General Question

Anonymous05's avatar

Is this REALLY a consequence to choosing to hang around the wrong men?

Asked by Anonymous05 (185points) 1 month ago from iPhone

So I know most of my questions are about relationships in general. And everyone has their own opinion on what the hard way is. There’s the hard way, which is just two people meeting someome else, and you see the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. And then there’s the hard, hard way, which is big consequences like settling with the wrong person for years, or for a while, and then becoming pregnant. Because EVERYONE knows the WORST that can happen in a relationship/anything, is the girl becomes pregnant, and the guy dips when he finds out. I believe that’s EXTREME, but I think the hard, hard way only happens to girls who don’t learn from their past mistakes. Everyone says that can happen. I just want to know: Does that extreme really happen to people? And what are the steps to prevent it, if you don’t take birth control?

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62 Answers

Anonymous05's avatar

And btw – I know most all my questions are about my situation I have trouble seeing through. And I know this web site is to get opinions.
But I ask because my friends tried to do an intervention on me the other day, and I asked a friend what the hard way is, since a few people have told me- it’s the hard way next time, and my friend said- He keeps taking from you, and he knocks you up. I told him that’s extreme, and he said, “You’d learn though. It’s consequence.” So just wanted to hear everyones thoughts on that particular consequence. Sometimes i’m not good at seeing the signs.

Zaku's avatar

I can barely half-follow what you’re writing about. Nor do I get how much you think what you’ve written is a common way for people to think about relationships. And without even knowing that, it’s particularly hard to tell how sarcastic or serious you might be about it.

I’ll just offer:

* Not only do people have opinions about “what hard ways are”, unless you’re talking about a particular group of people who all subscribe to one particular way of thinking about relationships, there are millions or perhaps billions of different ways people think about relationships, and only some of them even use any idea that might be called “the hard way”.

* I think you were being sarcastic, but no there are even worse fates than pregnancy with a poor choice of father. You could get terrible and/or deadly venereal diseases, die in childbirth, get killed in a drunk driving episode, get addicted to party drugs and/or die of an overdose, get sold into sex slavery, and/or poke your eye out or get an ugly anti-social face tattoo.

* So if I follow, your “hard, hard way” is getting pregnant by a “wrong person”. And you wrote that you “think the hard, hard way only happens to girls who don’t learn from their past mistakes” but that’s clearly inaccurate, as people can and sometimes do get pregnant with the “wrong person” through a single encounter before finding out someone is wrong for them.

* Yes it really does happen to people who mean well and are generally smart careful people who have had experiences and learned things.

* To be sure of preventing unwanted pregnancy without birth control or sterilization, or infertility or incompatible fertility, there’s not much to ensure that short of abstaining from getting any fluids from the penis near the vagina. Of course that also requires self-control, staying away from substances that interfere with self-control (e.g. alcohol), trust and communication.

Anonymous05's avatar

I meant hard way of things that could happen in a bad relationship.

Thammuz's avatar

It’d be a lot easier without the unnecessary paraphrasing but here’s my take:

Yes, people rally do get left over pregnancies, over stupider shit than this, they get left at the altar…

They do, in short, get stuck with the bill of shit they need to fix in their lives after some trainwreck of a human passes through them.

The fact that you need to ask this makes me very concerned with your level of detachment from reality, because this is true in any country, in every culture, and has been for thousands of years, so there is no way you would not be aware of this barring absurd amounts of sheltering and/or denial.

If don’t even know whether this shit happens, you definitely can’t tell who the kind of people who do it are, and how to recognise them.

You probably won’t listen to the people who tell you to think about your decisions long and hard, and that’s fine, people with your mindset never do, because if you have to wonder if “it really happens to people” you don’t get that you are “people” to everyone else.

You’re not the main character, you don’t get plot immunity, and you will eventually learn it yourself, because that’s what everyone does.

You’re no different than most people who life hasn’t fucked in the eyesocket yet.

I just really hope you are not against abortion, on top of this whole thing.

Anonymous05's avatar

@Thammuz – Well yeah, I know that. I’m just wondering why everyone sees that as an outcome in my paticular situation I have going with someone. What do people even learn from that outcome? Because it may be unpleasant to someone in that situation, but to a baby, when they are older – it’s not a punishment. But I am against abortion, and I think in my situation, if that ever happened, the guy would probably want that to happen (i.e an abortion).

Anonymous05's avatar

It’s just, people with my mind set, just tend to think it’s just a “what if,” and people don’t tend to think that will happen to them.

Zaku's avatar

I find it really hard to follow what you mean in these follow-up posts, too. Without saying at least a little bit more about what you mean, we can only guess.

I don’t think it’s fair at all to a child not to be careful about selecting a good father for the child. The nature of both parents makes a huge difference to the child.

seawulf575's avatar

My stepdaughter is one that learns the hard way. She is drawn to bad guys. I think she has some desire to make them into good guys, but you can’t change people. You can only influence them to change, if they see some reason to. So what does the hard way look like? Getting hooked on heroin and getting tossed into jail. AND getting pregnant later on with the same douchebag. It is a small blessing that she lost the baby. And yes, that happens all the time. Yes, she didn’t want to believe it could happen to her. Even after she OD’d twice and was living on the street, she didn’t believe it had anything to do with the guy. She has finally gotten her life turned around. The guy is mostly out of her life. He still texts her all the time but she has finally (I think) gotten to where she recognizes he is a douchebag and doesn’t want anymore to do with him.
My recommendation, since all your friends apparently see something wrong, is to take off the rose colored glasses. Stop looking at only the good in the guy. Stop making excuses for the bad. See what sort of guy he really is and ask yourself: Is this the guy I want in my life forever? If the answer is no, drop him. Life is too short to waste years trying to realize that douchebags don’t change.

Anonymous05's avatar

I have a problem with choosing scum bags too, i’ve dated a few nice guys. But we all have our crosses.

seawulf575's avatar

Might want to do some soul searching as to what it is about the scum bags that attract you.

Anonymous05's avatar

What is soul searching?
I mean there are a number of reasons girls stay with a guy. There’s always some sort of reason.

seawulf575's avatar

soul searching is looking at yourself and really looking with two open eyes. See who you are.
See what you really want out of life. If you have hooked up with scum bags, look honestly at what it was about them that attracted you. Really dig into the “why” questions of actions you take. Apply the “devil’s advocate” idea. Soul searching is getting a really good understanding of who you are on all levels.

janbb's avatar

And what are the steps to prevent it, if you don’t take birth control?”

Are you saying here that you have unprotected sex with scumbags? The steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy are birth control! You need to be on the pill. Raising a child on your own is no joke and you don’t have the right to play Russian roulette with a baby’s life.

If you want to have sex with penniless uncommitted guys do so, but be honest and protect yourself against pregnancy.

chyna's avatar

If your friends held an intervention with you, then you need to listen. They know you and obviously think you are making a mistake and want to help you.
Yes you could get pregnant. And probably will since you are not taking birth control. Do you want to be tied to a loser the rest of your life that already has one child and is not married or taking care of his child? Get out of the rut you are in and better yourself or you will end up poor, with a baby, and no one to help you.

Anonymous05's avatar

Usually people wear condoms. My parents would never allow the pill. I mean, we can’t predict the future, so I can’t say that will happen. As of right now, it’s just a “what if.” He does take care of his kid. But it’s not nessesary that people HAVE to listen, when someone gives advice, it’s meant for help. There’s been plenty of times I gave my friends my opinion about what there doing, but they do what they want. I understand that it’s their decigion, and I can only help, but can’t make them do anything.

SergeantQueen's avatar

If you don’t want this man to be the father of your child either get on the pill or don’t have sex. It’s simple as that. Obviously, it’s a risk that you could get pregnant even with a condom

CWOTUS's avatar

You have absolutely no idea yet about what “the worst that could happen” is if you think that getting pregnant and then abandoned is “the worst”.

I agree that’s not a good outcome, but it’s far from the worst one.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I’m going to give it to you straight. He’s already got an ex and a child, that means he will need to earn even more money than the next guy, to have a good life with a future wife/children because if he’s a good guy, he’s paying child support, insurance for the child, etc…

The worst that could happen is subjective, maybe your worst is not my worst. I’ve managed for 45 years not to get pregnant because we chose not to have children, either use birth control or don’t be intimate.

For him, having two baby mama’s at 21 yrs old is a big monetary hit that he may not recover from, so he should be focusing on his career/ school and only casually dating imo. It doesn’t show much responsibility on HIS part by being with you that way, without you being on verified birth control, or him using birth control. So to me, that’s a red flag that he isn’t that bright.

If your friends are having an intervention, that means they are seeing some of the same things we are, that this ‘relationship’ is not good for either of you-at least right now.

I just want to remind you that you are young and sometimes when you’re young, you want what you want and don’t care about anything else. But if you truly care about this guy, you may just need to leave him alone and let him try to be a dad and have a career. The best thing you both can do for your future, is focus on school/ learning and career- truth.

Anonymous05's avatar

@CWOTUS – So would the worst be that, and something else?

SergeantQueen's avatar

@Anonymous05 Worse than getting pregnant and him leaving? Getting pregnant and him staying and being abusive, to you or your child. Him creating a bad environment for a child to grow up in, either by being abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, or by abusing drugs, cheating, etc. I’d rather have someone get me pregnant and leave me than to have a guy stay and be abusive to my child—or to me. If you are pregnant, you shouldn’t have to deal with all that stress of knowing he’s going to be a terrible father, which, in my opinion, is worse stress then him just leaving.

Anonymous05's avatar

True. That could happen to anyone.

CWOTUS's avatar

I can’t even imagine “the worst”, but I can imagine a lot worse than you have.

For starters… do you have an STD yet? Depending on the man (or men) you’ve chosen, that’s just a matter of time.

What about… your guy (with an STD you don’t even know about yet, and who knows how many children already by how many other women you also don’t know about) who decides NOT to leave you… but decides not to leave his others, either?

What about when he starts getting into crime to support his bad habits – his drugs, for one thing, which you also may not know about yet – and forces you to assist him?

What about when he forces you to keep the child he has made you pregnant with – after all, it’s his child too, and he’s “paying for it” – and then decides to abuse the child?

What about when he shops you around to his “friends”?

You have no idea in the world what “the worst” can come to. I’m just getting started.

Thammuz's avatar

The worst that could happen is that there is no real end to the “worse”.

You’re 18, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and you still don’t see a lot of the shit you’ll go through sooner rather than later. i’m 10 years older than you, routinely hang out with people ranging from your age to mine due to my still attending university.

People, regardless of age, who tell this kind of stories and need to ask this kind of questions never end well.

If you’re lucky, you’ll spend a few years wondering if he’s the right guy, then you’ll realise that there’s more to life than this one dude, and you’ll realise you wasted 5 or so years of your life, like my wife’s best friend.

If you’re unlucky you’ll end up like the girl who introduced me to my wife, who is my age, got knocked up, has no job, no prospects of any kind, and a boyfriend who works horrible hours at a minimum wage job while they’re forced to live with his mother because they can’t afford any better.

If you’re even worse off he might turn out to be abusive/a junkie/a deadbeat dad (if you’re american, with the US’s ridiculous alimony system he might have no choice other than being one if you ever break up) or god knows what else.

At any rate, none of these are good outcomes, and the funniest thing about all this is that you’re not gonna listen to any of us.

You’re defending your boyfriend to perfect strangers on the internet who have nothing to go on but your own representation of him and still tell you to get the hell out of there as fast as you can cause at best he’s going nowhere and at worst he’s gonna drag you there with him, and this is going on your description of him and your relationship.

You came here to be validated, not challenged, and you can only take the horse to the water, not make it drink.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Why wouldn’t you use birth control?

Thammuz's avatar

Also holy shit, i just caught this line in your question: “Because EVERYONE knows the WORST that can happen in a relationship/anything, is the girl becomes pregnant, and the guy dips when he finds out.”

Girl, you ain’t seen shit if this is the worst you can think of.

The mother of one of my friends was so mentally fucked after years of coping with her husband’s alcoholism that she tried to choke her to death the night before Christmas on the year after he died.

That’s not even counting all the horrible shit that he might do to others that you’d end up on the hook for, or all the horrible shit he might do to you.

There’s people out there who end up being forced into prostitution because they’re “just helping make ends meet”, becoming a single parent is far from the worst thing that could happen, although it’s still by no means desirable.

Anonymous05's avatar

@Thammuz – Yes. I came here to get validated ONlY on what ever intuition I had about rape because my friends kept saying, they feel like he could do that, and I thought that was a sign. I didn’t come here to get validated on anything else, but that subject inperticular. Because that’s not a good thing to say about someone, and becuae i’ve never heard people say that about someome. And also because mom’s have mothers intuition, and my mom has brought up those two subjects a few times, and people using people. I tend to think I will get lucky because I always have. But everyone has their crosses. I can imagine it’s not good to ask questions about this stuff, and have a baby mama anywhere from my age – age 30.
But from the way you, and everyone are answering my questions, I feel like you guys have a feeling that will be the end result, and I feel like you guys have the feeling me, and him are going to see each other again.

Anonymous05's avatar

But yes. I came here to get validated on that subject only. Because that’s a huge warning to get. When I think of warnings, I believe signs point to something that could happen in the future.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Anonymous05 Wait wait wait- multiple people INCLUDING YOUR MOM have mentioned he may be a rapist? On top of everything else? Do not walk away, run away.

janbb's avatar

Instead of throwing up roadblocks and defenses maybe you should sit back and think about what is being said to you. Everyone is very caring and concerned. Maybe see if you can take some of it in.

Thammuz's avatar

@Anonymous05 I think you’re misreading my “validated”.

I mean you wanted to be reassured.

You’re here because you hoped you’d get positive responses and everyone is telling you to bail, and 99% of what you’re contributing is attempts at exonerating the guy.

Anonymous05's avatar

Yes. My mom doesn’t even know the story either. I’m just struggling to see what I said about him to make him sound that way. But bottom line is, you guys just validated that you can see those out comes with my situation, and I sense you guys have the feeling i’m gonna see him again, and what you guys are saying is, those two things MIGHT happen because stuff happens to everyone, but even if it does there’s A LOT worse that can happen. So I should prob run.

Thammuz's avatar

@Anonymous05 “So I should prob run.”

YES. THAT. Please, for the love of Cthulhu.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Can someone tell me what the problem is, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out.

Thammuz's avatar

@Dutchess_III from my understanding of this: 18 year old dating a 21 year old with a baby mama, wonders if it’s possible in her situation to end up a single mother, calls it “the worst thing that could happen”

chyna's avatar

@Anonymous05 You said up there that he does take care of his kid. How? You said he has no money. Buying diapers or food on occasion isn’t taking care of your child.

Dutchess_III's avatar

And she doesn’t use birth control?

Zaku's avatar

@Dutchess_III Yes, and wouldn’t get an abortion, and doesn’t seem concerned about the outcome for the child because “it may be unpleasant to someone in that situation, but to a baby, when they are older – it’s not a punishment.”

Anonymous05's avatar

He sees his kid a lot. He just lives in a studio one bedroom apt. He doesn’t pay child support because they have joint custody. So you can imagine the kid is part of the reason why he’s broke. I’m just not worried about that out come because the worst that can happen in the situation me, and him have is he moves on to another girl, and plays me. But the extreme consequences aren’t gonna happen to me. If that was gonna be an outcome it would have already happened. And I came here, to tell the story, and see if people see what my friends see, which is the out come of rape, and another kid. And I wanted to get an anonymous opinion of what is it i’m even saying about him to make him seem like he could do something like that. Because I don’t see it.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Anonymous Do you realize how offensive it is for you to casually blow off rape & being a single parent like they don’t affect everything? I kinda think of you as a kid sister but it’s kinda rude to reduce really painful things like those to a ‘shoulder shrug’. You don’t even know what you don’t know at 18 yrs old. I have known people who would scare & hurt you so badly that you would never be right in the head again, and they would feel nothing bad about it. Just remember life is deadly serious & so are our choices we make in life. Good luck.

Anonymous05's avatar

@KNOWITALL – I don’t mean to offend people on here. I know this site is for any type of questions. I just wanted to get an anonymous opinion on here, to see what ever my friends are seeing in this guy, so that I can try, and see my history with him from their perspective.

Thammuz's avatar

@Anonymous05 “But the extreme consequences aren’t gonna happen to me. If that was gonna be an outcome it would have already happened.”

Pity I can’t embed pictures cause this would be a perfect spot for that “quote from man stabbed” meme.

Soubresaut's avatar

My two cents: relationships shouldn’t be about asking yourself “what’s the worst that can happen?” and then hoping that worst-case scenario doesn’t manifest.

Just because something isn’t worst-case, that doesn’t mean it’s something worth your time or your energy or your emotional investment. There is better than merely-not-worst-case. You can seek out something better than merely-not-worst-case. Do that. Don’t just keep finding ways that your current situation is acceptable because, well, it could be worse. Be kinder to yourself than that.

Anonymous05's avatar

Correct me, if i’m wrong. But my interpratation of what you said is – Just because the worst hasn’t happened yet (one of those consequences), doesn’t mean the relationship is worth my time, because it can for sure get worse, and come to those consequences?

janbb's avatar

The guy is penniless, has obligations he is not meeting and you’re both being casual about having unprotected sex – that’s bad enough. He may be a nice guy or he may not but he’s not relationship material. How much worse does it have to get?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@janbb Right. I kinda feel sorry for the guy now, this girl is relentless.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Why are you even with him?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III She’s not, she wants to be and he keeps blowing her off, except for an occasional unprotected physical encounter. Nothing we say seems to be making an impression and even her mother has expressed concern, and her friends had an intervention.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Wow. How you guys managed to glean all that from the things she wrote is very impressive to me!

Soubresaut's avatar

@Anonymous05 mostly. I mean, “Just because the worst hasn’t happened yet . . . doesn’t mean the relationship is worth my time.” Full stop. Nothing about it needing to get worse. Of course it certainly can get worse, as has been discussed on this thread, but as @janbb put it—the current stuff is bad enough all on its own. Why does it need to get worse, or get to the point of a worst-case-scenario, at all? And why would you wait for that to happen rather than proactively putting yourself in a better-than-current situation? (Especially when you know that the possible worse consequences for this situation will also be harder to get out of.)

Anonymous05's avatar

That’s true. We do use protection, just not birth control. And we are together, it’s just not an official relationship. He doesn’t “blow me off,” he’s just flakey.

Anonymous05's avatar

But I can see what you mean on how that’s bad.

Anonymous05's avatar

It’s not that I wouldn’t take anyones advice before. The fact is everyone makes choices, and most people now a days hook up before any type of commitment because dating is different now a days. So that’s why I wasn’t listening before. I just came here to see peoples pov’s of what could happen. And a lot of people don’t listen to advice, not just me. Haven’t you guys ever heard the saying, you learn from your own mistakes.

Thammuz's avatar

@Anonymous05 “We do use protection, just not birth control.”
There is no difference between the two. they are 2 names for the same thing.

“And we are together, it’s just not an official relationship.”
So either you’re not together or you’re a moped, which one do you prefer?

“He doesn’t “blow me off,” he’s just flakey.”
So he blows everyone else off too, way better.

Anonymous05's avatar

So the signs are clear: If I choose (because it’s the women’s choice) to say with the guy, he won’t respect my boundary’s, and this guy is the hard way for me (only if I choose to stay).

janbb's avatar

Look, we’ve said what we’ve said. One thing – protection usually means condoms which are a form of birth control but not as failsafe as others like the pill or a diaphragm. Everyone’s pretty much telling you the same thing. You do what you want to do.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Anonymous05 No, it’s not the woman’s choice. It’s a mutual decision to enter and sustain a mature relationship. Him not wanting to kiss, and saying you weren’t in a relationship yet, is significant.
Anyway, like @janbb said, do what you want, and good luck. At least you can’t say you weren’t warned by your mom, your friends and a whole site full of strangers.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Whoa. He doesn’t want to kiss her, but he’s willing to have sex with her? Yeah it’s very significant. Something is waaaay wrong with this situation. Don’t you feel used, @Anonymous05?
May I ask how old you are? I had a couple of casual sexual flings before I was 20, but found them horribly lacking. It was embarrassing when the guy didn’t even want to acknowledge me when we met again, but came sniffing around on down the road, when he got horny again. It made me ashamed. At about 19 I decided I would never do that again. I would wait until I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy who really liked me. Six months was about the average before I’d give in. When I made the decision I got on the pill the month before so when the time came, I was set.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III She said 18 yrs old.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Still amazed at you guys! Yeah, that explains a lot.
She needs to develop some self confidence and wisdom.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dutchess_III This girl is not only making choices that impact herself, but her male ‘friend’, his child and his child’s mother, etc…

I would get her in counseling immediately because it sounds like she is a stereotypical ‘daddy didn’t love me’ type of girl who is searching for male approval in unhealthy ways.

Thammuz's avatar

@Anonymous05 “If I choose (because it’s the women’s choice)”
*Assuming he’s not abusive, or a stalker, or god knows what else. Not saying this guy is, but you direly need a perspective adjustment, here.

“this guy is the hard way for me”
He could be a perfectly viable life lesson, though.

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