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dopeguru's avatar

Is it wrong of me to be mad that my husband didn't ask me before doing coke at a party?

Asked by dopeguru (1388points) September 9th, 2018

My husband was at a huge party when I was out of town. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but I showed some concern. Mainly because I’m an introvert and have different likes than going out to parties. Also, this was a huge party with many of his exes and old crushes.

At the party, he didn’t respond or text me for more than 5 hours while at the party which kept me awake all night worrying. He always texted me goodnight, so I was mad that he didn’t do that while out, especially knowing I voiced some concerns with this huge party.

On top of that, the next day, he was very calm and entitled while I was very hurt. He told me about his evening. He said he did coke when his friend offered him some. That hurt more.

I am upset that he wasn’t considerate enough to tell me the usual goodnight while at a party, but also that he didn’t let me know he was just about to do coke.

He knew that I looked down on drugs like coke and x at parties. Before we became serious, he said he did it only rarely (last time was 8 months ago)

He said that I didn’t cross his mind when he decided to do it, that he just did it at the moment so he didn’t think of texting me and it was not a big deal because coke isn’t a big deal at a night out. And he said he didn’t look at his phone at all for 5 hours as he was busy socializing and having fun.

I don’t know what to do from here. I’m incredibly hurt that he didn’t text me when he was offered coke. I’m hurt that he didn’t check his phone for 5 hours after coke and tell me the regular goodnight. Please help me see a way to heal my relationship…

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14 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

If my husband did drugs at a party I would be pissed, because the man I know doesn’t do any drugs. Texting me would have nothing to do with it.

He’s at a party, I’m not there, I don’t expect him to check in with me with every minute to minute. I want to know he got there ok, and I’d like a text when he’s on his way home.

If he drove home after doing drugs I’d be even more pissed off for him taking such a risk.

If it became a trend it would be a serious problem in our marriage. I don’t want to be married to someone who drinks or does drugs with any regularity. Especially illegal drugs. WTH?! Maybe drugs aren’t illegal where you live.

I do however understand just deciding to do something and not considering your spouse in the moment. It’s not always like they are purposely doing something to hurt the spouse. I wouldn’t be very worked up about him not asking me in this situation, I would be annoyed that I have to deal with an idiot husband who makes bad decisions. I don’t want to be put in a position to have to consider leaving him if he starts doing horrible things.

Hopefully, your husband isn’t planning on doing more drugs.

canidmajor's avatar

Does he need your permission to do things?

KNOWITALL's avatar

Marriage is just two people choosing to go through life’s up and downs together. You are not his mother and he shouldnt need to pacify your jealousy or control issues.

That being said, drugs are dangerous, especially for an ‘occasional’ user. I would express my concern while realizing its his decision. If he makes a lot of poor decisions, you may have to make your own about staying.

You sound young, but if this is an adult male, its not that unusual on a rare night out without his mom-wife to supervise him.

zenvelo's avatar

Your relationship doesn’t need “healing” as much as you need some agreement with your husband on what is okay/not okay when you two are not together.

He is your husband, not a child. He is up front about occasional drug use; once every eight months is certainly occasional. If you feel the need to declare no drugs ever, then he may not agree and you are setting a boundary which may mean the end of your marriage.

chyna's avatar

I’m a little confused. Your name is dopeguru. That gives the impression that you are in the know about dope, yet you want your husband to ask your permission to do drugs.

LostInParadise's avatar

Firstly, congratulations on getting married. That was something you previously felt concerned about.

You and your husband have to work out the rules of your marriage. How closely do you need to monitor each other’s activities when you are separated? It is different for different couples. Keep in mind that, since he is more extroverted, going to a party is less of a big deal to him than it is to you. You should also try to find activities that you enjoy doing together, which may make feel less inclined to go out partying.

Zaku's avatar

You need to have a constructive conversation where you two express your needs, desires, and boundaries with each other, and agree on what you two agree to do for each other. Without such an agreement, you’ll tend to get these kinds of upsets unless you happen to already be on the same page.

Before having that constructive conversation, you’ll both want to clear out your existing feelings about what happened, hopefully without blaming the other person. If you don’t have the facility to do those sorts of things, then perhaps you could find a skilled third-party facilitator for it.

raum's avatar

Would you have had the same concerns if many of his exes and old crushes weren’t at the same party?

KNOWITALL's avatar

FYI, my husband and I don’t go to bars without the other there, it’s ruined too many marriages, the trust, etc…. That’s a conversation we had, expressed ourselves and made a mutual decision and it’s never come up again.

Aster's avatar

This is the main shocker for me: ” I’m incredibly hurt that he didn’t text me when he was offered coke.” Text you? What on earth for ? He made It clear that he did drugs only rarely, correct? That meant he does drugs. Red flag. At least for most seniors it would have been a ” have a great life. Bye! ”

janbb's avatar

Wow! You got married? When did that happen?

seawulf575's avatar

I have mixed feelings on this one. I have intimate knowledge of how drugs can screw up a loved family member. So from that aspect, I would be pissed. But I have to say, it sounds like you are mad that your husband went out and had a good time without you. I guess if this happened all the time, I could see getting wound up. But if this was really just a one-time thing, who cares? He told you what happened, he wasn’t trying to hide anything. He didn’t text you good night? Maybe was having a good time and when he realized how late it was didn’t think it would be right to wake you up. I think some of the warning signs I see are that you believe he should have gotten your permission before doing something and that he went 5 hours without checking his phone. But those aren’t warning signs about him, they are about you. It makes you sound like a huge control freak.

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