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kayrsf's avatar

How to let someone know that they've let you down and is it worth it in this situation?

Asked by kayrsf (7points) May 6th, 2014

A bit of a background story: I’ve been talking to this great guy since November. Things have been going really well, except that in February he was offered a great job that requires him to travel for a few months at a time. So far we’ve managed to make things work well from a distance.

His birthday was this past Friday and I wanted to surprise him. I baked a ton of his favorite cookies and brownies and shipped them to him. They arrived right on time for his birthday.

On Thursday night I stayed up late so I could wish him a happy birthday at midnight. He didn’t pick up my call, which wasn’t a big deal, since he usually works until 3 or 4 in the morning. I left him a nice voicemail and then sent him a really sweet text.

He has yet to acknowledge receiving any of my birthday messages. Now, I never do things for people expecting a great display of gratitude in return. I guess I just feel kind of stupid and dejected for putting all that time (took me about 2 days to bake all those cookies), money and effort into making sure that he felt special on his birthday since he’s so far from home, and yet he couldn’t make a bit of an effort to let me know that he received my messages.

I’m not a confrontational person and usually have trouble letting people know that they’ve hurt me so I usually find it easier to just let things go. However, I can’t deny the fact that I’m deeply hurt by his actions (or lack thereof) and think I should talk to him lest I allow myself to become resentful and eventually allow that resentement to poison our relationship.

This is the first time I’ve been this upset with/disappointed in him since we first started talking back in November.

My question is: do I talk to him about it or do I just get over this whole thing and let it go?

I realize how silly it is for me to be upset over something like this, hence my trepidations in letting him know that I’m disappointed. But then again, I can’t help how I feel.

I guess I just need an impartial party’s opinion.

Thank you in advance!

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10 Answers

seekingwolf's avatar

Well, if it were me, yeah, I would talk to him (on the phone, not in text) and tell him my feelings. Maybe he’s just not a very thoughtful person and did appreciate the gifts but didn’t think enough to thank you. Or maybe he’s just that not into you and got scared off. You won’t really know what’s going on until you talk to him. If he’s just not a very attentive guy and he cares about you, he’ll make an effort to be a little more attentive.

I would think carefully about what to say and how to phrase it in a way that isn’t very confrontation. Use “I feel” words. Focus on your feelings, not blaming him.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Has he gotten back with you yet? I guess I would give him the benefit of the doubt for a few days – just in case he was too tied up to respond right away. He is working, after all, and sounds like he works crazy hours.

If he still hasn’t returned your call, and it’s been more than 3 or 4 days, then I would also get my nose out of joint. I would be interested to see what he has to say about all of your gifts and calls, but I would definitely lay low and make him instigate the next contact.

kayrsf's avatar

@seekingwolf Thank you for your reply. I don’t think it’s a matter of him being scared off because he’s always very “present” even from a distance and has no qualms about letting me know how much he loves and misses me. I think you’re right, I won’t know what happened until I ask him…

@Skaggfacemutt Thank you! Well, we’ve been texting normally (we only get to talk on the phone on my days off because of our opposite work schedules) since the day after his birthday and he even told me that he had a surprise for me (he gets to come home for a few days in a couple of weeks). But I can’t seem to get past the fact that he never acknowledged receiving my messages. Sounds silly, I know, but no matter how much I try, I just can’t seem to get over it.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

So when you heard from him again, he didn’t even say, hey thanks for the gifts and calls? Hmmm. Well, then he said he has a surprise for you? Maybe he is one of those people that get kind of embarrassed about receiving presents, and feel more comfortable giving than receiving.

You would be doing yourself a favor by learning how to let things go. Not just in this instance, but it is a skill that will serve you well in a lot of scenarios.

kayrsf's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt My inclination is to just let it go but I don’t know if that’s the right thing for me to do. I kind of feel like I’m robbing myself of an opportunity to let him know how I feel, which isn’t something thay usually comes easy to me (confrontation, that is). I’ll try to play it by ear and see how I feel next time we talk…

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Sounds like a good plan. The men in my family are not the touchy-feely type, so talking about deep, philosophical feelings is lost on them. Ha-ha!

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like you’ve already told him how you feel, so you aren’t missing an opportunity. You say you’ve been “talking” with him since November. I’m not sure what that means, except to assume that you do not have a formal boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement with him.

He may love you as a friend but I suspect that he doesn’t see you two as a couple and was probably overwhelmed and/or embarrassed by all of the gifts and sentiment. He probably doesn’t know what to say. Don’t make it worse by confronting him.

Wait the few weeks and find out what his surprise is. If I’m wrong, and he gives you something (or tells you something) romantic, then everything is OK, and then you can politely let him know that you were a little worried when he didn’t respond to your romantic gestures. But only if he gives you something romantic.

On the other hand, if the surprise is something clearly platonic (a set of Ginsu knives or the like) then you can probably figure out that he is just a platonic friend. At that point you can decide that that is OK, or that’s not enough for you.

cazzie's avatar

He is showing you how inconsequential you are in his life. If you can live happily in that space, then all the best. If you want more, go somewhere else. I did the ‘traveling service man’ thing for over a decade and he still doesn’t give a shit. Including the child we had together in the meantime.

Dan_Lyons's avatar

I don’t understand. this user is already gone?

Oh, no. We couldn’t find /users/kayrsf/.

Hungry neptune

DipanshiK's avatar

It’s very clear that you desperately want to talk to him, which is a good thing. The fact that he is not responding can be because of his tight working schedules or may be he wants to talk to you but cannot fetch time for it. You should be patient about this. It’s not a big deal. Don’t judge him because he didn’t reply to your msgs or calls. The worst case scenario can be – he doesn’t wanna talk to you or anything else. Whatever the thing is , you try to contact him and express your feelings about the whole situation. Give it a try. Don’t loose hope.

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