What inside jokes are specific to your profession?

This is hardly a cause for enormous hilarity but when I was doing oollege counselling, my colleagues wrote lots of poems that rhymed “Gail” with “But what about Yale”? The joke being that parents did not want to hear about safety or second tier schools.

(The sugar is used as a hyperosmotic agent to treat NSFW priapism/paraphimosis in dogs to reduce swelling, along with cold packs. Dogs that ingest chocolate are given apomorphine to induce vomiting; if given early enough, further treatment is not required. But the result is voluminous vomitus that smells disturbingly attractively like chocolate.)

There is this joke about “some unspeakable school rules” that was once very popular among us students:

1. Whenever teachers say the tests are “very easy”, they always mean “very easy, from my perspective”
2. All the teachers have repeatedly told us that they don’t need a long essay, they only need a short essay as long as they contains enough details. But have you ever seen a student with a short essay get high mark?
3. When you finish a test and your parents ask “how was it”, the only thing you want to say (but you can’t say) is “let bygone be bygone”
4. An ideal seat in class is a seat that has a geek on either of your side, two big students in front of you, and a friend for chitchatting behind you.
5. Try your best to study hard, so that in the future you can at least tell your children that “when I was at your age I used to go to school”

If watching a C-axis traverse while the A-axis is at 0 doesn’t make you headpalm and wonder if the programming department is exempt from the company drug testing policy, you probably wouldn’t get much of the humor of a machine shop.

However, whenever my tie-in log from the previous shift makes any jokes about nuts, I tend to keep a close eye on the machine as it has blown a particular set of bearings a few times before. Getting hit in the face with greasy balls is no fun :p

I have a friend who works in a poultry farm – they have thousands of chickens that lay eggs that are sent to supermarkets.

He tells me that they take their jobs very seriously – working there is not a yolking matter.

Librarians never make jokes – we do it by the book.

@janbb – librarians who work with vertical files are a bunch of cowards. They’re spineless.

Break in at locksmiths, police looking for key witness.
Locksmith smashes open maiden’s chastity belt, charged with breaking & “entering”

Car sales and service here:

“Used Car Factory” Some twit is angry we don’t have a preowned car configured exactly to taste.

“Fully Depreciated” A kind way of saying your trade is complete junk. We will send it to auction, probably for scrap.

“Remove radiator cap, drive new car under it, reinstall” Your car is no longer worth repairing.

“Shitbox” It’s a car, not a mobile dumpster. Yes, your car can be in such an unkempt state that we will refuse to work on it.

“Turd” Your underpowered, underengineered pod on wheels. You obviously aren’t impressed with it, how could we possibly be?

“Lot Rot” A unit has sat on the lot so long that problems have developed. Dead batteries are the most common offenders. No, it doesn’t make the best impression when a factory fresh car fails to start, but it’s just the battery, don’t panic.

“Fired” Yes, we the service department, can fire problem customers. Take your car somewhere else. Common offenders: Over or hazardous modified cars. Salvage cars that should never have been reconditioned for road use again. Voided warranties due to that huge stereo you installed. Nasty attitudes. Clearly unreasonable expectations. Customers that think their shit doesn’t stink just because of the badge on the hood.

“Liars” You tell us you change the oil regularly but the engine is so filled with sludge it would be simpler to REPLACE the engine than to clean it. Do you really think we can’t tell?

Yes, we are critical of you, but you should be just as critical of us. A tech dresses like a slob and has the communication skills of a toddler? You probably don’t want him or her even touching your car.

/Rant.

@Mimishu1995

When you say “unspeakable” you mean “unspoken.”

I understand that English is not your first language.

ignorant

Army cook here:

When it’s smokin’ it’s cookin. When it stops smokin’ it’s done!

It takes a flakey cook to make a flakey pie crust.

Hey, baby what’s cooking? Chicken, want to neck?

@syz Will you please explain Chapter 11: Canned Pumpkin: So Many Uses, So Many Doses.? Or will I regret asking?

Former Quality Assurance (hotel inspector): Our dept.‘s motto was: “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, except in QA.” Most of us loved our job, and those that weren’t cut out for it got out quickly.

I work for a 12 Step program that borrows heavily from AA, and one of the instructions in the primary AA text is to pray for someone for a couple of weeks, if that someone is a person who you need to forgive or make amends to, but for whom you still harbor bad feelings and can’t yet bring yourself to a sincere resolution with that person.

One of my female coworkers, who has decades of AA sobriety said that this method truly works, and that if you can’t start with a sincerely nice prayer that (in this case it was about a woman) “Bless that bitch!” is a perfectly okay place to start.

@Pied_Pfeffer Canned pumpkin is used for both constipation and diarrhea in cats and dogs.

@syz Sounds like the WD40 and duct tape of the animal world!

I can’t remember the whole joke, but it was about a woman’s 12 husbands, all of different professions, and what kind of lovers they were. One husband was a psychologist; all he wanted to do was analyze it. One husband was a scientist; all he wanted to do was study it. One husband was a preacher; all he wanted to do was pray to it. And so on, until the last husband, the one she was with and will always stay with! He was a diesel mechanic; he tore it apart the first night and has been working on it ever since!

I’m a CPA. My peers aren’t known for being hilarious.

The math jokes are lim(x->0+) of f(x)=1/x.

Math joke;

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You need to learn your limits,” and pours two beers.

Higher alcoholics anonymous

There’s a debate within the wine industry over two different sides of wine. The kind he’s talking about is known as the “international style.” Grapes are grown in warm sunny places and left to ripen as long as possible. The resulting wine is rich and heavyweight, with a soft smooth texture, and usually tastes like jam or very ripe berries. You can get wines like this from almost anywhere, with enough sunlight. These are often seen as friendly wines for beginning wine drinkers.

The other side of the coin is the “old world style.” Grapes are grown in cool/ unique climates, at the margins of where grape growing is possible. A cool climate means grapes ripen more slowly; a marginal climate means the vine struggles to produce fewer grapes with more intense flavors. These wines are often described as “lean” or “balanced.” They have acidity and tannins that make your mouth feel dry, and clean, savory flavors. Fruit is only one of many components. They’re definitely not jammy. People feel that wines like this are a true reflection of where they come from, with unique flavors tied to that place.

Wine snobs (like me??) like the second kind. But the first kind is always a better commercial success. To someone who is really into wine, it’s like debating between cheese fries or a fresh green salad. There’s a big commercial incentive to make soft, jammy wines, and we’re worried that everyone is going to do it, and our special wines won’t be here anymore. The cheese fry people think we are big snobs. So the debate is actually pretty intense.

The blogger above also says that wine blogging is like the attention barking of lonely poodles. :D