times, most recently for her granddaughter’s 3rd birthday in early December. She wanted me to go, this coming weekend, a holiday weekend, with her to her brother’s mountain cabin four hours away. I used the term ‘cabin’ loosely, as it is more of a mountain mansion. She and her brother don’t get on well, but he is going to check on everything after a particularly cold winter. He told her to come and invite a friend. Her husband and my son are good friends and for the past two years, I have been their designated driver to the World Beerfest which is this Saturday. Getting to the feeling slighted part: her invitation put me fourth in line to go when I asked couldn’t Rebecca or Trisha or Katherine go. Rebecca has a soccer thing with her girls, Trisha is going to a family reunion, and Katherine’s dad is in the hospital. On top of that, she wanted ME to drive her. She is a smoker, and the thought of being confined in a car with her for four hours does not appeal to me. Also, I explained that my little dog is ill and may die before the weekend, to which she basically said OK, she would keep trying to a girlfriend to go with her because she wasn’t going with just her and her brother. I feel like I was too far down the choice line and she would have done well to tell a little white lie when I asked about the other girls and said ‘oh I called you first’ instead of letting me know I was her last resort. Opinions on my decision to forego this trip??

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19 Answers

anniereborn's avatar

Beyond everything else, I wouldn’t go due to the health of your dog. And by the way she just ran right over your telling her about your dog.

Seek's avatar

If she’s a person who you don’t hang out with regularly, why would you feel like you should have been the first person she called to hang out?

It would be logical to assume she has other people she hangs out with more often than you – as you yourself said you’re not particularly close.

And… you asked her who else she asked. Her little white lie was not bringing it up. You brought that on yourself.

I’m sorry about your dog.

All together: Not very close, don’t hang out often, you can’t really go out anyway… all boils down to: Why do you care?

gailcalled's avatar

You were slighted; don’t waste a modicum of energy on whether your response was petty.
Also don’t waste your energy wishing that she had lied to you; that serves no purpose for either of you.

I can’t imagine why anyone would disagree with your choice. The only issue is why it is bothering you. Why didn’t you challenge her?

“7 a.m.? A little early to call.”

“Wow, I am fourth on the list?”

“Did you hear me when I mentioned that my dog is very ill?”

“Will you agree to not smoke in the car if I say “Yes”?

She’s not my definition of a friend, but you do seem to serve a purpose as her designated driver.

Do you actually enjoy being with this woman?

LilCosmo's avatar

It was poor form for her to make it known that that you were last in line for the invitation. I don’t think you are being petty. You are now completely aware of what kind of person you are dealing with. Learn a lesson and move on.

jca's avatar

When I was 9 years old, I wanted to go to the movies with a friend and she could not go. I called another friend and told her “Vicky can’t go to the movies. Do you want to go?” My mom told me later never to say that “so and so couldn’t go so I am asking you.”

Granted, you did ask about the other people. It seemed like you were trying to get out of it by asking. If I were her, I would have responded, “Don’t worry about them. I’m asking you.”

Regardless, what I would take into consideration if I were you is, do you like the woman enough to spend the weekend with her? Will you have a good time? Can she not smoke in the car?

If the answers to those things are yes, I would consider going, regardless of the slight. If the answers to any of those are no, then I would really think that I have better ways to spend my time.

jca's avatar

I might also take into consideration (if I were you, but this is me and what I am into) will I possibly enjoy driving around the area of the “Mountain Mansion” and enjoy my time that way? Is the house large enough that you can have some time to yourself? That might be a nice little getaway.

ibstubro's avatar

Meh.
All I can honestly say is, “Enjoy your time at the Beerfest!”
“Hope your doggy pulls through.”

snowberry's avatar

Besides the sick dog issue, I’d decline. Even if she doesn’t smoke in your car, if she’s like the chain smokers I know, after 4 hours in a confined space with her, your throat will sting just from the fumes emanating from her clothing. And after all that, your car will still smell like that after she leaves, but I guess you already know that, being her designated driver in the past. Anyway, that’s a lot of work for not much benefit. She also sounds very self focused, which is another reason to say “Thanks, but no thanks!” Ick!

livelaughlove21's avatar

I wouldn’t expect to be her first choice you aren’t even that close. She does have other friends. I don’t know why she’d let you know that you were her fourth choice, though – seems a bit rude to even mention it. It also seems rude that she didn’t care much about your sick doggie (I hope he pulls through!). I wouldn’t go if you don’t want to, and it doesn’t really matter why you don’t. You obviously did feel slighted, and I don’t think it matters if it was petty or not. I wouldn’t say anything to her about it, other than telling her you’d rather not go on the trip.

DWW25921's avatar

You’re entitled to feel however you like. I don’t think you’re being petty unless you dwell on it. Some friends are closer than others and people come and go. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ll be fine.

jca's avatar

What could be a factor in your decision whether or not to go is, do you actually like this woman? If so, is there a chance you could become closer friends? If you don’t like her, necessarily, or you don’t care to be a closer friend, then don’t bother.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Stay with your dog and forget the rest. Good luck with pups.

Dutchess_III's avatar

If it wasn’t for your dog, I’d go. No reason you can’t have a good time.

You must have known you weren’t her first choice. Why else would you ask who all she’d invited first? How how can you feel slighted over an answer you knew was coming?

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Dutchess_III Where did the OP say she asked who her friend invited first?

Dutchess_III's avatar

_”...when I asked couldn’t Rebecca or Trisha or Katherine go. Rebecca has a soccer thing with her girls, Trisha is going to a family reunion, and Katherine’s dad is in the hospital. _”

I guess she didn’t exactly ask who she’d invited first so I stand corrected. I’m still a little confused though…she didn’t WANT to go anyway. Maybe her friend knew she’d more than likely turn her down, so asked the other girls first.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Dutchess_III Gotcha. I guess I took that in a different way, but I see what you mean.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Actually, I made the cardinal sin of reacting to another jelly saying “You shouldn’t have asked who she invited first,” without checking that that was accurate.

VS's avatar

Just to clarify a bit, I asked specifically about the other girls because two years ago this weekend all of us went together to the mansion. Rebecca has two daughters whom I love that also went and my inviting friend has a 12 year-old daughter who went. Seven of us on that trip. She mentioned that she was sorry it was so last minute. Katherine was not in the mix on that trip. Maybe I was just being super-sensitive…when I said we were not that close, we have been friends for more than 30 years but we don’t hang out together frequently. Part of the reason for that is she is pretty self-absorbed, she smokes and she drinks too much to enjoy being around her for long. She repeats herself about things over and over due to the drinking. Please don’t misunderstand…I have no problem with people drinking responsibly. I’m just not into being the sitter this weekend. I also felt slighted that she was not more concerned about my dog since she has always known her. But I guess that’s part of that self-absorption thing again. Anyway, thanks to all for your answers. My little dog is better and seeing the vet tomorrow morning. She is eating and drinking a little again so I feel better about that, too.

janbb's avatar

If it would be more fun than not to go, I would probably go. Since you have important reasons not to go, don’t sweat it.

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