I finally left. He put his hands around my throat. What options do I have legally when I go back to get my things?

You paid for the apartment and you left him in it? He could be destroying things and you would be liable.

I’d get the cops to get your things and speak to someone at school about the student housing issue. If you are paying and you are the student, they might have a way to get him out.

Is he a student there also?

In the meantime, if you go to the police and explain what happened, they should accompany you to the apartment to get your stuff.

Don’t go alone and don’t let him sweet talk you, cry, beg for forgiveness or otherwise manipulate you into taking him back or giving him another chance. You know yourself this was over before this event even occurred.

Good riddance to bad garbage.

^^Everything @jca mentioned. Get police and school housing authorities involved, the sooner the better!

Talk to the police

Talk to police – start with your University and also file a complaint of battery with the local police, get a restraining order and have him removed from your housing unit – request the University provide you alternative housing so he cannot easily find you. If you have to stay where you are make sure the locks are changed on your apartment and you have a sturdy deadbolt on the door, change your cell phone number, email, etc. Block him from your social media accounts, don’t post updates of where you are and who you are with. Make sure your friends neighbors, and family are aware of what went on and get a can of mace to protect yourself. Don’t mess around, send him a strong message, for your own sake as well as those that might be his next victim. Good luck, be safe.

Go to the student housing people, and let them know the situation.

Also, don’t go back to the apartment without a police escort. Campus police should be willing to go with you.

I’m sensing that you do not want to escalate this beyond what is necessary for getting your things and getting him out. If you truly believe he is not a violent person and not a threat, I would follow @JLeslie‘s suggestions and go through the school housing department and campus police. You do definitely want a protective escort when you get your things but it might not be necessary to get a restraining order.

On the other hand, have you considered the idea of getting him removed from your apartment since it is in your name and you staying there, in which case a restraining order might be warrented.

And if you do remain and he leaves remember to change your locks.

From your description, I don’t feel that violence is the normal go-to position for your ex in arguments. Rather than involve the police, I suggest you first return with friends to retrieve your stuff. A couple of big strapping male friends would be ideal, both for toting stuff as well as the implications involved should things become less than civil. In the end, you are the one best suited to gauge the risks involved. You know him.

Involve the police. Some friends can help with getting your stuff back. But you want this shit documented. It will help if anything happens in the future if you can show a history of abuse.

I don’t really have any friends here, the couple I have live 2 hours away. But I’m going to see if an officer will just come with me so as to keep any arguing or confrontation to a minimum. He’s never been physically violent before so this really upset me. I’m going to get what I can fit in my car and stay with a friend for a bit while I look for a new place. Hopefully he’ll be out of the apartment soon, but even if he is the door can be unlocked real easy with a credit card, so I don’t feel very safe. So if I don’t find a place relatively soon, then I’ll see if the University will let me hire someone to get a deadbolt put in.

It’s way more than locking the place. You can’t walk alone for a few months. He probably knows your schedule. Daylight, across campus, you need to stay on the paths where there is a lot of foot traffic. At night, you’re always with at least one other person. You should try to always do this anyway, but especially now. Think about buying a whistle and mace. Share your location if you have an iPhone with a friend or sibling. I can always see where my dad, husband, and now sister (my sister and I just did it this weekend) is, and the can see me. Well, we can see where our phones are anyway.

He may never do anything, and if he does try to surprise you, or talk to you, or stalk you, he may never have intentions of hurting you, but we don’t know, and it will be scary either way. Even people who would never lay a hand on someone sometimes exhibit these behaviors in their despair over a break up.

@SamiCYa: “Hopefully he’ll be out of the apartment soon?” It’s your apartment! Your name is on it. He’s going to stay there and fuck it up and you’re going to be liable. He’s going to stay there rent free while you crash with a friend? I don’t see that logic.

@jca I think she is trying to avoid confrontation right now, which might be a good thing. I think she should go to the landlord/university and let them help get him out. She can call him and ask him to leave, and if he does that’s great. If he doesn’t she needs some sort of official to help her.

@jca I know its my apartment and its ridiculous that I’m the one leaving. But I really don’t think he’s going to break anything, he’s never been a violent person even though I can see that changing now maybe. The weather here is terrible, and even though he’s been a shitty boyfriend I just can’t find it in myself to kick him out in the cold weather without a car. I don’t know what to do.

Does he have family in the area and are you on good terms with them? Is he on good terms with them? If so you may want to let them know that he is about to be homeless.

@SamiCYa: It’s great that you’re so generous, but to me it really makes no sense. Even if you don’t think he’ll break your stuff, you’re out and you’re relying on the generosity of someone else to put you up (inconvenience to them no matter how much they love you) while he lays up in your apartment.

I know, I’m working on it. I’m telling him he needs to leave and waiting to see what he says. I’ll get the police involved/restraining order if I have to.

If it is student housing, you need to let the in-effect landlord know that the person living there is not the legal tenant. You need to be responsible about this. Protect yourself financially and legally as well as physically.