General Question

marksonos's avatar

What is the problem with my date?

Asked by marksonos (298points) May 11th, 2014

I just had the weirdest/worst date ever. The guy and I met online, but we clicked instantly. We had so many things in common and we met the same night. When I met him I realized how sweet, soft and cute he sounded. He was very nice but also not quite ‘normal’. I felt that he didn’t like me because he was being physically distant and acting like he ‘has’ to be nice to me on a date I guess. We were more like friends than anything, but even after a while I didn’t have any sparks and I believe he didn’t either (?)

We went to my house because the weather was terrible and kind of chilled, he told me he was on anti-depressants and he has to take them all his life. He was all smiley and weird. It took him a while to make an actual move on me to kiss (which was pretty confusing to me, since prior to the move I thought he wanted to be just friends).

The bottom line is it was impossible to read this person and that made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t ask him anything serious because he seemed disinterested after I had told him that we lack connection. He even fell asleep instantly! Which kind of showed me how it didn’t bother him at all what I thought of us.

I’ve never experienced something where the person was so unreadable that it drove me insane. I don’t know what to make of it. Can’t tell if he did like me or he didn’t, but I wish there was a way to know. I don’t like to keep things a total mystery. Every time I wanted to speak about what he thinks I would stop because of the thought that he doesn’t want me to open my mouth since he thinks I’m just a silly girl. Was he a manic-depressive?

Soft-sounding, smiley, sweet, naive, insecure-ish, shy, etc. It was like I was on a date with a cute ghost! I also texted him but he didn’t reply.

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37 Answers

anniereborn's avatar

Most likely the meds caused at least some of that.The falling asleep so easy could be a side effect. If you feel you want to clear the air, I’d just talk frankly to him. Tell him you are concerned. Maybe you can get the real story.

LostInParadise's avatar

My hunch is that the guy was being defensive. One symptom of depression is to overreact to anything that goes wrong. It could be that the medicine desensitized him or that he was afraid to express himself. If, as you say, you have a lot of things in common, it might be worthwhile getting to know him better. Start out as friends and see where it leads. Text him again and explain how you feel and see if he feels the same way.

marksonos's avatar

@anniereborn @LostInParadise Thanks guys, this helped a lot. If he did like me however, wouldn’t he respond to my text i sent after he left? It wasn’t necessarily a question but rather an expression. Still, though.

Also, why would he move away every time I tried to cuddle in sleep? Is this also a sign of medication, or that he is hurt? Or is it simply that he thinks I’m gross and he doesn’t want to hold me.

Maybe like you said I should send him another text later on.

janbb's avatar

Run away.

dappled_leaves's avatar

I’m with the penguin.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I too suspect the meds. The fact that the 2 of you have been in the same bed more than entitles you to a frank and honest explanation as to his condition and what you can expect. This should have been established before bed time. You should insist on the truth. If it isn’t forthcoming- run for your life.

marksonos's avatar

@janbb – lovely answer, why run?

@dappled_leaves Haha.

@stanleybmanly I agree, every time I opened my eyes and looked he would have his eyes closed and hands on his chest, very distant. I knew I had to speak but I was afraid of bothering him.

janbb's avatar

I’ve have been involved with a bipolar friend for two years and while he is a lovely person, he has hurt me terribly at times. It is called a first date for a reason. Why get involved when there are already red flags? Why even need to over-analyze it at this point? This will only hurt you in the end.

marksonos's avatar

@janbb I absolutely love this response. You’re right – what bothered me most is that I felt very lowly of myself. My life/job is to analyze human behavior so I felt trapped because I couldn’t!

janbb's avatar

I fall into the same trap myself!

GloPro's avatar

I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell if YOU liked HIM?

marksonos's avatar

@GloPro Well in a way. But the disturbance was on the way. I wanted to let go off the walls!

dabbler's avatar

I’ll advise to be cautious and open. Your positive online experience with the person is probably real, and it benefits from both of you being able to hit ‘send’ when right words seem to be typed. In person you don’t get to hit the backspace key, and especially when people are overwhelmingly attracted to someone else, the vulnerability is

It seems like he has a non-mainstream personality.
If so, he could be terrified of intimacy of all sorts and might have been extending tremendous effort to not run from the room on your date.
If he said he only wants to be your friend he might have said so because that is safer than getting romantically and sexually involved. He may be interested in more but not know how to say so, more than normal for that situation.
If you decide to get closer to an eccentric personality be prepared for the possibility that that person has less consensus reality going on than most of the people you know.

GloPro's avatar

Maybe he couldn’t tell either.

I don’t act like myself on first dates, either. Why don’t you laugh about it in writing together and try another date? Stay away from your houses… Go do something. Interact without interviewing one another. It’s only a theory, as I’m still single, but I think that helps.

Unbroken's avatar

Yep run run run!!! Don’t even be friends.

Red flag city… That is experience talking.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

It’s a red flag, you don’t want to get involved with someone who has mental issues. It will never be fair for you in the long run. You don’t need to be a martyr.

marinelife's avatar

Don’t try to figure him out. Go by the vibes (no chemistry) and his affect (weird). Do not go out with him again.

weeveeship's avatar

Very odd indeed.

LostInParadise's avatar

I have thought about it some more and this is what I came up with. The guy obviously has issues. He is shy and socially inept and suffers from depression. This was quite possibly the first time he has ever been on a date. He is no doubt feeling very embarrassed by how he acted. Any serious relationship with him is out of the question, but I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out and showing some sympathy and perhaps continuing with texting.

LornaLove's avatar

You didn’t seem to click with him, so don’t bother. I’d say walk away from him because of that. Unlike what some people insinuated here that he was bipolar and probably a waste of time because he will hurt you. Not all bipolar people treat other’s badly. In fact, shock horror! some normal people treat other people like shit too.

We could guess all night about his behaviour, no one really knows. You can only decide based on your behaviour and how you feel.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, another vote for run like the wind. haha’
Signing up from the get go with someone who has a chronic mental illness is not going to work.
Do not ignore red flags on a first date.
I had a date today and the guy talked, non-stop, all about himself for THREE hours.

I still have a headache. lol

Adagio's avatar

Am I the only one who thinks it reckless and potentially dangerous to meet someone in person that you have only been chatting with online for a day?

Coloma's avatar

I wouldn’t invite them home, but to meet at a restaurant or other populated place is not really risky IMO. No..,,” Let’s go hiking in the middle of nowhere.” Is that an axe in your pack? haha

marksonos's avatar

@Adagio we have mutual friends etc :)

janbb's avatar

It sounds as if you not only met him but slept with him as well if I’m reading your post right. You might want to rethink sex on the first date if it gets you too involved too fast.

marksonos's avatar

I’ve never had sex on the first dates. Or second or thirds… We didn’t have sex! I said no no no.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’d avoid him. It seems like going further will only lead to unhappiness. You will not change him. Don’t try. Move on.

Reread what you wrote above:
.“worst date ever”
“I didn’t have any sparks and I believe he didn’t either”
“he was on anti-depressants and he has to take them all his life.”
“it was impossible to read this person and that made me feel uncomfortable”
“the person was so unreadable that it drove me insane. ”
“it didn’t bother him at all what I thought of us.”
“he thinks I’m just a silly girl.

Now tell me why you need more contact with this guy.

Don’t bother texting him again. Cut your losses and start looking for someone who will make you say:
“It was the best date ever. We both felt sparks. He doesn’t do drugs or abuse alcohol. I felt comfortable talking to him. He cared about me and treated me like an equal.”

That guy is out there. Got it?

dabbler's avatar

Freaks need love, too.
There is nothing wrong having a relationship with somebody who has a marginal personality or a disorder, if you go into it with your eyes open and your expectations adjusted.
Be sure to set your own boundaries and keep them.

Coloma's avatar

@dabbler True, to a degree, but trying to have a healthy relationship with a dysfunctional person will make YOU crazy. Coping with others mental/emotional issues is not something I would recommend, and as @LuckyGuy said, one of the biggest mistakes inexperienced people make is thinking they/love can change a person. It cannot and usually results in the healthier party becoming equally unhealthy in the long run.
Too many other fish in the sea, toss back the freaky fish.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

@Coloma I could not agree more! Many of us find this out the hard way.

anniereborn's avatar

@Coloma So glad my husband didn’t/doesn’t feel that way about me

Paradox25's avatar

I’m going to give you an answer from a different perspective. I was a late bloomer concerning dating probably due to my own shyness, depression and anxiety issues. I didn’t react quite the way that you had described of him concerning his behavior during that date, but it was definitely an awkward moment for me until I had learned to be more comfortable around others in such a way.

Moreover, you can’t always be sure what a girl wants you to do physically during a date too, and I’ve had some women criticize me when I simply tried to give a gentle kiss or hold hands, and at other times the girl claimed I was being too passive. For a website where most of the users reject telepathy as being real, it seems from these responses here and in other threads that all of a sudden you’re ridiculed for not demonstrating telepathic abilities when trying to determine what a woman wants you to do during a date.

I don’t know this guy, you or your personalities personally, and I’m only hearing one side of this. My guess is that from what you’ve described of him he’s probably not used to dating, and it’s very likely this could had been the first date he was ever on. Sometimes after a few awkward moments you can end up having a wonderful experience with that person once they learn to get used to the new situation or gain your trust, and sometimes the end results can end up exceeding what many people gain from that supposed ‘spark’ initially, where many of these relationships end up failing.

I can’t tell you what to do here and I’ve already described some of the reasons why. Personally though I think you already knew what you wanted to do since you only had thanked certain people who told you to blow him off. If you don’t want to deal with someone like this then simply don’t.

Coloma's avatar

@Paradox25 You bring up a very good and thoughtful point. I agree, the catch is the guys supposed life long need of depression medication. He has to have some pretty serious issues if a doctor has told him he needs to stay on medication for life at such a young age. Maybe he is Schizphrenic or something more than just depression. However, you do introduce a very valid point/

Paradox25's avatar

@Coloma I’m pretty much dependent upon my paxil for the rest of my life, though it doesn’t cause me any adverse effects like some medications do with some people. The attitudes on this thread scare me though, because it appears what people are really stating is that being born with a mental illness should mean that you deserve to be alone.

Maybe we should follow Switzerland’s model then and allow mentally ill people the option of having euthanasia since most people already have singled the mentally ill out anyways under the guise of being ‘compassionate’ people.

janbb's avatar

If I gave the impression that I was saying no-one should date anyone who is on meds, that is not what I intended. It doesn’t seem from the first date that was described, that this relationship had much going for it, so in that case, my point was why pursue it and over-analyze it?

dabbler's avatar

@Coloma and @ARE_you_kidding_me “relationship with a dysfunctional person will make YOU crazy” , Yes that certainly has that potential, especially if you didn’t know the person is ‘special’ going into it. Figuring that out, and dealing with it, and maybe leaving the relationship can be painful.

But relationships are hard anyway, and making them work involves a choice and commitment to learn and adapt and tolerate and be patient. Any relationship involves some compromises, just that most of them don’t involve abandoning being ‘normal’. ...And, really, what’s normal?

‘Special’ people, in my experience, also tend to come with some special features of savant insight and/or fierce loyalty to the people who will love them. It’s up to you to determine if the price you pay for having those special qualities in your life. I’m with @anniereborn and @Paradox25 that folks who are challenged in this way don’t deserve to be shunned.

DipanshiK's avatar

Firstly if you don’t understand him and what he’s feeling then that’s one sign that you guys will have a hard time getting along with each other. So it’s better to stay friends if you both agree to do so.
Secondly if he’s not replying to your text then it’s quite evident that he’s not interested in you. And it’s good to just move on.

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